To be fuming at step-mum

[caughto]

Long time poster/name changer, with the proviso that I know the shit end of the parenting stick step-parents get here but I need some rational thought.

Two kids, 11 and 12. Care split 50/50ish with exDH, which is a recent thing since covid - changes at that time cut down his work so he was able to be at home a lot more. Prior to that he was an EOW/Disney dad. I always thought this was a positive thing as exDH split when our youngest was six months and finally his career has slowed down enough that he could spend more time with them and properly contribute as a parent.

Back then he left me for a woman, who became my kids' step-mum (in all but name, they never married but were engaged). They broke up approx 4 months ago but due to circumstances they're still living together (not to do with money or means, even though she cheated on him they're both quite happily bumbling along together in the same house, which I find strange and confusing for the kids, he relies on her a lot for childcare as he's away with work more now the world has opened up).

This half term I had a bit of a bust-up with DD, 12, and confiscated her phone, which she only got a few months ago. I do spot checks on it but had not done a deep dive into what she'd been doing until today: I was horrified.

1. she'd confided with step mum (B) n on whatsapp telling her she had a boyfriend but to keep it a secret from mum and dad
2. she tried to convince stepmum to let her have a sleepover with said boyfriend, stepmum agreed. It didn't happen
3. in a conversation with a friend on whatsapp she said she was planning on having sex with boyfriend once parents are out of the way
4. social media (secret social media accounts - not the ones I have access to) is absolutely FULL of photos of her showing off her body - bum and boobs - and asking boys who wants 'this nyash', 'I'll show you my tits' etc

I am so sick after seeing it. Looking at her friends social media this is par for the course and I had no idea how grown up these girls are - they're so young. I remember being this much of a nightmare as a kid but not until I was about 16/17.

Until today I considered myself a good and principled parent, I talk often to the children about how they present themselves to the world, including with their social groups and social media, and we discuss the pitfalls of this kind of behaviour.

I am cross with myself. I feel that I have given too much trust to exDH and believed he'd do the same job of parenting as I have done for the rest of their lives - I've let him start handling admin and being a participant in the more serious bits of child-rearing and I haven't kept tabs on what they do at his (he has a v 'free-range' approach to parenting - they seem to ping-pong between friends' houses when he's working and spend a lot of time outside of the home alone). I'm cross that their step-mums involvement in their lives is still so fuzzy and undefined, that's not good for them.

I am FUMING that DD approached step-mum with such a 'secret' and step-mum didn't tell exDH. Had I not got hold of DD's phone who knows what would have happened - would she have had sex at 12?!

My AIBU:

• Am I right to come down on exH for what I feel is an actual safeguarding issue with step-mum?
• Am I within my rights to, now exH is barely at home and palming off childcare onto others, insist my kids are back home with me most of the time?

And how the fuck do I deal with a 12 year old's precocious social media?

Apologies if this doesn't make as much sense as I want it to, I have been beside myself today.

I think this post is very valid.

To ensure OP has the entire picture a calm conversation with ExH / Stepmum would be good idea - work out a unified way forward to keep DD safe.

Absolutely agree. The children’s commissioner has said that when they interview young adults about their experiences of SM, the number one thing they say they wish their parents had done differently was restrict their access when they were younger.

BFriend works in technology for a massive SM giant… ironically neither her and any of her colleagues let their children anywhere near phones and SM and that’s apparently very common.

@DrMarciaFieldstone I’ve heard that a lot too.

As a step mum myself I find this shocking and yes she failed miserably by not telling your Ex . There is no way I wouldn’t speak with SS s mum if I found out something as important . Instead she was helping them have sex ? Wtf !
I think you already know you are in for a rollercoasters with your daughter . You need a proper conversation and to keep her away from social media and probably some of her group of friends .

Sorry but I don't think step-mum is to blame here. At 12 years, saying that she has a boyfriend, most people would assume it was an innocent pre-teen relationship. If your daughter had told you that she had a boyfriend, be honest, would you have demanded to check her phone and worry that she might be sext-ting? I doubt it. And although step-mum agreed in principal to her having a sleep over, presumably this would have to have been with your exDH's knowledge and consent (as he lives there too). It would have been up to him to say 'absolutely no way is this happening'. The other 2 things that you mention cant be blamed on the step-mum. The real issue here, as other posters have pointed out, is that your daughter is engaging in risky, harmful behaviour, which suggests that she has deeper issues going on and for whatever reason, feels unable to confide in you or her dad.

I didn't read the sleepover thing as the step-mum 'helping them to have sex'. I read it as the daughter saying that she wanted them to have a sleepover, presumably with other friends as well (mixed sleepovers are not uncommon) and that her plan was for them to have sex.

Totally this. At this age I would think it was fairly innocent and not moving into anything else. She probably rethought the sleepover and thought better of it.

the fact is at 12 this isn’t normal (and yes I have a teenage daughter) and the ones that I am aware of are often unhappy and have inconsistent home life. The fact seems to be that the 50/50 isn’t working for her and parenting decisions are being lost between the two of you. And I imagine she finds the ex step mum but difficult as eell
its time to work togethrr

But in what world would it be her place to say it's ok, the kid asks and her response should be ask your mum or dad first. She told the stepmum it's her boyfriend so even different rooms is ridiculous. She would be very naive to think it's a completely PG situation. If it was a long-standing friend that's different situation and not the same as a boyfriend

The "boyfriend" is according to OP someone she met twice in a friend's house. I doubt he is even aware that OP's daughter considers him her boyfriend. Does nobody remember being 12?