Shouldn’t have had second child - CoL

[Soakitup37]

I’m feeling pretty low today and am posting here for traffic and to frankly get “seen” before I have a breakdown. I feel useless right now.

I was divorcee with 1 child, shared care 50/50 very amicable. Son is 8 and well loved.

in 2021 I found myself pregnant from a fling which had done a runner the moment I told him I was pregnant. At 37 I was in the hard place to decide what to do - keep the baby or not. I decided I was in a good position work and financially to continue the pregnancy and was happy with my decision once I’d let the reality settle. It feels as though as soon as I was pregnant the CoL crisis hit hard. Every month would go by and I’d question if keeping the baby was right, every month reassuring myself I had this worked out. And I did, I ended up solo parenting and got to over 10 months on mat leave, before I had to return to work, keeping everything a float. But still the kicks keep coming.

I haven’t had a holiday since 2019 and my 8 yo is begging for us to go away just as much as I want to. I’ve been crunching numbers and trying to find money but every time I do another bill comes to bite me and I start again.

im also in the throws of childcare hell this month was £945 for a month, I do get the universal credit childcare element but the payment is upfront and reimbursed and I’m struggling to pay everything else in a month on top of that.

its spiralling and I can see pretty soon I’m gonna end up unable to pay for things. I’ve got a “good” salary (£40k a year) and get maintenance from my 8yo (nothing for the baby, even if cms went after the dad he’s got nothing to give anyway) I have a relatively secure job and work hard, I’m legally not allowed to take a second job at my place and frankly I don’t know where I’d find time after working full time all week and without childcare at the weekends to do this although I could try- and this would drain me further as a single parent.

I could sell my car but I think this would be false economy since I would pay a lot just to get around without it. It would be a short term
solution leaving me without money or a car.

I’ve just received another bill from my housing association for my place (I have a mortgage they are the owners) for a bill of £900 to pay by the end of this month. Who has that sort of money to pull out of nowhere in 30 days??!!

I feel so frustrated. I am a really good mum and my kids are happy loved and looked after with all their needs met but I’ve got both birthdays coming up and I’m basically having to write it off. 1yo is fine won’t notice won’t care. 8 will understand and I’ll get creative and he’ll think it’s a wicked birthday but the whole time im
treading water. I spend zero on myself, I’ve even taken to dieting to lose weight and rewear clothes I can’t fit into just to revive my wardrobe. I need new glasses desperately- my current ones are out of prescription and scratched up, (this an expensive complex prescription and I can’t just buy them online.) and cost me about £200 to replace.

my stomach drops when I go to the post box now, I’m just waiting for the next thing to suckerpunch me in the face. It feels so cruel to do everything right and still be on your knees.

I keep thinking again that I shouldn’t have kept the pregnancy. I LOVE my baby so so much but I feel guilty that the life I’m giving them feels like it could fall through so easily and quickly. Like I’m failing them.

I keep trying to remind myself that childcare bills are only temporary, that I still have a good job and that if I can just get through the next 3 years or so I’m going to be in a really strong position for lots of reasons and we will all feel the benefits of that. (I will have paid off a big loan(which I had to take out to pay for a house lease extension, I’d have lost my home without it) mortgage will be smaller, the childcare element will have gone)

I’m low, I’m out of steam trying to stay positive and I feel like I’m just not doing well enough even though I’m educated, working and very savvy in the way of keeping on top of things.

I just needed to vent, thank you for reading if you got this far.

has anyone else had a period of time like this in their life where they came out on top again? I could really do with some positive stories if anyone would share?

I have 2xkids a similar age and do this with my neighbours garden too! 😂 They are both in their late 40s/early 50s sort of age though, work still but with grown up children so weekends can be spent doing their own thing including that!

I’m so sorry to read this OP; you must be exhausted. I’m sorry things are so hard.

I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel now- it does return! We had no money for 4 years: mat leave on statutory pay, then I had PND, a breakdown, a year off sick, then I went back to work, but we bought a house (very fortunate to do this) but it was more expensive than renting, plus 4 days a week nursery.

But life is getting better now: I’m recovered, back at work and we’ll stop paying so much for childcare when DS starts school in September. You will get there. And you will so glad you had your beautiful baby.

We didn’t have a holiday in 4 years and were hard up at times. I promise: it does end. Just concentrate on getting lots of rest and early nights for now. You will get there.

It is bloody tough. £40k in London with two kids is very hard.

On the holiday front. How about a staycation where you take a week off work and do fun adventures every day with the kids? Being in London there are so many things to do for free you could easily fill a week. I'm sure if you started a thread you'd get loads of recommendations for things you've not tried. I imagine your son would enjoy that quality time with you just as much as going away.

Or do you have family or friends anywhere you could visit for a change of scenery?

Or how about a house swap? There are some good sites out there and I imagine you'd have lots of offers being in London

Would it definitely work out more expensive to get rid of your car? I'm in London and have always found it better not to have a car given how good the public transport is. Although I guess it depends exactly where you are.