Shouldn’t have had second child - CoL

[Soakitup37]

I’m feeling pretty low today and am posting here for traffic and to frankly get “seen” before I have a breakdown. I feel useless right now.

I was divorcee with 1 child, shared care 50/50 very amicable. Son is 8 and well loved.

in 2021 I found myself pregnant from a fling which had done a runner the moment I told him I was pregnant. At 37 I was in the hard place to decide what to do - keep the baby or not. I decided I was in a good position work and financially to continue the pregnancy and was happy with my decision once I’d let the reality settle. It feels as though as soon as I was pregnant the CoL crisis hit hard. Every month would go by and I’d question if keeping the baby was right, every month reassuring myself I had this worked out. And I did, I ended up solo parenting and got to over 10 months on mat leave, before I had to return to work, keeping everything a float. But still the kicks keep coming.

I haven’t had a holiday since 2019 and my 8 yo is begging for us to go away just as much as I want to. I’ve been crunching numbers and trying to find money but every time I do another bill comes to bite me and I start again.

im also in the throws of childcare hell this month was £945 for a month, I do get the universal credit childcare element but the payment is upfront and reimbursed and I’m struggling to pay everything else in a month on top of that.

its spiralling and I can see pretty soon I’m gonna end up unable to pay for things. I’ve got a “good” salary (£40k a year) and get maintenance from my 8yo (nothing for the baby, even if cms went after the dad he’s got nothing to give anyway) I have a relatively secure job and work hard, I’m legally not allowed to take a second job at my place and frankly I don’t know where I’d find time after working full time all week and without childcare at the weekends to do this although I could try- and this would drain me further as a single parent.

I could sell my car but I think this would be false economy since I would pay a lot just to get around without it. It would be a short term
solution leaving me without money or a car.

I’ve just received another bill from my housing association for my place (I have a mortgage they are the owners) for a bill of £900 to pay by the end of this month. Who has that sort of money to pull out of nowhere in 30 days??!!

I feel so frustrated. I am a really good mum and my kids are happy loved and looked after with all their needs met but I’ve got both birthdays coming up and I’m basically having to write it off. 1yo is fine won’t notice won’t care. 8 will understand and I’ll get creative and he’ll think it’s a wicked birthday but the whole time im
treading water. I spend zero on myself, I’ve even taken to dieting to lose weight and rewear clothes I can’t fit into just to revive my wardrobe. I need new glasses desperately- my current ones are out of prescription and scratched up, (this an expensive complex prescription and I can’t just buy them online.) and cost me about £200 to replace.

my stomach drops when I go to the post box now, I’m just waiting for the next thing to suckerpunch me in the face. It feels so cruel to do everything right and still be on your knees.

I keep thinking again that I shouldn’t have kept the pregnancy. I LOVE my baby so so much but I feel guilty that the life I’m giving them feels like it could fall through so easily and quickly. Like I’m failing them.

I keep trying to remind myself that childcare bills are only temporary, that I still have a good job and that if I can just get through the next 3 years or so I’m going to be in a really strong position for lots of reasons and we will all feel the benefits of that. (I will have paid off a big loan(which I had to take out to pay for a house lease extension, I’d have lost my home without it) mortgage will be smaller, the childcare element will have gone)

I’m low, I’m out of steam trying to stay positive and I feel like I’m just not doing well enough even though I’m educated, working and very savvy in the way of keeping on top of things.

I just needed to vent, thank you for reading if you got this far.

has anyone else had a period of time like this in their life where they came out on top again? I could really do with some positive stories if anyone would share?

Honestly not sure what to say other than I’ve read your post and I am so sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds tough but it also sounds like this is only as bad as it is because you've been off on maternity and then unpaid for the last bit.
It seems like your outgoings won't be too bad considering you get maintenance for your DS and help with childcare from UC.

Hopefully things will start getting easier over the next few months.

Sorry you're having such a hard time

Try and see the long-term, not just the short-term. I know it's really hard, but you've already outlined the positives coming down the line. You WILL one day look back on this period as a horrible blip. Try not to let it suck the joy out of life and your kids.

Be really strict on budgeting where you can e.g. YNAB - feeling in control even of very little can be empowering in its own way. Sorry you're going through this, it must suck.

Well yes it is tough. It was always going to be tough though, crises happen periodically so you were always going to be hit by one be it CoL, sickness, redundancy etc

In terms of positive stories your situation sounds identical to my step-mother's (except my dad, her ex husband, never had my dsis 50:50). And it worked out fine in the end, getting considerably easier for her once child 2 got to secondary age (my dsis used to help babysit him from age 13 also).

As for holidays etc does your ex not take your first child away?

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, it's scary and hard, it's no wonder you feel on your knees by it all. Would it be possible to make any extra cash via letting a room or using a shed/garage as a storage space for someone? Not sure of the insurances required but it might be worth looking into? Letting your drive for commuters if you live somewhere where that would appeal? I think it's even possible to let your garden to people who want to grow veg but can't get an allotment? I'm trying to think of ways you could increase your income with as little input as possible.

It's tough. It will get easier, but hanging on in the meantime is exhausting. 💐

Thanks, I have nothing to sell. I’m in a flat and no extra room, the kids already share and no outside space to utilise.

to increase my income I have looked at the options. I can’t even afford to physically move, moving costs alone I haven’t got spare and then I have to stay local for the co-parenting legalities. I’m in London which doesn’t help with costs.

I’ll see if I can sell some jewellery, god knows if it would even sell, then what. Such a crappy existence to just flog everything just to have more bills come your way. What if I run out of
stuff to sell? I don’t have Netflix or any other subscription services, no fun stuff for me whatsoever which is fine as an interim but again what a non existing life to live to work so hard and have no pleasure from it but to say phew we got through this month by the skin of my teeth…

I’m really trying to see the long term. It’s hard though because right now in the thick of it it’s just full blown stressful without any let up at all.

my kids are amazing and I don’t regret having them - I just wish I was in a position to enioy them without this stress strapped to my back.

doesn’t help that ex h has a very VERY comfortable life, such a slap in the face again.

