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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect support for my work from dh even if we don't need the money from it - I find it fulfilling

70 replies

SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 12:39

My dh is quite happy for me to work but if there are any problems which make my working life difficult he says that I work by choice not for financial necessity so he won't be supportive.

So for example if I'm ill and lose my work time then it's just tough - he gets annoyed if I complain about this given I'm working by choice. In this scenario he doesn't want to really hear me complaining if I have to them catch up with lost time in the evenings. I'm not even asking him to do extra chores to make up for it.

I'm a well qualified person with my dream job and love my work. I do see his point and certainly if I were whingeing all the time it would be annoying but I think he's being unfairly dismissive of how important my work is to me in terms of general fulfillment.

AIBU (again!?)

OP posts:
Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 14:10

I would be very miserable indeed!

He loves his job too so really can't complain. He wouldn't really complain even if he didn't like it as he just doesn't do complaining.

OP posts:
bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:12

SS, I'm not quite sure what you want from him? I think if he is happy in his job, he has no reason to resent yours unless it is hugely inconvenient for him and you said he doesn't get e.g. extra housework to do because you work. Perhaps it is just simple sexism in his case?

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:13

i am coming across as though i think all women should sah here! that is not what i think at all!

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:15

and i do think housework should be shared fairly regardless of who earns what!

margoandjerry · 20/02/2008 14:16

Hugely inconvenient for one partner in a marriage to have a life that they want to have when the other one does what he wants to do anyway? WFT?

I would expect my partner to inconvenience himself to support my life and my choices just as I would do for him (hypothetical btw - no such man exists )

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 14:16

BK I suppose initially I wanted general moral support and recognition that I was having a tough time juggling all my medical stuff and work.

Now it's turned into a bigger issue that he clearly does not respect my work which is so important to me but he just sees it as a hobby.

OP posts:
margoandjerry · 20/02/2008 14:16

Oh and WFT is my new swear phrase!

It's a sort of shakespearean version of WTF

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:17

well margoandjerry, i do/have been the major earner by a large factor and no i don't expect dh's job to cause me horrible inconvenience, nor mine to inconvenience him.

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:19

e.g. if he were to work away from home all the time i would be majorly pissed off. and i wouldn't expect him to be thrilled if the tables were turned.

margoandjerry · 20/02/2008 14:20

But wouldn't it be easier for us all to have a partner willing to stay at home to DEAL with everything? (money permitting of course).

If you both work, one of you has to be prepared to do the caring on their own every time there's a business trip or a late night in the office or an early start. It's inconvenient but it's what you do for the person you support, love and agreed to go into a shared endeavour (children) with.

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:20

anyway, back to the point.

SS, have you sat him down and had a talk? it does sound as though he is being unreasonable.

margoandjerry · 20/02/2008 14:21

And the "Inconvenience" here seems to be that the OP is not a permanently sunny stepford wife.

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:22

margoandjerry, yes of course it would! my male peers pretty much all have sah wives.

i agree with your second paragraph - however i do think that the inconvenience has to be kept within reasonable, mutually agreed bounds.

bossykate · 20/02/2008 14:23

margoandjerry, wind it in will you?

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 14:29

Yes BK - def need to have a talk with him - not mid argument which is when the subject has come up so far.

Suspect that dh's colleagues all do have SAHW/Ms so herein might lie the problem.

My work doesn't inconvenience him at all normally - I've never asked him to do extra chores/ looking after ds for it. To be fair he did offer to look after ds a few hours this weekend so I could catch up on my deadline which is great (note he is very happy to look after ds and very involved so it isn't some chore for him a la old fashioned dads).

Overall I think I will try and tackle the general lack of respect he seems to have for my work/ help him understand how very important it is to me and that very occasionally even if it is optional it still causes me a bit of stress if I can't do my normal working hours e.g. due to illness. And I should be 'allowed' to mention that without being told that he doesn't want to hear such complaints!

He is doing my head in at the moment (have been told to expect a miscarriage after initially being pregnant following IVF and he says he will give practical support if I'm in pain or discomfort but can't/ won't provide emotional support in advance of this?! WTF But that's another thread....

I guess he just thinks I'm a bit of a whinger.

OP posts:
GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 14:31

My old boss (female) used to shout "I need a f*cking WIFE!" all the other male senior managers had a SAHW at their beck and call.

But, i think the OP's point is not so much her DH wanting his dinner on the table and a SAHW to pick up his dry cleaning, but the lack respect accorded to her and her job in the relationship. She is not allowed to say "Jeez, I've had a crap day" because to her DH SS's job is not important. It's how to get her DH to realise that although less financially lucrative, her enjoyment and commitment are the worthy of respect.

GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 14:32

SS - sorry, we crossed posts.

Iklboo · 20/02/2008 14:32

Sorry - what kind of husband doesn't provide emotional support?
YOu can bet your bits he'd want emotional support from you for something HE was worried about.

Thank ALL my lucky stars DH is a kind, loving & supportive bloke.

BirdyArms · 20/02/2008 14:33

You need to talk to him. I do think that general moral support is something that men (and maybe women too) aren't very good at. It would be much easier if you had specific things that you need to him to do, my dh is very reasonable if I want him to agree to a specific point, eg getting home in time for the nanny x days per week, but on general support he is not much good. Are there any specific things that he could do to make things better?

TheFallenMadonna · 20/02/2008 14:33

Is this actually about your job at all?

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 14:33

Exactly Gryffin - you've put that much more succinctly than I managed!

He's pretty good at not making me feel guilty about the washing staying in the laundry baskets for ages/ eating ready meals etc!

OP posts:
GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 14:35

"....he says he will give practical support if I'm in pain or discomfort but can't/ won't provide emotional support in advance of this?!"

but maybe that is you DH's problem? Does he want you to give up work and put your feet up because he blames your miscarriage on doing too much? Is his dismissal of a job you love not badly expressed concern for your health?

margoandjerry · 20/02/2008 14:36

"margoandjerry, wind it in will you?"

Ummm. Why? I haven't said anything unreasonable.

GryffinGirl · 20/02/2008 14:37

or to put it another way SS...

your DH thinks "Don't work, you don't need to do it for the money, you have been unwell" and by undermining your job he can get you to take it easy.

Original poster
SaveScrabulous · 20/02/2008 14:40

Problem I think is dh doesn't HAVE many emotions so doesn't understand mine.

OP posts: