Be honest…it’s me isn’t it

[RandomlyNormal]

i know so many woman my age that have large groups of friends they’ve known forever everyone gets on goes on holiday together etc etc

ive Tried so hard especially in the last 8 years since having a child meeting new people, keeping in touch with friends from school etc but although I have lovely friendships with 5 friends and other people I see often- I’ve not got a group.
I’ve tried hosting everyone at mine at few times but it feels forced.
lots of school mums I see have big friendship groups they’ve known forever it makes me feel like I’m a loser for not having this.
I feel like I missed the part where you meet your tribe for life?
Im donning my hard hat as I know people with have much worse situations but i do genuinely feel like I’ve really missed out

YANBU. I also haven’t got a big group of friends. I’ve got quite a few friends and acquaintances but they wouldn’t particularly get on as a group.

When I’ve been curious and asked questions of friends who have these groups, it seems that they all have a fairly laid-back, collegiate attitude and ready to go with the flow and accept other people’s ideas, compromise and rub along. That’s not me. I have my own mind and I find it hard to be a sheep that just follow what others want to do, what to eat and where to go.

So I guess I sacrifice that big group socialisation for independence and freedom to move to the beat of my drum, albeit a lonely one!!

I have some lovely friends but they don't all know each other. And there is no one I would go on holiday with. I don't feel bad about that. It's enough to have some good friends, in my opinion. Just enjoy and nurture the friendships you have.

I don’t have a single friend apart from my DH, I think you are doing great with the ones you have!

I’d be happy with one friend right now.

Just wanted to reply and say hi, well done bring brave reaching out, you are not alone!

I’ve done a lot of reflection on this recently. I thought life with friends would be like Sex and the city. Reality is, I have a couple of trios of friends who don’t know each other and a couple of colleagues I enjoy eating lunch with at work (or the odd wine). Every now and then I meet some local mums for dinner who are absolutely fab but have their own close tribes already. No tribe of my own to speak of and this hit home recently when I felt down after one friend who is relatively new, but became close in a short time, decided to move back home abroad and I found out a previously close uni friend got married without anyone mentioning it. We’ve been invited on holiday twice with other families, which was such fun, but not had any bites when I try to organise something. It’s a shame as I would love to go on more hols with other families as a lot of the kid friendly places are much better in a little group and we have an only who would appreciate a mate on holiday (she’s too young at the mo to bring a friend).

Truth is I can be my real self with the few friends I do have and I now recognise that is what counts, as they are the ones you will get those joyous moments with. So I hope you feel you have that with the ones you have 💜

It's difficult to break into long formed friend circles after your 30s.

I have very few friends. Lots of mum acquaintances but not people I would say are actually really friends.

Ive never been on holiday with anyone other than my family.

I would love a really close friend, who really cares about me.

There’s a psychologist called Robert Dunbar who has studied friendships and apparently humans can only maintain five close relationships and then a set of decreasingly intimate acquaintances in concentric circles, like layers of an onion. There’s a maximum number of people you can have in the wider group, about 150.

So five close friends means you are right on target OP.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/05/robin-dunbar-explains-circles-friendship-dunbars-number/618931/

Robin Dunbar not Robert,

Firstly I don’t think you’re alone, it is Instagram/films that make a lot of people feel this way and I think it’s massively romanticised. Secondly, I don’t have a solid group from school but have been in and out of groups and when I really think about it, the dynamics are hard and not all they are cracked up to be. You all end up talking about each other or things that have happened - people end up meeting up behind others backs, trying to get dates in is just hard and unless you are all basically the same person it can be really hard to juggle everyone’s wants/needs and expectations around plans it’s all just hard work and don’t even get me started on the WhatsApp chatter. Thirdly I think ending up in one of those holy grail unicorn groups is really just down to luck (who you have in your halls/class/nct) and nothing personal! I have two friends who have really solid/constant girls nights/joint baby birthday party NCT groups - my group just didn’t click in that way! All down to luck.

I left home at 18, went to uni and basically never went back. I live 110 miles from my home town now having travelled and worked internationally, so my friends I grew up with aren't close by and neither are my uni mates.

I have 3 friends who live near me and see then every few months I know I could arrange to see my old school and uni mates and it'll be like I saw them yesterday - we 'talk' through fb and WhatsApp. But I hardly go out and honestly, I'm OK with that. My DH died in 2016, so I had a social life until then, but do we need hoards of friends around us all the time? I'm not sure we do.

I am an extraverted btw and maybe grief has altered my need for excitement, but I actually like who I am and am comfy in my own company.

Maybe you can feel the same and then not worry about what others are up to ie be content?

Nope, probably not you at all. I don’t know how the mum groups do it, I like a drink and a chat but I think I never learned the secret. I’ve got four long-term best mates and I speak to them every day, we’re like family. But they’re not a group, most of them have never met. I’m also good friends with two people I met at uni and still talk to my best mate from when I was five. When my kids started school I used to wonder what was the matter with me, I felt a bit like I used to feel at school; like there’s a skill to it I never learned. My mum and dad weren’t sociable although they had best mates, they’d only see them once in a blue moon. I can only assume I missed something. You don’t seem in any way odd and you do have friends. Are there any of these people you actually want to be pals with, do you gel?

5 close friends is lovely - treasure them . It’s quality not quantity that counts , you don’t need more !

I just think life works out differently for people.

