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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Be honest…it’s me isn’t it

96 replies

RandomlyNormal · 04/06/2023 19:41

i know so many woman my age that have large groups of friends they’ve known forever everyone gets on goes on holiday together etc etc

ive Tried so hard especially in the last 8 years since having a child meeting new people, keeping in touch with friends from school etc but although I have lovely friendships with 5 friends and other people I see often- I’ve not got a group.
I’ve tried hosting everyone at mine at few times but it feels forced.
lots of school mums I see have big friendship groups they’ve known forever it makes me feel like I’m a loser for not having this.
I feel like I missed the part where you meet your tribe for life?
Im donning my hard hat as I know people with have much worse situations but i do genuinely feel like I’ve really missed out

OP posts:
EastEndQueen · 04/06/2023 22:25

OnMyWayToSenility · 04/06/2023 22:24

These AI posts are all over the shop

If that is as directed at me then I’m very much human. Just dyslexic and tired

Tophy124 · 04/06/2023 22:27

I have friends from secondary school, but in the country I currently live (abroad) I only have a few friends. None best friends I would call in an emergency.

It’s really hard to make good friends as you get older OP.

TrustPenguins · 04/06/2023 22:28

No tribe here either 🤷‍♀️

DoctorBambino · 04/06/2023 22:31

I don't have any friends. My school friendship group all wanted to keep taking far too many drugs and I wanted to stop so couldn't be around them. Got married young and have had one good friend since but moved away and lost contact. DH is my best friend and we have a great time together but I often think I would like a friend or indeed a group of friends but I don't really have the time. I tried to make friends on maternity leave in the last year but didn't have any luck. I'm very quiet and have no idea how to make a friend! You sound lucky to me!

Sarahtm35 · 04/06/2023 22:31

A tribe? How old are you? 5 mates seem more than enough for a grown person with a family and a busy life .

willWillSmithsmith · 04/06/2023 22:33

I suppose I was part of a ‘tribe’ when I was in my twenties but only one of them was really a true close friend, the others were just sort of friends (I saw them in a group but rarely separately). I would have no interest in having a gang/tribe now and just have one to one friendships.

thaisweetchill · 04/06/2023 22:36

Girl groups are the worst!

I've been in two and they ended badly, there's always a drama and bitchiness.

I have 4 good friends and all separate which is how I like it.

MidsummerNightsDream · 04/06/2023 22:38

I never had this, I have less than a handful of close friends. Never liked groups much, always preferred to meet up with just 1 or 2 friends. Never felt I was missing out on anything.

UsingChangeofName · 04/06/2023 22:40

I have loads of people I feel are my friends, but they are not one 'tribe'. There are also, at any one time, lots of people who are friends of a time, and not 'friends for life'.
I doubt very much if anyone has what you are describing in your OP. That would be rather weird, to have a whole gang of people that all do everything together Hmm

thislittlebird · 04/06/2023 22:41

I don't have a group either, OP, and I sort of wish I had one. I can make good friends easily, but I don't tend to keep in touch with them and also wonder if it's me not making the effort. But then they don't either so it's hard to say why they don't stick, as such.

I used to have a mixed group (not just women) but now I don't see them because we've spent the past 4 years consumed by infertility and ivf and they've had kids. That group was a bit messy tbh, I wouldn't want to be too close to that group again, think it would be worse if I had a kid and stayed in that group. So yeah, I would like a group, but also am aware being in one can be quite annoying.

I envy my friend (one of only two main friends I see, really) who has nct mum friends she goes away with and I'm unlikely to have that, but I wish I did have a little group like that to do stuff with. My husband is my best friend now, and I worry that if my husband wasn't here I'd be terribly lonely and isolated. Maybe I'd just like a few more close friends, and honestly five close friends, albeit not in a group, sounds really nice tbh.

Fourfurrymonsters · 04/06/2023 22:41

I’m in my 50s and have never had a tribe. A very few very close friends and I’m grateful for it. The women that I do know that have “tribes” are all “chin chin, it’s gin-o-clock, besties for life, making memories” for Instagram pics, but the reality is they’re stabbing each other in the back on a daily basis. So that’s a no thanks for me.

