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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone around to pull me through the next hour?

109 replies

Oak99 · 27/05/2023 13:40

Just dropped my 4 year old off at contact centre to see his dad for the second time (first was 2 weeks ago). Lots of domestic violence and courts prevented contact for 4 years due to this. They've now decided contact in a contact centre is OK.

His dad was told to turn up 15 minutes early, which he did. He was then to wait in the room until I dropped son off 15 mins later. This is to prevent us coming into contact. He has told them he needed to nip back to the car and will be back. He's then proceeded to wait in his car for 10 mins until I walked round the corner, got out of the car when he's seen me and gone straight into the contact centre with our son. He looked at him and said 'come on then'. I didn't get to say goodbye and was just left stood outside not knowing what the hell just happened.

Staff came out a couple of minutes later and apologised.

He's trying to intimidate me. This is all going to go wrong. My son is now in the centre without having had a goodbye from his mum. He looked awkward when he went in.

I feel awful that I put my own emotional safety above a goodbye. But I froze and just watched them walk in.

I'm now sat in a park feeling sick.

Is anyone willing to chat this through with me? Am I being dramatic? I don't even know anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oak99 · 27/05/2023 14:44

Billybagpuss · 27/05/2023 14:31

Nearly there have you got him back yet.

Not yet. Just had a long chat with a friend which has helped. A couple of years ago when we were in court proceedings I was there with my friend waiting to go in. He was told to wait in a separate room and instead he came into the waiting room I was in, sat opposite me for 30 seconds or so just staring at me and just stood up and walked back out again so he had form for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oak99 · 27/05/2023 14:46

Whatwouldnanado · 27/05/2023 14:43

Plenty of wisdom above. Nearly done. What are your plans for the rest of the day? Your boy will be so glad to see you. Get everything written down and make a complaint x

I don't know that there's anything to complain about. They literally told him that he had to come straight back in and if not be would have to wait in the car to be called. They obviously just thought he was waiting. He knew what he was doing. I'm now worrying about what sort of spin he is trying to put on it.

OP posts:
Feraldogmum · 27/05/2023 14:48

Hang on in there,not long to go and just think positively,they’ll make a note that he’s still trying to intimidate you ,so that’ll be on file if you can get the agreement reconsidered.

Shadowworry · 27/05/2023 14:53

Log it - get a paper record eg email to them what happened and previous form etc

get a decent dash cam and always have a friend

I’m 9 years on and we meet in a court ordered place and time (public) but I always have a dash cam recording up until I get into car park. I always am there earlier eg Tesco cafe and breakfast and I always wait for him to go and the my friend and I go shopping and then we leave.

I promise as time goes on and you heal and do counselling you won’t freeze - I did for the first few years and then now I’m careful and polite but I have no hesitation about screaming my head off.

with you son log him when he comes back eg hungry etc

log the intimidation and how you felt with your Gp the more of a paper trail the better

anything odd with your son, physical, emotional, sun burn whatever log with GP

youve got this

NWQM · 27/05/2023 14:58

I just wanted to say that we will be here to 'listen' if you need it.

And to everyone who has disclosed your own experiences thank you for your generosity is helping others. It is truely lovely of you.

7eleven · 27/05/2023 14:59

In your mind, put him in a secure box and padlock it. Really go for it - chains, barbed wire etc. He’s trying to play mind games. Put him in his box. What a twat he is.

prh47bridge · 27/05/2023 15:01

Write down what has happened. Get the contact centre to make a written record too. If he behaves himself in future, this won't make any difference. However, if he repeats this behaviour, you can use it to resist any attempt to move away from the contact centre and you may be able to get all contact stopped.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 15:01

He is really intimidating, isn't he?

ScoobyBooby · 27/05/2023 15:03

Oh OP that’s awful I hope you’re ok ! I agree with others who have said to write everything down and also inform the contact centre to make sure they log everything too ! He’s clearly breaking the restrictions set in place !

How was your son ?

xx

candlesflamesandbrooms · 27/05/2023 15:19

Op I saw in one of your updates that your ex has gone through one of the "courses" and sadly I have to say they have a very very low success rate 0.00 something rather.

That's because the perpetrator is used to being in control and ultimately why would they give that up.

I hope your son is back with you soon and my god this always blows my mind when courts do this.

Read the gift of fear ❤️

CabernetSauvignon · 27/05/2023 15:24

Oak99 · 27/05/2023 13:43

I'm going to chat with them when I go back in to collect him. She agreed that it was clearly Intimidation.

