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To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

354 replies

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:24

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

2594 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
NatureNurture85 · 30/05/2023 00:27

Do you think you put her and the friendship on a bit of a pedestal? In that she just didn’t see you in the same way?

using words like ‘proud’ of your friendship is a bit odd, I’m not proud of my friendships they kind of are what they are. They ebb and flow.

MsPavlichenko · 30/05/2023 00:30

YABU. It’s her choice.

EllandRd · 30/05/2023 00:32

Oh get over it being so entitled. This is her wedding not yours, stop making it all about you.

NatureNurture85 · 30/05/2023 00:32

I wonder if she felt she should have been your MOH? And the crap hen do organisation was well because she doesn’t see the friendship in the same way?

Your post comes across as very needy of her and perhaps that turns her off?

Poppins2016 · 30/05/2023 00:33

I found myself in a similar situation and the friendship sadly never recovered. If this kind of role (which is meaningful and signals affection) isn't reciprocated, it's a powerful message. When it happened to me, I felt as though it was a clear signal that the friendship/mutual affection wasn't as equal as I thought it was.

If you feel as though the friendship definitely won't recover if the issue isn't resolved, there's probably nothing to lose by asking your friend about it?

007DoubleOSeven · 30/05/2023 00:33

Yanbu to feel the way you do and I agree you clearly don't see the friendship the same way as each other, which is very hurtful. More so,that she seemingly doesn't care enough to even consider your feelings about not having a role.

However, as I think you know, its up to her who she chooses and you can dictate that.

Oubliette86 · 30/05/2023 00:33

You say she’s your best friend but it’s evident she doesn’t view you as hers.

SarcasticIntrovert · 30/05/2023 00:36

It sounds as if the wedding/bridesmaid thing is just a clear indicator of how this friendship is so YANBU to end the friendship 'just' over this because clearly it runs deeper than this. Is she a long time friend? Have things changed in the two years since your wedding? In hindsight do you think that you have been more invested in the friendship than she has? I don't think the lack of effort with your hen do is necessarily a negative indicator - some people are just better than others at these things - but you know her well enough to judge that. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and maybe it is time to start reassessing the friendship. I doubt the others gave much thought to you being affected as people don't necessarily reciprocate bridesmaids, best man etc. due to changes in circumstances or whatever but obviously you felt hurt and betrayed. It could be worth speaking to her, as there may be an explanation, but it may sour things so I guess only you can decide how much further that may take you.

SaulGoodman1 · 30/05/2023 00:38

It’s a tough one and also a very odd one.

I am my best friends, best friend. Does that make sense?

So she has gotten my presents such as mugs and cards with ‘best friends’ on them. I have a key to her house for when she’s on holiday. She openly states im her best friend. We are godparents to each others children. We go on weekends away just us and pop to each others a houses.
We text everyday and I know her family and she knows mine and everyone openly acknowledges we’re ‘best friends’.

We have other friends of course and are part of a wider friendship group but everyone knows us as ‘best friends’.

So if my best friend was to get married yes I would assume I’d be a bridesmaid for the minute she announced engagement (moh likely unless a family member). If I wasn’t, then I’d say something and everyone would be so shocked! Infact everyone would assume there’d been a falling out.

So I don’t know how that hasn’t happened in your scenario unless you’re not best friends. As in she is YOUR best friend, but you’re just one of her friends. So none of her other friends would automatically say your name when naming her best friend. They’d say a list of many people?

Can you honestly say it was a mutual closeness?
Was everybody else not shocked that you were not asked and asking her what had happened between you both?

I don’t see how this could happen without an obvious falling out unless she has lots of close friends and you’re one of them. In which case it’s not a snub but somebody close to her would’ve been left out?

Remaker · 30/05/2023 00:39

I think it’s clear that she doesn’t see the friendship in the same way as you do. YANBU to feel hurt and upset about that. She doesn’t sound very caring in the way she has gone about it either, she could have had an honest conversation with you about it.

