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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she demanding or am I a pushover?

59 replies

Egyptcalling · 02/06/2023 10:44

I need to vent and get this off my chest. I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser and am happy to go with the flow. I tend to avoid conflict. I struggle to say no to people at times.

I’m getting increasingly annoyed with my DSis. She moved 1hr40 mins away with her DH and my niece who is 2. There is always an expectation that we will go to them to visit, they have never been to me and DH’s new house which we have lived in for over a year. Their reasoning is their DD’s schedule, it doesn’t fit in with her naps, too long in the car etc.

A few times they have given in and went to my parents house which is around 1 hour away from them, 40 minutes away from me. Whenever my niece is staying with my parents, I go over to visit her.

My DDads 70th is coming up and she has said that his family birthday meal needs to be in their town, to make it easier for them. My parents have agreed to this.

DSis her DH and DD are going away to Spain in October and have asked us to look after their cat and dog. This really annoyed me as me and DH are spending hundreds for our dog to be looked after when we go on a cruise this month.

I think I get so annoyed because I hate to put people to any trouble so I just can’t comprehend why DSis has this expectation that everyone will do what suits her and has a complete lack of appreciation when they do. I worry that if I start to say no then I will be accused of not wanting to see my niece or spend time with her

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 02/06/2023 10:45

There’s a magic word here I think you need to learn.

“No”.

HecticHedgehog · 02/06/2023 10:45

Yanbu

Original poster

Egyptcalling · 02/06/2023 10:49

Soubriquet · 02/06/2023 10:45

There’s a magic word here I think you need to learn.

“No”.

I know, I do try. I try to put forward my reasoning for it not being convenient but I then get guilt tripped and end up saying yes. I don’t want my niece to not have a relationship with DH and I because her parents won’t bring her to us.

Must try harder!

OP posts:

Littlefish · 02/06/2023 10:51

Don't give any reasoning. Just say no!

NerrSnerr · 02/06/2023 10:52

You don't need any reasoning. When they ask you to babysit you tell them you and your husband are working and you can't take leave the / you don't want to take leave then.

Newspeaker · 02/06/2023 10:55

Where you're going wrong is putting forward your reasoning. That's none of her business, and you're allowed to decline to do something just because you don't want to.
You can come here and babysit our pets for 4 days.
No, we won't be able to do that, it doesn't work for us to be away from home for 4 days.
But - it's lovely where we live and we'd hate to put them in kennels, surely not much to ask of you?
No, I appreciate you think it's not much to ask but it really won't work for us to be away from home for 4 days so we won't be doing it.
But - we won't be able to go on holiday unless you do this. How could you?
It's up to you whether you go on holiday, but it won't work for us to be away from home for 4 days so we won't be doing it.
It's called the broken record technique and most people give up asking after two attempts. If they get to three they get a "World Class CF" badge from MN. 😁

Notice - no "sorry" - no can't, won't is a much stronger word - no excuses for them to pick over and solve for you.

lookslikeabombhitit · 02/06/2023 10:55

You can't comprehend why dsis has an expectation that people will do whatever she says yet you all do whatever she says with no pushback whatsoever? That's why she thinks she can get away with it. Because she can and she has. You all need to pushback and start saying no or pointing out when she's being unreasonable. This is the monster you've all enabled by just going along with her demands!

Original poster

Egyptcalling · 02/06/2023 10:58

Thanks for the replies so far. I need to grow a backbone don’t I!

@lookslikeabombhitit I totally get what you’re saying, and I agree that she has been enabled. I think I’m more wondering how she can be quite happy to put people to so much trouble. I hate putting people to any trouble so it doesn’t quite compute in my brain how it doesn’t make her uncomfortable

OP posts:

Sirzy · 02/06/2023 10:59

Don’t give reasons just say no.

the more you let her think she is the centre of the universe the more she will believe it

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 02/06/2023 11:02

"I just can’t comprehend why DSis has this expectation that everyone will do what suits her"

Because nobody ever tells her no by the sounds of it. Be the first!

KnackeredBack · 02/06/2023 11:03

I've found that 'no, I don't want to' is a difficult phrase for the other person to overcome. No excuse there - blunt truth, but works well. If they then ask why you don't want to, you can then be utterly truthful (expensive, putting you out of your house, time consuming, using your precious AL etc.) You may need to practice saying those things beforehand and take a big breath before you do so, but hopefully it revolutionises your ongoing relationship.

