To be devastated?

[CryingMamma]

I'm a single Mum. I raised my son with special needs by myself. Never a penny or a hand off his Father. We've always been two peas in a pod.

He's had loads of challenges thrown his way. Illnesses. Severe depression. Autism. I've fought tooth and nail for the best for him his whole life. I've always been his biggest cheerleader.

I never really went out or put myself first. I was a devoted Mum. I even gave him the master bedroom in our house. He is my favourite person and I'm very attached, maybe too much I admit, because it was always just us.

I read every book, saw every doctor, ran my whole life around being the best parent and struggled for years to support us. Which was hard.

I started my own business just after he was born so I could provide but also be home every day and for school holidays. It was hard, but I ended up providing him with a great life where he wanted for nothing.

I got covid in 2020 and was very ill (thought I might not live) and was left with long covid. At the same time my hospitality business was hampered by lockdowns and I was one of the "excluded" so my income dropped by 80% in 2020 and 2021.

In 2022 I could no longer afford the flat I was renting, so I clung on as long as I possibly could but lost the flat just before my son went off to university.

When my son left for university, I moved in with my partner to his 1 bedroom flat. Temporarily. With the idea being we would get a bigger place all together.

I've been trying desperately ever since to get a new home and get life back on track, but life keeps kicking me.

I went out of business. I've got severe depression. I struggle with long covid. My partner has very serious health problems. My son has also had similar. I feel like I've spent the last eight months just racing back and forth across the country to look after others.

We weren't able to move into a bigger place yet. Partly because my partner has had serious health problems. Partly because everywhere is so expensive and I'm struggling.

Basically every penny I've had has been given to my son. Travel to see him. Hotels to stay near him. Private counselling when he felt bad. Hundreds each month towards living costs. I even paid for his girlfriends travel and so on. Basically just always trying to make him happy and make his life as nice as possible.

When he's struggled, I've spoken to student services or doctors or found counsellors. He struggled academically and I supported him every way possible. Googling, advice, advocating.

Anyway, he was due home from uni on 28th June so the plan was we'd have moved into a bigger place by then. But he got sick and ended up coming home mid April before we were prepared. So three of us in a very tiny 1 bed flat.

That lasted a couple of weeks, with us frantically trying to find a bigger house a couple of months earlier than we'd known was needed. I was at my wits end: sick partner, sick son, tiny flat and then I caught pneumonia and was very ill.

In the middle of that, I had to go (with pneumonia) across the country because my son had to vacate his halls of residence. So off I went with pneumonia, helped him pack, organised storage etc all whilst sleeping on the floor and eating pot noodles.

And in the midst of this had a horrible row with my son.

Basically, I was frantically trying to sort the housing situation but my son said because I'd "made him homeless" and was "too clingy" he wasn't spending summer with me and that he was an independent "adult" and told me his friends parents gave them stable homes and I didn't.

I was exhausted, sick, seriously depressed and so badly hurt that I shouted at him and told him we were a family and families lived together and as long as I financially supported him that he had to live with me in holidays. He said he'd grown up, fled the nest and would look after himself.

He decided to go and live with his girlfriend and said when I get a house sorted, they "might visit". I feel devasted in a way I can't really articulate.

Without my knowledge, he spoke to my wealthy, childless, brother. Who I'm not close t lives overseas, and who's always been judgemental. One comment I remember shortly after my son was born was "wow, you were the prettiest girl in school and look at you now - single Mum and you got fat".

Anyway, my brother got told I had money problems and health problems and he told my son he'd support him. He's giving him £1000 a month. He's also swooped in and taken over being a parent. He's sorted an issue I'd been trying to sort for months snd been hailed a hero.

I sent a message to my mother saying he was "on top of it now" and listing my son's problems he was dealing with (problems I was ALREADY completely on top of!!!) and now he's acting like I'm a deadbeat or useless.

My son needs to sort an academic problem and I said we'd do it together. He said he'd rather his uncle because he's good at it and being around me "makes him feel bad". He said I was in a bad place mentally and financially and to sort myself out.

My Mum is telling me I've no reason to be upset because I'm being "helped". So why does it feel like my horrible, judge, twat brother who's not ever so much as babysat my son had bought my kid for £1000?

I just feel completely devastated.

In the nicest way possible I think you do need to cut the apron strings, sometimes we can do 'too much' for our children and they take it for granted, it can be good for them to lose what they took for granted.

Your DB will soon tire of being the responsible adult, paying for your ds and having to do the 'life admin' for him.

In your shoes op, I'd step back, tell your ds he's right, he does need to stand on his own two feet now he's an adult, and that, if he needs you, you'll always be there for him. But now use this time to look after yourself, get better, find suitable house but with yourself in mind, not just your ds, find employment etc.

