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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift for cheater.

105 replies

Iwasrightallalong · 29/05/2023 22:38

Posting here as not sure where else to post.

Really odd question but what would you buy for Father’s Day for a recent ex that you just found out had cheated on you so there’s a lot of upset and hurt feelings etc.

i would love to just get nothing at all but unfortunately DC is too young to buy their own gift and I don’t want to come across as the bitter ex and like I’m trying to get back at him through his DC.

But equally I’m not a complete fool so don’t want to go to huge expense or effort, any ideas?

OP posts:
Monkeymonkeymoo · 30/05/2023 07:34

N0tfinished · 30/05/2023 06:55

How about a framed picture of the kids?

I think if you want to get him something (and it sounds like you’ve got your reasons to) then this is a good idea.
You don’t have to put any effort in (you can just grab a cheap frame in Tesco when you do a supermarket shop) and then use a photo you already have printed or help your kids do a drawing to frame. It’ll cost a couple of pounds but is enough that his family would look nuts if they say that you’re being petty or bitter (not that you are being petty or bitter, he sounds like a total knob). You can also do the same thing every year with a new photo or drawing, so you never need to think about it again.

There are also loads of cheap cards that don’t say anything about him being amazing. They just acknowledge the fact it’s Father’s Day (presumably there’s a market for cards for shit dads).

peachicecream · 30/05/2023 07:35

I wouldn't bother. Do you think he would bother for you if it was mothers day?

peachicecream · 30/05/2023 07:37

rightroyalblues · 30/05/2023 00:02

A nice card (definitely not to the best dad ever) and a £20 shirt from Next with a gift receipt. Be the bigger person and do it for your kids. It's not about him, it's about your kids and your standards. Don't stoop to his level.

How is it about the kids when DC isn't even old enough to know/ care that it's father's day? It really doesn't matter. I think it's a bit weird to get him something tbh, it's obviously from OP and not the child.

TenoringBehind · 30/05/2023 07:45

Nothing.

but we don’t do Father’s Day anyway

Weatherwife · 30/05/2023 07:48

How old is DC? Can they scribble a picture/make some sort of craft for him?

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 07:51

Treasureboxkey · 29/05/2023 22:49

If the dc is too young to actually know, I wouldn't bother.

Sorry, hit post too soon.

Exactly this. Why would you? You're not doing it for DC as they're too young to understand the importance of the day. Do you think he'd be doing the same for you on Mother's Day if you'd cheated on him? Don't get him anything. He should take your DC out and spend a nice day with them and that should be enough.

thewonderfulthingabouttigger · 30/05/2023 07:52

I'm in the same club as you @Iwasrightallalong and also unsure what to do.

I think DC will make a card at nursery so may just leave it there. DC is 2 so doesn't 'get it' yet. If she was 5 or something I'd be like here is £5 /£10 and let her choose some tat. But at this point she won't get anything from choosing because she doesn't understand so there is no point.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 07:54

For those saying I’m silly or ridiculous etc, my ex and his family are turning out to not be the nicest of people, really quite dangerous actually (not physically) so whilst I don’t care a jot what any of them think of me I will do what I can to avoid being made out to be the crazy, bitter ex, I feel it very important not to give any of them any kind of ammunition they can use against me Even more reason not to try to appease this idiot and his toxic family. You don't owe him anything, neither your kindness or headspace. Get things settled legally and have as little contact as possible, or you'll be on MN for years talking about your woes with your crazy ex.

MrsToothyBitch · 30/05/2023 07:55

It's on behalf of the DC so I'd still give a decent gift, it would just be more impersonal than if I was still with him. I'd probably give him a card and some chocolates and the photo frame idea above. Wrap it properly and " To Daddy, love from Timmy and Jimmy" in the card and make it very clear it's from/for the children. I'd probably set much lower budgets on all items than if he was still my partner though- your DC can up it when they can afford it themselves if they like, he's their dad, not your partner.

I like being seen to be in the right/above reproach; even though any ex could probably feel the draft they'd have a hard time explaining it without looking a bit grabby.

Garrard · 30/05/2023 08:08

Father's Day is a complete non-thing - it's a commercial invention.

If you want to mark it, I'd give your child a piece of card and he can scribble/stick things on it and write 'To Daddy love from Gary' in it. I was always very happy with my children doing that kind of thing for me for Mothering Sunday and my birthday.

