To be devastated?

[CryingMamma]

I'm a single Mum. I raised my son with special needs by myself. Never a penny or a hand off his Father. We've always been two peas in a pod.

He's had loads of challenges thrown his way. Illnesses. Severe depression. Autism. I've fought tooth and nail for the best for him his whole life. I've always been his biggest cheerleader.

I never really went out or put myself first. I was a devoted Mum. I even gave him the master bedroom in our house. He is my favourite person and I'm very attached, maybe too much I admit, because it was always just us.

I read every book, saw every doctor, ran my whole life around being the best parent and struggled for years to support us. Which was hard.

I started my own business just after he was born so I could provide but also be home every day and for school holidays. It was hard, but I ended up providing him with a great life where he wanted for nothing.

I got covid in 2020 and was very ill (thought I might not live) and was left with long covid. At the same time my hospitality business was hampered by lockdowns and I was one of the "excluded" so my income dropped by 80% in 2020 and 2021.

In 2022 I could no longer afford the flat I was renting, so I clung on as long as I possibly could but lost the flat just before my son went off to university.

When my son left for university, I moved in with my partner to his 1 bedroom flat. Temporarily. With the idea being we would get a bigger place all together.

I've been trying desperately ever since to get a new home and get life back on track, but life keeps kicking me.

I went out of business. I've got severe depression. I struggle with long covid. My partner has very serious health problems. My son has also had similar. I feel like I've spent the last eight months just racing back and forth across the country to look after others.

We weren't able to move into a bigger place yet. Partly because my partner has had serious health problems. Partly because everywhere is so expensive and I'm struggling.

Basically every penny I've had has been given to my son. Travel to see him. Hotels to stay near him. Private counselling when he felt bad. Hundreds each month towards living costs. I even paid for his girlfriends travel and so on. Basically just always trying to make him happy and make his life as nice as possible.

When he's struggled, I've spoken to student services or doctors or found counsellors. He struggled academically and I supported him every way possible. Googling, advice, advocating.

Anyway, he was due home from uni on 28th June so the plan was we'd have moved into a bigger place by then. But he got sick and ended up coming home mid April before we were prepared. So three of us in a very tiny 1 bed flat.

That lasted a couple of weeks, with us frantically trying to find a bigger house a couple of months earlier than we'd known was needed. I was at my wits end: sick partner, sick son, tiny flat and then I caught pneumonia and was very ill.

In the middle of that, I had to go (with pneumonia) across the country because my son had to vacate his halls of residence. So off I went with pneumonia, helped him pack, organised storage etc all whilst sleeping on the floor and eating pot noodles.

And in the midst of this had a horrible row with my son.

Basically, I was frantically trying to sort the housing situation but my son said because I'd "made him homeless" and was "too clingy" he wasn't spending summer with me and that he was an independent "adult" and told me his friends parents gave them stable homes and I didn't.

I was exhausted, sick, seriously depressed and so badly hurt that I shouted at him and told him we were a family and families lived together and as long as I financially supported him that he had to live with me in holidays. He said he'd grown up, fled the nest and would look after himself.

He decided to go and live with his girlfriend and said when I get a house sorted, they "might visit". I feel devasted in a way I can't really articulate.

Without my knowledge, he spoke to my wealthy, childless, brother. Who I'm not close t lives overseas, and who's always been judgemental. One comment I remember shortly after my son was born was "wow, you were the prettiest girl in school and look at you now - single Mum and you got fat".

Anyway, my brother got told I had money problems and health problems and he told my son he'd support him. He's giving him £1000 a month. He's also swooped in and taken over being a parent. He's sorted an issue I'd been trying to sort for months snd been hailed a hero.

I sent a message to my mother saying he was "on top of it now" and listing my son's problems he was dealing with (problems I was ALREADY completely on top of!!!) and now he's acting like I'm a deadbeat or useless.

My son needs to sort an academic problem and I said we'd do it together. He said he'd rather his uncle because he's good at it and being around me "makes him feel bad". He said I was in a bad place mentally and financially and to sort myself out.

My Mum is telling me I've no reason to be upset because I'm being "helped". So why does it feel like my horrible, judge, twat brother who's not ever so much as babysat my son had bought my kid for £1000?

I just feel completely devastated.

I think you need to use this time to focus on yourself: your mental health and finances. If they are in a bad position, you will bring your son down. He's your son but he is also your brothers nephew and if he is happy to help, let him! It doesn't replace you at all and your son needs the help and if he doesn't have a dad on his life, having that male figure is priceless. If you're in a one bed, it's unreasonable to expect your son to live there over the holidays.

