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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect grandparents to visit me?

56 replies

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 10:53

I moved to a city around 2 hours away. Now live with my partner, happily, in a city centre flat. It's great, I can walk to things and be independent. Have a great relationship with my family.

My parents live miles from the nearest shop. I don't drive. Their house is very run down, and the only working toilet is in their en-suite. It isn't a great place to visit unless my partner rents a car. So I avoid going home to visit other than once every 3 months or so for a weekend.

More recently I have been getting lots of comments from my mum and her parents that it would be nice to see me. I have mentioned that I will be back for a weekend next month, and they are always welcome to come and visit me. Whilst we don't have a spare bedroom, I have slept on the sofa before so people can visit as hotels are expensive here.

Fortunately my grandparents are in fairly good health, and travel a lot independently. One has recently been to Crete for three weeks and another has just done a tour of Scotland (self driven). They are in their early 80s. Money isn't an issue for them.

AIBU to think that it would be nice for grandparents to visit me in my adopted home city? A day trip is feasible, and would be about 4 hours round trip on the train. Otherwise, if booked in advance you can get a hotel for £200 or even £100 mid week.

OP posts:
PickNewName · 28/05/2023 12:23

When you are in your 80’s, and have spent a lifetime putting yourself out for people, think back to this thread and see if you are happy to do 4 hours of travelling to see someone for a couple of hours.
Someone who is more than half your age who doesn’t put themselves out to come and see you.

Original poster
snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:48

It's not that I am unwilling to go and see them, I do. My point is, that as someone who works full time (regularly 9am-9pm) it would be nice if they made the effort to come and see me, seeing as they are retired so time isn't so pressured.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 12:49

I would never expect a family member in their eighties to travel to me, no.

Hazelnuttella · 28/05/2023 12:50

Have you invited them?

ProfessorXtra · 28/05/2023 12:52

No I wouldn’t expect my grandparents, in their 80s, to travel 4 hours round trip to stay in a one bedroom place where me and my partner had to sleep on the sofa.

HoldingTheDoor · 28/05/2023 12:54

No I wouldn’t expect my grandparents, in their 80s, to travel 4 hours round trip to stay in a one bedroom place where me and my partner had to sleep on the sofa.

Likewise.

PurpleParrots · 28/05/2023 12:55

Do you work 9am to 9pm every day?

Original poster
snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:56

Now that's not what I said. If they wanted to stay overnight then they could stay in a hotel. Yes, I have invited them to stay, and I would take them out for lunch or dinner et cetera.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 28/05/2023 12:57

Unless there is some totally relevant fact you forgot to put then you chose to move that far away, so yes I think you are being unreasonable

HoldingTheDoor · 28/05/2023 12:57

I wouldn't expect them to pay for a hotel either. I'd travel to see them at that age.

Original poster
snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:58

Not that it's really that relevant, but they are not at all short on cash, so it won't be the cost putting them off.

I just think it would be nice for them to see where I live, what my life here is like et cetera. That's all. 😊

OP posts:
Onthegrid · 28/05/2023 12:58

My D.C. both live a the opposite ends of the country to the family, they come to visit and see their GPs they wouldn’t expect them to travel to them.
one is a 4 hour train away the other a 2 hour drive.
However visiting is much more pleasant as we live in a town and have guest rooms and working bathrooms!

Original poster
snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:59

In my head, if they are happy enough to travel several times a month to visit friends, or to visit family overseas, or to go on holiday, then surely they should be happy enough to visit me here, two hours away.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 28/05/2023 12:59

Expect them to visit you?

" Haud me back" as we say in Scotland.

Nearest English translation of "haud me back " is "no fucking way".

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 28/05/2023 13:00

Why don't you drive? You knew your parents and grandparents lived rurally, everyone I know who did learnt to drive asap.

Ultimately you moved multiple hours away, and unless you medically can't drive, decided not to learn a very valuable life skill that means you can't visit them without relying on others. Your choices are the reasons you can't see them I'm afraid!

2bazookas · 28/05/2023 13:00

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:58

Not that it's really that relevant, but they are not at all short on cash, so it won't be the cost putting them off.

I just think it would be nice for them to see where I live, what my life here is like et cetera. That's all. 😊

For some reason, they don't agree, and have other plans.

lap90 · 28/05/2023 13:00

I wouldn't have expected it of my elderly grandparents who have made the 'effort' all their lives, no.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 13:01

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:59

In my head, if they are happy enough to travel several times a month to visit friends, or to visit family overseas, or to go on holiday, then surely they should be happy enough to visit me here, two hours away.

I have in-laws that are in their eighties and I would never ever expect them to come to us to visit - and they only live half a mile down the road!

Opaque11 · 28/05/2023 13:02

Yabu, regardless of what their financial situation is, how much they actually travel and their health- you don't 'expect' your 80 year old gp to travel to you. You make the effort.

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/05/2023 13:02

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:48

It's not that I am unwilling to go and see them, I do. My point is, that as someone who works full time (regularly 9am-9pm) it would be nice if they made the effort to come and see me, seeing as they are retired so time isn't so pressured.

When you're 80, you'll find that everything takes longer, so they aren't quite as time-rich as you would be if you didn't need to work.

crazeekat · 28/05/2023 13:03

i think it is reasonable for a couple who are still fit and healthy, do overseas and far distance travelling including driving up the scottish highlands to totally come visit at least one time out a year at least, and then vice versa.
one they are not fit to do so fair enough but just now while they can travel then yes once in a blue moon shouldn't be an issue.

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 13:03

PickNewName · 28/05/2023 12:23

When you are in your 80’s, and have spent a lifetime putting yourself out for people, think back to this thread and see if you are happy to do 4 hours of travelling to see someone for a couple of hours.
Someone who is more than half your age who doesn’t put themselves out to come and see you.

A lifetime of putting yourself out? What, going to work (like most people) and raising a family for a portion of your life?
OP does put herself out though. She goes to her hometown regularly which she fits around all her other commitments. She has to hire a car to do this. I'd say there's a equal burden both ways. In my experience I'd say grandparents get more out of the visit than older grandchildren.

MatildaTheCat · 28/05/2023 13:06

OP have you actually issued an invitation like, ‘ would you like to put a date in to come for a couple of days? How about June 14-16? I’d love to show you x and y in my city’

If they decline well that’s sad but not much to be done. My DM in her 80s loves to visit me.

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 13:06

ProfessorXtra · 28/05/2023 12:52

No I wouldn’t expect my grandparents, in their 80s, to travel 4 hours round trip to stay in a one bedroom place where me and my partner had to sleep on the sofa.

Then go for the day or stay in a hotel. This is a couple who are happy to navigate motorways, airports, customs, foreign roads/coaches etc to do something they feel is 'worthwhile'. Come for dinner then leave before tea. That's what OP has to do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2023 13:11

Can you go and visit your grandparents and stay with them? They could collect you and drop you at the train station. Or you could do the day trip. Same principle.

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