to expect support for my work from dh even if we don't need the money from it - I find it fulfilling

[SaveScrabulous]

My dh is quite happy for me to work but if there are any problems which make my working life difficult he says that I work by choice not for financial necessity so he won't be supportive.

So for example if I'm ill and lose my work time then it's just tough - he gets annoyed if I complain about this given I'm working by choice. In this scenario he doesn't want to really hear me complaining if I have to them catch up with lost time in the evenings. I'm not even asking him to do extra chores to make up for it.

I'm a well qualified person with my dream job and love my work. I do see his point and certainly if I were whingeing all the time it would be annoying but I think he's being unfairly dismissive of how important my work is to me in terms of general fulfillment.

AIBU (again!?)

SS, sweetie, i think you have bigger problems than his attitude to your job! i do think a serious chat is in order.

pretty sure it isn't him blaming my work for the m/c

i think that is a really common issue SS - the emotions thing. I always say to DH i do enough emoting for the two of us

i would be more concerned about his comments about the miscarriage TBH

think there sounds like there is a lot more to it

i think a calm discussion tonight is in order

He won't offer you emotional support for work/stress issues. He won't offer you emotional support for an impending miscarriage. Does he offer you any emotional support for anything?

And if not, is that the main issue here? If he doesn't seem to be terribly interested in you as a person with emotional needs, just you as a person with financial needs or physical/medical needs, that seems likely to cause a lot of resentment.

SS - I didn't mean your DH blames your work for the mc. Perhaps post mc and the emotional and physical trauma of it for you, he is expressing his worry for you/your health by undermining your job? His view is that you don't have to work for family finances, so he is trying to put you off working and stressing youeself out (as he sees it). He maybe wants you not to work for now. What he hasn't considered (perhaps) is that you are so fulfilled by your job.

but so as you take it easy?

To the person who posted that after childcare costs their contribution to the household finances was very very small. Can I just say that you are looking at this from the wrong perspective.

If both parents work, the childcare costs are not yours alone, they are a joint cost of you both working. The government acknowledges/recognises this fact by giving 2 lots of tax relief on childcare vouchers, one for each parent.

If you died tomorrow, your dh would still have to pay childcare costs in order to continue working so they are just as much his costs as yours (if you both work).

erm no Port he doesn't really 'do' emotional support.

So it may not be about your working at all, by the sound of it? He's got a good logical reason for not giving you emotional support for anything and this is just another example?

Yes I suppose so.

fedupwasherwoman - not the "wrong" perspective, a "different" perspective.

There are many ways of allocating costs - ABC anyone?

If you are thinking in terms of marginal income from a second salary, it is very appropriate to think of it in terms of:

Gross additional income
less taxes
less additional costs incurred by second person working (eg childcare, cleaner, second car, work clothing etc)
= net additional income

Unfortunately, for many couples, the net additional income generated is so low that it hardly makes the loss of time with children and additional stress of having two wage earners worthwhile.

No one has a job for life any more, tell your dh, SaveScrabulous.

Until recently I was a SAHM - almost, except for a very tiny amount of paid work and some unpaid voluntary work. Then my dh was made redundant, and because I had kept my hand in, I was able to get references and move into a reasonably well-paid job suitable for my qualifications.

Had I been a total SAHM, I suspect we would be now in even deeper sh*t financially and I might have to have taken the first McJob to come along.

Your dh is being shortsighted as well as selfish.

Oh I've just seen all the stuff about the m/c and general emotional support. There's a lot more to this one than just the division of labour in your relationship, but what I've said about employment still stands.

Trust me Anna I know about the sums and UK taxation bands etc.

It still doesn't alter the fact that if both parents work before and after baby arrives, the childcare costs should be considered as joint costs. The childcare costs are to taken on by the couple to enable them both to continue with their working lives although this is probably more relevant for "careers" rather than "jobs".

I know that a lot of SAHP partners do so because they earned a lot less than their partners to start with but I do think that factoring in the whole of the childcare costs against their own salaries leads to this decision without consideration as to the long term cost of not keeping up a pension contribution history or a just not keeping foot in the workplace which can have hugely detrimental financial consequences in the long run.

The hidden financial consequences of being a SAHP are generally felt most painfully when unexpected early death of the working parent or divorce happens.

Gosh I'm sounding like Xenia aren't I ?

You have my sympathy SS re having a dh who is not great at emotional support. My dh is great in lots of other ways but this is definitely not his forte. I find it's much easier if I try to accept this and try not to hold him responsible for my emotional well-being, but easier said than done.

Do explain to him how you are feeling and give him specific examples of things that he has said or done that have upset you. It sounds like he could definitely try harder. His attitude isn't reasonable but it comes from quite a logical viewpoint, I think that he needs it spelling out to him how this is making you feel.

Hi
Birdy - I've known dh long enough now to know he is just naturally not good at this kind of thing too. I guess I just would expect a little support even if it isn't his forte.

You have practically taken words out of his mouth from previous conversations - he doesn't want to be responsible for my emotional wellbeing. That said, I still think there is a minimum level of emotional support that partners should provide each other in a healthy relationship. I accept him for who he is to a point in that he isn't a cuddly emotionally responsive person but this only goes so far I suppose.

Anyway I've drifted off the point of my OP!

Grrrrrr.

Sorry Savescrabulous, haven't read the whole thread, but this is so like my DH. I have a great career, and have returned from maternity leave last month, but am still on annual leave. I am studying for a promotion board which is next Tuesday. I don't have any childcare for today, so told DH as soon as he got home from work I would need to start studying. My selfish twat of a DH has just got back, having been at the gym after work!!!!!!! On my time.

He simply does not equate our careers as being the same. This is like me dropping the kids off to his office whilst I pop to the gym!

Same as when I do work from home, he calls me downsatirs to change DS's nappy. WTF!

Anyway, I hope I haven't hi-jacked your thread. I am off to do some work, although I am almost too angry to breathe, let alone concentrate.

Bluesky - that is so rubbish - why on earth couldn't he change the nappy!?

Had a chat with dh and kind of resolved this. He insists he does think my work is important (well that's what he's saying now).

re the M/c situation - now I have been told I might have an ectopic (although only a possibility) so he is finally being a bit more supportive. No hugs though ha ha. That would be asking too much.

Bloody men.

Maybe it's more the complaining? If he thinks that's a bad thing to do, then it may be more his disapproval of that? I remember being annoyed about something at work and going on about it a bit, and dh saying that I should do something else (gave me lots of silly suggestions of other jobs I could do). All I was looking for was a generally supportive response (in fact maybe a hug or just vague interest). I am the higher earner in our family and take my career quite seriously, but dh really is of the "if it's not working out do something else" school - he's walked out of two jobs. Whereas sometimes I just want to get things off my chest - I'm not looking for a solution, just sympathy! I have heard that it's quite a male thing though to not know what to say if there is nothing they can actually do.

My DH is rubbish at emotional things too,so I understand that completely.I don't think this makes him a bad husband though,surely no one's husband is perfect in every way??!!
He earns in a month what I earn in a year. I only work 10 hrs a week and he is supportive of this.He has had to help with childcare in the past when I worked weekends,but now my job hardly impinges on his life at all, and I am sure he is more than happy with this!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2724/481364?ts=1203542155642

argh - he is so rubbish at this emotional support cr*p - see my other thread