Who is being unreasonable? Dh and job

[conniecornetto]

I'll start by saying I know this is the scenario a lot of mums find themselves in but just wanted perspective.

I work 28 hours a week. Dh works 37 and earns roughly 3 x more than me. We both work from home. I have a dc from a previous relationship and we have a toddler together.

Working from home has been good because although I do the vast majority of childcare, school runs and so on, it's really handy having him here to pitch in and stay with baby while I dash out to get the older dc and things like that. Especially since we have no relatives or any other help (aside from nursery and school).

He's had a falling out with someone from work and is basically talking about applying for another job which is an hours commute away and office based. It's more money by about 15-20k.

I'm trying to be supportive but I'm kind of gutted that if he gets it I will no longer have his help and support at home. Hell be out pretty much all day everyday and it will be a struggle for me. Yes many other women have to juggle but I suppose when you've been used to having the help at home it's a shock to the system.

It also the attitude that he can do what he wants, apply for any job and totally change his lifestyle without really having to think about it whereas I have to consider the kids in any decision I make. I had hoped to look for a better paid, more fulfilling job once dd is a bit older but without him around it will be much harder. He talks about his ambitions and desire to do well, but what about mine? I don't want to put him off or appear unsupportive especially because it's him who covers the majority of our household costs due to his wage.

I know I'm probably being a bit unreasonable but I just think he has a cushty arrangement right now and due to a silly fall out and a bit of male ego he's going to change all our routines. Willing to be told I'm out of order but does anyone else just think 'what about me' sometimes...

Agree with this. I only have one child, but DP is her stepdad. Any responsibility relating to her primarily falls to me and my career choices have had to reflect this. He does and has do/done things for her like taking her to activities etc, but your DH's responsibility really only lies with the little one, which between you with childcare etc, should be more than doable.

This is where I was going when I read the OP’s posts. It does sound like he’s discussing things with her.

@conniecornetto This is where you two discuss the practicalities and you toss your wants on the table. Then the discussion is “how do we make things work for everyone”. It may mean he takes the job and you use some of the extra money for retraining in anticipation for you getting a better job. It may mean using some of the extra money for additional childcare (to eliminate drop offs for example) to give your work availability more flexibility.

@conniecornetto you're saying you can't commit to full time hours because of school runs etc. Lots and lots of us do. You're choosing not to which is fine. Your husband wants to work full time and could potentially earn an extra 20k, but you want him to not do that so he can help with school runs?

I don't ever think "what about me". I talk to my husband. Same goes for him.

Big life decisions, we have a notebook, we thrash out the rough financial and practical impacts, and work out something we're both happy with.

It doesn't make the world perfect, but we both have a say and work out something doable.

Talk to your husband, make a habit of it.

Thanks for the responses so far.

He wants to apply. I have gently asked 'how will x and x work' and he is sulking and giving it the I'm being unsupportive act. Talking about his ambitions and career goals etc. so he clearly wants to apply and if successful will want to take the job.

As far as my older dc dad is concerned...he does all the stuff a non residential parent does. Some childcare in the school holidays, EOW contact, occasional school runs. He is helpful and will go above and beyond if needed but I am very much the default parent in that situation too. I don't ask dh to curb his career ambitions around my older dc though, I do pretty much everything for her. She's my responsibility not his. It's the toddler that requires the most forethought at the moment.

I realise how lucky we've been to have wfh for so long and as I said in my op, I know that what I'm describing is what most families do already. It's just a change. We don't have family support and I already feel like the default parent in every other aspect - it's me who arranges shopping, holidays, appointments, all life admin basically. Alongside working 27 hours which isn't full time but is still quite a chunk out of my week.

What specifically do you think will change if he gets this job?

Will he be in the office 5 days a week?

On days he's in the office, what will he not be around to do at home?

Until recently, my partner was wfh full time and now he's in the office 3 days a week. I work part time and we have a 4 year old but it hasn't had any impact on my ability to work.

I have gently asked 'how will x and x work' and he is sulking and giving it the I'm being unsupportive act.

What specifically are these things though?
What do you think won't work and will need a new plan?

It doesn't take 2 people at home all the time to manage a couple of school and nursery runs. This isn't some logistically impossible task.

If you look at it from an overall family perspective :
*Is there another way to maximise your joint earning potential ?
*Or is that level of a money bump not important?
*is your ideal scenario that he stay in a job that allows him to WFH but is making him unhappy ?

Well, as you know about this he must be talking to you about it so why not raise your concerns but bear in mind that working somewhere where you don't want to be is miserable so that has to factor in as well.

YABU OP. You work hours that suit the school run etc. There's no reason you cant take the toddler to do that.

Why do you think it’s only a mothers salary that’s paying for childcare etc so ‘breaking even’? If both parents work then child costs are a joint responsibility, what a depressingly sexist viewpoint if not.

Is there a reason you cannot do extended child care and apply for the jobs you wish? Is it you can’t afford it? For me, we were both free to make career decisions, we simply managed it with child care.

