To lose my cool with useless DP

[2018mumof2]

evening all, just want some advice on whether I am being unreasonable. I’ve been at work all day from 8 until 6 and I am sick to death of my other half saying that he does stuff when he doesn’t.

we both work full time and have 2 young children under 5, my other half works from home 5 days a week but finishes at 6PM and I work in an office and I start early and finish at 6PM and I have a long commute too.

My AIBU is that I get home and I still have to do bedtime and I won’t end up eating until
late because he leaves the children to be up until I get home. He’ll be cooking dinner whilst I do bed and then there are dirty dishes, he’ll only have done one wash during the day and that’s it.

for example I work alternative weekends and I was working today no housework has been done apart from the washing up and 1-2 loads of washing. I’ve finished work and tidied the kids bedroom, ran their bath, put their clean clothes away and tucked them up which because he let the 3 year old nap did not fall asleep until 9PM.

i’m sick to the back teeth of it and I cannot cope anymore. We’ve had new flooring down in our open plan kitchen and the puppy had an accident on it and he used straight out the bottle disinfectant on the floor, I lost it and told him it would ruin the floor and that this is why we couldn’t have anything nice.

He doesn’t ever put his own clothes away and I am just so sick of feeling like it is all me. He earns more but we both still work the same hours but mine are just crammed into longer days.

I do all the mental load as well like dentist appointments, school admittance, nursery placements.. I’m so sick of being the “mum” sometimes.

He didn’t even spend the whole day playing with the kids so bugger knows what he was doing all day :(

Have you sat down and discussed this with him?
Oh and you are the mum.
Seriously these posts...

Life is a lot easier without a grown child to have to run around.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

He is not a slave and nothing bad will happen because he has not done the chores you expect him too.

Work mate had a house husband over the last year.
From what I can gather, she still did all the cleaning etc. he shopped and cooked and took DC around.
He complained about how tired he was. What he forgot was all of the cameras he had positioned around the house, work mate knew exactly what her DH was up to during the day (gaming).
He is now back at work and collapses when he walks in the door as he is too tired.
Start with looking at the free time you both have. Then add and subtract chores until you both have the same free time.
Good luck

The disinfectant won't ruin the floor, manufacturers tell you all sorts will ruin it so if anything goes wrong with it in warranty they can blame you!
He does sound completely useless, does he earn enough that you could work shorter days rather than cramming more hours into longer days? That is an awful way of working (I've done it) people seem to think you are lucky to have so many 'days off' forgetting that the days you work turn you into a knackered zombie!
Could he pay for a cleaner or to use a laundrette (pay to leave it with them and collect it when it's all done, especially useful for bedding and towels) he can drop them off before work and collect them before you come home.
I have a shockingly similar useless husband, so I know it's fucking tough especially when they are little (mine are much older and thankfully they do not take after their dad, they are very respectful and helpful) I have regularly lost my shit over the years and it is slowly sinking in, he does more now than he did when the kids were small but still nowhere near 50/50 (mental load being a huge bone of contention)
I am assuming you want to stay with him and keep the family together? If so start spending (his) money on the problem and regularly lose your shit would be my advice, if he wants to keep the family together he will have to up his game.

Both my partner and myself are the same as your husband when it comes to house chores, I work from home most of the time and wouldn't do more than 1 load of washing, and half the time I forget about it in the machine...
Although I understand the frustration, I would hate to have someone telling what to do and how to do it constantly.

The best solution for us was to get a cleaner, it's definitely worth the 30-ish quid a week to keep us sane, and it forces us to tidy up once a week so we get a clean and tidy house before the weekend.

As for the kids routine, if he is the one at home most afternoons/evening then it's kind of up to him IMO. If the issue is that you're tired and things are pushed too late, you can both get organised to get dinner ready sooner (e.g. batch cooking) and alternate bedtime routine. It's not "on him" because he works from home.

Stop doing his laundry and alternate who does bedtime and who does dinner for a start.

I dunno when I look after my kid alone I wouldn't do more than 2 loads of washing. I also wouldn't cook dinner without my partner being home. I find it far to stressful trying to look after my 3year old and cook. It would be twice as bad with 2 kids. Sounds like someone needs to drop a few hours to help at home. I only work three days a week with one young child. Or maybe get in some outside help? Maybe you could find a job closer to home to help with commute? At the same time I wouldn't be putting away his clean clothes.

I don't get the issue really, I suppose is bedtime routine is so draining perhaps swap and you cook whilst he does it?

I think it sounds like he does the morning routine for the children and takes and picks them up for nursery - and then works full time?
And you do the bedtime routine for the children?
You do most of the housework, he does most of the cooking, dog walking?
That seems fair?

Yes, life is incredibly tough for two parents working full time with 2 under 5s. I'm not sure why you added to your load with a puppy.

Sorry missed your second post about the metal load. I agree that should be shared but sadly often easier said than done.

What we do is have a shared calendar on our phones, we then discuss who is going to do it and appointments for dentist etc are usually made at the end of the app and we just add straight to the calendar. It makes it clear then what's going on, you can say I can't get x off work you need to do it. It was hard at first as I was still the one to check it but soon becomes second nature.

I get it OP,

Doing the cooking, one load of washing up (and let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he walks the dog and does the nursery drop off like another poster has assumed) still isn't equivalent to you doing pretty much everything else.

Putting clothes on the child in the morning is the easy bit. The unseen bit is making sure that there are weather appropriate, clean and presentable clothes to put on, in the right size in the first place.

