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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not getting up?

75 replies

whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:23

My husband gets up around 7:30 every day. I am usually up about 7 with the kids. We have a 4 month old that wakes once in the night still too which I have always done. My husband has never done a night feed and he sleeps in every weekend.

He's decided he wants to get up at 6am now and go to work earlier (it's flexi) I said great!

6am and his alarm goes off this morning like a fog horn. Wakes me, him and the baby. Baby is now wide awake and he decides he's not going to get up after all and goes back to sleep. So I'm laying there thinking so he woke us all up and now he's going back to sleep.. after about 2 minutes of the baby fussing in the cot he says "can you get up with her now" I said why.. he said "because she's awake?" I said but she wasn't until your alarm went off.. I wouldn't have minded if he was getting up but I was annoyed that he woke us all and then went back to bed.

I didn't get up with the baby and he went and slept on the sofa!

I got a bottle for the baby and she went back to sleep but AIBU to not have got up with her? I'm always tired as it is from being up in the night although I know once isn't bad but still!

OP posts:
AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 30/05/2023 09:25

Is your husband always this much of a prick?

Original poster
whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:29

@AlwaysPlayingYellowCar hahaha well I was not surprised by him expecting me to get up so maybe!

OP posts:
mainsfed · 30/05/2023 09:31

YANBU. Tell him if he wakes baby he needs to stay with her. Are there options to make him responsible for getting up in the night feedings in weekends?

FifteenQuarter · 30/05/2023 09:33

We only have a limited view of your life.

He should have gone to work early as planned.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 30/05/2023 09:34

What a selfish twat. He needs to start pulling his weight and doing some childcare. It’s his child also so he needs to step up and take some responsibility otherwise what is the point of being together. If you’re not working as a team you might as well do it on your own without having to mother him also.

Original poster
whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:35

@mainsfed he can't do night feeds full stop. I am happy to do them Monday to Friday and even the weekends but it would be nice to have a lay in now and again. We tried him doing a night feed and because his sleep was disturbed he was so agitated and moody it just wasn't worth it

OP posts:
greennotepad · 30/05/2023 09:37

Of course he didn't get up, it sounds like he's used to you doing it all the time. Stop enabling his behaviour.

GoalShooter · 30/05/2023 09:39

YANBU. And you should be having one lie in each at the weekend.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 30/05/2023 09:39

My ex used to make a big deal of getting up with 3 x dc on a Saturday.. Then he would send dc up to play in their rooms while he napped on the sofa.
Bedroom either side of ours...
You need to stop being a martyr and start dumping your dc +bottle on him a few nights a week.

Original poster
whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:40

greennotepad · 30/05/2023 09:37

Of course he didn't get up, it sounds like he's used to you doing it all the time. Stop enabling his behaviour.

I absolutely agree. I think over the years I've just got on with it because it's easier for everyone when he isn't in a huge mood. I don't mind so much usually but this morning really took the piss!

OP posts:
greennotepad · 30/05/2023 09:41

You should mind! This will only get worse and your resentment will only grow.

Presumably two of you made the decision to become parents? There is no part-time option.

Stop martyring yourself and tell him he needs to pull his weight.

SeasonFinale · 30/05/2023 09:42

whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:35

@mainsfed he can't do night feeds full stop. I am happy to do them Monday to Friday and even the weekends but it would be nice to have a lay in now and again. We tried him doing a night feed and because his sleep was disturbed he was so agitated and moody it just wasn't worth it

Ah so you mean he made it so awful that it wasn't worth you getting him to take his turn.

Time to try again. Let him be awful and moody but enjoy your interrupted sleep for at least a night especially if he doesn't even step up to give you a lie in!

SBHon · 30/05/2023 09:50

We tried him doing a night feed and because his sleep was disturbed he was so agitated and moody it just wasn't worth it
It doesn’t make you feel like a bed of roses and yet you persevere and manage it.

Seriously why are you accepting him letting you do all the hard work? Your bar is so low it’s on the floor.

Bournetilly · 30/05/2023 09:53

YANBU! Tell him to set his alarm to vibrate in the future and hopefully it won’t wake everyone up.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 30/05/2023 09:59

whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:35

@mainsfed he can't do night feeds full stop. I am happy to do them Monday to Friday and even the weekends but it would be nice to have a lay in now and again. We tried him doing a night feed and because his sleep was disturbed he was so agitated and moody it just wasn't worth it

How convenient!