Why can't he be flexible and do the nursery/school runs? I completely disagree that you're the only one who should be putting your needs on the back burner. He's their parent too, and if that means he can't progress at work or change jobs then tough shit, why should you make all the concessions?

Generally if one parent reduces hours to part time it is because someone needs to be there for DC and cover childcare and school runs etc. More often than not it is the mother who is the lower earner and also the one who wants to be home more for the DC. The higher earner will generally be needed to continue FT to pay the bills. We can talk all day long about equality but that is the most common situation.

If the OPs DH has an opportunity to earn quite a bit more money to provide for his family then he would be very foolish not to consider it. No reason why the toddler can't be taken on the school run like lots of other kids and the extra salary can go towards more childcare should the OP want to work more in the future.

He’s entitled to be happy and fulfilled in his work, especially if you all rely on his salary.

lots of parents manage with 2 kids with a much smaller age gap - surely in a year or two your older child will be at high school and getting themself there?

I just think he has a cushty arrangement right now and due to a silly fall out and a bit of male ego he's going to change all our routines.

I could equally point out that you have a cushty arrangement right now! But I'm going to assume that if you are finding your job tough going for any reason, you'll be soldiering on and not looking to move or to get better pay, or any of those other things? And of course you'll never fall out with someone over some silly female ego stuff?

I actually do think that you both need a conversation about things, but I also think you are being quite self-centred. You could try talking to him instead of a random bunch of strangers, but also get that he is working full-time and bringing in the majority of the income, and if he isn't happy at work that is an enormous slice of one's everday life being miserable - and that has consequences for you both as well.

It doesn't take 2 people at home all the time to manage a couple of school and nursery runs. This isn't some logistically impossible task

This.

By cushty arrangement I meant a well paid job, no commute, plenty of flexibility and being able to work in his pyjamas most of the time. If he were genuinely unhappy at work of course I'd support a move. That's almost what's more galling - it's been fine up until this recent fallout. It seems like a knee jerk reaction to pack in a good job solely over that.

I'm not sure I can be described as self centred having basically sacrificed my own career to raise two children. My ex had similar views that he wouldn't be allowing a child to take over his life which always seemed hilarious to me because that's exactly what kids do, for a short time at least. Unless you are going to pay someone to look after them pretty much 24/7 you do need to make sacrifices and alter your outlook.

I can see I've probably been quite spoilt with having dh home to chip in with things though. Maybe that's clouding my judgement. Because we are both at home we foolishly skimped on nursery a bit thinking that between us we'd be able to work and cover each other with dd at home a few mornings a week. It's been a nightmare frankly and if he's not around she will absolutely have to go into childcare more often because there's no way I can manage it alone and work.

I think the over arching point that I'm trying to make is that it's hard for women in general to put their wants and desires on the back burner to raise kids. It's a choice we make of course but it stings a bit sometimes seeing dh causally applying for jobs that will totally transform his/out lifestyle without a seconds thought. I simply couldn't do that because someone has to be there for the dc.

Stop turning this into some bullshit idea that women must always be martyrs and always get the bad bits and need to be permanent domestic slaves!
You work reduced hours because you want to. If you want to work full time you do what everyone else does and signed up to an after school childcare option.
Don’t make it out like you’re making this awful sacrifice and your DP is so lucky that he ‘gets to’ work full time.

Either you work reduced hours because you want to do the school runs or use childcare options.
It’s stupid to work reduced hours and still need your husband to permanently wfh to help with pick ups.

Well, I'd always think couples should talk things over, but I think you are being precious about needing to manage two dc at home alone. That sounds pretty standard to me.

It sounds like you have already agreed for him to be full-time and you to hold the fort with the kids, so on that basis I would think it's up to him where he works.

If the situation is that you want to return full-time and him to work less, then that wouldn't be unreasonable. We both worked compressed hours over 3 or 4 days a week around each other's schedules to continue our careers, and it worked well.

But I think that wanting him to have a worse job that he doesn't want just so he can help with childcare when you are on duty isnt really sensible or fair.

Having read your last update, it sounds like you are struggling because you are trying to work and do childcare - that is absolute madness and unfair to both your dc and your employer I think. There's nothing wrong with paid for childcare, and it's certainly better than being at home with a parent who's not paying attention to you. Definitely get childcare in place!

If your DH is WFH in his PJs and you are both caring for a toddler while trying to work it might be time for a change. How was this going to continue longer term? Also can you see that the increase in salary is of benefit to you both and perhaps worth the minor inconvenience of rearranging things a bit. I see it as a team effort, we both have to do what we can to make the most of our situation for the benefit of the family as a whole.

This

I think the over arching point that I'm trying to make is that it's hard for women in general to put their wants and desires on the back burner to raise kids. It's a choice we make of course

Make a different choice!

It’s simple, he will need to use some of the extra money to pay towards childcare.