To lose my cool with useless DP

[2018mumof2]

evening all, just want some advice on whether I am being unreasonable. I’ve been at work all day from 8 until 6 and I am sick to death of my other half saying that he does stuff when he doesn’t.

we both work full time and have 2 young children under 5, my other half works from home 5 days a week but finishes at 6PM and I work in an office and I start early and finish at 6PM and I have a long commute too.

My AIBU is that I get home and I still have to do bedtime and I won’t end up eating until
late because he leaves the children to be up until I get home. He’ll be cooking dinner whilst I do bed and then there are dirty dishes, he’ll only have done one wash during the day and that’s it.

for example I work alternative weekends and I was working today no housework has been done apart from the washing up and 1-2 loads of washing. I’ve finished work and tidied the kids bedroom, ran their bath, put their clean clothes away and tucked them up which because he let the 3 year old nap did not fall asleep until 9PM.

i’m sick to the back teeth of it and I cannot cope anymore. We’ve had new flooring down in our open plan kitchen and the puppy had an accident on it and he used straight out the bottle disinfectant on the floor, I lost it and told him it would ruin the floor and that this is why we couldn’t have anything nice.

“that this is why we couldn’t have anything nice.”

Leaving aside that this “useless” person under straight in to clear up the dog wee, if my husband used that phrase on me, I’d tell him to piss off with his patronising shite.

Agree with this.

sorry that I took so long to respond I’ve been at work again today, our puppy is just over a year old and we didn’t get them from a breeder as such.. my family member breeds and they had a puppy returned so that is why they’ve now got him and why he sometimes has accidents, he’s not totally untrained.

with regards to getting in I get in at about 7PM so commute is 50mins, what bothers me is that I walk in to the kids still being wide awake and running chaos round the house, like why aren’t they settled down. I understand some evenings they may wish to wait for me but when they aren’t even calm, I just feel a bit over emotional as soon as I walk in to mess and noise and chaos…

I walk in at 7PM and I instantly start helping with bedtime and he’ll offer to get dinner ready for me and him so we can sit down together. (I’d prefer that this is cooked earlier and I’ll heat it up)

I then do all of bedtime for both kids like last night I did both their bath times and then read stories and then because my son had napped he wouldn’t go to sleep until 9:30 and I was exhausted.

I was that stressed out by the events I forgot I brought my work laptop home and I drove all the way to work yesterday morning before realising which meant I had to drive all the way home.

work was understanding and they let me work from home yesterday which probably made me a bit more like why am I still doing everything 😕 I carried on working past 6PM because in theory I should be commuting because I was so fed up of the idea of being made to do all of the bedtime routine.

Another thing that bothered me was we bought some brand new furniture for our bedroom last year before Christmas, think of it as a joint Christmas present to each type of thing.

I only found out the other day that he has been taking his contact lenses out and putting them in the drawer.. they’ve been drying and sticking to the inside of the drawer.

his excuse he takes his contact lenses out when he gets into bed so where else would he put them as he doesn’t have a bin by his bed and he gets rid of them after a couple of days so in his words “don’t be dramatic it’s not like it is months and months worth”

In what way did it ruin the floor?

It hasn’t ruined the floor but there factors that just made me think what the bloody hell are you doing.. like using a dirty mop head to mop the dog pee up and then using a cloth and straight disinfectant to clean it up.

I walk in to the kids still being wide awake and running chaos round the house, like why aren’t they settled down. I understand some evenings they may wish to wait for me but when they aren’t even calm, I just feel a bit over emotional as soon as I walk in to mess and noise and chaos…

I don't know, I think that's life with two small children, a dog and two parents who work full-time. You say DH doesn't finish until 6pm and you get in at 7pm - that's a long day for both of you.

I'd maybe expect DH to have bathed the children or started dinner but certainly not both, and I wouldn't expect him to have tidied rooms or done loads of laundry. He only has one pair of hands!

Maybe only bath the kids every second or third night? Flannel/sponge wash on the other evenings? Get your DH to use an air fryer or slow cooker so there isn't so much late cooking. I think you're being too fussy about the cleaning up. I'd seriously rethink the puppy.

But if you are full time get in past seven and the kids are in bed when would you see them? Surely you want to see them?

Of course children under five are going to be lively around 7pm when their mum gets home!
that's pretty much what children do!

It sounds like you'd rather they were sound asleep in a "children should be seen but not heard" way.

No one does washing twice a day. Firstly it's bad for the environment and it's totally unnecessary.

Sorry but YABU

I think you're expecting your husband to achieve a lot in the time between finishing work at 6pm and you getting in just before 7pm. I'm not sure I could finish work, log off and do the nursery run, do the nursery handover and get the kids home and fed, play with the kids for a bit and talk to them about their day, run the bath, do bathtime and get them dried and into pyjamas, get them settled and into bed ready for stories, all in 50 minutes or so... and simultaneously look after the puppy, start dinner and sort the washing. And I would say I'm quite efficient at getting stuff done in our house. It sounds like you bear an unfair load and he needs to step up more generally, but I'm not sure you're being realistic about what he can achieve in this particular timeslot.

You're sort of seeing him as a SAHP. He works from home, it's still work!
Mine are adults now, so I don't have the same issues, but I still get DP assuming that I'll be picking up more housework because I work from home, and I find it really disrespectful.

One day women will stop marrying useless men. Mumsnet will be much quieter.

In what way is he useless?

what bothers me is that I walk in to the kids still being wide awake and running chaos round the house, like why aren’t they settled down.
Because they are excited to see you? I had this, kids would be half asleep like little slots but as soon as Daddy’s car pulled in, they’d be bouncing off the walls.

good grief just sack him off your doing it all alone anyway.

I then do all of bedtime for both kids
If you didn’t do this, would you see them at all that day?

Well, exactly.

Any man working full-time and coming home at 7pm would be expected to get stuck in with bedtime without any complaint.

I do similar- contact lenses on a coaster unless I miss low vision without them. It doesn’t hurt the furniture and they’re clean as they’re coming from my eyes. I toss them in the bathroom bin in the morning, or when I remember. So I don’t understand why you’d be upset by this?

I’d put straight disinfectant on dog wee too if I’m being honest. It is only way to kill the stench. Since it hasn’t ruined the floor, why exactly are you saying he’s done it wrong?

You're sort of seeing him as a SAHP. He works from home, it's still work!
^This, how much can one person get done in 50mins which presumably includes going out and collecting children from the child minder or nursery?

Why the puppy? Increased workload for you all.

It's no one else's fault that you forgot your laptop.