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/05/2023 08:11

A card, and put your child's handprint on a smooth stone as an ornament/paperweight. Minimum effort.

Although your ex sounds like a dick. Did he get you anything for Mothers' Day?

BellaJuno · 30/05/2023 08:11

Card and box of chocolates would do it. As much as it would gall me, I’d do it for the sake of the kids and to start as I mean to go on with how we co-parent in the future. If he didn’t reciprocate the next Mothers Day, I wouldn’t bother again but I’d keep the moral high ground. Hope you’re ok OP.

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/05/2023 08:13

Whoops, just seen that he did get you something.

Take the high road, you're linked to this man for life through your shared DC. A good co-parenting relationship will make everything much easier.

Although I'd be very tempted to give him a box of ex-lax laced chocolates...

CornishGem1975 · 30/05/2023 08:21

A card and some chocolates.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2023 08:29

Go to the budget card shop. Pick up a card that says Daddy and a mug with a pair of socks or similar. I agree to making a token effort you're year, then see if it upholds it next and take it from there.

OldEvilOwl · 30/05/2023 08:47

Don't bother!

DisquietintheRanks · 30/05/2023 08:47

If your child is too young then absolutely nothing at all. Why would you make the slightest effort? When they are older they can make cards.

It would be ridiculously martyr ish for you to do this.

LadyEloise1 · 30/05/2023 09:40

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 29/05/2023 22:49

This is a great post as I’m actually in the same situation.

Kids are 13m and 25m so not exactly like they can choose something for him. I’ll be getting him a 69p card from Card Factory and will let them scribble on it. I’ll address him and say something nice on behalf of the children.

He isn’t even getting a pair of socks out of me the cunt

Blimey you're a hell of a lot more generous than I would be in your situation.
He cheated and left you with a 13m and 25m and you're getting him a card / present.
Don't set a precedent.
When the children are old enough to do so they can send a card if they want.
I hope he is paying maintenance for his children.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 30/05/2023 09:42

LadyEloise1 · 30/05/2023 09:40

Blimey you're a hell of a lot more generous than I would be in your situation.
He cheated and left you with a 13m and 25m and you're getting him a card / present.
Don't set a precedent.
When the children are old enough to do so they can send a card if they want.
I hope he is paying maintenance for his children.

Show quote history

It’s a 69p card, I don’t think I’d consider that generous at all tbh! He got me a mother’s day gift (pre cheating) so I’ll get him a card on behalf of the kids. That’s way less than what I’d usually do

Lampzade · 30/05/2023 09:45

Campervangirl · 29/05/2023 22:48

Condoms?
I'm obviously being flippant, you have my sympathy ❤️

I was just about to type the same thing lol.
Extra small condoms

Don’t give him anything.

Opaque11 · 30/05/2023 09:48

frazzledasarock · 29/05/2023 22:46

I would not be wasting a single penny on him.

do you think he’s going to bother with your birthday/Xmas/Mother’s Day gifts?

I wouldn’t even think about it.

This. If your dc is too young to even know then why would you? He couldn't even give you trust, he's not getting you anything for sure!

Shelby2010 · 30/05/2023 09:56

If your DC is too young to care then don’t get him anything. Your agreement with him to get Mother/Father’s Day gifts came to an end when he broke the agreement on not cheating on each other.

Does it matter if he & his family pretend you are a crazy bitter ex? Nothing you do or say will stop them, so don’t bother trying to appease them, it’ll probably make them worse anyway.

Saniflo · 30/05/2023 10:18

It is almost 3 weeks until Father's day and you are putting all this thought and effort into his present. Do you think he would be doing the same for you? Honestly, don't be a mug. At the most get him a card. You are going to come across desperate and that you want him back if you do any more.

beachcitygirl · 30/05/2023 10:19

My friend buys horrible
Shit for her ex every year from
The kids, that he'll
Have to wear. They're young enough to insist he wears 🤣🤣 one year a fake gold sovereign ring.
Another - an absolutely hideous jumper
Another - cheap as shit plasticky trainers
Another - horrible cheap bracelets

He thinks of himself as such an oh so cool hipster
Although shit cheating husband he's a decent dad - so does wear it.
I fucking love it!