AIBU to say if I can’t work from home, I can’t work at all?

[CantGetAWFHJob]

Background:

2 DCs with disabilities - DC1 is a young adult but needs support getting up and out of the house (or they won’t). Also needs someone to be at home when they come in. Attends outreach education 3 half days a week and also has regular psychologist and other appointments that I need to be at home for, bad MH with previous self harming so can’t be left alone for long periods. Currently going through an extremely stressful 18 month court battle to get a specialist residential provision which won’t conclude until July and unlikely we will win. Not ready for supported living yet.

DC2 is an almost teen, had a shock diagnosis last year of a life threatening. life long condition. I need to be close by due to this for my own peace of mind and also for any emergencies (low risk but still). DC has been struggling with it understandably as still new diagnosis and also has side effects and low immune system so lots of illnesses and lots of time out of school. Very draining as have to be on top of it 24/7, lots of ups and downs and often disturbed sleep due to alarms going off as needs treating. TBH just can’t sleep a lot of the time as terrified will sleep through alarms which could be fatal for DC. Also has had massive impact on my long standing anxiety disorder which will be further affected if I feel like I can’t get to him if needed (2nd child died at birth from rare lethal abnormality which was only picked shortly before birth).

DH works very long hours and too far away to be of any help during the day.

I had a part time WFH job which I resigned from 4 months ago. Worked really well with minimal disruption due to DC. If hospital or home appt came up, I’d change my hours with agreement, work in evenings etc.

Had a an issue with close work colleague though who was a nightmare and didn’t do her share of the work (shared role)so I ended up being very stressed and working over my hours as very heavy workload and complaints from senior management it wasn’t being completed in time frames. I was part time, she was full time. It was a blatant pisstake and there were other issues as well as her not doing the work.

I put up with this for over a year as needed WFH as well as dealing with education court case and younger DC’s new diagnosis which hit me for 6 - only took 2 days off while DC in hospital.

I asked manager to intervene several times and was told that we’d both have to work in the office so they could oversee workload if I thought there was an issue. They couldn’t tell her to and not me apparently. Office was 5 mins walking distance from my house when I started but moved 30 mins drive away a few months later. Colleague couldn’t drive so I was asked to drive her in by management. I only did it once and got no thank you. She even left me waiting outside her house for 5 minutes and got in my car without apologising.

Colleague was pestering me to go full time so she could part time even pointing out jobs for me. Last straw was when I requested the workload be checked and they said I was doing the same amount of work as her after leaving me hanging for a month. I resigned as it was also affecting my MH and later raised a grievance which triggered a full investigation and was upheld. I was responding to double the amount of emails and tasks as she was despite working 2 days a week less!

I’ve now been looking for another remote role for 4 months. and am just not getting anywhere despite lots of interest in my CV and interviews. Keep getting to 2nd interview stage then ‘tough decision but it’s we’ve given it to someone else’. I’m early 50’s so age could be a factor.

Finances are now an issue. DH thinks I should take a full time office job and let older DC sort themselves out, take time off for appointments etc! What about when youngest off school? Been called to pick them up numerous times since diagnosis as feeling unwell.

Who’s being UR?

One DS

Attends outreach education 3 half days a week and also has regular psychologist and other appointments that I need to be at home for, bad MH with previous self harming so can’t be left alone for long periods. Currently going through an extremely stressful 18 month court battle to get a specialist residential provision which won’t conclude until July and unlikely we will win.

And second child, aged 9

DC2 is an almost teen, had a shock diagnosis last year of a life threatening. life long condition. I need to be close by due to this for my own peace of mind and also for any emergencies (low risk but still). DC has been struggling with it understandably as still new diagnosis and also has side effects and low immune system so lots of illnesses and lots of time out of school. Very draining as have to be on top of it 24/7, lots of ups and downs and often disturbed sleep due to alarms going off as needs treating. TBH just can’t sleep a lot of the time as terrified will sleep through alarms which could be fatal for DC.

