AIBU to say if I can’t work from home, I can’t work at all?

[CantGetAWFHJob]

Background:

2 DCs with disabilities - DC1 is a young adult but needs support getting up and out of the house (or they won’t). Also needs someone to be at home when they come in. Attends outreach education 3 half days a week and also has regular psychologist and other appointments that I need to be at home for, bad MH with previous self harming so can’t be left alone for long periods. Currently going through an extremely stressful 18 month court battle to get a specialist residential provision which won’t conclude until July and unlikely we will win. Not ready for supported living yet.

DC2 is an almost teen, had a shock diagnosis last year of a life threatening. life long condition. I need to be close by due to this for my own peace of mind and also for any emergencies (low risk but still). DC has been struggling with it understandably as still new diagnosis and also has side effects and low immune system so lots of illnesses and lots of time out of school. Very draining as have to be on top of it 24/7, lots of ups and downs and often disturbed sleep due to alarms going off as needs treating. TBH just can’t sleep a lot of the time as terrified will sleep through alarms which could be fatal for DC. Also has had massive impact on my long standing anxiety disorder which will be further affected if I feel like I can’t get to him if needed (2nd child died at birth from rare lethal abnormality which was only picked shortly before birth).

DH works very long hours and too far away to be of any help during the day.

I had a part time WFH job which I resigned from 4 months ago. Worked really well with minimal disruption due to DC. If hospital or home appt came up, I’d change my hours with agreement, work in evenings etc.

Had a an issue with close work colleague though who was a nightmare and didn’t do her share of the work (shared role)so I ended up being very stressed and working over my hours as very heavy workload and complaints from senior management it wasn’t being completed in time frames. I was part time, she was full time. It was a blatant pisstake and there were other issues as well as her not doing the work.

I put up with this for over a year as needed WFH as well as dealing with education court case and younger DC’s new diagnosis which hit me for 6 - only took 2 days off while DC in hospital.

I asked manager to intervene several times and was told that we’d both have to work in the office so they could oversee workload if I thought there was an issue. They couldn’t tell her to and not me apparently. Office was 5 mins walking distance from my house when I started but moved 30 mins drive away a few months later. Colleague couldn’t drive so I was asked to drive her in by management. I only did it once and got no thank you. She even left me waiting outside her house for 5 minutes and got in my car without apologising.

Colleague was pestering me to go full time so she could part time even pointing out jobs for me. Last straw was when I requested the workload be checked and they said I was doing the same amount of work as her after leaving me hanging for a month. I resigned as it was also affecting my MH and later raised a grievance which triggered a full investigation and was upheld. I was responding to double the amount of emails and tasks as she was despite working 2 days a week less!

I’ve now been looking for another remote role for 4 months. and am just not getting anywhere despite lots of interest in my CV and interviews. Keep getting to 2nd interview stage then ‘tough decision but it’s we’ve given it to someone else’. I’m early 50’s so age could be a factor.

Finances are now an issue. DH thinks I should take a full time office job and let older DC sort themselves out, take time off for appointments etc! What about when youngest off school? Been called to pick them up numerous times since diagnosis as feeling unwell.

Who’s being UR?

My impression is that the OP means the diabetes is the disability, but I may be reading that wrong?

I understand that the OP is meaning that diabetes is the disability for the second child.

If you go on to actually read the diabetic child does not have any disabilties.

I read it as the eldest has MH problems and the youngest has diabetes. I don't see any other disabilities mentioned.

YANBU to tell your DH that one of you must WFH due to the DCs disabilities.

It’s either that or you budget for a carer to come in while you are both at work.

It’s not an acceptable risk to leave them alone, I agree with you 100%.

i read it as in the OP it was a catalogue of issues covering life threatening conditions, self-harm, one can’t be left alone for long periods, the other the OP just always be available for and so on and so on

I read the follow ups (when we asked if would tell the employer her situation and how she actually experienced
to do and work, … as the OP saying well actually it’s not that serious afterall and what’s the big deal, neither need much supervision afterall

Do try to keep in touch with your ex-employer. Maybe your colleague won’t last long there and there may be room for you to return

I never wuite understand these posts of just leave and get a new job that does x or y.

When you leave a job where you had a pension and a lot of seniority and you start new somewhere else, there are many risks to that. Being new and junior puts you at the bottom of the pile when it comes to lay offs, you are usually paid less if you just had to find a job with certain hours and took what was avaialble, you usualy have less vacation days when you first start in a new role and you have lost the stability of seniority (as well as often benefits and financial aspects of stopping a pension before retirement).

Just getting a new job with hours of 8-4 Monday to Friday could lead to many, many major issues that are much bigger problems in the long run then not doing 50% of all school drop offs and pick ups and sick days.

OK, so there are a lot of challenges here, in your situation.
Can you potentially look at hybrid roles? For example, I work in a University in Professional Services (so, non academic), and in my team, if you're FT, you are in 1-2 days per week; PT 1 day per week.
If you broadened your search for that type of role, you could ask them their expectation of office days/shifts. Many people work more flexibly now, and need to manage things around their work day.

I have one member of my team who works at home for an hour in the AM, then gets her kids out to school/daycare, and comes in for about 09:30. She then leaves around 15:00, and will do time once they are in bed, should she have hours to catch up on. As long as work doesn't have to be student facing and immediate, maybe something like that might work for you.

Good luck with your search.

It is onetime hard when they are that age and will secretly ignore their responsibilities as a diabetic. My friends DC had her pump removed because they were not doing what they need to do and they had to wait a certain amount of time before approved to try again. But after that time period they have been very good at taking care of themselves and have been able to live on their own and travel. Meanwhile, my friend did keep working full time during all of this. If your husband can take turns with any night problems, you should be fine to work.

Ignore that random "onetime" . Weird auto correct I guess?

Sorry OP, I just read that your dh can't really help at night due to distance and time. I hope you can find a work from home job. Good luck.

The point being you singled out someone as having a protected characteristic when you do too - like everyone else! You now mention about her personality - now that is a separate issue.

Someone being ‘vocal’ about their protected characteristic wouldn’t mean they can’t be disciplined. And in practice, there’s even evidence in the NHS for example to show POC for instance are more likely to face disciplinary proceedings with more severe consequences for the same infractions than their white colleagues. Similar studies have shown this pattern is reflected across a broad range of organisations. But hey I guess they just need to be vocal now and not only that they won’t face anymore discrimination but they will actually receive favourable treatment 🙄