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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect support for my work from dh even if we don't need the money from it - I find it fulfilling

70 replies

SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 12:39

My dh is quite happy for me to work but if there are any problems which make my working life difficult he says that I work by choice not for financial necessity so he won't be supportive.

So for example if I'm ill and lose my work time then it's just tough - he gets annoyed if I complain about this given I'm working by choice. In this scenario he doesn't want to really hear me complaining if I have to them catch up with lost time in the evenings. I'm not even asking him to do extra chores to make up for it.

I'm a well qualified person with my dream job and love my work. I do see his point and certainly if I were whingeing all the time it would be annoying but I think he's being unfairly dismissive of how important my work is to me in terms of general fulfillment.

AIBU (again!?)

OP posts:

LadybirdG · 20/02/2008 12:46

No, YANBU, tell him he's being an arse

titchy · 20/02/2008 12:49

God no you're not!!! And what's with the 'dh is quite happy for me to work' - since when did you need him to be happy with it - you don't need his permission!

Why don't you turn it around and say that because you work then the equivalent amount of your salary that he takes home is financially unecessary, which equates to his last two hours a day (or whatever it works out as) of work being unecessary financially, therefore if things go tits up for him at 4.30 you have no sympathy cos he doesnt need to be working then!

Carmenere · 20/02/2008 12:51

My dp is a bit like that, little does he know of the stark raving looney he would be living with if I didn't have my work to keep me sane.
YANBU

stuffitllama · 20/02/2008 12:57

What a meanie. I have lots of interests which bring in no money and in fact cost money (of course) and also involve extra chores and childcare for dh. But he would think it odd to resent and undermine them, because I support what he does. If it was work, the same. Isn't he pleased you're valued outside the home? Maybe he's got something else on his mind, this sounds very unpartnership-ish.

hatwoman · 20/02/2008 13:03

is there a huge difference in your salaries? if not then why is it your work that's unnecessary and not his?

sadly, I expect there probably is. and I am in that situation too. in fact taking into account childcare my net contribution to the house coffers is bugger all - not because of the money but because of the fundamental inequality - on so many fronts.

however financial neccesity is, if you think about it, the bottom of the barrel when it comes to reasons to work.you've already identified personal fulfillment - an excellent reason to work; also there is the example you're setting your kids; there is the contribition you're making to society (again I'm making massive guesses here but I strongly suspect your work is far from useless) and - if you are making a financial contribution - then there's the slightly nicer family holidays or savings for the kids.

further to being bottom of the barrel as a reason to work financial worth is a staggeringly crap reason to support your partner in life. what happened to supporting you in your dreams and general happiness? or just becaseu you've had a crap day?

your dh is being short-sighted in the extreme.

Lazylou · 20/02/2008 13:07

I am experiencing something similar atm with DH. We went through a very brief split and now we are working together to try and get back on track. The reason for the split was finances. I am pg and unable to find work to match my qualifications, so I have taken a part time bar job partly to ease the stress and also to get me out of the house occasionally.

When we were going through our split, my parents were wonderful and would have DD at the drop of a hat. Now we are back together, it is a struggle getting them to have her, but they do both work full time so I am understanding of this. I have tried to explain to DH that my little job gives me time to be me, rather than mummy, plus it is helping him financially as he doesn't feel he has to pay for everything. The money is crap, but it is better than nothing. I have asked him to come home early twice this week as I have been offered loads of shifts which will earn me about £150. His job is flexible so he can come and go as he pleases, but refuses on the grounds that he can potentially earn more than me.

So, as a result, I have had to forego 2 shifts this week and it pisses me off. In one breath he is saying we need the help and then in the other, refuses to be helpful so I can go and do these things. It is so annoying, plus I feel that I am letting my boss down by keep chopping and changing shifts.

So, no YANBU. Your DH should be more supportive of you, after all you are not just a wife and mother. Why don't these men understand that?

DH was one for me staying at home and doing housewifery. He got told bollocks and I went off to college and work and trained as a nursery nurse. Gave me something to do, was something I wanted to do. Again, he wasn't very supportive, because I 'wanted DD' (he was given the choice - stay or go) and apparently, the man is supposed to be the breadwinner. You have my total sympathy.

RubySlippers · 20/02/2008 13:13

so, what happens to the money you earn?

does it help with the bills etc, building up savings?

I think your DH is being ridiculous - perhaps he defines himself by his job/being a breadwinner etc

oranges · 20/02/2008 13:24

christ on a bike. why don't you tell these guys where to get off? if there was ever an argument to make sure women never become sahms, and should always keep up your own career, this is it. this is nasty and bullying, to be honest.

titchy · 20/02/2008 13:31

Uh oh I feel a Xenia thread....
[duck..]

