Is she demanding or am I a pushover?

[Egyptcalling]

I need to vent and get this off my chest. I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser and am happy to go with the flow. I tend to avoid conflict. I struggle to say no to people at times.

I’m getting increasingly annoyed with my DSis. She moved 1hr40 mins away with her DH and my niece who is 2. There is always an expectation that we will go to them to visit, they have never been to me and DH’s new house which we have lived in for over a year. Their reasoning is their DD’s schedule, it doesn’t fit in with her naps, too long in the car etc.

A few times they have given in and went to my parents house which is around 1 hour away from them, 40 minutes away from me. Whenever my niece is staying with my parents, I go over to visit her.

DSis seems to be becoming more and more selfish and demanding. For example, expecting me and DH to babysit our niece for 4 days next month while they go to Italy for their anniversary (having to both use 2 days AL). They booked the trip without having childcare arranged first. Not only that, she is insisting it has to be at her flat rather than niece coming here. We are more than happy to spend time with our niece but it just feels like there is no appreciation for the fact we are using AL, spending a fortune on petrol to travel there and during the 4 days.

My DDads 70th is coming up and she has said that his family birthday meal needs to be in their town, to make it easier for them. My parents have agreed to this.

DSis her DH and DD are going away to Spain in October and have asked us to look after their cat and dog. This really annoyed me as me and DH are spending hundreds for our dog to be looked after when we go on a cruise this month.

I think I get so annoyed because I hate to put people to any trouble so I just can’t comprehend why DSis has this expectation that everyone will do what suits her and has a complete lack of appreciation when they do. I worry that if I start to say no then I will be accused of not wanting to see my niece or spend time with her

She's taking the piss because she knows you won't push back.

It's outrageous that she is expecting you to come to her to babysit her child while she goes on a holiday which she hadn't bothered asking you about first. No sensible person would expect that.

Use this to assert some boundaries.

The more you just agree, the more she will put on you. It becomes defacto, an expectation rather than a request. If you then stand up to her, she will become affronted as you’ve always just done it so why not this time.

you need to put boundaries in place OP. It sounds like you want to help your sister but you want to be appreciated and not taken advantage of which is basic respect.

did you ask for help with your pets? What would she say? It needs to be give and take

i wouldn’t have took annual leave for example but would have stated I could help at the weekend at my own home (if that suited)

And as other PP say, if she takes the piss it will just have to be a flat no. Some people just take take take

My sister was like this, in fact both were.

Thing is, I'm happy to take the lion's share of travelling. I get that it's easier for me. But it's not 100% easier, and certainly not cost or time free.

With that sort of distance, I think a 50% you, 25% them, 25% grandparents balance would be more realistic.

Stop giving reasons. If you want to babysit dn fine but tell sis it's at your house or nothing and yes they will have to drop her off and pick her up.

And nope cant have their pets as your working

There is no try, there is only do.

Your key mistake is engaging in debate or giving reasons that she can argue with.

"No, it's too far. That doesn't work for me. I won't be doing that."

Ok this next bit is going to sound harsh, but I'm saying it with the genuine intention to help you...

"people pleaser" is just a fancy way of saying weak and avoidant. It's a form of self indulgence and not a positive or attractive character trait at all.

She doesn't respect you because let's be honest, you don't act like you deserve it.

Make the decision that you matter too, and stop giving reasons!

Is your sister the only one with children? Was she like this before she had a child?

I very much doubt that she will withhold contact with your niece, but it does sound like she enjoys making the threat. If it wasn't your niece, it would be something else. She's selfish and self absorbed to the point where she doesn't care about inconveniencing your parents around your fathers birthday.

You have two choices, carry on and her demands will continue and get more and more ridiculous. Or put a stop to it now.

You are not her default childcare for when she wants a holiday. Say no now and she will either have to take her child with her, or cancel.

Same with her pets. Say no.

And visiting her all the time. And everything else.

Good luck.

:) you are right OP; using 'the word that is not yes' is a skill to be learned !
Get rehearsing for your new strong role.

First line of defence:
No - I can't do that.
No- that isn't convenient for us.
No- we are not available.

Think of those cross-examination scenes in court-room dramas. Say little - stick to the facts. As soon as you start offering extra material (excuses/reasons) - you are lost.

If you are further cross-examined by your sis try things like:

She: ' Why are you not available?'
Strong You: 'I don't want to go into that now.' (Followed by swift change of subject) 'Isn't it infuriating that Philip Scofield...' or 'Have you heard about Mum and the...? or 'Do you remember when we all...' or 'Are you watching Y...'

