To find life overwhelming and 'scary' (for lack of a better word)

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I feel like I get so overwhelmed and fearful about things, I'm only ever really happy when at home. I dread most things, today I woke up stressed out because I had a pedicure appointment. I felt nervous, my eye was twitching, etc. I ended up cancelling the appointment as I just couldn't face it. When I'm out I always feel nervous, and I try and tell myself to relax, breathe, look people in the eye. I feel like a nervous child, like I'm too sensitive and raw for everyday life.

I hate my job. I left and am going to start a new job in June and I'm dreading it. I'm intelligent with two degrees and a decent job and I hate it and feel myself wanting a simple job even though it means I'll be 'underemployed'. I'm on anxiety medication already and still feel this way

AIBU or do others feel like this? I don't think I'm neurodiverse, but I think there must be something

You have described perfectly how I have felt my whole adult life, and most of my childhood. Recently been starting to think about whether I have adhd or autism ; I am under a psychiatrist for treatment resistant depression but have not responded to any medication, he has labelled me treatment resistant and not even considered I am neurodivergent but the more I read about it the more it resonates. I have asked for an assessment but the dr was quite dismissive, said the waiting lists are extremely long and anyway, it is just a label and won't change anything?! Very unprofessional attitude and tbh think the NHS try to dissuade adults from having these assessments because of the waiting lists. It's very frustrating and makes you think you don't matter.

I quit uni many times before finally getting my nursing degree 5 years ago, but it took everything out of me, and as soon as I qualified I lasted 2 years before having some sort of nervous breakdown. Haven't been able to work since. Have become very reclusive and only leave the house for shopping or appointments. I don't feel like an adult, I feel like a scared child most of the time and look at everyone else going about their business, socialising, especially now it's summer and all you hear is people outside enjoying themselves with friends etc. I am anxious about bumping into the neighbours outside and even check if anyone is out there before I put my bin out. It's ridiculous. I just don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin. Everything always feels 'wrong'. I was an A grade student at school, always had my head in a book, and was the typical shy nerd. When I lost the structure of school and entered the big wide world I crumbled. So much potential wasted because of my 'issues'.

Sorry OP, went on a rant but know you are not alone and there are lots of us awkward hermits hidden away! I can't afford a private assessment for autism/adhd at the moment, but if you can then perhaps this would be worth looking into. Sometimes complex ptsd can also be a factor in feeling like this, did you go through a traumatic experience. I have ptsd from a horrendous hospital stay where I was subject to medical gaslighting, so that tipped me over the edge but that aside, I have been overwhelmed all my life. I'm sorry you are feeling like this too and wish I had something helpful to say. Sometimes knowing you are not the only one is comforting in itself ❤

So many posts here resonate with me, the OP and others. I check all's clear outside before I put out the bins too, @Backtobed13 !

OP I echo suggestions to get your anxiety meds reviewed. I'm doing well at the moment on a moderate dose of an SSRI. It has also been suggested to me many times that I should get assessed for ADHD but it feels like everyone and their dog has an ADHD diagnosis now so I feel a bit skeptical about it.

"It's like the world is too much for me"

I have said this often. It feels like I'm missing a layer of skin. Solidarity to you and to everyone else struggling with life.

You are not alone, it's very common to feel overwhelmed. It may help to have CBT or anti depressants, some are targeted at general anxiety. Also, try to simplify your life and learn to say no to invitations if they cause you anxiety. Try to go for a walk in nature every day. Be kind to yourself. Good luck.

I’m sure you’re not alone. Modern life is driving us all crazy: too many people, too many houses, too many cars, too much noise, too many flashing screens, too much bad news. I just walked to Tesco and my nerves are frazzled. God, the number of cars is staggering, and every tenth one has a souped up engine or modified exhaust that bangs and explodes. The shop was heaving, and then it’s home to my ghastly new build estate, where they’ve jammed as many rabbit hutches on top of one another as possible. Think how much quieter and calmer life was even fifty years ago, let alone a hundred.