This is a blessing in disguise. Cut the apron strings and build yourself up again with one less thing to worry about and and one less expense!

Sorry, but I think you have spoilt your son a bit by not teaching him to stand on his own two feet.

Whatever you do, do not place the burden of your happiness on your son’s shoulders. That is emotionally manipulative and he will never forgive or forget that if you keep this up.

Your happiness is your responsibility. Forge a better life for yourself and let him get on with his life. Guilt-free.

You should congratulate yourself that you have raised a son who is independent and wants to fly the nest.

Be happy for him and please let him go and hide your pain. I cannot emphasise enough that it is not his job now to make you happy.

Well thanks for all the replies. Taken on board.

I think I feel enormous grief. Not because he grew up, flew the nest and became happy and independent. I love him. That's what I want.

But because I feel cheated. I feel like seeing him off to university should have been happy. Having his bedroom there for him to come back to in holidays. Like most Mums.

Instead I had to lose my home and my son being there on the same day and his holidays have been spent at grandparents or with his girlfriends.

I feel cheated out of something I can never get back. I feel like I've lost something precious and now my brother has taken over, making me look incompetent and unreliable.

I understood he'd always flee the nest. I just didn't spend 18 years working myself into the ground for it to be like this.

And I'm sorry for the self pity. I know many people have lost terrible things in the pandemic.

OP you've had a rotten few years. But you're right, you have fought and worked and done everything you can to support your son. I understand why it must be harder for you than for many to let him make steps towards living his own life - he still (presumably) finds things tougher than others due to his autism, his struggles with depression, it was the 2 of you together against the world.

But you've done the fighting and the raising and the upbringing. Now he has others he can lean on too. It's not just the 2 of you. He has his girlfriend and your brother is finally stepping up too. Yes it sucks that he's swanning in and taking the credit. But if it helps your son, then welcome it. He can have his relationship with his uncle separate to yours with your brother.

And let it take the pressure off you trying to find the bigger place while you and your partner are ill.

Let your son know you're there, will always be there, will always have a place for him to stay (even if that's a sofa) but let him stand on his own feet when he wants to (even if you see it as your brother propping him up). He'll come back, grow up, see what you've done for him. Your brother's doing a bit of a Disney dad role, but as kids grow up they see this.

I agree with pp's that travelling to clear his halls for him while you had pneumonia wasn't sensible. He's made it to uni, he has friends and a girlfriend, he could have done that himself, even if it was finding somewhere to store his things over the holidays. He's not 13. Be his backstop when he needs one.

You know your brother can see you aren't well and is helping you out too with your son?

I think you need a doctor appointment

I am going to go against the majority here and say you are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel the way you feel. It must feel like you're being discarded in favour of a richer person who has never given a fig for your DS. He is young and tactless. When I remember some of the things I said to my single mum when I was a young adult, I cringe.
However. You have an opportunity here! As pps have said, it's time to look after yourself now. Time to become happier and healthier-best of luck to you.

Why are you doing everything for him? Why are you sorting everything for him? Why are you constantly visiting at uni? You sound very very involved.
your brother is not stealing your son? Why aren’t you happy that he is helping your son?

OP this isn’t the culmination of motherhood. This is just one little step along the way.

You and your son have built deep deep roots. The majority of your lives will be with both of you as adults - this is just one step along the road, and yes it’s sad that it isn’t the ideal set up of him coming back to your lovely house in the holidays etc but you have had a really dreadful time over the past few years and you are still FIGHTING and recovering and building, and it takes time.

18 year olds are famously a bit self absorbed and yes it’s infuriating that your brother is suddenly mr magic fixit but hey, he is helping, and it’s nice from your son’s perspective. Take the help, bite your tongue and look after yourself. Build yourself up and don’t panic about the relationship with your son. It goes soooo deep. It’ll still be there. You have years and years ahead and start thinking about how you’ll both adjust to that relationship with you both as adults. That’s the next stage.

I know its easy for me to say this but don't be upset. I bought up my son alone and we were very close but after uni he really kicked off, refused to come home and started hanging out with his deadbeat father who didn't pay a penny for him or see him at all when he was growing up.
At one point I didn't even know where he was for a year.
He just wanted to be independent but was as yet still too young to know how communicate this properly.
I just let him get on with it. A couple of years later and we were as close as ever. Not surprisingly his father totally let him down.
It's a rite of passage they must go through.
Take this opportunity to sort out your own problems and let him get on with it.

This. Acting like a martyr is not going to impress your son. If you were so ill you couldn't help him you should have told him that. And moving in with your partner to a smaller flat when you want your son to come home for a long summer holiday seems ill advised.

