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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you are the main earner after 17 years together

62 replies

Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 19:35

Tough one here,

Me and my husband have been together 17 years, married 4 years with a 10 year old. Since having a child and being on mat leave all the household chores Inc jetwashing , emptying bins keeping garden tidy as well as house has fallen on me. I'm now on 30% more salary than him after working more hours and working on my career, as well as keeping the house going. He spends his time on the PlayStation or ipad games.. now he is a brilliant dad and gives me time alone a couple of times a month by watching my daughter.. but rarely does anything in the house.. I stay because he's a good dad... but he works less hours, doesn't help and causes arguments when I "nag". I've given up now . Just pretending that I live by myself and do everything, so anything he does every month or so it feels like bonus. No affection and minimal kisses.. another issue that i've given up on , been like this for years. I'm fed up now but stay due to financial situation.. anyone like me?

OP posts:

SkyandSurf · 30/05/2023 12:26

Dreamreacher87 · 29/05/2023 20:49

I used to outsource for a cleaner on my wage only but due to cost of living I've had to top up on joint bills and food shop ( as well as paying 100% for 3 holidayz a year and spending money as going aay isn't his thing) I don't really earn that much more to accommodate that but think it's good to get away whilst we can. Sorry for bring naive I've been with him since 21 so wasn't sure if this was the norm, but feeling trapped and fed up now.

Stop bringing him on holiday with you.

What a deadbeat.

SkyandSurf · 30/05/2023 12:28

Dreamreacher87 · 30/05/2023 12:24

I've mentioned the d word twice already he steps up for 2-3 weeks then falls into old habits . He's always been like this which was fine before I worked my way up the career ladder and had more time at home . I've changed he says🤔. And I have for the better from a naive 21 something to a 36 year old managing a full department whilst he has been promoted to supervisor but moans about it and does not get more hours unlike me.

I'd be more than mentioning the D word.

He doesn't respect you enough to do a sliver of the work you've been doing singlehanded for years.

I'd offer him counselling and one last chance to pull his weight. Then I'd tell him to pack his bags.

Original poster

Dreamreacher87 · 30/05/2023 12:56

Oh and to add fuel to the fire he was having an emotional affair for at least 4 years..his emails were connected to the ipd and I smelled something iffy.. now these last 12 months I've not been the good wife I have been and seeking affection from elsewhere. I was wrecked with guilt don't know why I was doing doing this but finding out about his emotional affair answered everything... but he's not into an open marriage either and wants his cake and to eat it . He's ended it bit I haven't

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/05/2023 12:59

@Dreamreacher87 he is a shit Dad. What is he teaching your daughter, that women work and men sit on their arse?

I can't see why you stay with him.

Fuzzyblank · 30/05/2023 13:02

after your last update why on earth haven’t you just separated? You’re both cheating and he’s a lazy arse. What is the point in continuing the relationship?

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/05/2023 13:11

So he's checked out and by the sounds of it you have too. Honestly this isn't a good partnership. I'd finish the job and separate and rebuild your life without him holding you back. I would have thought it would be easier going forward without that lazy so and so sitting there doing nothing other than creating a mess and moaning and pissing you off.

chezpopbang · 30/05/2023 13:16

You are setting an example of this is what you should accept from a partner for your daughter. Just think is this how you want your daughter to be treated when she is older. If it was me I'd be laying out what I expected from your partner or he needs to go. Where is the love? Sounds like a cocklodger to me

Emmamoo89 · 30/05/2023 13:34

You and your daughter deserve better x

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 13:43

Dreamreacher87 · 30/05/2023 12:56

This is your exit affair.

Your exit affair is you brain trying to show you there is life after him. It's messy and ugly but that's what it's for. Your marriage is already dead. You just need to issue the certificate.

IWantToVote · 31/05/2023 07:17

Wow, what a shit show?

How do you see this panning out? Imagine the time when your daughter leaves home and it's just you and him? Imagine when he retires and you retire? Imagine if one of you becomes ill or disabled?

Just get divorced now and get itcc CD over with.

Aishah231 · 31/05/2023 07:53

Hi OP. How old is you child? I think you should plan to leave as soon as you can. I can understand you staying I'm in a similar position. A mother's love will make you do anything. If things don't improve I'm leaving when the children are grown. We can middle along until then. The children are much happier than they would be in separate houses with both parents struggling to survive.

mollie7 · 31/05/2023 15:18

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. I've opted to stay because he gets aggressive when I ask to leave. He also has a massive hobby that takes up all of his time, a major excuse to do nothing for us. I'm waiting for the children to grow up but this is a hard life to live. It also shows your children to put up with rubbish men. Leave now if you can.

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