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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect grandparents to visit me?

56 replies

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 10:53

I moved to a city around 2 hours away. Now live with my partner, happily, in a city centre flat. It's great, I can walk to things and be independent. Have a great relationship with my family.

My parents live miles from the nearest shop. I don't drive. Their house is very run down, and the only working toilet is in their en-suite. It isn't a great place to visit unless my partner rents a car. So I avoid going home to visit other than once every 3 months or so for a weekend.

More recently I have been getting lots of comments from my mum and her parents that it would be nice to see me. I have mentioned that I will be back for a weekend next month, and they are always welcome to come and visit me. Whilst we don't have a spare bedroom, I have slept on the sofa before so people can visit as hotels are expensive here.

Fortunately my grandparents are in fairly good health, and travel a lot independently. One has recently been to Crete for three weeks and another has just done a tour of Scotland (self driven). They are in their early 80s. Money isn't an issue for them.

AIBU to think that it would be nice for grandparents to visit me in my adopted home city? A day trip is feasible, and would be about 4 hours round trip on the train. Otherwise, if booked in advance you can get a hotel for £200 or even £100 mid week.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 28/05/2023 13:19

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 12:56

Now that's not what I said. If they wanted to stay overnight then they could stay in a hotel. Yes, I have invited them to stay, and I would take them out for lunch or dinner et cetera.

But I still wouldn’t expect it. I wouldn’t expect them to do the trip to stay in a cheap hotel for one night.

if I wanted to see them more, I would visit them. After all it’s only a 4 hour round trip on a train. Doing it in a day is far easier for a younger person. No one has to hire a car.

SquirrelRed · 28/05/2023 13:19

I think when you're the one who moves away you have to be the one who does the visiting. You can't expect everyone to be happy to spend their time and money going to see you.
I say that as someone who also moved away from family

ProfessorXtra · 28/05/2023 13:22

JudgeRudy · 28/05/2023 13:06

Then go for the day or stay in a hotel. This is a couple who are happy to navigate motorways, airports, customs, foreign roads/coaches etc to do something they feel is 'worthwhile'. Come for dinner then leave before tea. That's what OP has to do.

Show quote history

And? Op is substantially younger.

I am sure op posted asking for peoples opinions. That’s my opinion. You can agree with the Op and that’s ok too.

My opinion is that I wouldn’t expect them to do that in a day or for an overnight stay.

Thesunnymood · 28/05/2023 13:24

Posters just got stuck on age and missed that the grandparents regularly travel.

Of course it's bit sad they don't come visit you while they visit others like that. I guess everyone just has to make peace with seeing each other once every x months in your parent's house.

TheKobayashiMaru · 28/05/2023 13:25

To me, it is my role to visit grandparents, not expect then to come to me.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 28/05/2023 13:28

YANBU. This really annoys me. It’s as if roads and trains and planes only go one way.

GrumpyPanda · 28/05/2023 13:28

Unreasonable to expect. Not unreasonable to invite. Yes, you say you've done that, but has it been as a concrete proposal? Say for a specific weekend, with specific suggestions of what to do together while they're visiting? Or had it just been a generic, you know you're always welcome?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 13:29

Thesunnymood · 28/05/2023 13:24

Posters just got stuck on age and missed that the grandparents regularly travel.

Of course it's bit sad they don't come visit you while they visit others like that. I guess everyone just has to make peace with seeing each other once every x months in your parent's house.

Nope, I didn't miss it.

Regardless of how able they are, I still wouldn't expect the burden of travel to fall on an elderly couple in their eighties - especially if I was the one who chose to move several hours away from them in the first place.

My in-laws are in their eighties and live half a mile away - FIL was fixing tiles on his shed roof a few months ago but I still wouldn't expect him to travel to us as part of a social occasion - we would always go to him.

And yes, we tried to help him with the roof but he insisted he was more than capable 😂

HoldingTheDoor · 28/05/2023 13:29

Posters just got stuck on age and missed that the grandparents regularly travel.

I didn't miss it. I'd still expect to travel to them.

LlynTegid · 28/05/2023 13:30

Would it be worth trying to get them to visit say for your birthday, or some other occasion?

Thesunnymood · 28/05/2023 13:34

None of you would want your grandparents to visit once so they see where and how you live etc when they are active, travelling and visiting others happily.
Sure

There are grandparents visiting grandchildren living in different countries. Of course being grandparent doesn't mean you are never expected to travel and everyone must always travel to you.

fUNNYfACE36 · 28/05/2023 13:36

You live in a city centre! Much different to driving in the Scottish Highlands or catching a flight to crete

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 13:48

Thesunnymood · 28/05/2023 13:34

None of you would want your grandparents to visit once so they see where and how you live etc when they are active, travelling and visiting others happily.
Sure

There are grandparents visiting grandchildren living in different countries. Of course being grandparent doesn't mean you are never expected to travel and everyone must always travel to you.

I wouldn't ever expect grandparents in their eighties to come and visit me, no. And I say that as someone who grew up only seeing mine every two years or so as my parents moved overseas.

BemusedBrenda · 28/05/2023 13:51

OP, I think PP are being harsh and missing the point a tad. I also live quite a distance from my family and I definitely think it works both ways. I spent the first year I moved away travelling two weekends every month to try to see everyone, but I realised it was unsustainable and yes, it should work both ways. Ime you soon learn who really values their relationship with you because they will make reciprocal visits. My grandparents are also in their eighties but they have visited me a couple of times although I usually go to them. Visiting once every 3 months is actually quite a lot when you work full time and have to fit everything into your weekends.

