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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend told me he informs his parents when we have sex- AIBU to be upset?

103 replies

Redrose28 · 01/06/2023 18:03

Hi all. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here, but I just feel so upset.

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We are both not very sexually experienced, and we have both got some issues- me being very tight down there and him going soft. His parents live abroad, but he is very close to them. His father has come over for a visit today from his country and I met him in the morning. My bf has told me that his parents know everything about him, and he speaks with them about anything. He is often calling and texting them.

A couple of things happened before that made me think that he may be talking about private matters about us with his family. Then, yesterday , he told me that when his father comes he will be sure to ask about his intimate issues to get advice. He told me he would also be willing to speak to his mother about my intimate issues.

I started to get a little uncomfortable, and I outright asked, do you tell your parents we have sex(oral). And he told me that sometimes after we do the deed, he lets them know that we’ve ‘just had fun’. He told me that since he is a virgin his parents in a way are keeping an eye on him in this regard, and he wants to keep them updated, since it’s not that usual that a 26 year old male is a virgin.

I’m not sure what else exactly he has discussed with them and I’m worried he’s shared more intimate things, especially relating to me. I feel upset and quite icky. Sex is something very private to me. When I was speaking to his father I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable knowing what his son has told him.

Am I overreacting here? I definitely do not want to control my boyfriend, but I just feel violated.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 01/06/2023 18:16

That is very weird. Very, very weird. How could you ever have sex with him again knowing that his Mum and Dad are going to discuss it in detail afterwards?

You really cannot date this man.

U2HasTheEdge · 01/06/2023 18:16

Of course this happened!

EdinaCrump · 01/06/2023 18:17

What a man-baby. Ick.

Original poster
Redrose28 · 01/06/2023 18:19

I don’t think he discusses the specifics of the acts, more just tells them over his phone that we’ve done it(this is what I gathered from what he told me), if he happens to call them/they call him at some point after(May be a few hours after)

OP posts:
Blort · 01/06/2023 18:19

This pic seems appropriate

My boyfriend told me he informs his parents when we have sex- AIBU to be upset?
2bazookas · 01/06/2023 18:20

I suspect he's from a culture where it's important to "be a virgin" on marriage
and that's A) why you dont have PIV sex and B ) he needs/wants his parents to believe you're both still virgins.

If they thought you were not a virgin they would probably make him end the relationship.

TFMinx · 01/06/2023 18:20

I have never hoped more that the OP was a troll until now! 🤢 please say you're a troll; this is NOT OK!

Bogggle · 01/06/2023 18:20

Hmmmmmm

Topseyt123 · 01/06/2023 18:21

I don't think I would be able to continue in the relationship after that. Who the fuck goes bleating to Mummy and Daddy after having sex?? And why aren't Mummy and Daddy telling him that things such as this are best kept private?

Utterly creepy.

MyAnacondaMight · 01/06/2023 18:21

What a turn off. You’re in an intimate relationship with him, but he’s in an intimate relationship with his parents.

It won’t just be sex either. It’ll be every argument you have, your salary and finances, your health issues etc. Dump him quick.

wherearethewindows · 01/06/2023 18:21

It's really very odd. Ive always been really close with my parents, I would hope for my son to be close to me. I would have expect or have messaged a parent to tell them about when I had sex. It really is a red flag - there is no boundary at all in their relationship and it's very socially odd.

It does also make me wonder if you are struggling because of physical reasons or if he's just not very good in bed (I'm sorry if you know, I'm sure you do but a woman has to be turned on to get wet to allow entry - if you're not getting wet it will be too difficult)

Original poster
Redrose28 · 01/06/2023 18:22

I’m not exactly sure how much he tells them, I don’t think he goes into specifics, but at the very least he has told them, most likely at least a few times judging by what he told me, that , in his words ‘we had fun’

OP posts:
CharlotteRumpling · 01/06/2023 18:23

WTF. LTB

diddl · 01/06/2023 18:23

He told me he would also be willing to speak to his mother about my intimate issues.

How very generous fucking weird.

Original poster
Redrose28 · 01/06/2023 18:25

My anaconda might- you’re right, he’s actually discussed pap/ smear tests with his mother and sister, and has been trying to encourage me to do them. Don’t get me wrong, I know they are beneficial, but I hope you get my point

OP posts:
MyAnacondaMight · 01/06/2023 18:25

Ok, yeah - is there some cultural context that might explain the policing of your sexual behaviour interest in virginity?!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/06/2023 18:25

Redrose28 · 01/06/2023 18:14

That’s the thing, he’s great in other ways, which is why this has broken my heart, I am genuinely considering splitting:( dear god, all I want is some privacy . I’m meant to be going out with him and his dad tomorrow too, I feel awful

How on earth (and WHY on earth) could you go out with his FATHER who now probably knows more about your intimate areas than, by the sounds of it, your boyfriend himself? Urgh. I'd be forever looking at him and thinking 'does he know about the time we xxxxx? Does he know that I always xxxxx during sex?'

Original poster
Redrose28 · 01/06/2023 18:27

Just to clarify, I don’t think( I at least hope to god), that he goes into actual specifics, but he has at the very least informed his parents

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 01/06/2023 18:28

Ugh.

This would not work for me.

In my early '20s I briefly had a boyfriend who was perfectly open about discussing our potential sex life with his mother. We were thinking of starting a sexual relationship and stone me, didn't he mention quite casually that he had talked to his mother about the question.

Goodness, I dumped him right away. Didn't even tell him why because well I think I wanted to punish him. Sigh.

He stayed in touch with my parents, as if that ever did him any good. Pah.

diddl · 01/06/2023 18:39

No matter how great he is in other ways, doesn't this outweigh them all?

Honestly, what would you tell a friend to do?

LlynTegid · 01/06/2023 18:40

Horrid, end the relationship.

MissMogwai · 01/06/2023 18:41

Blort · 01/06/2023 18:19

This pic seems appropriate

🤣🤣

ThrowAwayOne · 01/06/2023 18:49

If he's telling them this type of info already imagine how much he'll tell them about any silly arguments/anything you do which he doesn't agree with which then leads to them getting a very biased one sided account of your relationship, and you.

I'd dump him.

ExtraOnions · 01/06/2023 18:53

Do you really want to be with someone, long term, who tells his parents every detail of your life… in order (I would imagine) some sort of approval ? Where would it end ?

This is a massive no-no. Go find someone else

WhatNoRaisins · 01/06/2023 18:55

If you were to go to marry this man, get pregnant, raise a family this will just get more and more invasive.

Maybe your body is telling you something.