AIBU to say if I can’t work from home, I can’t work at all?

[CantGetAWFHJob]

Background:

2 DCs with disabilities - DC1 is a young adult but needs support getting up and out of the house (or they won’t). Also needs someone to be at home when they come in. Attends outreach education 3 half days a week and also has regular psychologist and other appointments that I need to be at home for, bad MH with previous self harming so can’t be left alone for long periods. Currently going through an extremely stressful 18 month court battle to get a specialist residential provision which won’t conclude until July and unlikely we will win. Not ready for supported living yet.

DC2 is an almost teen, had a shock diagnosis last year of a life threatening. life long condition. I need to be close by due to this for my own peace of mind and also for any emergencies (low risk but still). DC has been struggling with it understandably as still new diagnosis and also has side effects and low immune system so lots of illnesses and lots of time out of school. Very draining as have to be on top of it 24/7, lots of ups and downs and often disturbed sleep due to alarms going off as needs treating. TBH just can’t sleep a lot of the time as terrified will sleep through alarms which could be fatal for DC. Also has had massive impact on my long standing anxiety disorder which will be further affected if I feel like I can’t get to him if needed (2nd child died at birth from rare lethal abnormality which was only picked shortly before birth).

DH works very long hours and too far away to be of any help during the day.

I had a part time WFH job which I resigned from 4 months ago. Worked really well with minimal disruption due to DC. If hospital or home appt came up, I’d change my hours with agreement, work in evenings etc.

Had a an issue with close work colleague though who was a nightmare and didn’t do her share of the work (shared role)so I ended up being very stressed and working over my hours as very heavy workload and complaints from senior management it wasn’t being completed in time frames. I was part time, she was full time. It was a blatant pisstake and there were other issues as well as her not doing the work.

I put up with this for over a year as needed WFH as well as dealing with education court case and younger DC’s new diagnosis which hit me for 6 - only took 2 days off while DC in hospital.

I asked manager to intervene several times and was told that we’d both have to work in the office so they could oversee workload if I thought there was an issue. They couldn’t tell her to and not me apparently. Office was 5 mins walking distance from my house when I started but moved 30 mins drive away a few months later. Colleague couldn’t drive so I was asked to drive her in by management. I only did it once and got no thank you. She even left me waiting outside her house for 5 minutes and got in my car without apologising.

Colleague was pestering me to go full time so she could part time even pointing out jobs for me. Last straw was when I requested the workload be checked and they said I was doing the same amount of work as her after leaving me hanging for a month. I resigned as it was also affecting my MH and later raised a grievance which triggered a full investigation and was upheld. I was responding to double the amount of emails and tasks as she was despite working 2 days a week less!

I’ve now been looking for another remote role for 4 months. and am just not getting anywhere despite lots of interest in my CV and interviews. Keep getting to 2nd interview stage then ‘tough decision but it’s we’ve given it to someone else’. I’m early 50’s so age could be a factor.

Finances are now an issue. DH thinks I should take a full time office job and let older DC sort themselves out, take time off for appointments etc! What about when youngest off school? Been called to pick them up numerous times since diagnosis as feeling unwell.

Who’s being UR?

Since your grievance was upheld have you looked at whether you could claim constructive dismissal? You might not as you left then raised the grievance but it's certainly worth exploring. Make sure you're receiving all the benefits you're entitled to, carers allowance ect, as although they're not much any income helps.

Residential education for specialist therapeutic education for which there is nothing suitable in our local area, not care specifically.

Older DC doesn’t need supervision (although he did put a pizza in the oven earlier with the cardboard tray still on the bottom so the bottom was soggy!) in most things but needs support getting up and ready in the morning as doesn’t think about time, remembering appointments for therapy, wouldn’t answer the front door to LSA or home visits from therapy teams (which aren’t often), loses his key to get in front door constantly, loses bank card, etc, so needs someone to be around to keep an eye which I managed without issue in my last role. He can go out independently but I like to be there to make sure he’s back!

For younger DC it’s more that I don’t want to be too far away from him (school 5 mins from home) which is perfectly reasonable when he’s still so young and we’re not even a year into a serious diagnosis. I know I can jump in car and be there in a flash if necessary which gives me peace of mind. When he’s off school, I’m just here. He can manage his medication and make his own food for lunch etc. Again not an issue in last role.

Obviously I’ll feel more comfortable when he’s older and he’s a bit more stable.

If you haven’t experienced having DC with these issues, it’s no wonder you couldn’t understand but I am able to work to very high standards and I am an excellent multi tasker!

Honestly why are people such dicks making pronouncements about stuff they know nothing about?

The point of the thread wasn’t that I couldn’t WFH either!

OP, people aren't being dicks by asking questions.

One of the major problems with WFH is that some people often view it as a way of making work for around their home priorities / juggle work with other things rather than focusing on work, instead of viewing it as a standard job with some flexibility in the hours.

People are posing questions as they do on many other threads where posters outline that they're wanting to WFH because they need to focus pn child related things throughout the day and multitask between responsibility for their child(ren) and their work.

Have you looked at Upwork for remote PA type roles?

Working from home still requires formal childcare.

Work involves a contract of employment and as well as receiving pay that also involves providing your full attention and fulfilling your duties.

Wfh is much easier to find for high earners and highly qualified jobs than entry level.

What are you qualified for and can you get any more qualifications?

The post I quoted wasn’t a question. It was saying I was NOT WFH and you saying that my DC’s needs warranted residential care which was an incorrect assumption.

