To be fuming at step-mum

[caughto]

Long time poster/name changer, with the proviso that I know the shit end of the parenting stick step-parents get here but I need some rational thought.

Two kids, 11 and 12. Care split 50/50ish with exDH, which is a recent thing since covid - changes at that time cut down his work so he was able to be at home a lot more. Prior to that he was an EOW/Disney dad. I always thought this was a positive thing as exDH split when our youngest was six months and finally his career has slowed down enough that he could spend more time with them and properly contribute as a parent.

Back then he left me for a woman, who became my kids' step-mum (in all but name, they never married but were engaged). They broke up approx 4 months ago but due to circumstances they're still living together (not to do with money or means, even though she cheated on him they're both quite happily bumbling along together in the same house, which I find strange and confusing for the kids, he relies on her a lot for childcare as he's away with work more now the world has opened up).

This half term I had a bit of a bust-up with DD, 12, and confiscated her phone, which she only got a few months ago. I do spot checks on it but had not done a deep dive into what she'd been doing until today: I was horrified.

1. she'd confided with step mum (B) n on whatsapp telling her she had a boyfriend but to keep it a secret from mum and dad
2. she tried to convince stepmum to let her have a sleepover with said boyfriend, stepmum agreed. It didn't happen
3. in a conversation with a friend on whatsapp she said she was planning on having sex with boyfriend once parents are out of the way
4. social media (secret social media accounts - not the ones I have access to) is absolutely FULL of photos of her showing off her body - bum and boobs - and asking boys who wants 'this nyash', 'I'll show you my tits' etc

I am so sick after seeing it. Looking at her friends social media this is par for the course and I had no idea how grown up these girls are - they're so young. I remember being this much of a nightmare as a kid but not until I was about 16/17.

Until today I considered myself a good and principled parent, I talk often to the children about how they present themselves to the world, including with their social groups and social media, and we discuss the pitfalls of this kind of behaviour.

I am cross with myself. I feel that I have given too much trust to exDH and believed he'd do the same job of parenting as I have done for the rest of their lives - I've let him start handling admin and being a participant in the more serious bits of child-rearing and I haven't kept tabs on what they do at his (he has a v 'free-range' approach to parenting - they seem to ping-pong between friends' houses when he's working and spend a lot of time outside of the home alone). I'm cross that their step-mums involvement in their lives is still so fuzzy and undefined, that's not good for them.

I am FUMING that DD approached step-mum with such a 'secret' and step-mum didn't tell exDH. Had I not got hold of DD's phone who knows what would have happened - would she have had sex at 12?!

My AIBU:

• Am I right to come down on exH for what I feel is an actual safeguarding issue with step-mum?
• Am I within my rights to, now exH is barely at home and palming off childcare onto others, insist my kids are back home with me most of the time?

And how the fuck do I deal with a 12 year old's precocious social media?

Apologies if this doesn't make as much sense as I want it to, I have been beside myself today.

This sounds like a difficult situation but on the face of it you are being unreasonable for seemingly blaming all of this on your ex and his wife/gf.

At the end of the day your DD felt more comfortable going to her stepmum with this than you. I think you’re lashing out and blaming her due to your insecurity around that.
Its not a ‘safeguarding’ issue.

Also of course it’s unreasonable to think you should have more custody because the other parent uses childcare. It’s not ‘palming them off’, most parents use childcare when they are working or have something on.

I would be very concerned about the sexual social media account. How did you come across it if it’s her secret account?
It is some really deep rooted problems your DD is having to manifest in this way.

Dunno who thinks it's unreasonable to want to bollock your ex if he hasn't checked her phone and for ex step mum for not telling you or your ex about her plans. I'd insist on checking her phone daily and have a major chat re sending naked (?) photos, that's so silly of her.

Totally get this. I think some of my anger is at myself, we have always thought what I assumed to be a close relationship and I'm gutted she would rather go to step-mum. That said, step-mum has no other children and has always had a very lackadaisical/laid-back approach to parenting (she's definitely their mate not a mum-figure) and I'm pissed off she didn't feel she should approach myself or exH with this 'secret'. This IS a safeguarding situation IMO.

Imagine you were her.

Telling you or her DP would have destroyed your DD's relationship with her, potentially irrevocably.

