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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and if not why do I feel so guilty??

92 replies

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 09:51

We have two DC, aged 10 and 5. DH works FT and I work term-time only. I love having the holidays off with the DC and know I'm lucky, but being together 24/7 over the long summer break can be a bit draining at times!

We went abroad for 2 weeks over Easter so agreed we wouldn't do a big family holiday this summer. We've planned some nice day trips, and a long weekend visiting friends by the sea. But DH is now saying he also wants to do a trip away for 3 nights to a destination a couple of hours drive away. The trip would revolve entirely around a particular activity DH loves, and both kids also enjoy but I hate. I've done it in the past, for DH's sake, but he knows I didn't enjoy it and have no desire to do it again. So he is suggesting he takes both DC, and I stay at home and have a break.

Part of me wants to bite his hand off. Three whole nights to myself!!!...I haven't had the house to myself for more than a few hours since the kids were born!! DH is perfectly capable and relaxed about taking the kids away. I know they would have a good time. But I also feel guilty, like it's self indugent of me to stay behind and (I know this sounds daft) I'd feel really embarrassed about people knowing. I know I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks, but I feel like people will judge me for being selfish, or lazy.
I feel like Kevin's wife in Motherland!😂

Over the years I've looked after both DC alone while DH has been away for stag do's, a friends wedding abroad, festivals and golf trips with mates, not to mention several long haul business trips. So why do I feel like I'd be doing something wrong??

So WIBU to do this? If not, how do I not spend the whole time feeling guilty instead of enjoying the break??

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 27/05/2023 10:13

Theroad · 27/05/2023 10:07

Stop the silly hand wringing martyrdom OP - it sets women back. Why would you feel guilty? What man would ask such a stupid question and tie themselves in knots to "justify" a perfectly normal situation?

Quit the nonsense and enjoy your break.

Just about to say this. Women do themselves no favours behaving like this. Thread after thread from women whining that 'D'H has gone away for the weekend leaving them to look after the kids but if anyone suggests they have a child free weekend away themselves they couldn't possibly spend a single minute away from their children (despite them being teenagers).

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:17

AndTheSurveySays · 27/05/2023 09:58

I know I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks, but I feel like people will judge me for being selfish, or lazy

Is this how you feel about mothers that manage to have free time to themselves? I can't think why you would believe people will judge you for this unless you yourself would judge others for it.

God no! Not at all. I have a tendency to be hard on myself, and judge myself for things I'd never criticise others for. Goes back to childhood I think. But that's a whole other thread!!

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 27/05/2023 10:19

This sounds brilliant!

If it will make you feel better, you could spend a day getting something done. I would paint the skirting boards. Then it would be a schedule of things I love. Hairdressers, gym, walking, trash TV. Oh my, please don't waste this lovely opportunity with a moment's guilt. You spend every holiday with them. This is three nights. It will be as good for them as it is for you!!

I went on a once in a lifetime challenge (cycling the coast to coast) leaving my DC with their dad. It was great for all of us. DP has been on countless stag do and holidays with his friends. I don't feel a speck of guilt. In fact this is inspiring me to do something else!!

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 10:21

If you have a daughter, you need to set her a good example with your attitude to this, otherwise she'll absorb the internalised misogyny and carry those damaging thoughts into adulthood. If you have a son, ditto. Now leave this thread and start planning.

SummerHouse · 27/05/2023 10:23

I am not leaving this thread OP until you update that this is happening. Then I want a new thread entitled "Home alone for three days, what shall I do to make the most of this rare opportunity without DCs?" 😁

Sartre · 27/05/2023 10:23

No idea why you feel any sense of guilt at all. Your DH is their parent too so he wants to spend time with them and give you a break, nice one! Just bite his hand off and take it.

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:23

Who would judge?

I don't think any of my friends would. My DM definitely would. She's a good Mum in lots of ways and she doesn't mean to but she makes me feel a bit inadequate. She makes a lot of pointed comments about how I don't realise how lucky I am to have such a hands on DH (I do!), and how he does so much for the kids (like I don't!) and wasn't very supportive of my choice to go back to work after having them.

OP posts:
Thesunnymood · 27/05/2023 10:24

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 10:21

If you have a daughter, you need to set her a good example with your attitude to this, otherwise she'll absorb the internalised misogyny and carry those damaging thoughts into adulthood. If you have a son, ditto. Now leave this thread and start planning.

Amen to this

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2023 10:25

Bite his hand off!

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 10:25

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:23

Who would judge?

I don't think any of my friends would. My DM definitely would. She's a good Mum in lots of ways and she doesn't mean to but she makes me feel a bit inadequate. She makes a lot of pointed comments about how I don't realise how lucky I am to have such a hands on DH (I do!), and how he does so much for the kids (like I don't!) and wasn't very supportive of my choice to go back to work after having them.

You're a grown woman! A taxpayer! A parent! Stand in your power. Be the woman you want your children to learn from.

luladebulachops · 27/05/2023 10:26

What a fab husband. He's come up with a perfectly workable solution. You get peace and quiet. He gets a great break with the kids without feeling stressed about dragging you to do something you don't enjoy.

