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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you are the main earner after 17 years together

62 replies

Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 19:35

Tough one here,

Me and my husband have been together 17 years, married 4 years with a 10 year old. Since having a child and being on mat leave all the household chores Inc jetwashing , emptying bins keeping garden tidy as well as house has fallen on me. I'm now on 30% more salary than him after working more hours and working on my career, as well as keeping the house going. He spends his time on the PlayStation or ipad games.. now he is a brilliant dad and gives me time alone a couple of times a month by watching my daughter.. but rarely does anything in the house.. I stay because he's a good dad... but he works less hours, doesn't help and causes arguments when I "nag". I've given up now . Just pretending that I live by myself and do everything, so anything he does every month or so it feels like bonus. No affection and minimal kisses.. another issue that i've given up on , been like this for years. I'm fed up now but stay due to financial situation.. anyone like me?

OP posts:

ssd · 29/05/2023 21:32

Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 20:58

Well to be fair he does decorate a room once a year, I'm not that practical or have the time to do this . So after that he feels like he has done his bit.. I do help where I can but trying to keep up on daily chores leaves me a bit short on time for things like that.

Once a year?

He must be shattered

AP5Diva · 29/05/2023 21:37

I voted YABU because how can you stand it?! Not the breadwinner bit, that’s not an issue to me. I don’t think that the man must be the higher or only earner. But a co-parent working fewer hours AND doing nothing round the house AND doing 2hrs childcare per month?! Spends umpteen hours on the PlayStation?

That’s more like having a grumpy gaming teenage son than a partner- but one that never grows up. YABU to not have kicked this Peter Pan back to Neverland by now.

GrumpyPanda · 29/05/2023 21:40

You don't formulate an AIBU, but you're being utterly, utterly unreasonable to put up with this sorry excuse for a human being. And given how you describe him he's a shit dad, too. Seriously OP, what example are you setting your daughter? Kick his sorry ass to the curb or at the very least, throw out his Playstation.

PaigeMatthews · 29/05/2023 21:43

you standards are very, very low. If you think he is a good husband, you have failed your daughter in showing her what a good partner is. It is truly shocking you chose the words ‘good father’ to describe him. It is like you have zero concept.

now he is a brilliant dad and gives me time alone a couple of times a month by watching my daughter.. but rarely does anything in the house.. I stay because he's a good dad...
my daughter. My. Ffs. He babysits his own daughter twice a month like a random teenager and that is your line for what makes a good father. Fucking .

Schooldinners1 · 29/05/2023 21:44

I feel like sooo many women are in the same situation as you but they just put up and shut up.

I feel like life would be easier and more relaxing single.

Schooldinners1 · 29/05/2023 21:45

GrumpyPanda · 29/05/2023 21:40

And he can't even satisfy her and perform sexually. He should have enough energy to do so.

YomAsalYomBasal · 29/05/2023 21:47

Wtf? This is not ok. Get rid of this freeloader and spend the money you'd usually spend on taking him on holiday on a decorator instead.

Hollyppp · 29/05/2023 21:47

You are married single parent.

You shouldn’t have to be putting up with this

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2023 21:59

What kind of example is he setting your daughter of what a relationship should look like?

pointythings · 29/05/2023 22:19

If you work more hours, he does more housework. That's how it goes.

He's not a good husband or a good dad, he's a waste of space.

Lwrenagain · 29/05/2023 22:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2023 20:56

He earns less, works less, does less housework, spends less time with DD, and he's not even a good shag.

No, that's not normal.

And he isn't a good dad. Studies show that girls with fathers who don't do housework have a limited idea of what they can achieve as adults. He's stunting her as a person.

I think this is the most wonderful reply to a thread I've seen here.

OP, listen to @MrsTerryPratchett. She's nailed it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/05/2023 22:27

He is NOT a good dad. He's a lazy, infantile misogynistic freeloader. I don't know you but I know you would do better without him. Why are you still with him?