CleanCar · 04/06/2023 22:42

Quality over quantity op! Your friendship group sounds very normal. If your seeing photos on social media and you feel left out, dont honestly, remember everyone posts the good times and not the meh or bad

i have two long time bffs 25 year friendships, a handful of school mums, some ex work colleagues and thats it. Lots of acquaintances. Ive got rid of a few “friends” who we not really friends over the years. Thats life 🤪 kee your circle small

OnMyWayToSenility · 04/06/2023 22:43

Not to you @EastEndQueen.. but this is one of those chatgdp posts and wanted to make people aware

willWillSmithsmith · 04/06/2023 22:44

You’ve only got to look at an episode in any of the Real Housewives franchise to put you off having a big group of (so/called) friends.

Willyoujust · 04/06/2023 22:44

Wow I feel quite sad reading this. I’m part of a couple of different ‘tribes’ and we have never had any dramas, bitching or fall outs in the 20 + years we have been friends. Maybe that’s unusual and I’m very lucky.

Felicia00 · 04/06/2023 22:45

I've never had a tribe unaware it was a must. I have a few close friends who don't know each other but I'm very very close to them as in tell them everything. I have no time for shallow friendships or complicated group dynamics.

SomeDizzyWhoreI804 · 04/06/2023 22:45

I have absolutely no friends OP, no family either apart from DH and DS. We have no wider family between us and DH has no friends either.

I'd love to have five friends (or even one!). Treasure the friends you have and nurture those relationships, and don't become invested in the idea that you need something more or different.

Felicia00 · 04/06/2023 22:48

My friends are the kind of people who I want on my death bed and to share my news all good and bad. You don't get that in large groups.

Inthedarkagain · 04/06/2023 22:50

I like the idea of having a big group until I really think about what it would entail -people falling out, constant people pleasing and politics and then I'm glad I only have a few friends that don't know each other.

I had a huge group of mates in my 20's and then had to leave them behind due to a break up and moving. I do miss it, but I'm way too old and too busy now for it anyway. I like seeing my relatives more and occasionally chatting with the few friends I have which is mainly over WhatsApp. I would find maintaining a big friendship group stressful.

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 04/06/2023 22:51

I really don't think big groups of friends are genuinely all good friends to each other, I can't see how it would be possible. My husband was in a huge friends group from childhood but sadly as time has gone by and life and distance happens, they seem to have split into smaller factions. There were one or two fallouts but mostly just drift! I think realistically when they were all young, lived close together and loved going out there was more of an energy and desire to meet as a big group. I think a lot of big friends groups are made of highly sociable people meeting that need in a convenient way for them? (I am a cynical introvert!)

Tiredskin · 04/06/2023 22:55

I like this thread. I don't have a tribe. Haven't had one since I was 15.

Thisisabsolutelyfine · 04/06/2023 23:04

Lindy2 · 04/06/2023 19:42

5 good friends and a wider social circle sounds pretty good to me.

All the tribe stuff is usually either for show or superficial. If you have 5 friends you can actually rely on, amongst other people you hang out with, you’re really lucky, grass isn’t greener!

NeedToThinkOfOne · 04/06/2023 23:06

hopeishere · 04/06/2023 20:16

Tribes is just Instagram nonsense. A few good friends is plenty.

This. I see threads with this topic so frequently these days, I’m sure it’s down to perception of friendships on social media. I laugh out loud at some I see on there having so-called girl’s weekends away, as my friend in PR organises specific ones for Insta to promote locations. The hangers on who aren’t the main influencer, often post as though they’re away with their best friends, longtime acquaintances. Don’t believe everything you see. Enjoy your quality friends OP, not quantity.

NatureNurture85 · 04/06/2023 23:09

I’ve been around one particular tribe, a tribe I put on a pedestal. A tribe I wanted to be part of. But the more time I’ve spent with him I’ve decided I don’t want to be part of it. They’re an intelligent bunch of women. Read all the ‘right’ books, go to the theatre etc etc but the more time I spent in their company I realised that actually there is a lot of insecurity, there was a lot of one up man ship, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but all in all it didn’t feel right so I’ve distanced myself and my god am I happier out of their little nuances.

NatureNurture85 · 04/06/2023 23:09

Not him but them!