To be fuming at step-mum

[caughto]

Long time poster/name changer, with the proviso that I know the shit end of the parenting stick step-parents get here but I need some rational thought.

Two kids, 11 and 12. Care split 50/50ish with exDH, which is a recent thing since covid - changes at that time cut down his work so he was able to be at home a lot more. Prior to that he was an EOW/Disney dad. I always thought this was a positive thing as exDH split when our youngest was six months and finally his career has slowed down enough that he could spend more time with them and properly contribute as a parent.

Back then he left me for a woman, who became my kids' step-mum (in all but name, they never married but were engaged). They broke up approx 4 months ago but due to circumstances they're still living together (not to do with money or means, even though she cheated on him they're both quite happily bumbling along together in the same house, which I find strange and confusing for the kids, he relies on her a lot for childcare as he's away with work more now the world has opened up).

This half term I had a bit of a bust-up with DD, 12, and confiscated her phone, which she only got a few months ago. I do spot checks on it but had not done a deep dive into what she'd been doing until today: I was horrified.

1. she'd confided with step mum (B) n on whatsapp telling her she had a boyfriend but to keep it a secret from mum and dad
2. she tried to convince stepmum to let her have a sleepover with said boyfriend, stepmum agreed. It didn't happen
3. in a conversation with a friend on whatsapp she said she was planning on having sex with boyfriend once parents are out of the way
4. social media (secret social media accounts - not the ones I have access to) is absolutely FULL of photos of her showing off her body - bum and boobs - and asking boys who wants 'this nyash', 'I'll show you my tits' etc

I am so sick after seeing it. Looking at her friends social media this is par for the course and I had no idea how grown up these girls are - they're so young. I remember being this much of a nightmare as a kid but not until I was about 16/17.

Until today I considered myself a good and principled parent, I talk often to the children about how they present themselves to the world, including with their social groups and social media, and we discuss the pitfalls of this kind of behaviour.

I am cross with myself. I feel that I have given too much trust to exDH and believed he'd do the same job of parenting as I have done for the rest of their lives - I've let him start handling admin and being a participant in the more serious bits of child-rearing and I haven't kept tabs on what they do at his (he has a v 'free-range' approach to parenting - they seem to ping-pong between friends' houses when he's working and spend a lot of time outside of the home alone). I'm cross that their step-mums involvement in their lives is still so fuzzy and undefined, that's not good for them.

I am FUMING that DD approached step-mum with such a 'secret' and step-mum didn't tell exDH. Had I not got hold of DD's phone who knows what would have happened - would she have had sex at 12?!

My AIBU:

• Am I right to come down on exH for what I feel is an actual safeguarding issue with step-mum?
• Am I within my rights to, now exH is barely at home and palming off childcare onto others, insist my kids are back home with me most of the time?

And how the fuck do I deal with a 12 year old's precocious social media?

Apologies if this doesn't make as much sense as I want it to, I have been beside myself today.

I can’t get my head around how her stepmum didn’t say anything; I’ve got a teenage stepchild and I wouldn’t dream of keeping this secret or even agreeing to keep secrets! As you recognise she is only part of this and there’s lots more to address but yes I’d say they need to be back with you and only with their dad when he’s actually there and he needs to be on top of all this too.

It’s such a relief to hear there are some sensible parents out there that don’t cave to pressure. I have a little girl and social media and smartphones is the thing I worry about most. They just aren’t mature enough to understand how to navigate it.

If this were my 12 year old daughter, she would not be going to dad's house unless dad was going to be there.
His live in ex girlfriend cannot be trusted to keep your child safe

@UnaVaca I have even been told by psychologist friends that “you can’t stop them having phones at secondary school.”

You can. You really can. As my child’s tutor said to me, it’s the children without phones who can sit calmly when things blow up on group chats/social media.

We all know adults who don’t navigate social
media very well. Why do we expect children to be able to do better?

OP, the highest issue you need to address is why your daughter feels the need to do these things.
A lecture about grooming etc. Won't help because nobody especially teens think it will happen to them, til it does.
You need to look at life from her eyes, tell her your there to talk about things when she's ready (it will be frustrating wait) and tell her you understand why she didn't feel she could talk to you (you don't actually have to understand straight away but it'll help her talk to give you the info to understand)
Ask her, do you think said boy would stop if you said no? She'll of course say yes. Then you just need to say but what if he didn't? What if you froze and couldn't say no but wanted to stop?
It's not a pleasant conversation but she'll be encouraged by friends and SM.
If she wants to post a picture in a nice outfit because she feels confident she can, if she wants to post her body because she feels that's what boys want (technically it is) then you need to work with her as to why.
We know the risks but you cannot fact lecture a 12 year old doing this and expect to just suddenly get it. They need to think for themselves and think 'What if?'

