Be honest…it’s me isn’t it

[RandomlyNormal]

i know so many woman my age that have large groups of friends they’ve known forever everyone gets on goes on holiday together etc etc

ive Tried so hard especially in the last 8 years since having a child meeting new people, keeping in touch with friends from school etc but although I have lovely friendships with 5 friends and other people I see often- I’ve not got a group.
I’ve tried hosting everyone at mine at few times but it feels forced.
lots of school mums I see have big friendship groups they’ve known forever it makes me feel like I’m a loser for not having this.
I feel like I missed the part where you meet your tribe for life?
Im donning my hard hat as I know people with have much worse situations but i do genuinely feel like I’ve really missed out

5 good friends and a wider social circle sounds pretty good to me.

Tribes are over-rated tbh. They can be fun and have their place but they are for a season and they are mainly alliances of people with a common interest. These alliances often don’t survive when the common thread that links them breaks down. Often tribes are dominated by one or two dominant individuals with other people hanging on for security.

They are also not the same as friendships. TBH if you have five good friends you are doing better than many people are. I would forget about the tribes and focus on the real friends.

I know what you mean, OP. I’m very sociable and happy friends but no big group. My university group became very fragmented for lots of different reasons and since then I’ve made different pockets of friends in different places but no big group. I think it would be nicer for things like birthdays and holidays.

Well I don't have that, and don't really know anyone who does , I've got friends from different areas of my life, that don't know each other, and a couple of school mum friends

*have friends not happy friends!

I’m like you, I don’t have to a friendship group. I do know people, but am not in a group that have New Year’s Eve parties, go out for meals on birthdays, etc. I know people who have developed new friendship groups from puppy training, nursery, and even having chemo. Not me.

I have no friends and I’ve been trying for 40 years! I’ve done baby groups and been ignored. I’ve joined hobbies and been bullied out of the group. I’ve invited people for coffee and play dates without success - I either get ignored, or sometimes they pity me and meet me once then ghost me. I don’t even have acquaintances who will use me as a free babysitter so my DC can have someone to play with. You are very lucky to have 5 friends OP!

I think many people don’t have a tribe, and as @Thepeopleversuswork said, tribes are often about hierarchies and end up being exhausting. Five lovely friends sounds perfect to me.
@Forgetmenott Sorry to hear that your search for friends hasn’t been successful, you are most definitely not alone in this 💐

I struggle with this too. I think my problem is a) I've been with my DH since high school, we've moved around a fair bit so not stayed around places to make friendship groups and he isn't big into socialising, we have always had each other, best friends, do everything together etc so not really felt the need to seek friendships too hard, b) but when I try, we are both quite vanilla personalities, I'm more extroverted (he's very introverted) but I'm not the life of the party! Everyone calls me lovely, "she's so nice" but I think im pretty forgettable 😂😂

I would love to have a couple of female friends tbh, but equally im quite the homebody and like to do everything with DH anyway so I am reaping what I sow.

And yes 5 friends is 5 more than I have 😂😂 (I have acquaintances, people I could call on for help if I really needed but it's pretty superficial).

I do have a group of friends similar to what you describe, we've been friends since school and we've done a lot together/been through a lot however the older we've become the harder it is to get everyone together at once, i'd say we meet half a dozen times a year and it's very unlikely we're all there at once. Due to jobs/families/logistics/finances there is no way we'd all get away together on a holiday at the same time. I'm not actually sure i'd want to if i'm honest as we're a very different group now to the one that went to Benidorm 15 years ago

I do more with a group of women i've made friends with via DD and i've only known them a couple of years. I don't think you've missed your 'chance' because it's got to come together naturally or it doesn't fit and then the group can be bitchy and hard work. Even one lovely friend is better than a handful of acquaintances so you're lucky to have five.

I don’t do tribes. I have a few friends who don’t know each other and funnily enough they’re all alpha females who also don’t have tribes. Generally there will be some sort of queen bee and undercurrents so I don’t think you’re missing out, not deep down.

Friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime. All useful at different stages in life and obviously lifetime ones are to be cherished but in reality are few and far between.

Tribes is just Instagram nonsense. A few good friends is plenty.

You are doing the thing where you see stuff on insta / in films / in style guides / watch the mean cool girls in the school yard and think that’s how everyone lives. They do not!!! A few people do, and most people have all sorts of different friend situations.

It sounds like you are doing fine. Maybe you will build a big group and some point and maybe not, and if you do maybe you will end up hating it (see MN for details). Also going on holiday or for that matter hanging out endlessly in one group is a bit alarmingly teenage. I’m all for the odd group weekend and night out, but I think it’s healthier to have friends that are a we bit scattered.

SM feeds aren’t real. Repeat.

I only really have 1 friend and many aqaintances. Lost a good friend recently(partly due to my stupidty) but that's another story. Not in touch with anyone from when I was at school and no have a group of friends.

I didn’t want to read and run. Just know you’re not alone.

I had a group of 5 friends from high school. One I was super super close with. When I was pregnant with my 1st DC, two pulled back massively. Was really surprised. Totally deleted me from their lives. Was really upsetting. One walked away from the group, and I had a falling out with the other. The other one has their own struggles so haven’t held that against them.

that first year of my DC life, I have never felt more alone and isolated. found it really hard to come to terms with this as they were all so excited when I had met my DP, as I was the last single one with no kids. Was really shocked with how it all transpired. Still have a little trauma from it all tbh.