MinnieGirl · 02/06/2023 11:04

Your sister is getting away with this because you are letting her….

She booked a holiday without asking if you could provide childcare, and then demands you stay in her flat, and have to take AL…
Sorry all leave is booked for that time, we can’t do it. Do wish you’d asked before you booked it. And staying at your flat wouldn’t work for us anyway.
It’s really too late to say no to this one but be in your guard for next time! She may cry and tell you she can’t cancel but that’s her problem. And I would be asking for a contribution towards petrol…

Dog and Cat in October? Sorry our dog won’t like that and it would be too stressful. You will need to book kennels or a pet sitter. You’ve got plenty of time…..

You can still visit them but start pushing back. Who the hell books a holiday without childcare? Stand up for yourself.

littleripper · 02/06/2023 11:06

Have you asked her to look after your dog?

OrigamiOwls · 02/06/2023 11:12

You don't need to try harder, you need to learn to say no. Start by declining pet sitting in October.

Rubychews · 02/06/2023 11:13

While you continue to say yes to these absurd requests they will continue to ask.

itsgettingweird · 02/06/2023 11:16

I think this is where the Mn phrase "that doesn't work for me" comes in!

She wants you have to have niece. It's at your house. Being at hers doesn't work for you.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/06/2023 11:16

Stop giving reasons! I find "Eh no thanks" followed by a laugh can put off the asker - if they think you think (or are pretending to think) they are joking it makes it a little more difficult for them to push it.

MarinatemysoulinSprite · 02/06/2023 11:16

I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser

But you are a person too! So is your DH.

Are you "pleased" with how things are?

Tell her no (and enjoy being pleased).

Wishimaywishimight · 02/06/2023 11:17

Or "Tempting but no thanks!"

Stop being a pushover. Saying "no" is life changing, you will gain a whole new respect for yourself.

RoachFish · 02/06/2023 11:22

She has no authority to be demanding these favours of you so yes, you are being a pushover. It is perfectly fine saying no things you don’t want to do. The fact that you are taking AL for something you don’t want to do is absurd. How did you get your DH to agree to that?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/06/2023 11:35

DSis seems to be becoming more and more selfish and demanding. For example, expecting me and DH to babysit our niece for 4 days next month while they go to Italy for their anniversary (having to both use 2 days AL). They booked the trip without having childcare arranged first. Not only that, she is insisting it has to be at her flat rather than niece coming here.
Start with this tell her DN will be babysat at your house and they will drop her off or they can find someone else to do it. Tell her she needs organise a pet sitter for the other holding. I don't know anyone who would think it was reasonable to ask someone with a full time job to pet sit or baby sit when they live that far away. She is being completely unreasonable, but if only works if you give in You and your DSis are very different people, she feels entitled to whatever she wants from you, this is working for her, she's not going to stop until you set strong boundaries and say no.

Isthisasillyquestion · 02/06/2023 11:38

Do it back! Don't pay for your dog to be looked after when you go away - cancel that and send the dog to your sisters. If she says no then you can say ok fine you'll have to put yours in the cattery/kennels too.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/06/2023 11:40

Just say 'no, this doesn't work for me' you don't have to give a reason, if she asks 'why' just respond with 'it's not convenient'

Well we've already booked the holiday
I'm sore you'll sort something

Don't you want to see dn
Of course we do, it's not convenient at this time

It'll cost us a fortune to put the pets in kennels
I know, kennels are expensive these days

Why won't you look after dm at our house
It's not convenient

And just keep going. It's her issue to solve, not yours

TwoShades1 · 02/06/2023 11:43

I don’t think any of those things are particularly unreasonable to ask of close family members. I think the problem is you agreeing to do it even if you don’t want do. Where your dad has his birthday meal is really none of your business, it’s his choice. If it’s too far for you to attend that’s fine too. If you generally come across as agreeable and happy to help then people will keep asking for things as you seem to be happy about it to them!

AbbieLexie · 02/06/2023 11:46

I've learnt many valuable things on Mumsnet - No. is a complete sentence. No discussion - just repeat. At first I found it very difficult but with practise it has become much easier.

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