I get what you mean about not wanting to go out. I have built a sort of hermit’s cave at home. I never read modern authors, and take no notice of things like the Booker Prize. For me, art, music and books are an escape from the modern world. So I read people like P. G. Wodehouse, Oscar Wilde, Dickens, Jane Austen, etc. I also love Sherlock Holmes and Tolkien. Same with paintings. I like 19th French artists, and also people like Burne-Jones and Waterhouse. All of it is an escape from this ghastly, noisy, crowded hell. I live in constant dread of somebody noisy moving in next door. If I had a ‘nightmare neighbour’, who was violent and made lots of noise, it would be a death sentence. I can’t afford to move, so there would be no escape.

While you are looking into ADHD or Autism spectrum also have a look at PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance.

I am this way and awaiting assessment for autism x

Snap

I hear you! I think my natural state when I have anything to do is nervous and it always has been BUT I can live with it. I assume that most people need to bungee jump off a bridge / ride a rollercoaster to get the kind of feelings I get from daily life. I figure I'm just calibrated a bit differently.

I do find that when things really matter to me I can do them - exams, driving test, job interviews. The nerves don't hold me back when something is important to me and the feeling afterwards is like walking on air!

Some things are unavoidable and in that case I have to do them despite feeling nervous / sick / shaky and accept that is how I will feel while I'm doing it. It doesn't matter too much. I assume most people don't feel sick because they are having their hair cut but I do. I also know that I won't feel sick when I leave the salon afterwards.

I assume with anxiety the feeling is more of a constant state and if that was how I felt all the time then I would seek help. In my case I get nervous about an awful lot of things most people take in their stride and I feel absolutely sick with nerves a lot of the time but I know exactly why I feel like it and it always goes away afterwards.

I also find when I have days off with no plans (like today), I kind of collapse from the lack of routine. I find it hard to motivate myself to do basic things like get a shower, get dressed and prepare a meal. I don't know if letting myself have these kind of days is good for me as a form of rest, or whether it signifies depression. I really can't seem to cope with normal adult life, I swing between collapse (like today) and overwhelm (like on Sunday). I feel like I've only been able to cope with my full-time job by toeing a very fine line and being really cautious and careful and having to take sick days for my mental health.

I think it's interesting a lot of mentioning how modern life is overwhelming, it seems like the prevalence of autism and ADHD is increasing, which I presumed was due to better awareness, but I'm wondering if it's modern life just highlighting a certain subset of the population who are neurodivergent and are more sensitive to the increase in demands and stimuli there is in modern life. I hope that doesn't sound offensive, I have autistic siblings so completely understand autism is more than just that.

You’re exactly like me from your description
also, if you have autistic sibling(s) the chances of you also being autistic are naturally very high anyway since autism is genetic.

Are your autistic siblings brothers op? All 3 of my dc are autistic - 2 boys and a girl - it took everyone a lot longer to spot it in dd.

All of your posts suggest autism to me - have a look into how it tends to present in women.

Yes, they are brothers. I was always the helpful one who just coped with things growing up as my parents didn't really have enough time or energy to worry about me too, as my brothers struggled in mainstream school and needed and still need a lot of extra support.

I've been researching about autism in women and a lot of it resonates. Nearly everything to be honest, the only thing that doesn't is I don't think I have any sensory difficulties.

I'm in my 20s and genuinely don't know how I'm going to cope in normal adult life. Inside I feel about 12.

I don't meant the above to be a dig at my parents btw, I just fell into the role of being the Good Helpful Daughter, they still gave me love and attention. I was very shy as a child but no teachers or anything spotted anything else to suggest I was neurotypical

I mostly feel like this I find it all overwhelming work, kids, constant school stuff, activities, trying to keep a nice home. I get anxious about everything I have to do and overtime it all. Then I feel bad that I'm not just doing it with ease like everyone else seems to.

Glad autism came up, I got diagnosed with autism mid-30s and life for me felt a lot like you describe before diagnosis.

The problem with avoidance is it just feeds anxiety.

I think it's fine to give yourself a break when you're feeling overwhelmed and burnt out but making excuses and avoiding things does t help
anxiety in the long run.