If your daughters secondary school has a link community police officer (in the schools in north London these exist) I would get in touch with the school and ask them to have a word with her about the photos and sharing of these - this May make her see what she has done is serious and get her to understand that these images are not ever gone even if she presses delete.
The police officer will also be able to talk to her about under age sex.
with regards to husband he needs to be aware of what is happening. Personally I would not draw any conclusions for him, simply show him what you have seen and if he’s a decent parent he would have the same concerns as you.

@SprinkleRainbow Really helpful post. I agree.

So step mother should have just gone ahead and let a 12 year old girl get pregnant?

Stunned that some people think that's okay. Of course she should have told OP.

Am I right in thinking that step mum was going to facilitate a sleep over for a 12 year old with her bf?

Yeah the OP said the 12 year old asked the stepmum if she could have a sleepover with the bf and the stepmum said yes! That's not normal for an adult and she is not a safe adult for the 12 year old to be around. Even if the stepmum didn't intend for it to happen she still gave the impression to the child that it's ok to even ask or think it's ok to do at that age. The stepmum should not be looking after the kids

OP I had similar with my DD at the same age.

I blocked all apps on her phone and it required parental consent to install anything. She literally had access to messages and phone calls and that was it.

I then found out she’d been trying to guess the password to get access back so I removed the phone completely and got her a non smartphone £30 brick. (She did a long bus journey alone after school so some contact was needed).

She earned her phone back after six months and there have been no problems since (she’s 18 now).

I haven’t dealt with underage sex though. At 12 that’s shocking. My gut feeling would be to talk to NSPCC and the boyfriends parents (as well as tearing the step mum and ex a new arsehole!)

Bloody hell OP, shocking and upsetting for you to find.

I would first ask your DH for a parenting meeting. Say it is serious and you need to talk about your Dd.

Have the meeting focussed on Dd. Show him the material and present the issues as things to address, not things to aportion blame over.

Dd lying about bf, secret plans , unsafe sexual behaviour , unsafe use of phone.

Ask him for his reactions and what he thinks. Say you need to work together to keep Dd safe and have the same understanding and boundaries. So that your Dd understands that these boundaries are an objective measure of what safety is for a child, not the mean spirited whom of any one parent based on their personality.

Maybe have a look at some of the websites about safeguarding young people on phones etc and the law, give him links? Ask him to make his ex aware of the law / safeguarding issues / your authority as parents. (But don’t badmouth her)

Do this before talking to your Dd so that you know she can’t run to him / his ex.

Good luck OP. She isn’t the first 12 yo to get carried away with her own imagined grown-upness.

As a step mum of an 11 year old, I find this absolutely horrifying. I would definitely be telling DH and his ex about something like that. It horrifies and scares me that my sd's mum has allowed her to have a phone with insta and snapchat on (started young - age 9?!) and when DH tried to talk to her about the fact that those websites have no search filters whatsoever (try typing in sex and see what absolute degenerate dross you get) she didn't seem to care. Part of me thinks she'd rather her daughter find things out from the internet so she doesn't have to have 'the talk.' As much as I like my SD potentially seeing me as a friend or someone she can talk to, I know I would lose my shit if she told me she was planning to have sex at 12. I lost my virginity too young (15) under not great circumstances and my wayward behaviour as a teen (before social media I might add) is one of my biggest regrets. I dread to think what a car-crash mess I'd be in this age of social media. Hormones + low self esteem + smart phones + inexperience = car crash!

I'm going in the opposite direction - what your daughter has done is very sad and so difficult for you to deal with - but she has already proved she can and wanted to create a secret life that she didn't feel comfortable sharing with you. If you cut her off from everything how do you think she'll react? She might just be more devious. You need to rebuild trust together - I would avoid being angry with her and try and educate her by showing her articles on other girls who acted like her and then found they had issues later in life of people showing photos, or employers finding photos etc.
Take her to the doctor to discuss her contraception options - if she wants to act like an adult she needs to see how adults do things. And gat the doctor to tell her she is underage and its illegal and anyone she sleeps with could be charged. That might have more impact than you telling her.

