Shouldn’t have had second child - CoL

[Soakitup37]

I’m feeling pretty low today and am posting here for traffic and to frankly get “seen” before I have a breakdown. I feel useless right now.

I was divorcee with 1 child, shared care 50/50 very amicable. Son is 8 and well loved.

in 2021 I found myself pregnant from a fling which had done a runner the moment I told him I was pregnant. At 37 I was in the hard place to decide what to do - keep the baby or not. I decided I was in a good position work and financially to continue the pregnancy and was happy with my decision once I’d let the reality settle. It feels as though as soon as I was pregnant the CoL crisis hit hard. Every month would go by and I’d question if keeping the baby was right, every month reassuring myself I had this worked out. And I did, I ended up solo parenting and got to over 10 months on mat leave, before I had to return to work, keeping everything a float. But still the kicks keep coming.

I haven’t had a holiday since 2019 and my 8 yo is begging for us to go away just as much as I want to. I’ve been crunching numbers and trying to find money but every time I do another bill comes to bite me and I start again.

im also in the throws of childcare hell this month was £945 for a month, I do get the universal credit childcare element but the payment is upfront and reimbursed and I’m struggling to pay everything else in a month on top of that.

its spiralling and I can see pretty soon I’m gonna end up unable to pay for things. I’ve got a “good” salary (£40k a year) and get maintenance from my 8yo (nothing for the baby, even if cms went after the dad he’s got nothing to give anyway) I have a relatively secure job and work hard, I’m legally not allowed to take a second job at my place and frankly I don’t know where I’d find time after working full time all week and without childcare at the weekends to do this although I could try- and this would drain me further as a single parent.

I could sell my car but I think this would be false economy since I would pay a lot just to get around without it. It would be a short term
solution leaving me without money or a car.

I’ve just received another bill from my housing association for my place (I have a mortgage they are the owners) for a bill of £900 to pay by the end of this month. Who has that sort of money to pull out of nowhere in 30 days??!!

I feel so frustrated. I am a really good mum and my kids are happy loved and looked after with all their needs met but I’ve got both birthdays coming up and I’m basically having to write it off. 1yo is fine won’t notice won’t care. 8 will understand and I’ll get creative and he’ll think it’s a wicked birthday but the whole time im
treading water. I spend zero on myself, I’ve even taken to dieting to lose weight and rewear clothes I can’t fit into just to revive my wardrobe. I need new glasses desperately- my current ones are out of prescription and scratched up, (this an expensive complex prescription and I can’t just buy them online.) and cost me about £200 to replace.

my stomach drops when I go to the post box now, I’m just waiting for the next thing to suckerpunch me in the face. It feels so cruel to do everything right and still be on your knees.

I keep thinking again that I shouldn’t have kept the pregnancy. I LOVE my baby so so much but I feel guilty that the life I’m giving them feels like it could fall through so easily and quickly. Like I’m failing them.

I keep trying to remind myself that childcare bills are only temporary, that I still have a good job and that if I can just get through the next 3 years or so I’m going to be in a really strong position for lots of reasons and we will all feel the benefits of that. (I will have paid off a big loan(which I had to take out to pay for a house lease extension, I’d have lost my home without it) mortgage will be smaller, the childcare element will have gone)

I’m low, I’m out of steam trying to stay positive and I feel like I’m just not doing well enough even though I’m educated, working and very savvy in the way of keeping on top of things.

I just needed to vent, thank you for reading if you got this far.

has anyone else had a period of time like this in their life where they came out on top again? I could really do with some positive stories if anyone would share?

Could you increase the term of your mortgage or take a mortgage holiday to reduce current costs and increase payments once childcare reduces?

ASDA do ALL complex lenses in their £50 a pair frames - it's bloody amazing. Not sure how far away your nearest Asda opticians is though.

Can you ask CMS to track down the non-paying ex?

It sucks to be so worried about money

1 to 3 are the toughest financial years. There are 24 months, cross them off as you go. Then childcare goes down and your older one will be nearing secondary age.
It's a grind so figure out anything that will make it bearable. Is your older one in Cubs? Often they do trips which are subsidised or very reasonable.

I totally understand @Soakitup37 and am happy to give you a positive story if it will help.

About 14 years ago I was probably in a similar position to you. On my own with two children aged 6 and 2. In the middle of getting divorced from my ex-H who was going bankrupt after racking up horrific gambling debts. He left me with nearly £60K worth of debt and having to battle with the official receiver in order to keep the house and a roof over our heads. Things were very bleak at times. I was feeding the 3 of us on less than £10 a week and would frequently not eat so that the kids could. I also had a good, fulltime job but childcare was crippling. There was no money for holidays, days out or anything. It was a slog. But fast forward 14 years and my life is totally different.