Show quote history

Ask them to document their view of his conduct.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 15:27

Oak99 · 27/05/2023 14:46

I don't know that there's anything to complain about. They literally told him that he had to come straight back in and if not be would have to wait in the car to be called. They obviously just thought he was waiting. He knew what he was doing. I'm now worrying about what sort of spin he is trying to put on it.

Show quote history

You need to report it. Every time.

CabernetSauvignon · 27/05/2023 15:29

Reflect on the fact of how pathetic his life must now be. He still can't handle the fact that you escaped his control so he has to make these stupid gestures to help him to feel better.

JFDIYOLO · 27/05/2023 15:30

How you doing?

I'd suggest putting your mobile on video record whenever you are about to go there next time - maybe in a bag round your neck so it captures his behaviour.

ChristmasFluff · 27/05/2023 15:32

I totally echo the poster above. And bloody well done for showing very little reaction to him.

They are complete arses, and they cannot help but keep on proving it over and over and over. But keep documenting (including getting staff to document), stay grey rock, stay in touch with Women's Aid or Victim Support as they can help, and also with legal advice.

You can get another court order if he is using court-ordered contact to harrass you and this is good evidence.

TickingKey46 · 27/05/2023 15:41

God that rings a bell. I had a similar situation with my ex husband at a contact centre. After contact all the none resident parents wait for their child/s to leave or use a different exit.
But o no not mine, after contact he came up to my car, trying to make a fuss of the children and play them off against me and intimate me Luckily I had brought the kids a present, which they were more interested in then him.
I did tell the contact staff, but I'm aware apart from the lady in charge their all volunteers. May be the same for you?

CuriousMama · 27/05/2023 15:44

What an absolute twunt. I hope you and ds are ok? I agree with keeping a log.

Fraaahnces · 27/05/2023 15:52

I hope you’re both okay. Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s doing this and being caught out. Perhaps he’s shot himself in the foot by doing this.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 27/05/2023 15:53

As PP have said, think how pathetic and empty your Ex's life must be for him to prioritse intimidating you. He can't move on, and the staff at the contact centre will be noting it. He's a fool

mommatoone · 27/05/2023 16:00

OP, the contact centre with see dickish behaviour like this from scumbags like your ex all the time. They know what kind of people they are dealing with. Just be comforted by the fact that you are a fantastic mother and like a PP said, he will shoot himself in the foot in the end. Have a lovely afternoon with your little one xx

Original poster
Oak99 · 27/05/2023 16:40

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 15:01

He is really intimidating, isn't he?

Huh?

OP posts:
Rafferty10 · 27/05/2023 17:07

Oh op what a complete bastard....imagine this every time you have to face him...but practice daily.

Imagine him standing in front of you but behind a secure fence so you are safe, take a deep breath concentrating on the breath, then imaging him steadily shrinking smaller and smaller like a childs toy, hear his voice go squeeky and insignificant, see him shrink to the size of your finger. You cannot even hear much now and he has become totally powerless, in fact you could stamp on him and not even notice.....
You may think this is bonkers, but it worked well for my son when he was facing his bullies.

It may help your fear of him...l hope so.

Redebs · 27/05/2023 17:18

What a thoroughly nasty man.

If it happens again, take your son back to your car, lock your doors and phone the contact centre from the car park. If he acts up, staff will call police and have him removed.

Why courts think children need to force this kind of man into their lives is beyond me. Violent men should forfeit their rights once they become a danger.

cheapskatemum · 27/05/2023 17:25

He should get a slap on the wrist from Social Services for doing that, please lodge a complaint. At least he has shown them his true colours very early on in his contact with your son.

contrary13 · 27/05/2023 17:26

As others have said, be aware that your son might act out over the next few days. My son's 18 now, and I can still tell when he's even just spoken to his Dad or grandparents on that side - because his entire attitude just... shifts somehow. Log anything and everything = especially with any social worker involved, for either you or your son because of the DV. When you have to go back to court - and, sadly, I think that it is going to be a "when", not the hopeful "if" - it will pay to have a paper trail of evidence. In a fortnight, have a friend with you, and them recording it (independent witness, he can't then claim it's you manipulating a situation).

Does your son even know him from Adam, though, if there's been no contact for his entire life until 2 weeks ago? How fucking dare he do that to your little boy?!

Have a lovely afternoon and lock the bastard away in a box for a day or so, then log the inevitable shifts in your son's behaviour with any- and everyone. Because it's not just you that your ex is intimidating - it's your 4 year old, too.

(I am so damned furious for you both!)