Times that by every household task going and it gets very frustrating that the other parent thinks they are doing their fair share by picking up some of the easy bits with zero appreciation of all the cogs that have been turned by someone else in the background to keep the show on the road up to that point.

He's basically babysitting the children until 'mum' gets home from work. There's no initiative there to get the wind down to bedtime started, just passiveness. You can guarantee if the rolls were reversed he would expect to walk in to kids almost on their way to bed and a hot meal bubbling away in the oven.

Honestly, start looking for a job with shorter hours and a shorter commute. Why are you starting early and finishing late for an office job? If it's incredibly well paid (and he earns more) then you can buy in some domestic help like a cleaner. It's also a rare job that requires you to do 6 days a week.

When my husband worked late you bet I kept the children up so he could bath them or do bed time routine. Otherwise he would miss out on their childhoods!

You say you finish at 6pm but then have a long commute? What time do you get back? He may be generally useless in other areas but actually I think it's a little unfair that you expect bedtime always to be on him after working a full day too. It sort of depends on the sleep needs of your kids. At the moment, for example, DC2 (baby) needs to be in bed by 7 latest or loses it, while my DC1 has always been able to stay up late since very young and then sleeps late the next day. If you have the sort of kids who can stay up later than 7-7.30 without losing it or getting overtired and there's no huge rush for nursery the next day, then I'd divide bedtime a bit - if you get back at 7pm, for example, maybe he could have done dinner by then most nights, and then one parent does bathtime and one does stories and tucks in.

I think you need to have a wider discussion about other chores and responsibilities though... it's very unfair those are all on you especially given you have to commute as well.

If he doesn't listen, I'd start staying late in the office to get everything done. So rather than going home, stay late one evening a week to blast through your admin list and he'll just have to deal with bedtime then because you won't be there.

You are both working full time and you have 2 small kids, which it utterly exhausting, there is just not enough time to do everything. You need help; cleaner , Landry service, ready meals once a week. Write out a chores list, including f admin and agree what can be out sourced and what is not a priority, split the rest. Give yourselves a break. Could you also work in a 3 hour slot a week each for some down time? Or maybe one of you could reduce your hours whilst the kids are small?

Why are so many women putting up with this crap?

I have a mental checklist of “people who post that they have too much to do because of a useless husband” and “have they chosen to have a pet”.

Why did you get a puppy?!

I don’t understand the issue with one washing load a day, just how much washing do you need?!

On the face of it, having the children up when you get home is good. Do you want to not see them 5 days a week? What’s a long commute after 18:00 finish?

I think you need to agree on exact management of the situation. So for example, you either tell him you want the kids in bed before you’re home and you don’t see them, or they’re to be fed and bathed and in pyjamas ready for bed immediately after you’ve seen them.

I don’t know what nursery placement means - but some of those things - leave him to it. If he doesn’t do it, he’s the one balancing WFH with a child on his lap 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he won’t pull his weight on your agreement, counselling or divorce. Which might then be counselling followed by divorce. You can moan about it if it’s just letting off steam in a difficult period of life, or you can do something about it.

“He doesn’t ever put his own clothes away”

Can you explain why you’re doing that for him?

It doesn't sound that bad to me. You both work ft. It's hard to keep up with housework as well. My DH WFH and doesn't do anything really. When either of us had our DCs on our own when they were under 5, housework was very much on the back burner. It got done, but I didn't expect much from him when he was looking after them on his own and vice versa

Classic Mumsnet idea would be to get a cleaner?

From the sounds of it, he's working all day (and looking after a puppy) and then looking after two small children until you get home - so I think it's a bit unrealistic to expect him to also tidy bedrooms, do multiple loads of laundry, cook and clean up.

You've both chosen a hectic lifestyle - two full-time working parents, two small children and a puppy is never going to be a relaxing combination unfortunately!

I would stop stressing over the small things - in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter if he uses disinfectant on the floor or only manages one load of laundry during the day. Focus on the important bits - getting DC to bed on time, getting dinner sorted and sorting the puppy out.

Realistically that does mean neither of will probably get to sit down and put your feet up until late, though.

Agree with a PP why on earth have you got a puppy? Your life sounds busy and stressful so why add a puppy to the mix?

Genuine question though, are you new to Mumsnet? These threads come up every.single.day .... surely someone takes notice and thinks before they have DC with useless men?

You've listed a lot of things he doesn't do, I'm guessing there are things he does do that you haven't mentioned.

What time do you get home?

I'm assuming he has to pick up kids from school/nursery after he finishes work and give them dinner? Or do they wait to?

Have you said I'll do dinner tonight? And asked him to do bedtime?

Honestly you both sound like you work hard. Yes there are things he does differently. He may feel fed up being at home and after a full day of work he's fed up of cooking every night?

Just talk, set up some days when you can swap jobs or do easier meals and a couple of loads of washing, or you put one in just before you leave, he takes it out and dies another at lunchtime etc.

Also, can you afford a cleaner?

You’re mad to get a puppy in these circumstances. Can you take it back to the breeder? It’s only going to add to your stress.

I think there is a bit of both going on here. We have the same set up. I wouldn’t expect DH to do more than wipe round after breakfast and do a load of washing if there was time during his working day.

He could either have the kids bathed or have made a start on the dinner. Sounds like he is chilling for a bit with the kids at the end of the day which is ok for a bit.

I don’t understand you tidying bedrooms and putting clothes away after all this though. That’s a weekend job after such a long day. You are being a martyr here really or maybe just a perfectionist.