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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a shit mum?

56 replies

bonnyrascal · 29/05/2023 19:22

It’s our first child. DH and I don’t have any family local to us, nor any friends. So childcare is fully down to us.

LO is about 15 months and goes to nursery. I work FT as done my DH. Both roles are demanding and, if it’s relevant, I earn more.

When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, laundry, cooking for us and baby etc etc

now I am back to work those chores are done on a weekend (I try my best to fit them in her nap times). DH has said he feels like a single parent on the weekend and thinks I do the laundry/cooking for baby/bare minimum housework to avoid the baby.

I feel hurt as I do those things otherwise: she would have no home cooked meal to eat; she would have no clean clothes to wear. I do all her bath times, bed times, make her milk, and get her ready for nursery every week day. I finish work on time every day and spend time with her before bed, before I go back to the laptop to do more work.

Am I missing something? Is there a way to do these tasks without missing on baby time? In reality, it doesn’t even take long to do these tasks and I don’t feel like I’m away from the baby for long. I even took the baby out yesterday afternoon to give DH some quiet time and offered to do the same today. I do feel that my DH is being unreasonable to expect me to sort everything AND be around the baby constantly, when he does nothing to help with the grunt work.

It has also been a difficult time adjusting to going back to work FT and trying to do it all, and I don’t think he appreciates that.

Happy to hear anyones experinces/thoughts on this. Thanks

OP posts:
Pancakewaffle · 29/05/2023 20:06

Toottooot · 29/05/2023 19:28

Why does a 15 month old need their milk made?

Ignore this stupid comment. My DS still has milk warmed at 21 months, I don't see the issue 🤷‍♀️

Toottooot · 29/05/2023 20:11

Nothing stupid about it hun - it’s a reasonable question.

Thinkbiglittleone · 29/05/2023 20:20

I think you need to divy up your household chores and then split time with your DD.
Do a list of all chores, split them out, maybe any chores you both don't want t to do, ship out to outside help. A cleaner on a Friday afternoon and a Monday afternoon, the house is clean for the weekend and again for the week ahead. A gardener to keep on top of the lawn and weeds.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2023 20:22

he does nothing to help with the grunt work.

I don't understand how you don't see why this is an issue? You're asking if you're a shit mum rather than knowing that he is a shit partner.

I'd be telling him to choose whether he'd like to do everything alone when he has her for contact, or pitch in as a team now. Wanker.

sofapaddling · 29/05/2023 20:23

Toottooot · 29/05/2023 20:11

Nothing stupid about it hun - it’s a reasonable question.

How is it relevant in any way? Plenty of 15 months have milk (mine included)

sofapaddling · 29/05/2023 20:24

Of course you're not a shit mum. But he does need telling to pull his weight. I am in a similar boat and we ended up getting a cleaner. Still plenty of chores to be done after bedtimes/weekends but it's a small load taken off us. And splitting chores has definitely helped

PracticallyFlooredZero · 29/05/2023 20:25

If he isn’t happy looking after your DC while you do these things he needs to step up and do more around the house.

I am a stay at home mum to 3, including one very clingy baby who doesn’t let me put her down. I find it hard to get much done during the week. I find getting on with household jobs while looking after 3 kids a bit like raking leaves during a tornado. At the weekend DH usually takes them out somewhere so I can get on with everything I’ve not had a chance to do. He has never complained. He would rather spend time with the kids than cleaning, and I would rather get the jobs done than do more looking after the kids so we are both ok with the division of jobs. Obviously it’s not great we don’t get much time during the weekend together but it is how it is right now with very young kids and we make the best of it.

Id have a talk with your DH and see how you can split the tasks more evenly.

JMSA · 29/05/2023 20:27

My ex husband used to say the same about me. Maybe there was something in it though, as I was never a park fan Grin
You are definitely NOT a shit mum.

Toottooot · 29/05/2023 20:32

sofapaddling · 29/05/2023 20:23

How is it relevant in any way? Plenty of 15 months have milk (mine included)

Show quote history

It’s relevant because it doesn't seem like it’s a very time consuming job - milk in bottle - boom job done. Heating it takes seconds too. 💁🏻‍♀️

Wildflowersinthemeadow · 29/05/2023 20:36

I haven’t voted because I don’t know. There are two possible scenarios, and one is that you are run ragged shopping, cooking and cleaning and it’s unfair.

The other possibility is that you are spending a long time on tasks that aren’t actually necessary or could be shelved while your DH has the toddler. I have to admit this is one of my DHs tricks: he will find something that needs doing and it takes forever and I do feel like a single parent to be honest.

I am sympathetic to you both, it’s hard and hopefully you will find a way through it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 29/05/2023 20:44

My "D" H was like that, did no work and moaned. He is now my Ex. You are not a shit mum, he is shit husband. Dont enable him and give him a list of chores or dump him. You deserve better, you are not his maid and cook or cleaner. Dont waste your life on a lazy sod like I did.

LaDamaDeElche · 29/05/2023 20:46

What does he do?

Goldbar · 29/05/2023 21:02

Next weekend, don't lift a finger apart from to care for your DC - no meals for him, no laundry, no dishwasher, no tidying, leave all the dirty plates on the side.