Moving a grown adult whilst suffering from pneumonia is batshit, he was more than capable of doing it himself.

You and your son have an unhealthy co dependent dynamic. On the one hand he is claiming to be an 'independent adult" and on the other he is asking for help moving house and money/help. You need to take a step back, work on yourself, your life and your happiness and then welcome him to your home as a guest, and form a new relationship built on mutual love and respect.

Take this for what it is. At the end of of the day your son is getting help and you can concentrate on you.

He's not standing on his own feet. He's replacing me with my brother who's had almost no involvement in his life.

It's not healthy how you are treating your son. It sounds intense and smothering. You need to work on yourself, and let your son make his own choices.

Your son has grown up. If you’re struggling he’s sought help from family that means he’s not burdening you. If you’ve done your job right he should be independent of you and making his own choices whether you like them or not.

but reframe it, he’s not leaving you, he’s giving you space to focus on yourself. Now he’s an adult I’m afraid you don’t get to choose who he gets support from. I’d be grateful to my brother that he was able to assist. It doesn’t take away from the job you’ve done as parent.

I know it feels hard, but try and let him go and be supportive. (Although I would be slightly co cernes about what happens when his uncles gets fed up of giving him money!!)

You sound smothering. Your relationship with your son doesn’t sound healthy. Let him find his own way and you focus on yourself, your own health & interests. A bit of space will do you both good.

He's not standing on his own feet. He's replacing me with my brother who's had almost no involvement in his life.

Then it's not a bad thing that he's finally helping out. Your brother will eventually stop giving the hand outs but meanwhile your DS is getting a helping hand and you can concentrate on your own life and health.

In the nicest possible way, it does sound as if you’ve been martyring yourself to your ds all this time and now that he’s grown up you’re finding it difficult to cope.

You say you’ve done everything for him, yet his disabilities are presumably not that difficult if he’s been able to go to uni. And when he says jump you say how high, even though he’s off at uni.

I suspect there’s an element of his finding an element of independence where you’re not always there and he’s with his friends, but he’s had it so good for so long that he still thinks he should be able to run back to you and you’ll give him money and run around the country after him.

He’s an adult. If you should be pulling back slightly and cutting the apron strings anyway. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and while he’s being subsidised by your brother financially your brother isn’t likely going to run around the country after his every whim.

I think it's good he is taking some space. He will be ok. He needs some independence from you. You might see it as him replacing you, but him getting support from someone else is healthy. You can't be his everything.

In the nicest possible way. You are projecting your issues into your son. He's an adult now

He's finding his own solution to his problems. You have enabled him to think for himself as he's growing up. And now he's doing just that.

He's living his own life the best he can he's right to do that.

You are overinvested in him. It's time for him to make his own way in the world.

It is tough to be around someone with health issues. He's right ...

Posted to soon… use this as an opportunity to save some money - the money you would have given to him.

If your brother wants to give him a grand a month let him crack on. And when he gets bored of doing that tell your son that he needs to grow up and get a job if he wants money.

Your relationship with your son is very unhealthy, for both of you. You have to let him navigate his own world, op. You are absolutely suffocating him.

Its understandable you feel devastated so allow yourself to feel it but don’t express it to him. It’s healthy really he’s seeking independence from you, albeit via uncle and girlfriend but he’ll figure it out and make his own mistakes.
It’s a selfish age and i’m sure one day he’ll look back and appreciate your relationship/what you’ve provided. Now is not that time. As PP’s said use this to re-focus on what you and your partner need. you’ve had such an awful few years I really hope things start to improve.

He sounds like an ungrateful little shit to be honest. You need to focus on your own life and welfare now. Leave him to it...he's an adult, let him adult.

@CryingMamma your username illustrates the core problem. Your suffering, and how all this is about you, what you've suffered, what you've sacrificed, how you sat on the floor eating pot noodles to help him, how your health is bad, how you did everything. I don't mean this in a bad way as I am sure you were wonderful so many times, and I salute you for that. But it's all part of being a parent, isn't it?

Your post seems to push a belief that now he has to pay you back, by sitting in a small flat all summer with you being constantly ill, struggling with bills, a new partner he doesn't know. He's 18 now, though, he has a life to live, he's flying the nest! He absolutely shouldn't have to stay with you. In fact the distance will be good for you both. Your life does sound very hectic and unsettling tbh.

Your brother might be a judgemental bastard which is horrible and that's on him. But he is really, really helping your son and that's amazing. That's not him replacing you as a parent. That's an uncle stepping up when he needs to, and that's great.

