Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and if not why do I feel so guilty??

92 replies

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 09:51

We have two DC, aged 10 and 5. DH works FT and I work term-time only. I love having the holidays off with the DC and know I'm lucky, but being together 24/7 over the long summer break can be a bit draining at times!

We went abroad for 2 weeks over Easter so agreed we wouldn't do a big family holiday this summer. We've planned some nice day trips, and a long weekend visiting friends by the sea. But DH is now saying he also wants to do a trip away for 3 nights to a destination a couple of hours drive away. The trip would revolve entirely around a particular activity DH loves, and both kids also enjoy but I hate. I've done it in the past, for DH's sake, but he knows I didn't enjoy it and have no desire to do it again. So he is suggesting he takes both DC, and I stay at home and have a break.

Part of me wants to bite his hand off. Three whole nights to myself!!!...I haven't had the house to myself for more than a few hours since the kids were born!! DH is perfectly capable and relaxed about taking the kids away. I know they would have a good time. But I also feel guilty, like it's self indugent of me to stay behind and (I know this sounds daft) I'd feel really embarrassed about people knowing. I know I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks, but I feel like people will judge me for being selfish, or lazy.
I feel like Kevin's wife in Motherland!😂

Over the years I've looked after both DC alone while DH has been away for stag do's, a friends wedding abroad, festivals and golf trips with mates, not to mention several long haul business trips. So why do I feel like I'd be doing something wrong??

So WIBU to do this? If not, how do I not spend the whole time feeling guilty instead of enjoying the break??

OP posts:
continentallentil · 27/05/2023 11:25

Eh?

Why would you feel guilty. It’s great all round.

continentallentil · 27/05/2023 11:27

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:23

Who would judge?

I don't think any of my friends would. My DM definitely would. She's a good Mum in lots of ways and she doesn't mean to but she makes me feel a bit inadequate. She makes a lot of pointed comments about how I don't realise how lucky I am to have such a hands on DH (I do!), and how he does so much for the kids (like I don't!) and wasn't very supportive of my choice to go back to work after having them.

Start telling your mum about internalised misogyny. A) she needs to know and B) knowing she’s going to get a lecture from you will probably make her think twice about opening her gob 😁

FrozenGhost · 27/05/2023 11:28

Don't worry about what your friend or mum thinks.

I did a similar thing and my mum also wasn't pleased, but afterwards she realised it went fine and really came around to the idea in retrospect. (Not that it would have mattered if she didn't of course). I think she just never had the idea herself or just thought such a thing wasn't possible.

ecuse · 27/05/2023 11:31

Are you mad? Bite his hand off! Nobody in the world would judge you; this is a totally normal thing to do. Enjoy!

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 11:32

THE MISOGYNY IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 11:32

Also, nobody likes a martyr. It's the most obnoxious, passive-aggressive way of carrying on.

I've definitely never thought of myself as either obnoxious or passive aggressive before, but I accept your point. I know 'mum guilt' is a thing a lot of people talk about but this thread has made me realise that they way I experience it is probably pretty extreme.

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 11:33

Mum guilt is boring. And it makes you wonder why dad guilt isn't a thing.

thisismyworld · 27/05/2023 11:35

Buy yourself a pamper package, good book, bottle of wine. Enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!!

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 11:40

FrozenGhost · 27/05/2023 11:28

Don't worry about what your friend or mum thinks.

I did a similar thing and my mum also wasn't pleased, but afterwards she realised it went fine and really came around to the idea in retrospect. (Not that it would have mattered if she didn't of course). I think she just never had the idea herself or just thought such a thing wasn't possible.

Thank you. This is really helpful.

My DM is quite insecure and I think she's one of those women who struggles with others making different life choices to her, almost as if they're doing it 'at' her. When she found out I was going to BF my first DC she got quite defensive, she kept saying "you were FF and you were absolutely fine!". I told her I have nothing against FF at all but she seemed almost hurt that I'd made a different choice. Funnily enough she did come around to that though and was quite positive about it when a younger cousin was pregnant and asking me about feeding.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 27/05/2023 11:45

You have set out all the reasons why you shouldn't feel guilty. Why would you when your DH certainly wouldn't and clearly hasn't over the years. I really think you will be helping to advance the cause of women's rights if you could get over this and celebrate it as good for all involved.

AlligatorPsychopath · 27/05/2023 11:51

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 11:32

Also, nobody likes a martyr. It's the most obnoxious, passive-aggressive way of carrying on.

I've definitely never thought of myself as either obnoxious or passive aggressive before, but I accept your point. I know 'mum guilt' is a thing a lot of people talk about but this thread has made me realise that they way I experience it is probably pretty extreme.