Have a watch of the Christine McGuinness documentaries if you haven’t already, they offer a really interesting insight into girls and women with autism x

It really seems like you are neurodivergent. It’s hard to come to any other conclusion based on what you have said.

I struggle so much with life admin/personal executive functioning. "Doing the mail" is the worst for me, though personal dentist appointments and getting my car worked on can be quite a challenge. Having to call people on the phone about anything to do with the house, or the bills is also so hard, I will put stuff off forever to avoid it, even when it's detrimental.

I have a high level job where I have to maintain extreme motivation and organization that I have no trouble with. It really gets me down about myself!

If I am neurodiverse it does help, as it provides a framework to help me understand my behaviours and I guess have more compassion for myself. But that's it. There's no medication for autism (I'm already on anti-anxiety medication), there's no help. I'm still young and yet already feel exhausted from life. I'm due to start a new job soon and don't feel able to at all, I feel like I can't cope with basic demands let alone a new job.

Alongside the Christine McGuiness documentary (and the Chris Packham one - especially the first episode), I also recommend these two excellent books:

Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder - Sarah Hendrickx

Spectrum Women - Barb Cook (and others)

Both have lots of examples of lived experience of autistic women.

There is also a Radio 4 programme with Holly Smale (Geek Girl author) which is worth listening to.

What should help is understanding yourself - if you are ND and have spent your whole life feeling like a 'rubbish' NT person, then diagnosis will feel like a weight has lifted. You can then start to live in a way that suits you without feeling the pressure of trying to be like a NT person. The difference in my dd was astonishing - she went from suicidal to being increasingly happy and confident in who she is.

I think it sounds as if a lot of your anxiety is related to work or feeling like you’re supposed to be doing something or going to a pre-arranged appointment. At various times in my life I have felt similarly. But then something happened, I think I purposefully stopped caring, and behaved in an almost hedonistic way. I think sometimes the performative nature of being professional or “normal” is a lot of effort. Maybe embracing what you love more could help. A friend of mine makes her own elaborate hats and wears them to work every day, she’s very educated in a professional role, and her quirkiness is valued, it makes people happy. It could be just a simple deliberate loosening up which could solve the anxiety. Could some acting classes help? Or something else?

This thread is being so incredibly helpful, I can't even explain!

I definitely feel like I spend most of my social energy on knowing how to act. I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out the rules. At work for example, I change how I type based on who I'm talking to - whether I write with perfect grammar, or more casual, whether I use emojis. I remember when I was younger (maybe 7ish) I would only allow myself to admit to liking things that the popular girls liked. I'm a complete chameleon depending on who I'm with. I used to love working nightshifts in my early 20s as I'd get so tired that I'd become so much more relaxed and disinhibited. I felt like I was acting like myself for once.

I'm not sure if it's autism, or inattentive ADHD, or both, or neither. I found this list and relate to nearly everything: https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

The only thing is I don't relate to is I love being in crowded, loud and busy places. It really energises me. I also don't think I have any special interests, but I get times when I get obsessed with things but they soon pass. Last week I set up an Etsy shop selling digital products, it was all I could think about and I'd be up until 3am designing digital planners etc to sell. This week I couldn't care less and have considered deleting my account.

I think it could be worth seeking assessment for your own peace of mind.

Autism, ADHD, ocd etc are all often cormobid conditions. I assume that one day we will have different and better labels for all the facets of neurodiversity (and hopefully better ways of "diagnosing" them which don't rely on personal assessments). As such I try not to get too caught up in the identify of the label and more what it means in a practical sense right now. For me that means more self-compassion, understanding and help with workplace accommodations.

In terms of loving crowds, I'm pretty sure that some people with sensory processing disorders "seek out" some sensory experiences, just like others hide from them.

I do the obsession thing too. I've tried and dropped so many hobbies and the thing is that at the time they are all-consuming, sincere "I'm certain that I will love and be obsessed with this forever" feelings. I have wasted SO much money on things like wool, paints, ingredients, books, tools, fabrics, materials, exercise equipment, an allotment - you'd think I'd learn but no....