Who is being unreasonable? Dh and job

[conniecornetto]

I'll start by saying I know this is the scenario a lot of mums find themselves in but just wanted perspective.

I work 28 hours a week. Dh works 37 and earns roughly 3 x more than me. We both work from home. I have a dc from a previous relationship and we have a toddler together.

Working from home has been good because although I do the vast majority of childcare, school runs and so on, it's really handy having him here to pitch in and stay with baby while I dash out to get the older dc and things like that. Especially since we have no relatives or any other help (aside from nursery and school).

He's had a falling out with someone from work and is basically talking about applying for another job which is an hours commute away and office based. It's more money by about 15-20k.

I'm trying to be supportive but I'm kind of gutted that if he gets it I will no longer have his help and support at home. Hell be out pretty much all day everyday and it will be a struggle for me. Yes many other women have to juggle but I suppose when you've been used to having the help at home it's a shock to the system.

It also the attitude that he can do what he wants, apply for any job and totally change his lifestyle without really having to think about it whereas I have to consider the kids in any decision I make. I had hoped to look for a better paid, more fulfilling job once dd is a bit older but without him around it will be much harder. He talks about his ambitions and desire to do well, but what about mine? I don't want to put him off or appear unsupportive especially because it's him who covers the majority of our household costs due to his wage.

I know I'm probably being a bit unreasonable but I just think he has a cushty arrangement right now and due to a silly fall out and a bit of male ego he's going to change all our routines. Willing to be told I'm out of order but does anyone else just think 'what about me' sometimes...

@conniecornetto gently, it is your choice that you are looking after DC. It’s not a fact of life or something that “women have to deal with”.

for example when I returned from mat leave I went back full time and then applied for a promotion, which I got. DC is in nursery 3 days a week, with my parents one day a week and with a local childminder one day a week. She is 15 months. It never occurred to me to skimp on childcare as my career is important to me.

if yours is important to you then go back full time, up toddler’s hours and get wrap-around for older DC. They won’t need it once they’re in secondary so it would be a short term thing for them. If DH wants toddler in nursery less then he could go part time to make that happen. It never entered my head to go part time - that’s what childcare is for.

Your choice is a very valid one, but do own the fact that it’s a choice you’ve made and not some inevitable fate that’s imposed on all women.

I think the over arching point that I'm trying to make is that it's hard for women in general to put their wants and desires on the back burner to raise kids.

Op, the issue here is your decision to 'skimp' on nursery, not your partner working in an office. You can't have it all ways, with you both working full time in excellent careers and also looking after a toddler at the same time.

If you want to work, use proper childcare while you're working.

@pennypingletonpenny that is definitely not my view. I didn’t mention fathers because having children doesn’t seem to affect their career at all. Sorry if I worded my post badly. It’s all very unfair.

Well, you need to just discuss it with him don’t you. You are a team now so anything that affects the family should be a joint decision. Remind him of this.

YABU You're in an extremely fortunate position, whether or not your DH changes jobs. Your post and responses are all very 'woe is me'.

Surely if either of you wants to apply for a new job, promotion or training opportunity, a discussion is had about how to make it happen. It’s just the basics of supporting each other really, why have a glass half empty mindset. Figure out together how you would make the new job work around your toddler and your own work commitments.

I'm not sure I can be described as self centred having basically sacrificed my own career to raise two children.

That's something you did for your children, not your husband. And let's be honest, for yourself too.

Maybe that's clouding my judgement. Because we are both at home we foolishly skimped on nursery a bit thinking that between us we'd be able to work and cover each other with dd at home a few mornings a week.

... I agree with PP - your employers are both, presumably unknowingly, making sacrifices to accommodate your choices too!

You haven't sacrificed your career, you've neglected it, ignored it, and are now complaining about the consequences. Think about it, talk to your husband, and make a plan to prioritise it a bit.

Is your husband the step parent to your older child? Why can't you ask your older child's father for help? It always strikes me that a step mother is advised not to take on step parenting child care. It seems to be expected from a step father. Why such a different attitude?
So many threads recently from indignant step mothers being asked to pick up step children from school ( and refusing). You seem to expect your husband to take on a full parenting role with your older child that is not biologically his.
Or have I missed something?

@3luckystars . Do you think stepfathers should do more parenting than step mothers?

OP I mean this nicely but why are you making so many assumptions, all of which require you to do all the running around and put your plans on hold and at risk?

You are allowed to want other experiences out of life other than being home all the time. Your DH should be supporting you with your plans and dreams, but he can't do that if you don't bother saying what they are..

I'd find it hard to turn my nose up at another twenty grand coming into the household, no matter how the job search was instigated, especially if the 'only' concession would be that I'd need to put the toddler in her buggy for one more year of school runs.

I'd definitely be looking at putting some of that additional money into funding a qualification that could lead me to a better paid role so that I wasn't stuck with school runs and limited opportunities for progression - it's what I did and it made a significant difference to my employability/ability to choose what I wanted to do.

I'm not applying because with nursery runs and school runs and other obligations I just couldn't

Of course you can. Like working parents everywhere, you sort childcare.
I mean, you don't have to of course, but don't make out it is some sort of impossible thing.