She: 'Why isn't it convenient?
Strong You'It is just one of those things. (Followed by compelling subject change and distraction.)

(Try and pick a favourite irritation of hers or a subject she has strong feelings about. Have it ready!)

Why would you take annual leave to look after her child?

If she holds visiting your niece over your head knowing full-well that SHE needs YOUR services, just say “Okay then. You’ve heard my terms.”
I would also tell her that you AL has been rejected. She’s a CF.

We all help each other out, it helps that me and my child free, single sister are retired, plus another relative's house that we stay in to pet sit is in a holiday location, where pubs etc are dog friendly. Even so we all expect each other to sort arrangements for what they can, next year that will include kennels and after school provision. Now is the perfect time for them to travel, before school terms/times limit them. Put your foot down over the pet sitting and next year over everything, unless agreed in advance by everyone.

I think she’s unreasonable but I think you’re (understandably) a bit too pissed off with all of it and need to consider that you do perhaps need to point out that you can’t be at her beck and call and they should have asked you first BUT she does have a young child so it would make things easier on them to not have to travel and if her dog and cat aren’t much trouble I’d probably take them in (doesn’t work the other way as 2 dogs and a young baby could be hell!)

She can behave like this because you are showing her that she can, that you'll accommodate whatever it is she wants and will do so without challenging her at all.

Because despite how annoyed you are getting, you've not told her any of this, you just go and do it.

So yes, get a backbone and stop worrying about potentially upsetting someone who does not worry about upsetting you.

With a lot of it you wouldn't even be saying no, you are saying 'yes we can babysit/ pet sit but we'll do it at my house thanks' so she is still getting what she wants, she just has to compromise.

Unless there is a lot more to this than a bot go selfishness, I can't imagine she'd stop you having a relationship with your niece if you stand up to her.

thanks for the replies so far. I need to grow a backbone don’t I!
In the nicest way, yes you do.
It's insane to even contemplate looking after her pets. Just say no. She can sort out something closer to home.
Do you want to look after your neice? Say yes, but only at our house, it's not convenient to come to yours.

No will set you free

@Egyptcalling you know it’s perfectly ok to have boundaries? Establish some.

You say "I can't comprehend why DSis has this expectation that everyone will do what suits her", but I'm sure you do understand really. She has the expectation because everyone DOES do what suits her. You are one of the people who do what suits her. You could have said you were willing to look after your niece but it has to be at your house. You could say you want them to come and see your new house and point out that it's their turn. You could say you can't look after the dog. I know it's not easy, having door mat tendencies myself, but don't let yourself get to my age (mid 60s) before you do something about it.

I find in any situations when asked to do something or someone makes demands of you the response "sorry that really doesn't suit me/us" works. You need not elaborate further and if they choose to press you on that then that's upto them.

And after a few times of you saying an unequivocal "No" - ie stop allowing them getting you to justify why you won't bend to their will, they'll move onto someone more susceptible. Have a ready stock of responses (not excuses) which work for a variety of CFery boundary testing requests. These will not only work with family but a range of other similar circumstances too. Stay strong OP. 🌹

Best advice.

Good heavens, has she always been so spoilt?

The important thing to learn is to say no without explanation. You do not need your sister to be satisfied that your excuse is sufficiently compelling. You just need her to hear the word no and understand you mean it.

I have a friend who always wants things her own way. Her wants are always more important than others’ needs. She likes to go out early, I have commitments that mean I can’t. I just repeat over and over again no I won’t be there until x time. She does the PA route and books the restaurant without consultation at the time it suits her. I repeat - again as I already told you I won’t be there until x time.

There is no reason you can’t sometimes put yourself out to help your sister, if you want to. But she needs to start respecting you as a person with their own life. So you need to start demanding that respect by asserting some boundaries. Absolutely do not look after her pets, that’s your first test!

Stop giving a reason.

Just say, no that won't work with our lives, you'll have to ask someone else and refuse to talk about it

Stop agreeing.
She’s a user!
Having a child doesn’t mean she can drive to you.. that’s an excuse! Kids sleep in the car.
Only you can sort this by saying no!

Whilst of course driving with a child can be harder, as well as scheduling drives somewhat to their schedule, it certainly doesn’t mean she can never drive to yours.
Insist that if she wants you to babysit your niece it will be at your place. And in future you won’t be able to use your AL for their childcare needs.

if pet sitting doesn’t work for you, don’t do it. Or say that it will be a reciprocal thing, that she’ll do the same for you in future.

Start saying no to things. Or at least insist on doing things your way if you’re doing her a favour.

You're an utter mug.