For not getting up?

[whitebedsheets]

My husband gets up around 7:30 every day. I am usually up about 7 with the kids. We have a 4 month old that wakes once in the night still too which I have always done. My husband has never done a night feed and he sleeps in every weekend.

He's decided he wants to get up at 6am now and go to work earlier (it's flexi) I said great!

6am and his alarm goes off this morning like a fog horn. Wakes me, him and the baby. Baby is now wide awake and he decides he's not going to get up after all and goes back to sleep. So I'm laying there thinking so he woke us all up and now he's going back to sleep.. after about 2 minutes of the baby fussing in the cot he says "can you get up with her now" I said why.. he said "because she's awake?" I said but she wasn't until your alarm went off.. I wouldn't have minded if he was getting up but I was annoyed that he woke us all and then went back to bed.

I didn't get up with the baby and he went and slept on the sofa!

I got a bottle for the baby and she went back to sleep but AIBU to not have got up with her? I'm always tired as it is from being up in the night although I know once isn't bad but still!

You have all hit the nail on the head. And I know deep down it's wrong but I'm so used to it that over the years I have learned what not to do to avoid conflict. But I don't have to put up with it and I don't know how much more I can take. He won't talk to me so there's no point in me trying to bring any of it up today. Sometimes I won't talk for days on end so I don't know how long the silent treatment will last to be honest. I just go about my day

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. It's death by a thousand cuts. Even though you think you're going about your day, you may feel a heaviness in your heart due to the atmosphere. And he knows it, that's why he does it - to punish you.

This is no way to live, OP. A home should feel light and safe, like a sanctuary. Not a heavy, silent tomb.

So many men on here who become so 'moody and agitated' after doing one night feed that they are forever excused from doing it.

Surely that was the motivation for being so demonstrably moody and agitated in the first place?

Imagine if women pulled this crap.

I'm so sad to read this, OP. You shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour, it's so selfish and immature. My dad used to be like this with my mam, and the atmosphere was awful until the silent treatment finally ended, even if my mam continued on as normal. I lived in dread of them arguing. It must be hard for you to live like this. Could you talk to him once he's over his mood, is he likely be be able to see that his behaviour isn't fair or acceptable, and make some changes?

Why do you accept him giving you silent treatment as punishment?

I would be telling him he is taking the piss and he gets one weekend day for a lay in and I'd have the other.

Actually I wouldn't be with someone like this.

So..he woke you up. Woke the baby up. Told you to get out of bed and then went back to sleep?

Get some standards, please. I beg.

Your husband is a cunt. That's all.

Flexi implies office work. Why doesnt he do night feeds?

Yes, he should have sorted baby. Dickhead.

There’s lots that is unfair here; why are you the one always getting up? he should have got up as he woke the baby.
Even when mine were breastfeeding I’d do the early morning feed then go back to sleep while DH got up then when they were sleeping through we’d take it in turns sleeping in.

You know the silent treatment is classed as domestic violence don't you OP?

I find the phrase “you wake the baby, you take the baby” works wonders.

Your husband is a selfish dick though, but one wake up a night for your baby is amazing and you should cherish it while it lasts.

So you've come on here to tell us you're in an abusive relationship with a man who ignores his DC's needs, uses the silent treatment and mood swings to guilt and manipulate you, and you tread on eggshells around him.

Now you're told us that and you've spelt your abusive relationship out, what changes are you going to make to save your DC from being brought up in this hostile and damaging environment?

How are you going to teach your DC that people who love each other don't treat each other the way your H treats you?

Are you going to leave him?

I know, it's embarrassing. I am going to have to start sorting out how I'm going to leave. I am on maternity pay so it's not much right now so I don't know how I'll manage but it's gotten too much now. He's being awful to me today blaming me for being an unsupportive partner and saying from now on he will be sleeping on the sofa. That's fine by me to be honest but it still hurts.

Holy crap! You 'avoid conflict' and he ignores you for days? You know this is abuse don't you.

Do you want to stay with him?

@MsFrog I'm so sorry you had to live in that environment. He's quite good at hiding it from the kids, we just sort of stay away from each other but he's fine with them.
I will try and talk to him but this has been going on for years and things will trigger a huge conflict like this one where he won't talk to me and he's now said he's sleeping in the living room from now on. The financial quality of life for me and the children will definitely be worse but I know that it's not right and I can't live like this forever

@pinkyredrose I wouldn't have classed it as abuse myself but if that's what it's known as then I guess it is. I'm just so used to it. He's always saying I'm too emotional and I'm very sensitive so I have started to think that maybe that is the case and I need to just take things on the chin. I have stopped certain things hurting my feelings.

Do you have anyone you can confide in and get support from in real life?

Persuading you that your normal emotional reactions to being emotionally abused are the result of something 'wrong' with you is also abuse.

You might find the Power and Control Wheel helpful https://saferfutures.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Power-and-Control-Wheel.pdf

I have stopped certain things hurting my feelings.

That is so sad. You're hiding feelings within yourself because the reality is too awful to deal with.

He's starting to sound like your captor not your husband.

Think back to how he was before you married and when you were newlyweds. Did you find yourself making allowances for him, putting him first because he'd trained you that way? I bet you'll remember many other instances where he was an absolute arse.

If he's determined to sleep on the sofa from now on then I'd take that as a sign that your marriage is in a nosedive. And frankly I'd be counting my lucky stars.

I think you'd have a much happier life with just you and the children without the resentment of having to deal with a disrespectful arsehole. You might not be as poor as you think. He'd have to pay maintenance, you'd get certain benefits, single persons council tax discount etc.

Could you afford the house without him? If you asked him to leave would he go?

He sounds absolutely horrific tbh

I can’t even begin with everything that’s wrong here

See it's that sort of selfish behaviour that wld make me divorce. I do not put up with shit like that.

My dh wld do that too if I let him but I don't. I've always told him he needs to pull his weight. We both get a lie in at wkend one day each. We both take turns bathing the kids or taking them to classes etc. I do have friends that don't have that support, I keep telling them not to put up with it. They say he won't change but yet they stay. I honestly cldnt, it wld make me lose all respect for him and begin to really dislike him to say the least!

he's an abusive arsehole and I think you know it, OP, and you're looking for some validation. Well, here it is. He's a shit parent and a shit husband.

He's sulking?

Wow.

He sounds awful OP.

He can do night feeds, he’s just engineered it so it’s not worth it to you. He’s a cockend, sorry.