Tell him on Sunday evening that you're going in early on Monday so he'll have to sort clean stuff for the nursery bag and do drop-off. And oh by the way it's all in the laundry pile needing washing and drying. And could he clean the kitchen please, you're not sure why he's let it get into such a state. Rinse and repeat until he takes responsibility for his share of tasks.

3AndStopping · 29/05/2023 21:10

Do you enjoy being a mum/spending time with your DC?

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 21:14

bonnyrascal · 29/05/2023 19:22

It’s our first child. DH and I don’t have any family local to us, nor any friends. So childcare is fully down to us.

LO is about 15 months and goes to nursery. I work FT as done my DH. Both roles are demanding and, if it’s relevant, I earn more.

When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, laundry, cooking for us and baby etc etc

now I am back to work those chores are done on a weekend (I try my best to fit them in her nap times). DH has said he feels like a single parent on the weekend and thinks I do the laundry/cooking for baby/bare minimum housework to avoid the baby.

I feel hurt as I do those things otherwise: she would have no home cooked meal to eat; she would have no clean clothes to wear. I do all her bath times, bed times, make her milk, and get her ready for nursery every week day. I finish work on time every day and spend time with her before bed, before I go back to the laptop to do more work.

Am I missing something? Is there a way to do these tasks without missing on baby time? In reality, it doesn’t even take long to do these tasks and I don’t feel like I’m away from the baby for long. I even took the baby out yesterday afternoon to give DH some quiet time and offered to do the same today. I do feel that my DH is being unreasonable to expect me to sort everything AND be around the baby constantly, when he does nothing to help with the grunt work.

It has also been a difficult time adjusting to going back to work FT and trying to do it all, and I don’t think he appreciates that.

Happy to hear anyones experinces/thoughts on this. Thanks

@bonnyrascal

why dont you have any friends op?

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/05/2023 21:15

3AndStopping · 29/05/2023 21:10

Do you enjoy being a mum/spending time with your DC?

@3AndStopping

she would probably love it a whole lot more if she had a husband who pulled his weight

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 29/05/2023 21:30

So, you’re a married single mum.

Tell him to shape up and share the household chores or you’ll be heading for divorce.

No, you’re not a shit mum as you are doing everything. He’s clearly a shit husband and father, and it’s awful that’s he resents spending time with his child on the weekend whilst watching you clean.

Pancakewaffle · 29/05/2023 21:36

Toottooot · 29/05/2023 20:11

Nothing stupid about it hun - it’s a reasonable question.

Is it though?

It's 'just' changing a nappy, 'just' getting them dressed for the day, 'just' reading them the same book one more time, 'just' fixing their dinner, 'just' packing their lunch for the next day - I could go on and on. On top of everything else and working all these little things all add up.

Invalidating the OP's feelings is not helpful, hun

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 29/05/2023 21:41

Ah, one of those. Doesn't want to take the baby on a Saturday for 2/3 hours while you clean because that's his "down time" from work, but also doesn't want to clean himself, but expects the chores to be done. By the chore fairy. Who does not exist.

Point out the flaw in his logic.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 29/05/2023 21:42

As an aside, I do most of the cleaning/cooking but DH will spend the first 3 to 4 hours on both weekend days playing with DS4 while I do it, which frankly as I already have DS on my own 2 days a week is a sanity saver.

DustyLee123 · 29/05/2023 21:46

What does he do other than work ?

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/05/2023 21:51

Why are you doing everything? Tell DH he can do half of what you do and you'll gladly have the baby when he does it.

Original poster
bonnyrascal · 29/05/2023 22:05

Thank you for the replies.

To try and answer some questions:

  • DH does very little - maybe makes dinner once or twice a week for us and will load the dishwasher, but that’s it
  • The baby likes her milk warmed up as she prefers it to cold milk but it doesn’t take long to do that, which links in to DH’s supposed irks that I am time wasting to avoid the baby
  • Yes we don’t have friends here - neither of us grew up here and I find it difficult to connect with people, but that’s a whole other thread
  • Yes I enjoy spending time with my baby. I always make an effort to do something special with her on the weekend, if just going out to lunch together and a walk

I will ask DH to share the workload between us so it is fairer and I can look after the baby while he does some chores, which seems to be his issue. However I don’t know if I will fully get over the comments he’s made about my feelings towards my baby - that I’m avoiding her. Feel like it’s given me the ick a bit.

OP posts:
thewonderfulthingabouttigger · 29/05/2023 22:11

I think I would feel like you too re the ick. Some men are shit and really don't seem to appreciate what it's like for women. I saw something the other day which said women are expected to work like they don't have children and mother as though they have no job. It's so true. What has changed for him since you carried and birthed the baby and took a year off? Not a lot by the sounds of it...he needs to pull his finger out.

Have you got a cleaner? I compress my hours into four days so I get a weekday with my toddler as well as the weekend and still have a cleaner so our time is less concentrated on jobs. But we have a four bed house and lots of pets so it requires more cleaning than if we had no pets, but appreciate it might not make as much difference to you getting a cleaner.

I think he sounds a bit resentful like he is being left holding the baby. As you've said, see how he copes being assigned chores and you can play in the garden in the sunshine instead Smile

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 29/05/2023 22:13

I'd have the ick too. But, again, he's likely saying this to guilt you into looking after the baby when you're both at home, while he cools his heels doing nothing. It's unlikely to be based on any actual observations of your behaviour.