And you say you’re not telling employers because they’re “not young “ and don’t require lots of supervision

a hell of a very different picture to your op

Sorry second ds 12

I'm not going to get into the rights and wrongs of previous job situation, but can recommend looking for roles within the Civil Service? In lots of departments the admin roles are hybrid, and many roles can be flexible, part time or WFH etc.

Of course you would not be unreasonable to insist you will only work from home in interviews. However they would not be unreasonable to reject you for an employee who is able to come into work and has less personal distractions. Realistically employers don’t know you, and they don’t want to take a chance on somebody who is already being demanding and expecting them to be flexible for their personal problems and issues.

I think you need to have a word with your husband - he should be stepping up and doing his share as well.

"DH works very long hours and too far away to be of any help during the day."
Why does he not take a new job closer to home with better hours, rather than telling you to get a full-time job? They're his children too!

Sigh - I’m not insisting (where did you get that from?). I WFH in interviews. I’m only applying for remote roles that state they are remote in job ads.

@GiveupHQ Yes DC do not need a lot of supervision while at home during working hours. You can take my word for it or not. I managed to do the work of two people in part time hours in my last job so not bothered if you do or not.

Sigh - I got it from you saying if you can’t WFH you won’t work at all. That’s insisting!

Even jobs that advertise as remote might not be 100% WFH at all times. If you can’t or won’t work in the office at any time then make that really clear at interviews for new jobs and if they’re happy with that they’ll hire you.

It always makes me laugh when people suggest carers allowance , the princely sum of £76 something a week , and you can’t earn more than £139 a week. I’ve had to give up work to care for my daughter. Apparently that’s what I’m worth .

I work from home due to my own disabilities.

YOU are NOT working from home, you are caring for your kids and fitting work in around that. It should be the opposite way around.

I don’t know where people get this idea that remote working is suddenly hard to find. More than half of my friends wfh full time in all manner of industries. DH got a job that’s fully remote as they no longer have an office. He’s had 3 or 4 in person meetings ever.

OP, does your husband agree with you on how much support and supervision both DC need? It sounds like he either doesn’t or isn’t fully aware of the extent of it.

And can you afford to live on just his income or not?

Yup.

I remember your previous post OP when you were at your wit’s end with your colleague. Such a shame management wouldn’t do something about it before you felt so bad you felt no option but to leave, but it must feel at least a bit validating that you were right!

It does sound like there is a bit of a mismatch between you and DH’s judgements of DCs’ needs. I’d be insisting on him taking a week off to be at home to see the full extent of what you do…or keeping a diary for a few weeks and then sitting down with him and having a calm conversation about what has happened in that time and how it would work with FT work. If money is tight, however, then perhaps doing evening/weekend work as PPs have suggested is the best way round this? Is it also possible that your anxiety is making you catasrophise the circumstances - it could be a wise investment to seek therapy to help you deal with this. Maybe it might help you see it’s not as bad as it initially feels?

Re WFH - I would keep applying for the fully WFH jobs but I’d also apply for those advertised as hybrid. You may need to pay for a carer for your DC for a few months while you “prove yourself” but once you’ve passed your probation and you’ve shown you’re good you may be able to negotiate fewer office days. Like PP said, I’d recommend civil service.

Having listed all your own protected characteristics I'd say that comment is a pretty low blow tbh.

I managed to do the work of two people in part time hours in my last job so not bothered if you do or not.

well no actually. You didn’t. Hence leaving.

I believe that your children need extensive support and supervision as per your op

what I do not believe is your follow up post that they don’t need much supervision hence you “absolutely not” mentioning to prospective employers as you don’t think relevant. Your op utterly contradicts your follow up post

YOU are NOT working from home, you are caring for your kids and fitting work in around that. It should be the opposite way around.
This would be my suspicion too as the OP outlines two children who require a lot of care and the ability to drop work around a range of family arrangements.