Wildspace · 29/05/2023 22:31

What are you setting your DD up for with enabling this to continue? Would you be happy for your daughter to have the same relationship with her future partner?

BCBird · 29/05/2023 22:36

The person who works less should do more of childcare and chores. Simple

Comedycook · 29/05/2023 22:41

Why do you think he's a good dad?

unsync · 29/05/2023 23:28

You and your daughter deserve better than this.

SweetBirdsong · 30/05/2023 00:37

Comedycook · 29/05/2023 22:41

Why do you think he's a good dad?

She has already said. He babysits HER child twice a month (even though he is the bio father,) and decorates the bedroom once a year.

Geppili · 30/05/2023 00:43

Lazy cocklodger. Lazy dad.

lanthanum · 30/05/2023 09:18

Things are not right here, but the fact that you earn more has very little to do with it. You need to be looking at time, not money. If you headline with the earnings when you tackle him, you're not going to get to the important things.

thespy · 30/05/2023 10:18

He sounds like a complete dead weight. Surely you would be happier without him, you are already on your own in so many ways what is the point of him? He's not contributing to family life. He's not contributing to your well being and he's not even running a Hoover around. Cut him loose.

Singinghollybob · 30/05/2023 10:47

YABU for staying with him and showing your daughter this is the type of relationship she should aspire to.
He is a poor husband and also a poor parent.

caringcarer · 30/05/2023 11:08

SweetBirdsong · 29/05/2023 20:20

He is NOT a brilliant dad. Stop telling yourself that! He is a bad husband and a poor dad, as he is showing this young child that he finds it acceptable to treat HER MOTHER like a skivvy, and a servant.

Seriously I despair for humanity, when I see threads on here from posters with the most dreadful husbands who treat them like shit, and then say 'but he's a GREAT DAD.'

Seriously, you'd be better off splitting up with him. He won't change. He can also do his fair share of looking after HIS CHILD too and not just a few hours a month!

Nailed it. He is a very bad husband and father. I'd issue an ultimatum he shapes up or ships out.

Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 11:12

I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable for tolerating this shit.

Ihadenough22 · 30/05/2023 12:14

I have to tell you that it's not your job to bring in the larger income and then do all the house stuff and life admin. Your husband is taking you for granted.
I know a lot of couples with children.
I know one man who wife is the main earner and at times she works longer hours due to the nature of her work. They have 2 kids and he does the majority of the house work/admin and brings the children places as well like sport ect.

Most couples I know where both are working outside the home just don't leave everything to the one person.

One of my friends has a child older then yours. She has a good job, works full time and recently completed a master's degree. Her husband did more house work, spent more time with their child when his wife was either online for college or busy with college work.
He was not complaining about doing this either because he had always been pulling his weight at home. His wife is the higher earner and has gotten a better role recently.

At this stage I get all financial details together and go to a solicitor about a divorce as you need to see how this would work out for you. Bring details of your husbands pension as well.
Take copies of everything also.
Tell your husband that you are unhappy and that you had enough of him doing nothing at home. Tell him that he either shapes up or he will be moving out.
Don't tell him that you have been to a solicitor.

At the moment he is just taking from you. Your physical and mentally tired doing it all when he sits their like a teenager playing PlayStation. You worked hard for years to move up the ladder and he has just coasted along.

Also it not good for your daughter to be around a lazy man child like him because she think that this is normal. If he is sitting their on playstation he is not doing anything with his child either.
I think that you and her would be far happier if he was gone out of the house and to be honest he has no one to blame but himself for this.

Original poster

Dreamreacher87 · 30/05/2023 12:24

I've mentioned the d word twice already he steps up for 2-3 weeks then falls into old habits . He's always been like this which was fine before I worked my way up the career ladder and had more time at home . I've changed he says🤔. And I have for the better from a naive 21 something to a 36 year old managing a full department whilst he has been promoted to supervisor but moans about it and does not get more hours unlike me.

OP posts:

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