MrsSamR · 27/05/2023 10:27

Mum guilt is real so I hear ya but please jump at this opportunity and have a few nights to yourself!

quietnightmare · 27/05/2023 10:28

Sounds like you both respect each other and he is offering for your needs to be met just like his do with his trips away.

Absolutely do it. Wine, books, meet up with friends, get a takeaway each night.

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:29

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 10:25

You're a grown woman! A taxpayer! A parent! Stand in your power. Be the woman you want your children to learn from.

Show quote history

I know I must sound pathetic. I'm actually very confident and assertive in my professional life. Known for not taking any shit. But I've always been hugely susceptible to 'mum guilt'. I'm very decisive in other areas of my life, but when it comes to parenting any time I take the easy road or try to let myself off the hook for something I have this little nagging voice telling me its not good enough.

OP posts:
INamechangedForThisMadness · 27/05/2023 10:32

Absolutely take that opportunity for some time to yourself! It sounds perfect!

Also, I recommend booking your kids into one day of holiday club a week over the summer. Everyone needs time away from each other occasionally.

We have a local scheme that runs all kinds of camps & activities. Sometimes just a couple of hours "mini camp" is enough to restore some sanity

Sandylanes69 · 27/05/2023 10:33

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:29

I know I must sound pathetic. I'm actually very confident and assertive in my professional life. Known for not taking any shit. But I've always been hugely susceptible to 'mum guilt'. I'm very decisive in other areas of my life, but when it comes to parenting any time I take the easy road or try to let myself off the hook for something I have this little nagging voice telling me its not good enough.

Show quote history

Think seriously about what you want your children to learn from you. Do you want them having these same feelings of guilt when they grow up? Martyr yourself and they'll become martyrs themselves, or go the opposite way and become bullies towards their spouses.

SummerHouse · 27/05/2023 10:35

Literally everyone on this thread is telling you to do this and not feel guilty. There's some deeper work to be done I think on your tendency to martyrdom (and I say this kindly as a terrible martyr myself, also probably inherited from my mum) but this three day break is a good start! And it should only be the start of your journey towards freedom from mum guilt. A total waste of emotion.

Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:38

There's some deeper work to be done I think on your tendency to martyrdom (and I say this kindly as a terrible martyr myself, also probably inherited from my mum)

I think you're right. This thread has been a bit of an eye opener.

OP posts:
Original poster
TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:47

INamechangedForThisMadness · 27/05/2023 10:32

Absolutely take that opportunity for some time to yourself! It sounds perfect!

Also, I recommend booking your kids into one day of holiday club a week over the summer. Everyone needs time away from each other occasionally.

We have a local scheme that runs all kinds of camps & activities. Sometimes just a couple of hours "mini camp" is enough to restore some sanity

I did book my older DC on a 5 day holiday thing last summer. It was run by the dance school she goes to on weekends, a couple of her friends from school were going and she desperately wanted to do it. I even felt a bit guilty for that, despite it being her idea!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/05/2023 10:50

TherapySquirrel · 27/05/2023 10:23

Who would judge?

I don't think any of my friends would. My DM definitely would. She's a good Mum in lots of ways and she doesn't mean to but she makes me feel a bit inadequate. She makes a lot of pointed comments about how I don't realise how lucky I am to have such a hands on DH (I do!), and how he does so much for the kids (like I don't!) and wasn't very supportive of my choice to go back to work after having them.

Don't tell her, then.

If you're worried about feeling bored and guilty, book yourself two days away doing something you want to do - the fabled MN spa break, a trip to go shopping/surfing/fishing/see a play/horseriding/visit a stately home with gardens/birdwatching/abseiling with a night in a nice boutique hotel, one sat staring out to sea or at the ceiling of a fancy swimming pool - something they would either rather do three hours of homework and tidy their rooms than participate in or would just make it not as fun or exciting because it would need to be centred around their needs.

It's perfect if there are things that you'd like that they'd rather boil their own eyeballs than participate in - you'd be doing them a favour, surely?

And then you have a night and day after that to enjoy having the house to yourself and probably guilt clean, fold socks or something before they come back to bore you silly tell you all about what they did.

Createausername1970 · 27/05/2023 11:15

Don't tell you mum!

Createausername1970 · 27/05/2023 11:16

your

AlligatorPsychopath · 27/05/2023 11:18

I voted YABU because you're being really freaking weird and martyrish about this!

Just tell your guilt to shut up and get on with looking forward to it, FGS!

AlligatorPsychopath · 27/05/2023 11:24

Also, nobody likes a martyr. It's the most obnoxious, passive-aggressive way of carrying on.

I used to get "mum guilt" when I was working and had v young DC. I picked up from somewhere this tip: guilt is a completely useless emotion. Does it indicate an actual change in behaviour you want or need to make? If yes, then make it. If no - dump the fucking guilt overboard already, it's not helping anyone. I used to literally form a mental picture of myself pushing the guilt overboard, and it sinking. It worked. Just in case you find it useful too.

GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2023 11:24

Accept his offer. Which is only fair as you've done the same in the past.

By doing so you set a good example to your children. Look after yourself, look after each other.

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