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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you are the main earner after 17 years together

62 replies

Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 19:35

Tough one here,

Me and my husband have been together 17 years, married 4 years with a 10 year old. Since having a child and being on mat leave all the household chores Inc jetwashing , emptying bins keeping garden tidy as well as house has fallen on me. I'm now on 30% more salary than him after working more hours and working on my career, as well as keeping the house going. He spends his time on the PlayStation or ipad games.. now he is a brilliant dad and gives me time alone a couple of times a month by watching my daughter.. but rarely does anything in the house.. I stay because he's a good dad... but he works less hours, doesn't help and causes arguments when I "nag". I've given up now . Just pretending that I live by myself and do everything, so anything he does every month or so it feels like bonus. No affection and minimal kisses.. another issue that i've given up on , been like this for years. I'm fed up now but stay due to financial situation.. anyone like me?

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 29/05/2023 19:42

His contribution to your joint life is watching HIS OWN daughter for a few hours per month whilst you work more hours and do everything else??

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 29/05/2023 19:49

Sorry, I’m not in the same situation. I hope you get some relevant answers but you must know you deserve better. It sounds like you work your arse off. It’s too much. And he’s teaching your daughter what to expect in her relationships when she’s grown. He’s not a great dad. I’m really sad for you that you think it’s certain you can’t split up.

GoalShooter · 29/05/2023 19:53

I would have lost all respect for him by now OP. How can he think this is ok?

Alaimo · 29/05/2023 20:02

Your daughter? I assume she's his daughter too?

As to your question, I don't think it's about who earns more. I earn more than my husband despite us working similar hours. As we work the same numbers of hours we try to split housework evenly. At one point we sat down and made a list of things that need doing regularly/occasionally (from food shop to annual renewal of insurance) and split them between us. No more 'nagging', we both know what aspects of cleaning, admin etc we're responsible for and we just get on with it. However that requires both partners to be willing to pull their weight, and I'm not convinced your husband does.

I couldn't live with a husband who works fewer hours, and doesn't pull his weight around the house.

TeaYarn · 29/05/2023 20:05

No one else is putting up with that kind of shit in a marriage.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 29/05/2023 20:12

A brilliant dad doesn't teach his daughter that it's totally fine to end up with a man who treats her with little respect and no affection. Because that's what he's doing. She is growing up thinking that women go out to work, and do everything around the house while dads fanny about on computer games. Is that what you want for her?

I'm the bigger earner in our house, DH does more than his fair share. In fact he's just cooked dinner and is cleaning kitchen while I have a beer in the garden because I had a crappy day.

ssd · 29/05/2023 20:12

Is he one of those dads who wants a pat on the back for babysitting his own kid??

JustMarriedBecca · 29/05/2023 20:15

Outsource everything.

Make a list of big jobs and sort into three. You, him and staff. Don't allow yourself to get frustrated.

He won't change and do this stuff if you facilitate his life for him.

BleakMostly · 29/05/2023 20:15

I think you'll find life is cheaper without this deadweight pulling you down - eating your food, using your electricity, and sapping your spirit, for a start.

Original poster
Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 20:18

Yes it's our daughter, he is her biological dad. I tell him when he needs to pick her up from school/ after school clubs etc. I made a list of what needs doing and when.. he chooses to ignore it as it'd not that bad... come on vacuuming and cleaning the house once a week is not that unreasonable. It's got to the point now where my daughter does more than him for her pocket money. ( and a pretty good job bless her). If I'm working late It's always a case that I have to make sure there is a batch cooked meal defrosting in the morning for them to reheat in the microwave or its a macdonalds/ takeaway

OP posts:
SweetBirdsong · 29/05/2023 20:20

He is NOT a brilliant dad. Stop telling yourself that! Hmm He is a bad husband and a poor dad, as he is showing this young child that he finds it acceptable to treat HER MOTHER like a skivvy, and a servant.

Seriously I despair for humanity, when I see threads on here from posters with the most dreadful husbands who treat them like shit, and then say 'but he's a GREAT DAD.'

Seriously, you'd be better off splitting up with him. He won't change. He can also do his fair share of looking after HIS CHILD too and not just a few hours a month!

SpringOn · 29/05/2023 20:21

I am the main earner. DH does all the shopping, meal planning, washing, dentist, hoovering, outdoor stuff like mowing, mental load stuff, cleans the kitchen daily.
I do most of the bed changing, haircuts and bedtimes.

I think I would either outsource or put my foot down if I was both doing all the work out of and inside the home.

Original poster
Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 20:49

I used to outsource for a cleaner on my wage only but due to cost of living I've had to top up on joint bills and food shop ( as well as paying 100% for 3 holidayz a year and spending money as going aay isn't his thing) I don't really earn that much more to accommodate that but think it's good to get away whilst we can. Sorry for bring naive I've been with him since 21 so wasn't sure if this was the norm, but feeling trapped and fed up now.

OP posts:
salmonlinguineplease · 29/05/2023 20:52

He is not a good Dad, why set the bar so low? I work less hours than my DH, and do more housework but he makes dinner every night, reads to our children every night, shares bathtime etc Weekends we just pitch in like a team, I'm not boasting because it shouldn't be anything special, he just acts like an adult with responsibilities for children and treats me like someone he respects and wants the best for. I cannot see what this man is bringing to you OP.

Bringabrolly · 29/05/2023 20:53

It’s sounds like you’ve married a teenager. What a terrible, terrible ‘parent’ he sounds like. This is real LTB territory. Ugh!

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 29/05/2023 20:55

I said YABU because you 100% are to stay in this relationship. Your daughter will end up in a similar relationship too.

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2023 20:55

and gives me time alone a couple of times a month by watching my daughter

¥^^

Sorry, is the child his or not??

Wtf

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2023 20:55

If this isn't fake, them yes, you need to leave

He's a total freeloader

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2023 20:56

He earns less, works less, does less housework, spends less time with DD, and he's not even a good shag.

No, that's not normal.

And he isn't a good dad. Studies show that girls with fathers who don't do housework have a limited idea of what they can achieve as adults. He's stunting her as a person.

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/05/2023 20:58

I would quit doing anything for him. I'd make sure to have separate bedrooms and bathrooms. He can do his own cleaning of those rooms. He can do his own laundry. I'd make a list of garden chores and only do half. If he didn't do his share I would hire the rest done. His problem.

Original poster
Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 20:58

Well to be fair he does decorate a room once a year, I'm not that practical or have the time to do this . So after that he feels like he has done his bit.. I do help where I can but trying to keep up on daily chores leaves me a bit short on time for things like that.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 29/05/2023 20:58

He's not a good dad nor a good husband.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 29/05/2023 21:14

Well to be fair he does decorate a room once a year, I'm not that practical or have the time to do this . So after that he feels like he has done his bit.

If that is it on top of the other few bits that he does occasionally, then no he’s not a good dad, as well as not being a good shag.

Him not being the main earner would not be an issue if he pulled his weight in other areas.

As another pp stated - start sleeping separate rooms, don’t do his laundry and don’t cook for him, etc and see if he steps up. If not, you’ll have to split if you don’t want to be putting up with this nonsense for years to come.

Pteryl · 29/05/2023 21:18

That’s not a good dad. Is that really the role model you want for your children?

nutbrownhare15 · 29/05/2023 21:23

As partners in life you both deserve equal amounts of leisure time. Have a look at Zawn Villaines work. Can you talk to a solicitor to explore ways to resolve financial issues after a split.

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