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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Dh and job

75 replies

conniecornetto · 30/05/2023 14:07

I'll start by saying I know this is the scenario a lot of mums find themselves in but just wanted perspective.

I work 28 hours a week. Dh works 37 and earns roughly 3 x more than me. We both work from home. I have a dc from a previous relationship and we have a toddler together.

Working from home has been good because although I do the vast majority of childcare, school runs and so on, it's really handy having him here to pitch in and stay with baby while I dash out to get the older dc and things like that. Especially since we have no relatives or any other help (aside from nursery and school).

He's had a falling out with someone from work and is basically talking about applying for another job which is an hours commute away and office based. It's more money by about 15-20k.

I'm trying to be supportive but I'm kind of gutted that if he gets it I will no longer have his help and support at home. Hell be out pretty much all day everyday and it will be a struggle for me. Yes many other women have to juggle but I suppose when you've been used to having the help at home it's a shock to the system.

It also the attitude that he can do what he wants, apply for any job and totally change his lifestyle without really having to think about it whereas I have to consider the kids in any decision I make. I had hoped to look for a better paid, more fulfilling job once dd is a bit older but without him around it will be much harder. He talks about his ambitions and desire to do well, but what about mine? I don't want to put him off or appear unsupportive especially because it's him who covers the majority of our household costs due to his wage.

I know I'm probably being a bit unreasonable but I just think he has a cushty arrangement right now and due to a silly fall out and a bit of male ego he's going to change all our routines. Willing to be told I'm out of order but does anyone else just think 'what about me' sometimes...

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 30/05/2023 14:09

does anyone else just think 'what about me' sometimes

he’s your husband, so talk to him about this and tell him how hard the arrangement would be on you

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/05/2023 14:10

Well can you not suggest he looks for a part time job and you do the full time role?

Ijustneedtime · 30/05/2023 14:11

I would say that "talking about applying to a job" is very different from actually accepting a job without considering your needs!

When i was looking for a new job i sent multiple applications for various jobs tipe (remote, hybrid, on site, far away, close by, more hours, less hours and so on).

The final decision was taken together.

C1N1C · 30/05/2023 14:13

Can the extra money not be used to help out? Babysitter, cleaner, food deliveries etc? Win for both that way...

3luckystars · 30/05/2023 14:13

This is just my opinion and could be completely wrong but:
Most women I know just hold on to their jobs during this time to continue working so they have a career at some point in the future. Most mothers I know are barely breaking even (money wise) with young children and really struggle with the ‘juggling’ at this age. It’s a tough time.

you have been pretty lucky up until now that ye could tag team with each other at home but what he is suggesting is what most families are dealing with all the time. If he is going to get paid more, could some paid childcare be an option for you now?

Regarding your career plans being put on hold, yes it’s hard but it’s not forever.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 30/05/2023 14:13

he has a cushty arrangement right now and due to a silly fall out and a bit of male ego he's going to change all our routines.

And another £15-20k a year!

How old are your kids?

DappledOliveGroves · 30/05/2023 14:14

Could you not go back full-time yourself, or at least use any additional income that he earns in a new job to have a bit more childcare for the toddler?

ContinuousProcrastination · 30/05/2023 14:15

Its a big pay increase. How much is it relative to your current household income.

Tbh, having two people wfh full time is exceptionally lucky. Was it something that came about due to covid? If so i think you couldnt assume it would be forever.

Is hybrid working an option? Most employers can't Get away with expecting computer based office staff in person 5 days a week any more - 3 is the norm. Would that be a more reasonable compromise?

