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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she demanding or am I a pushover?

59 replies

Egyptcalling · 02/06/2023 10:44

I need to vent and get this off my chest. I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser and am happy to go with the flow. I tend to avoid conflict. I struggle to say no to people at times.

I’m getting increasingly annoyed with my DSis. She moved 1hr40 mins away with her DH and my niece who is 2. There is always an expectation that we will go to them to visit, they have never been to me and DH’s new house which we have lived in for over a year. Their reasoning is their DD’s schedule, it doesn’t fit in with her naps, too long in the car etc.

A few times they have given in and went to my parents house which is around 1 hour away from them, 40 minutes away from me. Whenever my niece is staying with my parents, I go over to visit her.

DSis seems to be becoming more and more selfish and demanding. For example, expecting me and DH to babysit our niece for 4 days next month while they go to Italy for their anniversary (having to both use 2 days AL). They booked the trip without having childcare arranged first. Not only that, she is insisting it has to be at her flat rather than niece coming here. We are more than happy to spend time with our niece but it just feels like there is no appreciation for the fact we are using AL, spending a fortune on petrol to travel there and during the 4 days.

My DDads 70th is coming up and she has said that his family birthday meal needs to be in their town, to make it easier for them. My parents have agreed to this.

DSis her DH and DD are going away to Spain in October and have asked us to look after their cat and dog. This really annoyed me as me and DH are spending hundreds for our dog to be looked after when we go on a cruise this month.

I think I get so annoyed because I hate to put people to any trouble so I just can’t comprehend why DSis has this expectation that everyone will do what suits her and has a complete lack of appreciation when they do. I worry that if I start to say no then I will be accused of not wanting to see my niece or spend time with her

OP posts:

NowItsSpring · 02/06/2023 14:03

Soubriquet · 02/06/2023 10:45

There’s a magic word here I think you need to learn.

“No”.

Absolutely this.

lousong · 02/06/2023 14:21

She sounds like my sister.. YANBU, just say no and then evaluate and reflect on why you feel so pressured by her

SpringIntoChaos · 02/06/2023 14:23

Use your words! You're an adult ffs! All this 'I'm a bit of a people pleaser' is just ridiculous as an adult!

LakieLady · 02/06/2023 14:29

When someone is either so thick-skinned, or so determined to get their own way, that they overcome every obstacle you raise to doing what they require you to do, there is only one way of getting your position across to them: saying "I don't want to do x/y/z".

I heartily recommend it.

Anon6842 · 02/06/2023 14:44

You’re being used and you know it.
I have allowed myself to be used by friends and family because I feared I’d be alone otherwise. It’s a hold that some people will happily put over you. They know what your weaknesses are and use them against you.

In your situation, it sounds like your sister needs you far more that you need her. Stand firm- you deserve far more respect.

PossiblyNotOne · 02/06/2023 14:55

You need to look at yourself and work out why you’re like this, why are you such a people pleaser and can’t say no. Was your sister the golden child? Did you spend your childhood trying to please everyone? What happened when you didn’t? It will have stemmed from somewhere. Only now you’re an adult and can stop this behaviour.

So what if she gets upset. They’re your boundaries and you’re allowed to have them.

EthicalNonMahogany · 02/06/2023 19:33

To take a slightly different tack, you were asking, OP, if anyone could explain how your sister felt OK just demanding what she wants and not thinking about putting others out.

Try this - https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

'Askers' vs. 'Guessers'

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891

morejumpingfrogs · 11/06/2023 15:27

Blobblobblob · 02/06/2023 12:19

There is no try, there is only do.

Your key mistake is engaging in debate or giving reasons that she can argue with.

"No, it's too far. That doesn't work for me. I won't be doing that."

Ok this next bit is going to sound harsh, but I'm saying it with the genuine intention to help you...

"people pleaser" is just a fancy way of saying weak and avoidant. It's a form of self indulgence and not a positive or attractive character trait at all.

She doesn't respect you because let's be honest, you don't act like you deserve it.

Make the decision that you matter too, and stop giving reasons!

Harsh but fair! I get it might hurt, but listen to blob, they're spot on here

OneLittleFinger · 11/06/2023 15:32

What have you said re pet-sitting? Either say mo or, if you have already said yes, ring her and tell her you have changed your mind and won't be doing it, but here's the number of the kennels you use.

Out of interest what would be your parents' reaction to you saying no to them?

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