TheFallenMadonna · 20/02/2008 13:32

Blimey.

I'm studying part time, so spending money, not earning it, and DH is very supportive. And does pretty much everything in the house come exam time.

I did do some exam marking last year, and he wasn't massively keen on that because he thought it was too little money for too much work and not worth my time. And TBH I did agree. However, he still took the children out of the way, did the cooking and wahing and all my clerical checks for me, despite his opinion of the actual work. Because he is supportive of me, if not underpaying exam boards...

duchesse · 20/02/2008 13:36

Good god, no, YANBU. He's being an arse. What century is he living in?

Why should you be more supportive of him working than he of you?

Tell him MN says he's an arse. Failing that, dump him for a Homo Sapiens version. (only slightly tongue in cheek).

Bramshott · 20/02/2008 13:38

SS - I can imagine where you're coming from.

My DH, while he would say that he supports me working and is happy for me to do so, I think deep down is only happy about it when it doesn't inconvenience him or impact on him in any way. So if I am very stressed, or if I need to work hours which mean he has to take on more childcare, then although he wouldn't ever say anything, I know it 'niggles'.

However, on the other side, I think he feels a great pressure to 'provide' as his salary brings in 80% of the money to our family, and I'm not sure that's a nice way to feel either!

Nothing's easy when you have kids is it!!

GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 13:50

Oh good god no, YANBU! This isn't the dark ages.

In a nutshell, his attitude seems to be that he is happy for you to work and be fulfilled, but only for so long as it doesn't mean he has to make compromises/be inconvenienced and provided you never forget his work is more important than yours because he earns more and therefore all compromising and juggling should be down to you?

Does he want you to stay at home and turn into a toxic wife?

Original poster

SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 13:53

I am really getting tempted to show him this thread.

To clarify:

he is happy for me to work just not to complain ever no matter what about anything to do with my work(and believe me I'm dealing with a lot of general sh*t at the moment that has totally messed my work life up - I work 3 mornings a week and have lost nearly all of that to medical appointments for the last few weeks so then have to work in the evenings despite really needing a rest but NO I'm not allowed to complain as I CHOOSE to work)

I earn a tiny fraction of his salary and my earnings really are 'extra money'. Even if I worked full time I'd earn a fraction of what he does. I am grateful that I don't have to work and that we are so financially secure and have told him that.

perhaps I could have carried on in my old career and earned a more significant chunk of family income but it was a job that was totally incompatible with family life (lots of working away, extremely unpredictable long hours). I was very happy to give that career up though so am not playing a martyr.

my working totally keeps me sane. I found being a full time SAHM was not for and beyond that I've been lucky/ worked hard to set myself up in my dream job so want to keep it that way.

ARGH!

This is the second time recently that this issue has come up with dh and frankly I'm a bit miffed about it - he treats my work as a hobby and has actually said as much.

OP posts:

RibenaBerry · 20/02/2008 13:54

I LOVE Titchy's suggestion. Or you could do it by days "Well, because I work, Thursday and Friday are financially unnecessary, so you only get support Monday to Wednesday". Then follow through!

YANBU!

bossykate · 20/02/2008 13:56

i think if there is a vast disparity in earning power, and the one doing the providing is not necessarily happy with their lot, then the other partner's job can seem like an enjoyable hobby by comparison.

bossykate · 20/02/2008 13:58

it takes a lot of effort to keep two jobs and a family going, and if one job isn't actually necessary i can see how that could cause resentment.

bossykate · 20/02/2008 13:59

what support are you actually looking for from him? what do you want him to do or not do?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 20/02/2008 13:59

YANBU - you working means security for both of you, even if right now it looks like there's no need.

Original poster

SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 13:59

Yes BK - I think that is a fair point. I guess his life would be easier if I didn't work at all and I was a SAHM.

OP posts:

GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 14:00

Show him it!

Your DH clearly equates importance in your relationship on a strictly balance sheet basis. SS'sDH = ££££££ Savescrabulous = £, so scrabulous = less important partner. Don't let him undermine you and your enjoyment of a job you love. Lots of people people are miserable in their career. Does your DH adore his work as much as you do?

oranges · 20/02/2008 14:01

the problem with thinking that one person doesn't HAVE to work and so it's okay to stop, is that the man will always end up earning more and more, and it becomes harder for the woman to ever justify going back to work. the equality has to start somewhere.

GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 14:01

" guess his life would be easier if I didn't work at all and I was a SAHM."

ahhh, but would you be as happy in yourself?

RubySlippers · 20/02/2008 14:02

all extra money is good IMO!

your work is not a hobby because you earn less

his life may be easier if you were a SAHM, but i would think you would be pretty damn miserable and resentful of him

Anna8888 · 20/02/2008 14:07

Agree with BossyKate.

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