He does also need to see that wohm doesn't free him off all family responsibilities. He still needs to do his share of days off with sick kids, childcare drop offs and pick ups etc, and if you want to find a more fulfilling or better paid job, he should be stepping up to ensure you can. Plenty of families have two earners both in good jobs, its why after school clubs/childcare etc exist.

pennypingletonpenny · 30/05/2023 14:16

3luckystars · 30/05/2023 14:13

This is just my opinion and could be completely wrong but:
Most women I know just hold on to their jobs during this time to continue working so they have a career at some point in the future. Most mothers I know are barely breaking even (money wise) with young children and really struggle with the ‘juggling’ at this age. It’s a tough time.

you have been pretty lucky up until now that ye could tag team with each other at home but what he is suggesting is what most families are dealing with all the time. If he is going to get paid more, could some paid childcare be an option for you now?

Regarding your career plans being put on hold, yes it’s hard but it’s not forever.

You don’t mention fathers at all in any of this. Is your view that it’s all the mother’s responsibility and fathers shouldn’t be expected to bear any of the load? Because if so that’s quite depressing.

ContinuousProcrastination · 30/05/2023 14:17

But also - where is older DC dad in all this because that's who should be helping out with them.

Lkgcsr · 30/05/2023 14:18

If he’s doing something that will effect you and your family then he should talk to you. My DH is talking about changing jobs and he asked me what I thought and if I thought we could make it work.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2023 14:18

I think YABU. His extra salary can pick up the slack, cleaner etc. and he’ll be happier at work. Both of you win.

Createausername1970 · 30/05/2023 14:18

I absolutely do think "what about me" sometimes. In fact I exploded along the same lines this morning. I said even the dog gets more consideration that I do!

However, this is your thread not mine!!

If he could be contributing another £15K into the pot, then it should - even allowing for his increased travel costs - possibly allow a bit towards additional help around the house for you? Maybe a home help who would come to coincide with the school run and mind the younger one? Or a cleaner for a few hours to take that load off you? Or an ironing service.

But you do need to talk to him to and put your feelings across and work out a solution.

AP5Diva · 30/05/2023 14:19

Talk to your DH not just about him and him applying for new jobs and his career, but you and your career and you applying for new jobs. You don’t need or have to put your career on hold nor does he. You both have to communicate with each other on this and ask for what you want. He’s not free to just do what he wants without considering the kids and you, and the fact he’s letting you know he is “thinking about applying” for a new job is him bringing you into that discussion. Now is the time to put your heads together and draw lines like jobs that are more than a 30min commute away are too far, jobs that require weekend work are a no, jobs that have 100days of travel a year also no, jobs that are 50yrs a week..and so on. This should apply equally to both tof you and the two of you need to support each other to your career goals and jointly work out child care arrangements and school runs.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2023 14:19

I think a discussion about how the hour commute will impact the family day, level of tiredness etc. You can have the better job - agree his pay rise will pay for childcare?

redskylight · 30/05/2023 14:19

If you want to progress your career, then find your own full time job and put your children in full time childcare.

I honestly don't think this job would be a huge deal. It sounds like your children are in childcare during the day anyway, so it's just the morning and after school to consider. If you make sure he keeps being helpful while he's at home, the only thing to change is that you have to e.g. take your toddler out with you when you pick up the younger one (and tbh I wouldn't leave a toddler with someone who is meant to be wfh anyway) i.e. something that most people with 2 chlidren would routinely do.

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 14:25

Unless you are applying for higher paid jobs yourself right now then YABU.

Many WFH jobs are coming to an end so this was a possibility even without the fall out.

He’ll be earning much more money which will greatly benefit you and the DCs.

Yes it will be an adjustment but I can’t see how much help he is at home if he’s working FT anyway and so it will mainly be the commute that’s different but you’ll probably find a bit of space is actually a nice thing.

Do you want to go back to work full time?
If so what is stopping you?

DollyTrolly · 30/05/2023 14:31

3luckystars · 30/05/2023 14:13

This is just my opinion and could be completely wrong but:
Most women I know just hold on to their jobs during this time to continue working so they have a career at some point in the future. Most mothers I know are barely breaking even (money wise) with young children and really struggle with the ‘juggling’ at this age. It’s a tough time.

you have been pretty lucky up until now that ye could tag team with each other at home but what he is suggesting is what most families are dealing with all the time. If he is going to get paid more, could some paid childcare be an option for you now?