So you do the night wakings, get up earlier in the morning on week days and he gets both lie ins at the weekend?

Original poster
whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 10:01

@Mumoftwoinprimary that's right. Well he got 3 this weekend due to bank holiday 😆. He's not talking to me now today because I didn't take the baby out of the room this morning

OP posts:
Daffodil92 · 30/05/2023 10:06

So you have done every night feed, ever. You get up every single weekend and never get a sleep in? and not he wakes you all up and expects you to jump out of bed because he’s suddenly changed his mind and fancies a sleep in? Now he’s giving you the silent treatment?! What a selfish tosser.
I don’t know how you’re being so light hearted about this, OP. If someone thought so little of me that they could treat me light this, I would be really upset. X

SBHon · 30/05/2023 10:11

whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 10:01

@Mumoftwoinprimary that's right. Well he got 3 this weekend due to bank holiday 😆. He's not talking to me now today because I didn't take the baby out of the room this morning

You know none of this is ok OP. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

JonahAndTheSnail · 30/05/2023 10:20

He sounds nasty to try to dictate when you get up with the baby after he's woken her up! Noone like feeling sleep deprived and I'm sure there have been times where you've felt tired and grumpy, but managed not to take it out on your husband and others around you. It's convenient for him to be able to sleep whenever he wants, as he knows you'll pick up the slack with the baby without him having to lift a finger.

CanofCant · 30/05/2023 10:20

whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 09:35

@mainsfed he can't do night feeds full stop. I am happy to do them Monday to Friday and even the weekends but it would be nice to have a lay in now and again. We tried him doing a night feed and because his sleep was disturbed he was so agitated and moody it just wasn't worth it

This isn't okay. You need to be the bigger prick basically because it is worth it. YOU and your wellbeing is worth it. Otherwise get rid of him, he sounds useless and cruel.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 10:22

Of course he can do night feeds. If he's moody ignore him, otherwise he'll use this behaviour every time ye doesn't want to do something. Sounds like your 4 month old is slightly more mature than your dh

Napmum · 30/05/2023 10:27

My husband and I started out this way as early on it makes sense for one parent to focus on the baby and the other parent get sleep as they work.

However, once you start feeling this way, you need to change the rules. Firstly, tell him that if he wakes the baby again, he either had to go to work or take the baby. It is hard to get up earlier at first, but he needs to commit for it to work.

Secondly, he needs to allow you a lie-in. We normally try to have one lie in each at the weekend. It is set (I get Sundays), but if the other parent is clearly more awake, they do it and we swap the next day. Same if one parent is clearly unwell, we don't normally have to ask anymore as we just help each other out now. This is what being in a partnership or marriage is about.

mainsfed · 30/05/2023 10:32

He's decided he wants to get up at 6am now and go to work earlier (it's flexi)

Let me guess, the time he saves doing flexi will be spent doing his hobbies or whatever, he won't be having the baby any longer will he?

So you'd be getting up at 6am with a crying baby to facilitate him having more time doing other things.

LadyT27 · 30/05/2023 10:40

Of course he is AIBU.

What I don't understand seeing countless threads just like this, is why have you allowed this set up to happen?

You do the night feeds but he sleeps in every weekend? Why complain when you've allowed this behaviour? Allowed him to be a selfish arse.

I don't mean to sound harsh but there is no way on earth I let this happen. Me and my partner take turns to sleep in. His is Saturday morning and mine in Sunday morning. You need to nip this in the bud straight away. If he gets in a mood, let him crack on with it, just ignore him. If you are not prepared to do this then don't complain! Good luck!

Codlingmoths · 30/05/2023 10:58

whitebedsheets · 30/05/2023 10:01

@Mumoftwoinprimary that's right. Well he got 3 this weekend due to bank holiday 😆. He's not talking to me now today because I didn't take the baby out of the room this morning

So he is a prick. I’d wake him every weekend morning as soon as I was awake until he acknowledged that maybe waking the baby and going back to bed expecting you to deal with it is shitty. Suggest you go find him now and say this is what’s happening until you stop being such a dick and treat me like a human being who is tired from doing all the nights and mornings for our children. You’re always a bit of a dick about that but I draw the line at this extreme twattishness. If you don’t lift your act I’ll be kicking you awake when I wake up at nights too and ignoring your sulking and crappy mood until it gets too much to ignore and then I will pack you some clothes and build a bonfire of the rest of your things and SET THEM ON FIRE.

show his some grumpy temper back op. Stop putting up with it!!