I do understand that isn't the intent behind it, because it's a way of thinking and acting that is usually rooted in low self-esteem. But martyrs invariably expect other people to recognise and appreciate all those "sacrifices" that nobody ever asked or wanted them to make in the first place, and then (because their self-image is of a "sacrificing, loving mum") they take that resentment out on their families in indirect, passive-aggressive ways instead of just being straight about it and it's absolutely maddening for the recipients.

I had a martyr mum. I hated it.

Lidlpopdrinker · 27/05/2023 11:53

stop being so selfish. Your options are go along to an activity that everybody knows you hate so they’ll be conscious of your discomfort throughout which will probably ruin their enjoyment,, stop them from going altogether because of your sad feelings, or, like, just enjoy a few days on your own.

are you always this codependent?

Fedupwife28 · 27/05/2023 12:03

Have a wonderful time to yourself, you deserve it!

Natty13 · 27/05/2023 12:06

I mean this in the kindest way possible but hipefully you are realising that being raised by a martyr can be very damaging to children, particularly girls. I'd encourage you to really try to break the cycle your mum got you into so your own kids can grow up emotionally healthy and confident in themselves.

CC222 · 27/05/2023 12:07

Don't feel guilty at all! If you want to stay behind then do. Plan some fun/relaxing things for yourself. Make your self-care the focus (we all need self-care!) And enjoy it. The opportunity might not come around again so soon! 😊

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2023 12:07

You are being ridiculous let them crack on with it seriously give your self a talking to.

Dh used to take ours to a theme park trip every year I'd rather poke my eyes out so I stayed home. I saw it as a "bonding" weekend 😂

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2023 12:09

Natty13 · 27/05/2023 12:06

I mean this in the kindest way possible but hipefully you are realising that being raised by a martyr can be very damaging to children, particularly girls. I'd encourage you to really try to break the cycle your mum got you into so your own kids can grow up emotionally healthy and confident in themselves.

I agree with this, don't be a martyr.

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 12:09

Lidlpopdrinker · 27/05/2023 11:53

stop being so selfish. Your options are go along to an activity that everybody knows you hate so they’ll be conscious of your discomfort throughout which will probably ruin their enjoyment,, stop them from going altogether because of your sad feelings, or, like, just enjoy a few days on your own.

are you always this codependent?

I would never stop them from going. I would either go, and try to make the best of it or stay home. I don't think this is about being co-dependent, it's about guilt. As I've said, I've never had a problem with my DH doing his own thing and part of me loves the idea of a few days on my own. I am someone who has always enjoyed my own company. I just don't enjoy feeling guilty but, as I've said upthread, I can see that's something I need to work on.

OP posts:
Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 12:10

Natty13 · 27/05/2023 12:06

I mean this in the kindest way possible but hipefully you are realising that being raised by a martyr can be very damaging to children, particularly girls. I'd encourage you to really try to break the cycle your mum got you into so your own kids can grow up emotionally healthy and confident in themselves.

You are right. Thank you, and thank you for putting it so kindly.

OP posts:
Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 12:14

I really think you will be helping to advance the cause of women's rights if you could get over this and celebrate it as good for all involved.

I do like the idea that I would be lying on a sun lounger drinking gin in the middle of the day in the name of feminism 😄

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 12:21

Do what you would like your daughter to do, not what your mum would have done.

Preggobelly · 27/05/2023 12:22

Wow so many people on here are being unreasonably harsh and horrible.

I completely understand what you are feeling. I know if I were in your position I would feel the same. I don’t think it’s because of any weakness in you as a person or something you are doing wrong. You love your kids and are used to be there for them at any point they need you. Not being with them means you can’t do that and that makes you feel uncomfortable and guilty. You’re clearly a great mum who puts other people in front of herself all the time.

if you can, try and take the time to enjoy yourself 💗 plan something nice with friends, lunch, dinner, a spa day etc. that will keep you busy so you don’t feel guilty and at a loss but also will be nice for you to enjoy x

Natty13 · 27/05/2023 12:23

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 12:10

You are right. Thank you, and thank you for putting it so kindly.

Show quote history

Solidarity with you, my mum was also a people pleaser and it got me into some real trouble as a young adult. Years of therapy (and a wonderful independent mother in law!) has helped me break that cycle and um determined to raise my DD to be strong and confident in herself 😍

Also, men who can take their kids away and parents without needing any input from their wives are so sexy👌🏻 my DH takes ours to a hobby I'm not interested in and it's one of the things that I think will show my kids a great example of what a real man should be like xx

Peachy2005 · 27/05/2023 12:23

As you realise, this is your mum’s voice in your head making you feel guilty. If she says a thing in real life about this (or anything in future) just tell her to mind her own business. Get some therapy if you can’t break this guilt cycle. Enjoy your 3 days xx

Natty13 · 27/05/2023 12:23

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 12:21

Do what you would like your daughter to do, not what your mum would have done.

I love this comment and will be stealing it for future use. Perfection.