YABU to stand between your dh and what sounds like a sizeable promotion, when you only have one child and work PT hours.
I'm not saying that you ought to be the one who sacrifices your career or becomes the 'default parent', but it seems that is the choice that you and dh have made, so why would you try to stop your dh progressing his career.

Going against the grain OP but I agree with you and think your husband is being harsh. At the moment he is here all the time and if you increased your hours it sounds like he would be able to share the load.

He has applied for a job an hours commute away. 5 days in the office - this is 10 additional hours that he will be out of the home a week. If that was my husband (and it has been recently) I'd have expected a discussion about it (and he did) as an additional 10 hours on your own with a toddler a week is a lot. Yes there is childcare but with an hours commute, which parent is likely to do all that? Plus all sick days, school and nursery things etc when one of you is 10 min away and the other is an hour away?

And if you become the default person who collects and drops off then that does by default impact your career as you can't work certain hours etc.

Lastly when you have raised 'how is this going to work' which is a reasonable question and instead of outlining how he will continue to meet his responsibilities to his own child, despite being away, he is getting defensive and blaming you for not 'supporting' him while simultaneously making your life harder.

My husband got approached for a job recently paying significantly more but being away significantly more...he researched different childcare and household outsourcing options and how he would help me with the extra load and made it clear that the final decision would be a joint one. That's what he could have done

This tbh

Op, the issue here is your decision to 'skimp' on nursery, not your partner working in an office. You can't have it all ways, with you both working full time in excellent careers and also looking after a toddler at the same time.

If you want to work, use proper childcare while you're working.

This is the crux of the issue.
Skimping on nursery and relying on the flexibility to work from home as a way of covering childcare was always going to be a risk.

Still want to know how much help the OP also gets from her first child's father and why so much more parenting is expected from step fathers than step mothers

I was a single mum for a long time.
I worked full time and had a side job to keep afloat.
I can only imagine the luxury of working 28 hours even now!!

Put your children in full time childcare and apply for better paid jobs. No one is asking you to be a martyr. My mum, and most other mums, had no choice but work a full week. Being able to afford to only work 27 hrs a week and a husband that makes 3x more than you IS a privilege - because you have the privilege of choice. You can choose to work less or more.

Has he worked out how much the 2 hours per day commuting will cost? Plus of course the lunches, office clothes/shoes etc. All those costs are from after tax money, so if he's in a higher tax bracket, you need to earn a lot more for it to be worth it. £1000 of salary is only about £40/month extra on average, and if your train ticket is say £600/month, that's £15k of salary pre tax alone. Driving 2 hours a day isn't cheap either.

OP, I hope you will be able to read this among all the many posts here….
I think by far the biggest weakness of MN and similar platforms is this: people are constantly asking or discussing issues with the wrong people. Please, please tell all you told us to your husband. Discuss it, tell him your concerns, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your vision for your family. What do you talk about if not these?
Too many people are looking for validation on public forums. I repeat, please talk to the person your actually live with - and if you really love him, you will find these discussions edifying or at least informative.

While Mumsnetters sometimes give good advice and suggestions, for these matters please thrash it out with your husband and come to an agreement. That is how your relationship will grow and strengthen. Please Talk, talk talk. Learn how to communicate well with your husband. Don’t join the multitudes of modern folk, quick to rant on public forums about how unfair this or that is. Take constructive action. Talk to the man who matters!!!!!

The person who can earn the most does so and the other one does more child care and house work. It’s that way in our family set up, it just so happens that I earn more and DH does more of the kids and house stuff - despite also working 40 hours a week on nights.

It’s not about male or female, but about who can earn most and who then picks up the slack so the family can have more money.

When someone is earning 3x the other’s salary and is still expected to put career on hold so they can do school runs, it makes no sense what-so-ever.

From the way you’re talking you’ve facilitated the ‘kids are my remit’ mindset.

During the working day he’s meant to be working, not ‘staying with the baby’. He’s not at home to provide domestic help and you should never rely on him being able to do that.

Agree with other posters that perhaps you look for a higher paid or longer hours role and or enlist paid childcare.

A starting point if he does get the job is that on the days you and he are both working, the little one is at Nursery full days and one of you does drop offs and one does pick ups.

Your elder dc - can't they walk home? They Year five?

Because we are both at home we foolishly skimped on nursery a bit thinking that between us we'd be able to work and cover each other with dd at home a few mornings a week. It's been a nightmare frankly and if he's not around she will absolutely have to go into childcare more often because there's no way I can manage it alone and work.

This is your real issue, you're trying to work and do childcare. Some companies have policies (for good reason) stating you should not be doing childcare whilst at work - a self sufficient teenager is one thing but two young children?

Perhaps your husband says the reason for applying for the new job is a falling out at work, but maybe wants to get away from what sounds like a stressful - not cushy - arrangement of working and doing childcare at the same time.

I agree with @Comfortablechairs . Why are step mothers even if they share 50/50 with the child's mother not expected to do any childcare? I am constantly amazed at the 'not your problem' advice given to step mothers about involvement with step children.
It is very different with stepfathers on MN. They are expected to be more nurturing, hands on and to provide financially for their step children.
It is one of the most significant examples of double standards on MN.