After several promotions and pay rises I now earn over double what I did at that point. Childcare costs are a distant memory as my children are 20 and 16 and doing so well. The oldest is at university and youngest doing GCSE's. I have just celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary after marring an amazing man who is the complete opposite of my ex-H. He is a brilliant step dad to my children who adore him. I am secure and stable and those hard times are behind me.

You asked for some positive stories from people who had got through something similar so I hope this helps. I know it seems impossible at times but things will get better. Keep going OP. You're doing so well and you never know what's round the corner. Life will get better and you'll look back on these times with pride in yourself. My children understand the value of hard work and appreciate everything we have now in a way that I don't think they would if we hadn't gone through that. Sending strength and solidarity. You've got this. 💪💐

Have you downloaded Olio or TooGoodToGo apps? If you’re London based they tend to have some real food gems on there and it might even be a little luxury treat for yourself.

God I wish mn had a like (love) button, all these comments are doing me the world of good as I sit here sobbing through the support.

to answer a few questions;

cms haven’t tracked dad yet, the system doesn’t seem to be all that clever from what I can see.

ds1 dad does contribute towards him but this isn’t about him, I want to give my child things and experiences we share together not to give my ex all the glory. Not being able to kills me.

defo checked all I am “entitled” to, and I’ve put in a complaint to housing association, they aren’t getting the money this month I can’t give what I don’t have.

will try and look at fb etc for some hand me downs for the birthdays. I will make their cakes and try and pad it out with a trip to the park etc, I know I can fake that for them at least.

MoneySavingExpert is a good shout I’ve just rejoined for some moral support I know they are good I’ve joined before when I needed advice over 10 years ago so I’ll get that support.

my mother has sadly passed away so there’s that, my dad still around but works ft time still and cannot help either financially or with childcare. I wish he could, and so does he. I don’t have any money coming to me, no other assets to sell, no stocks or shares or anything.

its bloody hard living in a 2 salary world. As someone else said one of the most expensive parts of England /Europe no less!

I’m renewed again in the faith of getting though this with your kind words and support, will keep reading over the comments to help me get through the day.

Daughter of single mum here. I think she was heroic. There are many little things where I realise now how she was scrimping and saving, but at the time I just enjoyed my spaghetti with tinned tomato paste (for example). I felt well looked after and loved. Sounds like you'll manage that too.

Agree with PPs that well-off dad ought to pull his weight for the older kid and do the fancy things you can't afford. That said, it's a difficult conversation to have if he doesn't have the presence of mind to notice by himself that his child could do with some treats. I hope there's a good way to alert him to the need.

I became a single parent when DD was 4 and for several years we had holidays in caravan parks through The Sun holidays which cost under £100 for 4 nights. (Sometimes it is almost as cheap to book direct with the holiday park). We went to a small family park in Cornwall and had a great time.

I took my own food so no extra cost there and would eat out just one night. We went swimming every day, and the park also had activity clubs for different age groups through the day and a lovely play park. There was entertainment each evening for kids and adults. If money was low then sometimes I didn't leave the holiday park at all, but we had a great time as we were away from home and doing something different.

If you look at Premier Inn and Travelodge, you can often get some cheap deals there and the further in advance that you book generally the cheaper it is.

I sell all of our old clothes, unwanted toiletries, games, jewellery, makeup, books etc on vinted now and use the money to buy new things on vinted. (you can draw the money out to spend elsewhere).

@Soakitup37 if it helps, even though I can afford to go away I am not. I loathe to pay the high prices for hotels and flights right now. I haven't been away since covid to be honest. So don't worry too much about holidays. You will be able to go again soon. Could you not take the children and drive down to the beach as a day out holiday?

💐for you,this will get better.
If I told you of a single mum working full time whose small child was in hospital a long way from home and the mum lost her job due to being away with child and home came with job so they were trying to evict her as they said they didn't know if child would survive.yet she came through it by simply taking it hour by hour ,day by day.
And she turned her life around by not giving up.child pulled through.
Keep going,that's all you can do.

I think being a single parent in London with a preschool child was always going to be tough to be honest

I realise that at the moment you have nothing spare but if you can use any of the ideas here to be a few hundred quid better off next year, then you can book ridiculously cheap caravan holidays at haven or parkdean (we've had monday to friday for under £100 outside school hols). Take your own food, book free activities well in advance. If it might give you something to look forward to.

I've known people do online chat moderation for extra income in the evenings, might be worth looking at.