Im only starting to move on from it a year later. Now pregnant with my second, it’s made me realise what’s important. Family and the close friends that I do have.

I know it’s shit when you see everyone and their granny on massive hen dos, weekends away, sunny beer garden days out etc. But I honestly wouldn’t go back or trade my life in for anything in the world. And I’m not just saying that. I truly mean it. Even if they came into my life I don’t think it would be the same. The trust has gone completely. I’ll never be able to forget how they just abandoned me during the most important times of my life. Especially when I have been there through every up and down and everything in between.

My new life is now filled with peace, laughter & less drama.

I hope you find some comfort in what I’ve said. Having loads of friends isn’t the be all end all. You’ll meet your tribe eventually. But sometimes you have to be your own best friend, and that’s ok too 💐 xxx

Have to agree!

None of my friends are friends with each other and never have been my whole life (I'm 40).

If I do a birthday I just invite them all and they know each other socially because of me, they seem to get on really well (because they are all lovely people individually), but they wouldn't invite each other to their own events.

This works well for me because I don't enjoy groups and all the politics that go on within them.

I have about five absolutely brilliant friends, and another 5-10 friends whom I have a laugh with and enjoy going for coffee etc with.

There's a bit of overlap in the latter group, but they basically don't know one another.

I couldn't bear being part of a "circle of friends", or a "friendship group". I would find it immensely suffocating. Different friends bring out different bits of you, and I like being able to focus just on whichever particular friend I'm with at that moment.

I rather think that "friendship groups" are things that girls grow out of by the time they're in about Year 9.

Like so many others on here I have virtually no friends...only one real life friend who I'm in contact with on a regular basis...we talk on the phone almost daily but due to various reasons I rarely see them in real life. Last year for example, I think we only met up twice! I'm still on good terms with my ex husband, we also message each other very regularly but once again, I'm lucky if I see him once a month (we live in the same city). My boyfriend of 13 years lives 200 miles away from me (due to work) and I see him on average once a month also. We do spend all his annual leave together though.

My family moved around the world a lot when I was a child, and I think at one stage I unconsciously decided to give up on the concept of 'friends', because every time I did start making connections we'd be off again - I attended 10 different schools. Once I left school/university it became even harder...I'm not in touch anymore with anyone from either. I'm 55 so was in education long before the internet, etc so keeping in touch - unless you already had a good connection - was harder. Add in that I haven't had children, and also went through a divorce at 23, my life path has been very different to the usual one for a woman of my age....far less bonding opportunities. I'm now physically disabled, and the only work I do is freelance and involves working abroad occasionally so I've become a right loner. Luckily I've never had any problems with being on my own!

I have absolutely no friends, I sometimes think ah it would be nice to have some friends to go out with. But I love doing everything with my hubby to be honest 🤣

Are you chatty? I'm massively chatty and seem to just collect quiet people as friends who I often worry I'm getting on their tits but they seem to like me.
I also ask loads of questions, I try not to be intrusive but I'm very interested in other people's interests and things they enjoy.
Are you easy to joke with or really easily offended? I think as long as someone isn't bigoted or nasty, its okay to have adult humour when chatting to other adults.
Its hard to navigate things when making friends so all you can do really is be yourself and hope you attract the people who get you.

My best mate is a raging lunatic and she makes friends everywhere, we went the beach once and she made friends with a group of women in their early 20s drinking frozen cocktails and she went out with them that night and still keeps in touch with them 😂 (she's older than their mums!)

I know people say book clubs or church groups etc but no point in that if you don't want to read or do church stuff, so do something you like that suits your personality!

Do you like music? Film? Telly? Theatre? Animals? Idk, whatever you like think of maybe doing something that'll incorporate that so when you meet people there's a common interest.

It's hard making friends as we get older too, lots of mum mafia cliques etc make it boring to even bother with school parents for me.

I like online mates too!

I have lots of friends - but they are in 2s and 3s. Definitely no big group. If you don’t stay where you did as a child and travel and go to uni and have careers it would be almost impossible to have a stable group. And probably very boring too!

I don't have a big group. I have one friend who has grouped me with her friends but they're her friends. I have other friends probably about another four who have met at my wedding and hen do but I see them all separately. My sil has a big tribe and it used to bother me but I have lovely friends and realised about a year I've engineered it really because I'm not great in huge groups. I'm in a book group of between four and six and that's enough.

I struggle as well, OP. I have a few friends but not in a group. In my twenties, I had a group of friends, but we seemed to drift due to getting married, children, moving away, illness.
I moved away from a place I grew up in (large city) to a small village 15 years ago. I am in my fifties, but when my DCs were small, I really struggled with the primary school gate. Everyone grew up with each other, the same schools, growing up in the village and then their children going to the same primary school like the generations to their families. They went out in the evenings together, playdates, etc. I was definitely an outsider, and it was such a lonely time looking back.
I am a friendly person, not desperate, and had always had friends but found it harder as I got older.
I decided not to give it any head space. My DC's had friends and were happy, so it never affected them. I joined a hobby, and it was the turning point for me. I met two lovely friends. They are genuine and nice people. We aren't in each others pockets, but we will catch up over a coffee, walk, and occasionally an evening out.
I did meet a couple of mum friends, but I have found myself stepping back a little due to them being sneaky, acting odd, so I don't know where I stand. I am too old for this. Sometimes you are better off not in a group of friends as it can be great but on the other hand, hard work. I suppose it looks like everyone has lots of friends, but I think most people feel the same with friendships. You aren't on your own.