I’ll try to be concise but his requires context. Basically, stupidly I started a course 3 years ago. I was bored, fed up and dealing with PND and a nightmare with a housemove and felt I’d benefit from doing another degree in something I really was interested in, I also hoped I’d meet people as I’m hugely socially inept and haven’t had any sort of friendship or social life for a good decade, (literally weeks go by when I only see my partner and kids) so I’m definitely at the extreme end of the loner/ introvert spectrum. Anyway, the first year’s all online - perfect!! and then the last two years have been hell as I’ve hated going in and then I became unwell which gave me an excuse not to go in so the whole social aspect failed completely and I’ve not made any friends and have managed to alienate myself entirely from the group by not being there much and avoiding them as much as possible. I attended 4 lectures and 2 tutorials this year! Awful. But I did have some good medical evidence so they allowed me to just work on my projects and submit and I’ve had excellent grades. The final project was presented a couple of weeks ago and was really well received. I expect I’ve got a first as it only needed to be ‘good’ because of my grade average already. Anyway, I’ve been invited to a VIP event and a graduation ceremony ( 2 separate dates the GC is for everyone who’s passed and the VIP is a special event which includes awards and visitors) where you have to be prepared to talk to people about your stuff. I’d rather fake my own death than speak to anyone or be called up for an award, I decided ages ago I wouldn’t attend the graduation thing (and it doesn’t matter) but this other event is by special invitation and I’m getting harassed and badgered by two lecturers to ‘make sure you come, it’s important’…
They don’t get it though, I’ve hated this course, I literally completed it because my ego wouldn’t let me quit , but going on campus makes me so ill. If I have to be there for Monday, the feeling of dread, panic symptoms and the gastric issues and everything will be kicking off from about Friday night. So by that Monday I’ll have stopped eating and drinking, rattling with IBS pills and off my nut on antihistamines and codeine just to be able to go to it, then I’ll be Ill for days afterwards! I’ve realised the whole thing is a waste of time and money because the career requires you to interact with people and I can’t do it anyway, so there’s no point me speaking about the work or talking to potential employers anyway. I’d rather spend the day gardening or painting.
I’m so stupid and spineless for even embarking on all this and I really want to tell them I can’t / won’t go. I also feel so shit about the whole thing. My depression is really bad now because I just feel like such a waste of time and energy and that they’re going to think I’m arrogant or ungrateful or something. What do I say ? Or do I just not show on the day and pretend I was taken ill?