Anyone around to pull me through the next hour?

[Oak99]

Just dropped my 4 year old off at contact centre to see his dad for the second time (first was 2 weeks ago). Lots of domestic violence and courts prevented contact for 4 years due to this. They've now decided contact in a contact centre is OK.

His dad was told to turn up 15 minutes early, which he did. He was then to wait in the room until I dropped son off 15 mins later. This is to prevent us coming into contact. He has told them he needed to nip back to the car and will be back. He's then proceeded to wait in his car for 10 mins until I walked round the corner, got out of the car when he's seen me and gone straight into the contact centre with our son. He looked at him and said 'come on then'. I didn't get to say goodbye and was just left stood outside not knowing what the hell just happened.

Staff came out a couple of minutes later and apologised.

He's trying to intimidate me. This is all going to go wrong. My son is now in the centre without having had a goodbye from his mum. He looked awkward when he went in.

I feel awful that I put my own emotional safety above a goodbye. But I froze and just watched them walk in.

I'm now sat in a park feeling sick.

Is anyone willing to chat this through with me? Am I being dramatic? I don't even know anymore.

What are you going to see at the theatre? That sounds lovely. Have you a nice tea planned for later?

Deep breaths you are getting there xxx

I'm so sorry hun. I have a bit of experience supporting survivors of abuse. Thus tactic of waiting in the car is clearly an ongoing abuse tactic. The staff at the contact centre will know this and it's completely unacceptable that they allowed it. The should apologise and be embarrassed. But I'd not go too hard on them as they can provide the evidence you need to go back to court and demonstrate he's still being abusive.

Unfortunately in my experience the family court an no where near as protective as they should be. They act like this contact centre shit isn't traumatic for all involved. Equally though you've done absolutely amazing to get to this point. Xx

You need to formally complain about that to ensure it is documented and that the staff keep a closer eye on him during future sessions. This is definitely not acceptable and should not have been allowed to happen. The staff at these centres are well aware of the behaviours of abusers and the lengths they will go to gain control. So it is very disappointing to hear your story.

Can you distract yourself watching some comforting rubbish on your phone? Eg old episodes of something?
Don't feel bad about prioritising safety over goodbye.
You will get through this!

Also to take your mind off it sorry... What are you doing this weekend over the bank holiday? Is the weather nice where you are?

Unsupervised contact is not inevitable, especially if you note and report today's intimidation.

Such a very hard time for you - sending a hand hold.

Aaaah. I'm sure Little Oak will be fine and will wrap his arms around you really tight later. Best snuggles from little boys. He'll be ok, he knows you are always there for him.
Where did you go to wait?
Hoping that you will not see bastard-feature grotbags as he is leaving?

You're stromger than you realise, you got away from him in the first place and that in itself is commendable.

He sounds really awful. I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this. I wish the courts would just listen and use their common sense.

Is he back with you yet? That must have been terrifying but it is good when idiots trip themselves up to make themselves feel better. Get all the information written down and make a complaint. If this is what he does the first time it's allowed then everyone will be able to see that nothing has changed for him. 💐

Have a fab time at the show. time is passing xx

He may think he's got the upper hand with succeeding in intimidating you today but he's actually shot himself in the foot. He's supposed to be proving himself and proving to officials that he can be trusted. He's gone and done the opposite. Awful for you and your son today but beneficial in the long run.

It's probably a good sign too that he didn't play the long game, show that he is a pillar of paternal virtue and that keeping him from his child is barbaric. No, he chose the short-term tactic of scaring you, upsetting the child and doing all this in front of the very people trying to help him to see his son. Perfect.

Surely son of Oak is Acorn?

I hope you and your Acorn have a fabulous time at the theatre. I love the way little children get so completely absorbed in what they are watching!

Next time, could you arrange with the staff that you will stop round the corner & call them to check he is inside. Only when they have confirmed he is inside do you go into the car park.

As PPs have said, write down what he did now on your phone. He is trying to control you and intimidate you. Is he on probation for DV? If so, tell your social worker who should pass it on to his probation officer. Is there a DV Protection Order in place? Keep notes of anytime he does this - if he continues it could be used as evidence should you bring the case to court.

Hope your little one is okay x

Unsupervised is not inevitable. His intimidation of you at contact WILL be reported and noted, he obviously just can't help himself and it will go against him. Have you any family or close friends that could drop your son off for contact? Remove yourself directly from the situation if you can, take away his power. Sending you a handhold op x

I hope you and Acorn are now back together and have a wonderful time at the theatre.
Regarding X I think you should gather evidence (write down what happened, get corroborating statements from the centre staff etc) and consider going back to court. I don’t know much about contact centre arrangements but could it perhaps be agreed that a reliable, trustworthy family member or friend could drop DS rather than you? E.g. do you have a reasonably large, physically fit brother/cousin/BIL?

It must have been a really horrible but this should rebound massively on him. It shows, better than anything you can say, that he is still interested in using power games to intimidate you, and that he cannot be trusted.

Awful, but maybe a good thing in the long run. Hope this thought might help you recover a bit more quickly.

Sounds awful op hope your back i
together now. Have a lovely weekend
I would try and go back to court in the meantime can a family member or friend do the drop/pick up so you don’t have to be put in that situation again?

Nearly there have you got him back yet.

Write it down!!!!

On your phone notes!! Do it while the details are fresh and the report formally via email.

Almost there!!! Agree with others, get the staff to write down their observations. It's important.

20 mins to go

Theatre sounds fabulous . What are you going to see? Enjoy all those treats and the rest of the afternoon with your boy x

Plenty of wisdom above. Nearly done. What are your plans for the rest of the day? Your boy will be so glad to see you. Get everything written down and make a complaint x