Op I hear you and see you. It sounds so tough but you have said it's temporary- you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

We had a period of being really skint and it luckily passed after about 2 years but I well remember all the issues with trying to balance at the end of the month.

What I would say is;
Speak to the HA about the £900. That's not doable in a month so ask for a payment plan.
Take any help offered. Whether it's childcare or food or anything take it. And reach out to friends and family so they can offer if they're in a position to do so.
You will get through this.

Holiday related suggestion OP - have you ever looked into house sitting? Free accomodation in exchange often for pet sitting. If you could find a coastal house sit (there is some out there!) the beach, a new park and a lovely pet for the kids to play with could be all the activities you need! Plus what you save on not using gas/electric at home is what you could spend on food shop.

If you're not already, get yourself registered with a top cashback site (giving you cashback on general day to day spending).

Also to echo other posters, get switching your bank accounts for the free cash switch incentives (in 3 years I'm up to £350!!) And make moneysavingexpert site your new best friend. They have some sensational tips, tricks and special links.

I have an 11 month old and older child. My partner and I both work full time and pay a similar bill for childcare. We can't afford a holiday either and yes the guilt hits hard but honestly In todays current state of the world, it's not that big a deal.
You will get the free hours soon enough but right now you are having to make sacrifices, which is hard.
I understand how hard it is being a single parent as I've been there and i solo parent as my partner works away and working full time with two kids is bloody hard. Please make sure you go easy on yourself.

Don't compare your life to others. I compare my garden to my neighbours who's is stunning then remember they are both retired, have all the time in the world to do it and they don't have a whopping childcare bill to pay for so can invest in it.
It's hard to see others living the life you want but just because your not in your best life era doesn't mean it won't come eventually.
Having kids is about sacrifices and it's hard work, but don't lose sight of how special being a mum is, they love you and need you....your doing amazing.

Things are tough for you right now but keep reminding yourself you will be in a good position in a couple of years when your 1 year old gets mandatory hours and your loan is repaid. Don't question your decision because you know you can't change it and now you have your 1 year old you wouldn't be without your baby. It's ok to get frustrated we all do at times. You work hard then bill after bill, hits you. Your 1 year old won't even know it's their birthday so focus on your 8 year old just get baby a card and cake and a cheap little gift. Don't fall into the trap of overspending at Xmas. You are doing brilliantly just keep your head down and carry on. 2 years will fly by.

Is your mortgage a shared mortgage? Do you pay rent on the part you don’t own- if so this can be added to your universal credit claim. Do you have both children on your Uc claim?

the first thing I would do is look at ways to maximise my income- make sure I’m getting all benefits entitled to.
reviewing subscriptions and speaking to my broadband and mobile phone providers to see if I can reduce costs.sell on Vinted or other sites to get some extra money

then I’d be looking at how I could improve my cash flow-
the upfront childcare costs and waiting to get these back from UC is hard - do you have access to a credit card where you can pay the fees from and then pay back in full each month once your Uc comes in?

then I would be looking at any unsecured debts- can you reduce payments (might not be ideal if you need a new mortgage rate soon etc)

I think soon you will be able to claim childcare costs upfront - and the free hours kick in from April- so next April things will start improving

I'm in your boat and it's not your second child it's the COL.
It's horrible for single parents (and for everyone) relying on 1 income in this climate.
You are soo great try not let things get you down. The childcare bill will soon pass and it will be far less which helps so much.

Is child maintenance an option? Just because the babies father did a runner doesn't mean he gets to avoid all responsibility.

You are not alone I have not had holiday in 10 years since I had first do gingerbread do holidays ?

Can you get together with others and go camping, house swapping?

Your housing can't land a huge bill like that they must accept part payments

Op Do NOT claim tax free childcare it will cancel your UC claim.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Re the glasses- I also have a complex prescription and I get my glasses from Asda optician. They do not charge extra for lenses for high and/or complex prescriptions and if you are on UC you may be entitled to a voucher, plus a complex lens voucher, which could help you replace your glasses at much much less than £200 (I got my last pair of varifocals for £45 and that was because I went for a designer frame)

My kids are 11 and 12 now, wash dress themselves, walk to school.. it’s getting easier..,trust your kids too to grow and mature.. thank God they have you as their mom.. you’re clearly doing an amazing job..

You sound like you are doing a great job.

It will get easier as you know. In the meantime, try not to miss out on those special years worrying so much. I did that and regret the worrying as I can’t get those times back.

Our income is around this and we get U/C every month....our childcare costs are about £400 and we usually get £200-300 of that reimbursed.
We rent privately.