I'm in touch via social media with a few people from school but not close. My longest term friends are two of my closest friends from uni. We were a 'foursome' but the 4th dropped off the radar a few years after uni. The two remaining friends have stuck together through thick and thin for 40 years or more. We don't see each other because we all live in different countries, one on the other side of the world, but when we do meet up, the years just fall away.

I have 2 friends from a group of 6 on a postgrad I did a couple of years after uni. Lost touch with three of them, and sadly one took her life a number of years back. Again most of our contact is via SM, and one lives in another country, but same thing as the others when we do meet up.

I made another lovely friend over 30 years ago on another postgrad, and we don't live that far from each other and we meet up regularly.

Not sure how many is considered a 'friendship group'? Through kids' primary school, I made friends with 4 mums (none of our kids were actually the same age funnily enough!) and we went on nights out quite often and weekends away. All good, we had a great laugh. However, following a weekend away, two of us were suddenly ghosted by the other two - no fallout, no obvious reason. I think it may have been that this was when it became apparent that the two of them wanted to spend their time in pubs chatting up men, while me and my other friend wanted to explore the place we'd travelled to.

My remaining friend is such a lovely person, and she included me with her friends she has had for years, two of them since childhood. We're all good friends now and they're all lovely and with none of the drama that surrounded the two who dropped us.

I consider myself very lucky.

I dont need or want a tribe tbh, too much pressure.

I have 2 very close friends who dont live near but we chat on WhatsApp every day, I have a mum friend I have known for 15 years who I meet every few months for a walk. And I have old friends who will meet up once in a blue moon.

And that is it. Suits me fine!

'Tribes' is just a social media invention which, like other social media rubbish, ends up doing nothing but making us feel bad about ourselves.

You are so lucky to have 5 great friends in your life. Forget about 'tribes' and enjoy the great times you have with them, the love & support you get from them.

I'd never heard of it in this context before reading it on MN.

I'm friendly with a lot of people (acquaintances, I guess, although occasionally I'll go for coffee with one or two, or a small group).
I've only got one close friend, whom I speak to most days, but it's a strange dynamic, as she is 20 years older and is more like a 'Mum' to me. Haven't met up for 3 years.
I've got long term friends, whom I touch base with infrequently and rarely see, but if I saw them, it'd be as though no time had passed.
I'm a loner, I guess. Passing through 11/12 schools made it difficult to make and keep friends for an already socially awkward individual (I was diagnosed as Autistic and with ADHD in adulthood).
Whilst I sometimes think it would have been nice to be 'part of' a group more than fleetingly throughout my life, the reality is I honestly don't know 'how' to do close friendships/relationships.
I just hope I don't hold my DC back with my rather introverted ways.

I have a tribe- were a bunch of weirdo loners lol.,but we’re certainly not a going on holiday/out for meals/NYE parties group. I have friends that I’m close to others that were close to as a family.

Quite frankly I look at the groups you describe and it looks horrific, hierarchies similar to school, bitching behind each others backs, lack of individuality- it is like being back in school.

Can’t think of anything worse than having to share my holiday with those kinds of people tbh

OP, I've been feeling exactly the same as you. I used to have a "gang" - we had met as a larger group of about 12-15 people when our DC were tiny, then people dropped away for various reasons over time and we ended up with a gang of 5-6. That was pretty stable for a long time but eventually it too fell apart and I'm not in contact now with anyone from that group.

Yes, it would be nice to have a ready made group of people for nights out, birthdays etc. But in fact those people above who comment on the "queen bee" and "mean girl" aspect of "tribes" have hit the nail on the head, and watching two or more women fighting to gain the upper hand all the time is very wearing. The other thing is that my previous gang was quite heavily alcohol-focussed which I didn't like.

Like you though, OP, I have several good close friends. As they don't know each other, they're never jockeying for pole position in the friendship, and as I see them in all sorts of different settings, getting drunk doesn't usually feature (a plus from my pov!)

So yes, I miss some aspects of being part of that gang, but I wouldn't swop any of my individual friends for it.

I've got lots of friends and smaller friendship groups but I hate mixing them. I like to keep everyone separate, I don't know why but I've always been like this and so are my friends, we just don't merge groups.

I also have individual friends rather than a group of friends. Some of my friends are friends with each other but we still mainly see each other one on one. I like the idea of having a group of close friends to go out with and go on holiday with but in reality I don't think I'd actually like it much. I think TV and films paint it that everyone has a super close group of friends they hang out together with, but I actually think one on one friendships are far more common

No tribe here either! I have wonderful beloved friends but they aren’t a cohesive group in any way at all - some would get on well but don’t really know each other, others would probably not get on at all! It’s beyond ok. Tbh I used to be in more of a ‘set’ which was toxic and appalling and contributed significantly to my life heading into a very bad direction a few years ago. Extremely glad it’s no more.

Also I think as I get older the way things are friendship wise suit is better. A holiday abroad with 15 people is now our idea of HELL - whereas we regularly do mini breaks with another couple who have very similar ideas to us about spending habits/ couple versus group time etc. We have found DC and like to spend a day or afternoon with another couple in the same stage in life doing child friendly things together. Would be too overwhelming in a big group.

Female friends and relatives with have ‘tribes’ seem to have constant drama as far as I can see. And very few long married men I know have many independent friendships at all. Not ideal and another thread but I do wonder if the ‘girl tribe’ thing is yet another example unnecessary expectation women put on themselves? 🤷‍♀️

These AI posts are all over the shop

*young DC. Not ones I just ‘found’ 🤣