I'm saying this gently, but I think you're projecting your own sadness onto her. It's unlikely she'd have known your DD was sending explicit pictures etc., and she's likely doing her best to be someone that she feels she can confide in over the long term.

That doesn't mean you're not right to feel sad and worried, but it's not the stepmum's fault.

Stop focusing on your anger at SM and exDH and focus your energy on helping your daughter.

You’re looking for someone to blame when you could be focusing on fixing what needs to be fixed - what a waste of your time.

Of course it's a safeguarding issue!

& dd is, technically, committing a crime by distributing indecent images of a child (even though it's herself).

More to the point, those images will have a far wider audience by now than she intended, sadly.

Is this something you can discuss with your ex? Limiting devices/internet access & also, getting his xp to back off out of his parenting?

I'd also be giving the safeguarding lead at school a heads up. If it's schoolmates that your dd has been sending these to, then they're liable to surface all over KS3 if they haven't already.

I'd want the SGL to know that I knew about it, was appalled, & wanted to work with the school to limit the damage.

Yes I'm sad and definitely trying to channel it somewhere - she and exH aren't even together any more though, and there are some situations that should transcend 'mates' to 'this child needs help'.

I am working frantically to productively help her and unravel why she feels the need to do this, not just getting angry at ex and step-mum

Step mum doesn't matter in this. You need to deal with dd, educated her, get her on contraceptive. This could happened with any teen. You need to work on dd self esteem and self worth.

This woman is not your daughter's stepmother. It sounds like both she and your daughter view the relationship as friends, not parent/child.
You didn't find these messages until now, but you think her father should have?

you are absolutely right to stop the ex step mum looking after her. she is way to young to sleep over with a boyfriend. In all honesty it’s weird that she is doing so much childcare father she has broken up with their father anyway.

I’d inform him they are no longer at his home unless he is there and what steps he needs to take to safeguard them if he wants to keep having contact. You have evidence of her risk/ lack of safeguarding.

You are being completely reasonable. It is a safeguarding issue. How old is said boyfriend?! The step mum is acting completely inappropriately. I would hope once you tell your ex l, he agrees. I would look at seeking advice from the school too re social media etc too. The school could potentially facilitate a meeting with the boyfriend's parents too? It need nipping in the bud. Tread carefully though as you don't want to shame her. Phone needs to be taken off for a start though and social media accounts taken down.

Thank you, I hadn't considered speaking to school but I will. This kind of content seems to be circulating on many of DD's friends accounts from what I've seen today which is quite frankly horrifying, so my daughter isn't alone, and it's so inappropriate.

Phone has been removed indefinitely and I'm not sure in which circumstances it could be returned. DD has a long bus journey so it was for emergencies initially but her safety is more important

Give you child an old phone with no internet. But even still that might not stop it fully .

I work with a child who was doing inappropriate things online. Their parent has given them an old crappy phone just to make calls but, this child is constantly using their friends phones to sign Into their secret accounts every chance they get. We of course tell the parent when we see it who shuts them down immediately but they set them back up at school again just as fast.
Its fucking scary the things these kids are seeing and doing.
Access to the internet and social media is fucking them up.

What adult hears a TWELVE year old saying they are planning on having sex and doesn't tell their parent?!

Just WTF, honestly.

I'd be going postal on the step-Mum and the kid wouldn't be getting their phone back. She has proven very efficiently that she's not grown up enough to have one!

Ah, crikey, I committed the mumsnet sin I hate most and didn't read the OP properly. Didn't catch that they weren't still together, but still living together. That is really confusing.

So she's not a step-mum. I think the title of your post might be misleading some posters.

In this case (as someone in a relationship with someone who has a child), I would have passed this on to my ex-DP.

But it's really hard for everyone involved.

I think in this case you have to really focus your attention on your DD, and think of this as a long game, not a short-term fix. It won't matter where your DD is physically if she's behaving this way online - it's an inner emotional feeling she's responding to.

Have you spoken to her about the images you've seen?

This is my thought too - I WFH myself and there is absolutely no need for kids to be with my exH's ex partner when I'm at home. It's confusing for them, they're at an age where they will be taking notice of relationships and I want those modeled (I am happily remarried) to be positive and straightforward

Yes do speak to the school and ask them to keep an eye on her using others people's phones at school, just in case she is accessing them there.