I’m usually the most optimistic person you’ll meet but the optimism in me is just being lost in the thick of it all.

You love your baby and you are not failing them. Love is the most important thing.

Let your Ex husband take your 8 year old on holiday.

Do you still like your Ex husband?

Will things ease in July (I think) when the childcare payment is going to be up front rather than you pay and then it gets paid back to you?

childcare years are hard, we’re just coming out of them. Are they at nursery? Would a childminder be cheaper?

I’m sorry it’s tough right now, it’s shit to have a ‘good’ wage on paper but in reality it barely covers the basics anymore.

First of all - well done. You are doing brilliantly. I know you are ground down but you are holding it all together. You’re kids are lucky to have you.

You absolutely need to think long term. When baby starts school things will be very different. You’ll have probably had a pay rise by then or a promotion.

It is only very recently that people have had so much money. When my mum and dad were growing up they never had a holiday. We had a week in the UK when we were little. I’m saying don’t compare yourself to other people. You can’t have holidays now, but you will soon. Hold on to that.

Onto practical things… can you do a child swap with another family? So you all can get a day off. Are you maximising all the free stuff? Libraries etc, cheap children’s cinemas. Are you shopping right? If I were you I would be on moneysavingexpert every day. Those guys are so positive and love saving money, so you will be with people who spend v little. Are you absolutely sure you are getting all benefits? Can you apply for new better paying jobs. Be aggressive at work. Really go for promotions.

You basically need a mental boost. When does baby start school? You can do this. You are strong and tough.

Just some practical tips: ask for hand me downs from friends. We’ve had bikes, clothes and toys, I regularly wrap hand me downs and store till Christmas/birthdays.
Tip 2 join local Facebook groups for your areas and look for giveaways. We have had a sofa, bed and plants from there.
Tip 3 look at Reddit beer money group, you can earn small amount’s through surveys and the like.
Tip 4 think about skills you have that earn money and ask for promotions and pay increases.
Tip 5 Bulk buy!!! When Covid began i didn’t have to worry as I’d been to the local Asian market and spotted a deal on toilet paper and bought a years worth in November 2019!
Tip 6 do the bank account swapping to earn extra cash.

£40k and getting UC? My childcare bill for one is over £1000/month and I don’t get anything back. I need to look into UC if you can get it on £40k when you’re also on social housing / a homeowner?!

You sound like a such good, strong mum and woman. You'll be fine, everything will be ok. Sounds like a particularly tough month right now.

I know this is still long term so doesn’t help immediately, but I think you will be eligible for the additional childcare funding from April next year? The 15 free hours for 2 year olds. Still a year away but it’s a not as far off as it was before.

Have you checked you’re getting the correct amount of child maintenance?

Oh and are you using the tax free childcare as well? I know these are all obvious things you’ve probably already done but just in case you haven’t.

Can you sign up for focus groups to get some extra income? If you’re in London it can be £50+ for an in person group.

Your home is small, but you own not rent so you don’t have to worry about the rent going up.

for summer childcare, take a look at what cheap/low cost groups are running. Our council runs low cost holiday clubs in the adventure playground, but you do have to sign up quickly.

seconding what a PP said about doing childcare swaps with other families, we have play dates with DD’s friends in the summer then she’ll go to them for the day when we’re working.

Will your 2yo be eligible for free hours soon?

What a helpful contribution to OP’s thread.

True, just also struggling and shocked at how much free money is apparently out there!

If ex is comfortable and has shared custody, why isn't he taking DC on holiday?

Talk to the HA about the maintenance bill and see if you can stagger it. Money saving expert forums will have tips & advice for getting the best deals, along with any income possible.

Don't worry about going away right now; everyone is struggling with CoL and and your eight year old won't die from waiting a year or two. It may be worth borrowing camping kit and going away one weekend or planning a staycation in London (there's usually lots of free activities over school holidays).

Finally, remind yourself of what you have achieved. Two kids, one income and a stable home in one of the most expensive cities in Europe. 40k isn't that much for London and childcare for under-3 is staggering. It's going to get better. You know it is.

Feel free to start your own thread. Or write to The Daily Mail.

This thread is for support/ideas on helping the OPs financial situation.

@Soakitup37 I agree with advice to visit the moneysavingexpert forum. There are some good tips for reducing costs as well as maximising your income. Check on turn2us I think it's called now? Make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to.

This isn't your future, that's what you need to remember when you feel like this.
I've been there where you just don't know how to stay afloat anymore and feel like your not giving your kids everything you wish you could.
But honestly kids don't need the big stuff, make cookies with them, let them make a mess occasionally, build dens with them and pretend your flying to another country, use your local Facebook groups for second hand bikes, tents, toys, etc.
I couldn't buy Christmas presents one year and on a Facebook page an amazing kind lady and her young child sent us a Christmas package with some lovely bits in and it made christmas for us.

You will come out the other side of it, and look back and see how strong you've been. Keep treading that water, your 1 year old is here for a reason and the childcare costs won't last forever.

Would you parents help out if they are still around? I have adult children and I would be horrified if they were in a bad situation and didn’t think they could ask me for help.

If you can’t increase your income, is there any way to reduce costs?

For instance, could you switch to an interest-only mortgage just until you’re out of the expensive childcare years?

It’s not generally the best course of action for the long-term but if you need more cash in the short term it might be an option? As long as you could afford the increased payments when you switch back to repayment.

Or any scope to extend the term?