I understand your anger towards the stepmum re the text messages. Really inappropriate and a safeguarding issue.

But my god, your original post really lets her father off doesn’t it? You should have the same anger towards him too. Actually more, seeing as he’s her dad and this has happened in his household. Like, why hasn’t he been checking her phone? I know you have, but why hasn’t he? You should be livid with him.

She’s not their stepmum anymore, so she shouldn’t have to be getting involved in your children’s lives at all, let alone with inappropriate messages. Their dad needs to stop using her as childcare and they need to live apart ASAP. It sounds so toxic.

Well yeah no idea why she's being left with an EX girlfriend either

OP I grew up with genuinely terrible, frightening stepmothers and am not someone to instinctively assume a step-parent isn't guilty as charged - but, I think you have to be prepared for the ex stepmum here not to have know what was planned. Sometimes kids brag about how much they can get away with. It may be true of course, and in your shoes I would be beside myself at the risk to your daughter, but maybe leave a little room to hear that the adults in this aren't quite as cavalier as your daughter has painted them.

I hope that doesn't come across as naivety. At the very least she thinks they are dangerous manipulatable.

I’m really sorry you are going through this.

I think you need to cool down a bit (I am sure you have) and focus on what the actual problem is, which is your DD’s behaviour / lack of boundaries. Teens go through this stuff albeit she is young even for these days - so you don’t need to feel bad about it, but you do need to put all your energy there.

Don’t set up a pointless battle with your ex that’s neither here nor there. A fractured family is an easy thing for a teen to manipulate and will add to any sense of insecurity she has.

There’s no particular reason his ex partner shouldn’t take care of your kids while they’re with him. They know her - it’s better than a random hire in. On the face of it the SM hasn’t done anything wrong - I’m not clear that she actually knows your DD is planning to have sex (if it were me I certainly wouldn’t assume that at 12), you also don’t know what she told your ex.

You and your ex have a joint issue to solve, don’t go running at him shrieking about safeguarding as it’s an unfair attempt to blame him. Discuss it with him rationally - maybe he needs to be home more, certainly you 2 - and maybe you 3 - need to discuss a new set of rules. You can suggest the kids spent more time with you if he can’t be around, but at 12 your daughter’s views count, so this is going to be a negotiation. Best to work with your ex and the SM rather than against them. BTW the SM relationship with your kids is something they have built up, it’s not just going to end because they split up.

This child is 12 though, it’s quite possible the step mother meant them to sleep in separate rooms and stay over as friends.

I realise the OP is in a whole different place, but I have later teen step kids and at that age some of there friends had boy/girl friends who were just friends.

I don’t think you can assume the SM knew what was planned, nor that the child’s father did not know.

THEIR friends

The safeguarding email is monitored throughout the holidays and weekends by the DSL/Headteacher. As you saw other things from your DD's friends, it would be absolutely reasonable to email and inform them of everything so they are able to start dealing with things straight away on Monday. If you go onto the school website, that will have contact details listed.

Don't start trying to contact the boy's parents or focusing on the childcare - the point is what the girls are putting online and any pressure/contacts they are receiving.

Your anger is totally misdirected. Why are you angry with SM, when she clearly shouldn't have agreed to a sleepover, but with respect this is the least of your problems.

You have major issues. She is very young at 12 to be doing this stuff, thinking this way. To consider sex at 12 is telling. Her taking photos of her chest, 'who wants this', makes me cringe. Where have you been to not know that she was thinking this way? My ds2 the mums in year 9 have been telling their dc for years that be careful what you post, even nice friends photos, because you can't retract it.

You have much bigger issues than SM here.

I feel for you, but my takeaway from your post is this....Be careful your daughter has shared indecent images of a minor she is at risk of serious repercussions even if those images are just of herself... I speak from experience (my then 11yo DD) the police, school & welfare got involved it was horrendous. Forget everything else till you sort out the social media!

@kwetu what’s the position for a 12 year old boy who is sent images from a 12 year old girl?

I don’t think we can blame social media in this situation.

This happened when I was at school all be it over MSN and text messages but girls would take nudes and then they’d be sent round the whole town unfortunately.

I think your daughter is crying out for attention and love and she see’s male attention as the only way to fulfill that need. Social media is just giving your daughter the platform to do it. I would seriously consider some type of therapy for her to address her self esteem issues without shaming her. Professionals need to be involved.