I think this might all be rooted in you feeling frightened that your losing your bond with your son, which is I am sure a common fear when kids grow up. But you WILL lose that bond if you suffocate him, and resent people who are helping him. I'd relax on the pushing him to live with you, concentrate on getting yourself in a better, calmer place, and then your relationship will naturally get stronger again.

It's not unusual for a college kid to not want to live at home for the Summer. I went working abroad and l am in my 60s.
My dc travelled and took jobs in university city etc so this is just part of older teen years. Let him off but keep a wide open door for him and keep in touch in a friendly non overpowering way. This is a time of change. It would be more worrying if he wanted to live with you forever.
And let his uncle help him. He needs a wider family. And you do need help. Maybe thank your brother and instead of being suspicious of him think:: at last someone is taking some of the burden.
You have done a good job. Take this time to chill and get on your feet.

It's a selfish age and if he's autistic, he's probably also a little less emotionally developed than his peers, This may be a slightly late but "healthy" and necessary time of him rebelling and becoming less dependent on you.

Honestly the best thing you can do is encourage him and develop your own life a bit more, continue being loving and supportive of course but back off.

It's annoying I'm sure seeing others seem to play super-parent, but in time this dynamic will probably fade or change. If it doesn't then the positive way to look at it is that he has some other supportive family members around.

Give him some time and take the time yourself to heal and focus on mending things in your world

Leave them to it, he will come running back I'm sure. Take some time for you and your partner.

Your son sounds awfully ungrateful and uncaring towards you. I'd distance myself based on that alone. He needs to apologise and start acting like a decent person, before throwing demands of you to magic up a house. What a spoilt brat.

The rest about him being "grown up" and shifting his problems to his uncle - I suspect soon will fall apart anyway, once the novelty for your brother wears off and once he's done showing you up. Bet your DB enjoys fixing things, whilst making you look incompetent and incapable.

I think you're missing the point. You need to step back and allow your son to be an adult. Yes, your brother is 'taking over', but as others have said, he's not going to want to support your DS for the rest of his life. He'll get tired of it, especially if or when he has DC of his own to support. When that happens your DS will have to, as they said, 'shit or get off the pot'.

I know it's not easy to let go. I 'smother mothered' my younger son until he, himself, told me to 'back off'. He did it in a nice way, of course, but he was right and I was actually impeding his independence. My 'caring' was actually putting a weight on him because he felt he needed to do what I said instead of finding his own way. I was stifling him. Your son has used hurtful words, it's true. But maybe that was the only way he could 'break away' from you doing too much and his dependence on that.

Give it time and give him space. Keep your resentment to yourself and work on ridding yourself of it. Once the dust has settled you and your DS will be able to form a better, more 'independent' relationship.

I agree with this.

You can't force help on him now he's an adult, and you can't force him to live with you.

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. But it sounds like you're pushing your son away by being so involved.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds very hard.

Currently, you’re forcing yourself on him - at least that’s how he’s perceiving it. You can continue to force yourself on him, but it won’t bring him closer, it will only push him further and further away.

I think you have to find a bit of inner strength, and figure out a way to step back, give him some space - give him what he thinks he wants.

You know you will always be there for him. But you also must know that as he becomes an adult, he needs to move away and be his own independent person (his uncle is a means to and ends towards this). You knew this day had to come, sooner or later.

It inevitably feels much worse because of all that’s been going on, but also because of the co-dependent, intense ‘you and him against the world’ dynamic you’ve set up.

We all love our DC and would do anything for them. But as parents we also know that we’re raising them to ultimately go off and be their own person.

If you continue to force yourself on him, and stop him from being his own person, and/or guilt him into staying with you, you’re going to do a lot more harm to the relationship than if you let him go with good grace.

He’s young and he needs to do this. But if you handle this well, you’ll come out the other side, and go on to have a normal, loving adult relationship with him.

It will look different from the old relationship, but that’s OK. It has to be, because the alternative is no relationship at all.

The stuff with the brother is unfortunate but, basically, your son is right. He's an adult now, and has to live independently. No young man wants a parent who smothers, indulges and relies on him for their own happiness. Time for you and your partner to make a life for just the two of you.

I get you are hurt. But remember that your brother can never replace you. You are his mum.

One thing I will say is that you need to let him go. Just like in relationships, having somebody be clingy towards you is always likely to have the opposite effect. The more you try on and hang on to your son, the more he will push back and find being with you draining and unappealing. Whether that’s fair or not.

Support him with a smile and let him enjoy life. Is he happy now? That’s what you need to value.

Teens can be ungrateful. But parenting is not transactional. My older teens have their off days too. I am firm with boundaries, show love but try not to smother them and whilst they do owe me a level of politeness and respect, they do not have to pay me back for all I have done for them.