Unless my reading comprehension is off which on reading it again, I don’t think it’s me with the low level of reading comprehension skill.

Well I obviously fulfilled mine better than my colleague who had no children at home.

That was to @SpringNotSprung

@CantGetAWFHJob if that's what your DH thinks then you need to sit down and think about how you will make it work with all the appointments etc. if he is working far a way then who will pick up DS2 if required?

I think you also need help to come to term with his diabetes and also ensure there are staff trained in school to recognise hypos etc. whilst it's a serious condition there will usually be some warning signs before any severe deterioration so your anxiety if out of proportion with the risk and I feel you need to be armed with more information so you have more confidence in dealing with his condition.

It's not easy.

But with regards to work don't allow it to be just your problem. It's DH's too

I can completely understand the challenges you face (juggling children with SEN and working) juggling work and children with additional needs is hard enough so really, I do understand.
However, whilst companies shouldn't discriminate because of your age, I think silently, some will and it doesn't sound like you're willing to meet them half way. WFH was great while it lasted but it's just not realistic going forward. Some companies are more supportive than others so keep at the hunt but you should be prepared to compromise

Most companies have moved to hybrid so those roles that are 100% wfh will attract so many more applicants than the roles would have done even a year ago

As time goes on I think full time wfh roles will be like gold dust, similar to term time roles just now

OP do you think your DH thinks you are being over anxious/protective?

CantGetAWFHJob
And I was agreeing with another poster who had got a similar impression about WFH and caring responsibilities from your post.

Other posters have also raised the same issue with WFH and caring responsibilities.

You might find a job that's totally WFH with an organisation that is happy for their WFH employees to dip in and out throughout the day and conduct caring responsibilities during the working day as and when, but many places are hybrid and expect people who are WFH to be working from home, not multitasking with caring responsibilities.

Absolutely true. I've just recruited for a fully remote position in my team and had over 150 applications to review.

@CantGetAWFHJob - No advice for your work situation, but just wanted to make a possible suggestion for your DC2.

Getting pump funding is an absolute nightmare (I was diagnosed as a child, over 30 years ago - I've only just been approved for a pump after YEARS of fighting, so I sympathise). But if your son is struggling with MDI/the amount of injections when he eats etc, can you ask your team to look into something like this for him? I've never used one myself, and my understanding is they are not intended for long term (as in years) of use, but they could help him for a few months as he stabilises/adjusts to the injections. At least he wouldn't have to puncture his skin every time he just fancies a snack, as the import (or similar) stays in for 3 days.

https://www.medtronic-diabetes.com/en-gb/i-port-advance

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time on this thread. There are definitely companies that will allow you to wfh remotely, and you shouldn’t stop
applying for the hybrid ones either. There is always room for negotiation and if the company really likes you they may be willing to let you be remote. Once offered the role you can negotiate. If you’re honest about the reasons, show you’re committed, but offer to be flexible with hours or make up hours most employers should be sympathetic. Plenty of people have caring responsibilities & have jobs too.

Additionally you can apply to wfh informally before 26 weeks, or formally after 26 weeks (see ACAS).

Your former colleague sounded like a lazy nightmare. For those questioning how one can tell how much the other has done, it’s pretty easy esp in admin roles & a job share.

Have you considered going through an agency or temping (the latter is more flexible). If you like the temp role, you could go temp & negotiate.

Best of luck!

Dla, pip, carers allowance?

Agency work?

Evening, night or early morning work?

If youngest is 12 could he be alone 2ish hours a day if off school? You could look at lunchtime cover, dinnerlady type roles in care homes, nurseries, schools, hospitals etc?

If you need the money you need the money and you have to find work that fits.

It sounds like you and DH don’t agree about your children’s care needs, you sound anxious and he sounds a little absent. Can you request an assessment from children with disabilities team and see what they advise? Perhaps you’d be entitled to direct payments to help with someone to support the eldest?

Did you speak to ACAS? That would count as constructive dismissal if it was upheld and you could get compensation. Theres a time limit of 3 months for these issues though.

Exactly, a very low blow.

What was that mean to mean exactly? That they would have done nothing because she had a certain protected characteristic that you don’t?

And btw everyone has some kind of protected characteristic.

It means exactly that. She had a protected characteristic that she was particularly vocal about so nothing was done. Also personality was adversarial if questioned about anything or asked to do anything.

I am very aware of protected characteristics, mine are sex and age neither of which applied in relation to my last role so not sure what you or the previous poster are on about? Do you?

DH works very long hours and too far away to be of any help during the day.

This is so very often the problem. I've lost count of the amount of MNetters who are struggling and at a massive disadvantage taking on nearly all of the work load due to their husbands working 'very long hours'.

Why is it nearly always the men who get to leave everything to the woman, siting 'work reasons'?

Look at this problem under a microscope and see if any changes can be made here, because quite often they only have the luxury of throwing themselves into work because 'wifey' is picking up the much harder stuff.

The thing is, you have no right to know what action, if any, has been taken against this employee. Particularly the fact that you left then raised a grievance, so don’t even work with her any more.

Have you looked for returner roles / aimed at women who had senior jobs then sahm / type jobs in the civil service and other gov websites? Once trained you can often wfh a lot or flex hours and not mw.
You'll be more likely to get a middling wage job like 25, 28k than mw due to your experience and age.
What was / is your professional background? Is your area generally remote work?

When you work part time you can work it around your kids. I’m contracted for 4hrs a day, when I do those hours is really up to me.

YANBU to only want PT WFH. If your H can’t see that he’s a dick and needs to pull his finger out and help more with the DC