I think after the wedding I would put your energy into other relationships.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 30/05/2023 00:40

If you subbed “wouldn’t play with me at playtime” into these posts they would all read perfect sense. As long as we were talking about our primary DC here.

im sorry you are hurt OP but this is madness. It boggles my mind that adult women can think this way. If you are upset, say so. Get something real to think about in your relationship. Bridesmaids and gossiping aren’t real things that matter in the world.

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 00:40

Who are the other bridesmaids? I had this with a friend a while ago but she had asked family to be bridesmaids which was what was expected in her family meaning she couldn't have as many friends involved. How often do you see this friend? Does she see the others more regularly? Has she known them for longer? I think you need to accept the relationship for what it is and I would probably invest a bit more into other friendships so your eggs aren't only in that basket so to speak.

Gothambutnotahamster · 30/05/2023 00:41

She should have spoken to you about it Op - that's the hurtful part to me. Whilst I'd hope I wouldn't be annoyed, likely I'd be devastated and I'd absolutely scale back the friendship.

Geppili · 30/05/2023 00:42

Omg just be happy for her. It is just a showy ritual that costs an arm and a leg.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 30/05/2023 00:42

Sounds like you view the friendship differently to her.

You also sound a bit needy.

She wasn't lying about annual leave if she'd already made plans with her other friends, and it's ok to have different friendship circles, before you asked.

Probably best to reduce your contribution to the same as she sees it and not expect so much.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 30/05/2023 00:44

Also - isn't it typical for the wedding couple to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses, hair, make up??

ringsaglitter · 30/05/2023 00:47

To quote the internet:

"You may not be your best friends best friend"

Please don't lose your friendship over this hun - we lose friends as we get older anyway. Rather, just cool it a little and don't stress so much. :)

FlamingoQueen · 30/05/2023 00:52

She does not see you n the way you see her (sorry). I wouldn’t even go to her wedding.

Sunnyfeelgood · 30/05/2023 00:56

I had this happen to me. Friend of 5 years was bridesmaid at my wedding and when she got married 3 years later, nothing.

But we are still friends. We just had different priorities and levels of friendship. For me, it wasn't worth losing a friend who was so important to me over jealousy over a title. We are still friends, where she no longer speaks to one of her bridesmaids. The title means nothing in reality. I understand it is hurtful when we love someone a little more than they love us, but it doesnt make sense to end the friendship, have a conversation with her.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/05/2023 00:57

FlamingoQueen · 30/05/2023 00:52

She does not see you n the way you see her (sorry). I wouldn’t even go to her wedding.

Lol same

SillyBilly1993 · 30/05/2023 00:59

To clarify that this is not my only friend! I am lucky to have several close friends and I could have happily asked any of them to be my chief bridesmaid. But I felt closest to this particular friend and when I asked her she was very enthusiastic and told me tearfully how much it meant to her. She’s always been very affectionate with me until very recently. So I am really baffled!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 30/05/2023 01:03

Some good advice here, OP. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't see you as her very best friend but she obviously sees you as a good friend. Value that

FlappyFish · 30/05/2023 01:06

I get it and have similar. It’s not about a wedding, a dress, a role. It’s a very public declaration that you’re not as important a friend. We love our friends. In busy lives we have to make time. Whilst friendships ebb and flow they require investment.

Not being involved shows your friend doesn’t value you in the same way. If she had a sister for example and spoke to you about it. Ok. But she didn’t. Instead you’re left in a group thinking what is my place? Why am J here?

It is like playtime. That analogy is a good one. I felt like I was unimportant. It’s akin to being told “you can’t play with us.”

It’s not totally rational but we are humans with feelings and it hurts.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2023 01:09

Friendships ebb and flow. Do you spend much time with this friend, compared to how much she she's her other friends? Have your lives changed a bit so you don't have asuch in common?
She is still a friend, but harsh to cut her out.

pizzaHeart · 30/05/2023 01:09

it clear that she sees your friendship differently, you are just one of her friends, and not a very close one as you are not even a bridesmaid.
I wonder why you’ve considered her as your best friend. Were you naive? Or needy? Or was she pretending to be your close friend when it was convenient for her? We don’t know but I think you should sit and think hard about it. I don’t think your friendship will survive this and I don’t think you should ask her about anything but you need to understand it for yourself to avoid the same mistakes in the future.

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