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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a shit mum?

56 replies

bonnyrascal · 29/05/2023 19:22

It’s our first child. DH and I don’t have any family local to us, nor any friends. So childcare is fully down to us.

LO is about 15 months and goes to nursery. I work FT as done my DH. Both roles are demanding and, if it’s relevant, I earn more.

When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, laundry, cooking for us and baby etc etc

now I am back to work those chores are done on a weekend (I try my best to fit them in her nap times). DH has said he feels like a single parent on the weekend and thinks I do the laundry/cooking for baby/bare minimum housework to avoid the baby.

I feel hurt as I do those things otherwise: she would have no home cooked meal to eat; she would have no clean clothes to wear. I do all her bath times, bed times, make her milk, and get her ready for nursery every week day. I finish work on time every day and spend time with her before bed, before I go back to the laptop to do more work.

Am I missing something? Is there a way to do these tasks without missing on baby time? In reality, it doesn’t even take long to do these tasks and I don’t feel like I’m away from the baby for long. I even took the baby out yesterday afternoon to give DH some quiet time and offered to do the same today. I do feel that my DH is being unreasonable to expect me to sort everything AND be around the baby constantly, when he does nothing to help with the grunt work.

It has also been a difficult time adjusting to going back to work FT and trying to do it all, and I don’t think he appreciates that.

Happy to hear anyones experinces/thoughts on this. Thanks

OP posts:

JediIsMyMaster · 29/05/2023 19:24

What chores does your DH do around the house?

Hugasauras · 29/05/2023 19:26

If you are doing all that stuff, what is he doing?

YukoandHiro · 29/05/2023 19:26

WHY does he do nothing to share the load? What does he say when you point out how unfair this is?

You are not a shit mum, but it sounds like you have a shit DH.

Missingmyusername · 29/05/2023 19:26

Of course you aren’t a shit mum. You are doing what’s needed to provide for your child.

Could you get a cleaner?
Could your DH do more?
Could you bulk cook and freeze meals?

GoalShooter · 29/05/2023 19:27

Well, why don't you suggest dividing that stuff between you so that neither of you are missing out on time with the baby?

Toottooot · 29/05/2023 19:28

Why does a 15 month old need their milk made?

DontGoThereYet · 29/05/2023 19:28

’ I do feel that my DH is being unreasonable to expect me to sort everything AND be around the baby constantly, when he does nothing to help with the grunt work’

Do you really need the answer to this AIBU? He is a lazy selfish ungrateful idiot and the dynamic needs to change before it’s too late.

Tulipmonster · 29/05/2023 19:28

I’ve voted YANBU as you sound like you’re busting your ladyballs trying to keep things running smoothly, which is a tall order with two full time jobs and a baby. But if you can possibly afford it, get a cleaner and get her to do at least a little laundry. Three hours a week of my cleaner’s time clears vast amounts of our weekend for family time.

Bunniesandcreamteas · 29/05/2023 19:28

It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate and he was upset and took it out on you. You’re not a shit mum but extra help round the house would definitely help if you can afford it

LibertyFloral · 29/05/2023 19:29

Why do neither of you have any friends?

gamerchick · 29/05/2023 19:32

What does he do?

MyrtleSmurf · 29/05/2023 19:33

If he was a single parent he'd be having to look after the baby AND do all the stuff that you do, does he realise that?
I imagine he'd be equally unimpressed if you told him he needed to do it all whilst you spend time with the baby.
It's a laziness problem.

GrazingSheep · 29/05/2023 19:33

I do feel that my DH is being unreasonable to expect me to sort everything AND be around the baby constantly, when he does nothing to help with the grunt work.

Why do you do everything and he does nothing?

pilates · 29/05/2023 19:34

He needs to help out more.

Lucyccfc68 · 29/05/2023 19:34

Of course you are not a shit Mum. You have a shit, lazy husband though.

VivaVivaa · 29/05/2023 19:35

He can jog on unless he is offering to do more around the home. DH and I tend to split chores as a weekend of one to one childcare is difficult after a long weekend in work. Chores can be done with the radio on and minimal mental effort. So he’ll cook dinner on Saturday, I’ll do it on Sunday. He’ll put the washing out on Saturday and I’ll clean the bathroom on Sunday etc. But if your DH doesn’t want to pick up more slack around the home then what precisely does he suggest?

ChateauMargaux · 29/05/2023 19:38

Alternate responsibility for nursery drop off and pick up with your DH so you both have at least two days at work when you can stay as long as you need and two days when you can get yourself out of the house without doing anything other than getting dressed and leaving the house - have breakfast elsewhere if necessary!!

Share the weekend chores.

Set time when you all spend time together.

KirstenBlest · 29/05/2023 19:43

When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, laundry, cooking for us and baby etc etc
and you are still doing them now.

You need to split the chores so that you both share the load.

when he does nothing to help
It's not help, it's doing his share.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2023 19:46

What does he actually want you to do? If he is offering to do more than his share so you can spend more time with the baby then ok. If he thinks you should be able to magically do all the chores and then spend 100pc of time with the baby, then why does he think housework and cooking etc isnt his equal responsibility? Or is he just proposing that no one does any chores and you live in a shit tip? What's his solution?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 19:48

Why is that the question you jump to op, rather than - is he a shit dad and a shot husband?

You both work ft, and have a toddler, and no friends, so yes, life is going to be tough.

Split the chores exactly in half, split the childcare exactky in half, calve out sone time for fun - for you, for him, for you all together.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 29/05/2023 19:57

DH has said he feels like a single parent on the weekend and thinks I do the laundry/cooking for baby/bare minimum housework to avoid the baby.

Surely the easy win/win solution here is that he does half the housework.

89redballoons · 29/05/2023 19:59

Am I missing something? Is there a way to do these tasks without missing on baby time?

Well if your DH did more of the chores you'd get more time with the baby wouldn't you?

Single parents do not have someone doing the housework and also putting their baby to bed and doing all the nursery admin during the week for them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/05/2023 20:01

At the weekend do you have time to go out with the baby?
as for chores, you can’t save them up for the whole weekend, they need to be split between you and your partner and done in the week once the baby is in bed

NEmama · 29/05/2023 20:03

He needs to do half of the jobs.

honeylulu · 29/05/2023 20:06

Well duh. Either he has baby and you do housework. Or he does housework and you have baby (but he actually has to do the housework) or you split the housework and baby care. My husband chose more housework and less child care but as they got older and easier his workload is the same and mine is easier. Tee hee. It's what he chose.

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