I think slightly differetnly

i would take her social media away. I don’t have social media accounts on my
phone whilst my kids are away. I am rarely on them anyway if I do go on. So they’ll not had a life but it’s very important that parents do this. (I saw a documentary in it)

I would sit down and tell her some hard truths about social media and the dangers of it. I would tell her hard truths. I think this isn’t a time to pander about it. Tell her what could happen. What has happened. Take it away.

i don’t think you should cut off the stepmom. Without her you wouldn’t have known about this. I know she didn’t tell you. But it’s because your daughter felt safe enough to talk to her that you’ve seen this

i would restrict camera use too.

she’d also have a screen time and for a while I’d ask for 100% transparency on her phone (though would only quickly look. Just to make sure she’s safe on it)

I feel we give kids phones but we don’t explain the incredible dangers that are associated with them.

Awake. Not away. As in they don’t ever seen me on them.

Boyfriend is 13 - year 8. I don't know him or his parents, he goes to a different school and she has only met him twice when at a friends house.

I will definitely not be shaming her but am finding it so hard to figure out how to explain the gravity of this to her without upsetting her. We live rurally so phones are so much of a social lifeline but she has to know how to use it appropriately if she wants to keep it.

Only give you children a phone with internet when you're comfortable with them seeing porn. Because they WILL see it. And like in this case, even distribute their own indecent child images. Its horrifying what they see.

I've actually been in a similar situation OP. However, when I thought about it, I was actually pleased that my DD felt comfortable enough to tell my Ex's new DP, that she was planning on having sex. Ex's DP, as I found out later, not only talked to her about the fact that she was under age, but told her that she needed to be emotionally prepared to deal with the situation if the boyfriend got what he wanted and then blabbed to his friends about it, etc. So in my opinion, she didn't condone my DD having sex, as she was under age, however, she didn't break her confidence by telling us either, for fear that if we approached it badly, and things went pear shaped, my DD would have lost the only adult that she felt safe to unload to about this sort of stuff. Instead, she made sure that if she was going to have sex without talking to either me or her DF, that she would be safe by supplying her with condoms.

Yes, it did hurt that my DD chose her of all people to talk to, and I could have hit the roof when I found out, and blamed my Ex and his DP, but in reality, while none of us want our kids to have sex, until they're mature enough to deal with it, if they decide that they're going to, they will do it without our knowledge or approval. So in my eyes, Ex's DP did the right thing.

As for the photos, I'd tell your DD that if anyone tells their parents about the pics, they may well go to the police, and then she will be in MASSIVE trouble! However, I would tell the school about what you've found, they've likely talked to the kids about it before, as it is a big thing at the moment, but they may want to give them a reminder.

Raising kids is always a challenge OP, but do try not to alienate your DD or your Ex about this, as they're probably finding it tough too.

I would still contact the school for advice- saying this as a safeguarder in a school.

It's difficult. I actually was very similar as a teen at 13 and my parents really shamed me and I held onto it for a long time. On reflection, I was really being pressured by the boy and I'm sad I had to go through that all alone now.

Possibly contact the boy's parents? Keep them in the loop.

@travelingtortoise my bad - they still refer to her as 'step-mum', it's confusing as they're still living together!

I confiscated her phone as she was leaving to spend time with dad today (though I didn't realize that dad wasn't actually there, they were to go to a neighbours' until he returned from work late tonight so god knows why he didn't ask me to keep them for the day). We had a quick FaceTime this evening and she apologized and said she was sorry for what I'd discovered - the reason for the confiscation was a DM I'd caught sight of from her to a boy on IG saying she was 15. I feel that apology was a 'sorry for what you found' rather than understanding her behavior, which will take a long time to unravel.

She doesn't know about the rest yet, I'm speaking to their dad tomorrow morning (I was so het up I couldn't this evening) and I will sit down with her when she's back on Wednesday

This is a great reminder! I also went through similar but I was 15 so I'm finding it hard to compute that my daughter is going through it so young. I remember my parents shaming me too: I called my mum for advice this evening and even braced myself for her to start talking about the things they caught me doing online as a teen. I didn't know any better then, as DD doesn't now. I'm just stumped with how to fix it!