Regarding your career plans being put on hold, yes it’s hard but it’s not forever.

Are you suggesting that women should be responsible for childcare and therefore sacrifice their careers to allow their husbands to work?

Original poster
conniecornetto · 30/05/2023 14:33

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 14:25

Unless you are applying for higher paid jobs yourself right now then YABU.

Many WFH jobs are coming to an end so this was a possibility even without the fall out.

He’ll be earning much more money which will greatly benefit you and the DCs.

Yes it will be an adjustment but I can’t see how much help he is at home if he’s working FT anyway and so it will mainly be the commute that’s different but you’ll probably find a bit of space is actually a nice thing.

Do you want to go back to work full time?
If so what is stopping you?

I'm not applying because with nursery runs and school runs and other obligations I just couldn't
Commit to full time hours right now. I've spent the last 9 years raising my older dd and am
Starting from scratch again with a little one - my choice of course I can't complain about that - but it hasn't left much time for training and my job is relatively low skilled compared to dh.

It's something I'd like to do eventually.

The extra income would help put dd in nursery for longer and the older dd will be going to secondary next year. I know it's not forever.

To be honest it's the general consensus that he can just to what he likes without having to consider the kids/family needs. Whereas any choice I make - career, social, whatever - always has to account for the dc.

OP posts:
Trickedbyadoughnut · 30/05/2023 14:39

I think I might be swimming a bit against the tide of a lot of the other responses, but to me YABU.

First, this kind of decision should be taken them jointly, even if I wouldn't expect my partner to stay in a job he hates, I'd expect discussion about it and not just to be told.

Then, it's all very well to say there's extra money for the household so you all benefit, but that is only going to work out if you stay together forever. Sadly that's not the majority's experience. And if you do not stay together, down the line, you'll still be struggling to catch up to the setback to your career while he'll be benefiting from the extra money and related lifestyle that you've facilitated ...

I agree with PP who say use the money for outsourcing some childcare and have a proper discussion about how to progress your career, not just his.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 30/05/2023 14:39

Here's the thing....
You don't HAVE to
You CHOSE to

You could equally look for more hours (27 hrs a week is considered full time BTW, anything over 16 is I believe) and turn around and tell him. But you chose not to...

Goodoccasionallypoor · 30/05/2023 14:40

To be honest it's the general consensus that he can just to what he likes without having to consider the kids/family needs. Whereas any choice I make - career, social, whatever - always has to account for the dc.

I don't think anyone has said this, let alone it be the general consensus.

Plenty of families have 2 parents working full time around nursery and school.

If your partner takes the new job, will he need to be in the office 5 days a week?

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 14:42

To be honest it's the general consensus that he can just to what he likes without having to consider the kids/family needs. Whereas any choice I make - career, social, whatever - always has to account for the dc.

It does frustrate me that women are always the default parent even though they should be just as much their dads responsibility too.

The only thing you can do is up your hours and he reduce his, so he can take on more of a parent role and you can focus on your career more.

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 14:45

I think you're being unreasonable because you're acting like he has taken this job and resigned from his old job already without making a peep.
He is "thinking of applying" so that is discussing it with you. This is the point when you both have an adult discussion.

Why are you implying you will have to do everything because he suddenly works out of the house? Presumably your older two are in school most of the day and the younger one is in nursery for you to work.
He's perfectly able to do drop off before he goes to work, most parents work full time and manage it between them just fine.

Annasgirl · 30/05/2023 14:48

OP - you still haven’t told us about your older DC’s dad - does he help out? Because your DH only has 1 child to think about, you have more DC and have chosen to work part time while they were young. You can make the equally valid choice to return full time or to train as you work - and he will have to either pay for additional childcare for your joint DC, or be at home to look after them.