ProfessorXtra · 28/05/2023 13:54

Thesunnymood · 28/05/2023 13:34

None of you would want your grandparents to visit once so they see where and how you live etc when they are active, travelling and visiting others happily.
Sure

There are grandparents visiting grandchildren living in different countries. Of course being grandparent doesn't mean you are never expected to travel and everyone must always travel to you.

Don’t think anyone said they wouldn’t want their grandparents to visit.

They said they wouldn’t expect them to.

Thats 2 different things.

Nanananananana99 · 28/05/2023 14:30

I was lucky enough to have a couple of grandparents into my mid 30s, never had a grandparent visit me during my adulthood. It’s just not a thing. That doesn’t mean it can’t be if you have a unusual relationship with them but I think you are being a bit unrealistic.

I do think it’s nice that you want them to see how you are making a life for yourself but the bed way to do that, as they are in their 80s, is through sending lots of lovely letters/photos and ringing when you can.

As you have said they are currently in good health, book a couple of holiday days and go visit THEM for a long weekend or a week if you can as health at that age can turn really quickly.

I wish I had spent more time with Grandparents. (Pandemic didn’t help)

Createausername1970 · 28/05/2023 14:57

snottyqueen · 28/05/2023 10:53

I moved to a city around 2 hours away. Now live with my partner, happily, in a city centre flat. It's great, I can walk to things and be independent. Have a great relationship with my family.

My parents live miles from the nearest shop. I don't drive. Their house is very run down, and the only working toilet is in their en-suite. It isn't a great place to visit unless my partner rents a car. So I avoid going home to visit other than once every 3 months or so for a weekend.

More recently I have been getting lots of comments from my mum and her parents that it would be nice to see me. I have mentioned that I will be back for a weekend next month, and they are always welcome to come and visit me. Whilst we don't have a spare bedroom, I have slept on the sofa before so people can visit as hotels are expensive here.

Fortunately my grandparents are in fairly good health, and travel a lot independently. One has recently been to Crete for three weeks and another has just done a tour of Scotland (self driven). They are in their early 80s. Money isn't an issue for them.

AIBU to think that it would be nice for grandparents to visit me in my adopted home city? A day trip is feasible, and would be about 4 hours round trip on the train. Otherwise, if booked in advance you can get a hotel for £200 or even £100 mid week.

You don't want to visit your own parents very often because they live in a run down area, long way from the shops and only have one loo.

Maybe your grandparents have what they consider to be valid reasons for not visiting you. Maybe they would rather put the £100+ hotel and petrol money towards travelling the world while they still can.

But if you were the one that moved away, the onus is on you to keep the contact going, whether that is you visiting them or issuing invitations.

bobblyjob · 28/05/2023 15:12

YANBU. It doesn’t sound either practical or tempting for you to visit. People seem to be ignoring the fact you don’t drive (and apparently should have learned solely so you could go and visit your parents) and that your parents house is difficult to stay in
Having said that I can see that they probably just don’t think about visiting because the expectation will be that you will go back. There is no reason they can’t though apart from that is not what normally happens. Sometimes I think the parents/grandparents feel weird coming into our “territory”
i think it’s completely reasonable to ask them. Or how about a half way meet somewhere you can get to? Can you afford an air bnb for the night for all of you in a new spot so it is more of an adventure?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/05/2023 15:17

YABU, especially in relation to your grandparents.

You moved away, you don't drive, and you apparently work 9am to 9pm, which sounds unrewarding for a visitor. In your situation I would learn to drive, and then visit your elderly relatives by car on non-work days. I say that as someone who moved away and uses most of my A/L visiting family - it's not ideal but it isn't their responsibility to visit me when I am the one who left.

olympicsrock · 28/05/2023 15:20

YABU

UsingChangeofName · 28/05/2023 15:48

I think if you specifically say "I'd love to see you. Can you come up the Xth - Yth of next month ? I'm not working at the weekend and I've love to be able to show you my new home. You are very welcome to stay with me and I'll sleep in the living room, or, if you prefer a bit more comfort I can find a hotel for you close by and I will meet you at the station and take you home"

It is very different from saying 'It would be nice to see you some time"

sadieshavingashindig · 28/05/2023 15:55

Why don't you just tell them how much it would mean to you for them to visit you instead of quietly stewing over it and getting angry.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/05/2023 15:56

I do think a 4 hour round trip in one day with visiting/ outings etc in between is probably a big ask for someone in their 80s even if they are fit. But as they are fit enough for holidays, I don't see why they can't visit for a weekend. What have they said when you've asked them directly?
It might be worth issuing a specific invitation with clear dates and times, offering for them to stay with you but also linking to nearby hotels .
Is it your mum saying it's too much?

thecatinthetwat · 28/05/2023 19:18

I think there’s a bit of a generation thing here. The expectation is for younger generations to visit the older ones. Nothing wrong with your stance op, but I think there’s a status quo thing going on. Do a proper invite and then if they don’t except just write it off as a no-go.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 19:22

sadieshavingashindig · 28/05/2023 15:55

Why don't you just tell them how much it would mean to you for them to visit you instead of quietly stewing over it and getting angry.

Stop being so sensible Grin