Work from home is great and offers some flexibility, which is one of the selling points, but that's quite different from having to be around for several appointments a week, available on call for two children, including one with needs that OP says would warrant residential care.

I wasn't picking over anything, OP, I just didn't understand how you came to the conclusions you did about your former colleague/work.

I would have NO idea whatsoever how many emails/applications/reports etc. colleagues can deal with in the same amount of time as me, after working in my role on a hybrid basis for 18 months, so I wanted to know how you found that out.

And your job was a dream job for you in terms of life-work balance at this point in your life, so no need to take issue with me there either.

However, my main point was/is that this is an issue between you and your husband and how you can work out the finances together, so you can be there for your son's appointments and care needs.
Putting the blame on your former colleague/job should not be your priority now. Talking to your husband is.

Just my opinion of course, but you did ask in AIBU...

Can’t you sue your ex employer for constructive dismissal?

there are lots of wfh job roles still available. I guess perhaps they are popular and get lots of applications? Are you allowing them to take references before overnight you the job? Perhaps that’s the issue? How long did you work for ex employer? If it’s short it may go against you, especially if you’ve also had a long period without paid employment

What are your skills op? What did you do before dc? I ask because that is a starting point to the types of jobs you could get and advice given. Most minimum wage or jobs that don’t require specific qualifications won’t be flexible or wfh. But if you have some experience or qualifications then that’s a plus.
In my experience it takes a while to work up to or study for the types of jobs that would allow flexibility around disabled dc. But not always.
I don’t wfh but I do completely manage my own diary and can be flexible around the needs of my dc. I take time off whenever and make hours up so it is possible. My employer is fine if I’m not in work early because I’m sorting out dc in the morning. I can sometimes wfh if I manage my diary well. So you might be ok with a hybrid job. Or one that is not wfh but allows flex working.

I do agree about your dh though. You have done years of this on your own. My dh works ft and his job is not a flexible as mine but he still takes time off and does appointments etc as he’s also dc parent. It reduces the burden on me and means I can focus on work when needed. You need to make it clear to him that this is not ok.

It’s really stressful op I get it.

Look at public sector roles as they are often more flexible. You have skills in working with children and with children with disabilities so look for support roles in Children’s services as you often manage your own work load. Something like a social workers assistant or family support role.

Not if she’s been gone for 4 months, no. She’s out of time. But they would have expected her to try and deal with issues whilst employed.

Only there for 18 months.

My manager said she’d been expecting that if resign and was a bit upset on my last day when I went into office to return IT equipment and said she’d give me a glowing reference as I was such a conscientious worker but they issue standard HR refs anyway. So reference not an issue and haven’t got to stage of having them taken up. Was told grievance would not be referred to on reference.

I got that role after being out of work for years, with one interview within a week of starting job search and was offered it a few hours later. So I kind of hoped for the same thing to happen when I decided to leave!

I’ve had interviews where they’ve said there were over a 1000 applicants (as remote roles) and I was in the top 5 but just not getting it at the end. Feedback is I interview very well so don’t know what can be improved!

It doesn't sound much like you would be doing the working part of working from home.

You still haven't replied about your husband. If the children need someone around her should be looking for a job closer to home!

I think you need to put to bed the situation with your ex colleague. You’ve raised a grievance, made your point and it’s now over.
As others have already said, your DH needs to step up in terms of supporting your DC if he expects you to also work full time - or indeed part time. Your adult DS needs the right support for his needs - in other words, if you weren’t there, what support would he need? Perhaps a personal assistant would be beneficial. PIP should be able to fund this perhaps.
Regarding your DS2, if he does have a diagnosis of diabetes, (which I appreciate you’ve not confirmed) then you need to access some kind of support for both himself and you and DH. Yes, it’s a lifelong illness, and this fact may well be adding to your anxiety. It’s an illness he will hopefully live with well past retirement!