It’s this thought process:

I feel cheated out of something I can never get back. I feel like I've lost something precious and now my brother has taken over, making me look incompetent and unreliable.

I understood he'd always flee the nest. I just didn't spend 18 years working myself into the ground for it to be like this.

Lets make this clear - your son owes you nothing. He didn’t ask to be born to you, you chose to have him.
your love and what you did SHOULD be unconditional.

Whereas you are smothering him and making out like he owes you, because you brought him up??

the very fact that you stated he should live with you, ‘like other Uni kids do’ is ridiculous. Give your head a wobble before you lose your son.

Putting his autism aside ( may or may not be a factor ) young adults can be very self centred and selfish . Throw in a relative giving him a grand a month and of course he's going to keep that person on his side.
tell your son you will always have his back and you are glad he's finding his feet ( even though you know it's not because of anything he's doing independent ) and remind him you are only a call away .
Then learn to live your life for yourself.

Let him go - he needs to grow up and he's doing it. You sound aggrieved that he's grateful for the help he's getting from your brother. You sound angry that someone else is helping. Why not focus on your own health now that you've got a much needed breathing space?

It's not a bad thing your brother is helping financially. Use the opportunity to focus your finances on your own security. Your brother might tire of supporting your son in which case you'll be back to chasing your tail. If he doesn't, you'll be in a better position. Eventually your son will grow up, pay his own bills and wonder how the hell you managed to keep everyone else afloat (or at least that's how I feel about my own parents).

I think I remember a previous post from you OP, and I agree with the others. Let him start to have some independence, uni is the perfect time to start that transition into indecent life.

I would also review how much money you can afford to give him. Most uni students don’t need hundreds a month plus all that paid for them and their girlfriend. It doesn’t sound like you can afford it.

I shouted at him and told him we were a family and families lived together and as long as I financially supported him that he had to live with me in holidays.

WHAT?!? That's beyond crazy. Leave your son be and sort yourself out. These are not normal things to say to an 18-year-old.

Let him go.

Also, you should have no involvement in his academic career. He's an adult. It's embarrassing.

Than you. Yes, it feels like this :(

Also people saying i shouldn't have gone to help my son move...as I mentioned, he'd come "home" early due to being sick with anxiety from exams. He's autistic. Moving / change is almost trauma for him and he couldn't cope.

Just because he's at university it doesn't mean his autism was a small thing. Lots of things are extremely challenging and he needs extra help. Asking friends for help wouldn't be possible for him. He gets into a panic.

Not long ago he got on a wrong train three times AND lost his luggage because travelling is so overwhelming. So if I seem clingy, that's probably true, but he's always needed me more.

I'm a lecturer - stop doing anything at all with your son's academic problems. He needs to sort those himself. You're doing no favours by wading in. He's an adult, the university will treat him like an adult, and if he's missed deadlines or requirements, or needs to apply for extenuation because he's been ill, his personal tutor can help him navigate that.

You sound like a very loving and caring mum, but you have to put yourself at least first equal. If you can't save up for a flat deposit and give him £100s a month, he gets less for a bit.

I do think you were wrong to tie support to him living with you during summer, especially when you've got so little space. You're absolutely reasonable not to provide any extra support, but he's an adult and can choose where he lives if he can pay for it from his usual allowance.

It must be awful to feel like you've been pushed aside for a richer relative. But I think your son has been taking the piss a bit, and I think he'll probably soon start to do the same with your brother - and he probably won't be such a soft touch. Which is to say, keep in casual contact, think about what boundaries you want to set going forward, and enjoy having a bit more money, until he comes back with his tail between his legs.

OP please, stop. He owes you absolutely nothing. Don't push him further away with your jealousy- which is what I think it is.

Give him space to grow into adulthood and he will have a great relationship with you.
Act the martyr and you won't. You'll lose him.

He didn't ask to be born. You parented as you should of course. As I said earlier, he owes you nothing at all.

You should be glad. Looks like you invested way too much into your relationship with your son - and I understand, he's your child and he's got special needs but is there any chance he needed some breathing space as he saw you as overbearing? Sure, he needs some help so he found it from someone who's well away and is still a relative. You also say that your partner is having some serious health issues. Is there a chance you love the position of a carer of someone who's potentially weaker than you?

My son is autistic, with mental health and physical health problems as I said. Of course I go there when he's struggling. Independent living has been extremely hard to adjust to.

Thank you. This makes me feel a lot better. I feel dumped for someone with more money, but this makes me feel like it might not be lost.

Thank you. I think I have felt like it was the culmination and I'd missed his wedding day or something I'd always looked forward to.