Am I a shit mum?

56 replies

bonnyrascal · 29/05/2023 19:22

It’s our first child. DH and I don’t have any family local to us, nor any friends. So childcare is fully down to us.

LO is about 15 months and goes to nursery. I work FT as done my DH. Both roles are demanding and, if it’s relevant, I earn more.

When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, laundry, cooking for us and baby etc etc

now I am back to work those chores are done on a weekend (I try my best to fit them in her nap times). DH has said he feels like a single parent on the weekend and thinks I do the laundry/cooking for baby/bare minimum housework to avoid the baby.

I feel hurt as I do those things otherwise: she would have no home cooked meal to eat; she would have no clean clothes to wear. I do all her bath times, bed times, make her milk, and get her ready for nursery every week day. I finish work on time every day and spend time with her before bed, before I go back to the laptop to do more work.

Am I missing something? Is there a way to do these tasks without missing on baby time? In reality, it doesn’t even take long to do these tasks and I don’t feel like I’m away from the baby for long. I even took the baby out yesterday afternoon to give DH some quiet time and offered to do the same today. I do feel that my DH is being unreasonable to expect me to sort everything AND be around the baby constantly, when he does nothing to help with the grunt work.

It has also been a difficult time adjusting to going back to work FT and trying to do it all, and I don’t think he appreciates that.

Happy to hear anyones experinces/thoughts on this. Thanks

OP posts:

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 29/05/2023 22:16

What exactly does he do while you rind around doing everything? Other than mooching on the couch and moaning? Do you not feel resentful OP?

Ginola2345 · 29/05/2023 22:19

He needs to do more. Could you also maybe relax your standards a little and or also get a cleaner and maybe a gardener or could one of you cut your days down to 4 days a week then you get some time together to do some fun stuff on a weekend. As these times are hard going but working full time and spending all weekend doing housework sounds like no life or fun for any of you. Or could he take over the last half hour of bed times to free you up to do some cleaning, meal prep on a week night so less to do on a weekend or you could alternate this.

DunkingMyDonuts · 29/05/2023 22:19

It would give me the ick too. And my privates would be shut like a steel trap to such a nasty, selfish man.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 29/05/2023 22:56

I saw something the other day which said women are expected to work like they don't have children and mother as though they have no job. It's so true

Meanwhile, men are absolutely lauded for doing a minuscule parenting task and helped out and worshipped by others if they have to do the majority of parenting for a reason. Women are reviled if they work ‘too much’ (the same amount as men) or don’t do the majority of the domestic drudgery on top of full time work (probably still more than many men).

A thread earlier mentioned a woman critically ill in hospital and how people absolutely rallied around her husband to help care for the children. As soon as the woman was home, trying to recover from the illness and surgery, everyone disappeared and she was left to it while he went back to work. Fucking depressing.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/10/2023 09:23

Lmfao
He needs to step up and pull his weight.

Other suggestions
Online shopping (make lists and automate)
It's hard because you are tired but do small jobs week nights. We hang laundry Mon, wed and Friday then fold and put away on Tue Thu sat. It means it's smaller jobs

MummytoAAandX · 07/10/2023 10:19

Both myself and my DH work ft and we have three DC. We have a cleaner (absolute godsend, would not be without her), I do the washing during the week and we get an online shop delivered on a Friday leaving the weekends free. Saying all that though myself and my DH are a team. We both take on the share of sorting the DC out, the mental load, life admin etc... I could not be with someone who saw all of this as my job. The house, children and life admin are all joint responsibilities

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