Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Disappointed’

59 replies

Senzi · 27/05/2023 09:30

Do you use this word with your children? Do you think it can have a really negative impact later in life creating feelings of low self worth and esteem if used frequently?
Is it ok or does it lead to feelings or never being good enough?

I don’t mean very young children who’ve misbehaved, more about children making choices which don’t meet your expectations.

OP posts:
Strawberrypineapple · 27/05/2023 09:35

I see it may have a place but I don’t like it: it makes the behaviour all about you and how it impacts on you. It’s often a certain ‘type’ of parent who finds their child sitting exams horrendously stressful.

HerbsandSpices · 27/05/2023 09:42

Surely it depends how it is used? Disappointed in their grades when they've done their best - inappropriate. Disappointed because they stole something - appropriate. I've sometimes told my children I'm disappointed for them if they are disappointed something didn't come off for them.

TheGriffle · 27/05/2023 09:44

My mother told me she wouldn’t be angry if I got a tattoo at 18 but she’d be very disappointed in me. I got the tattoo (and 4 more after that!) and our relationship hasn’t changed. I still remember her words though!

Divorcedalongtime · 27/05/2023 09:46

I have said it when it’s been things that they knew they shouldn’t do (like online safety) but I agree it’s not great and probably is better not used at all

Iwrotethissong · 27/05/2023 10:00

I've told my dc not 5 minutes ago I'm disappointed in them.
I asked for 10 minutes peace to make a picnic and I've come in to them rolling about on the floor fighting over a bloody cushion, instead of getting their shoes and sunhat ready.
I don't think they'll be scarred for life.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/05/2023 10:03

I think it’s very effective if used in the right context … as @Iwrotethissong .

I was far more likely to think about my behaviour when my mum said this than if she’d shouted and ranted.

MichelleScarn · 27/05/2023 10:07

FrenchandSaunders · 27/05/2023 10:03

I think it’s very effective if used in the right context … as @Iwrotethissong .

I was far more likely to think about my behaviour when my mum said this than if she’d shouted and ranted.

Agree with this, if someone has feelings of low self worth as an adult for being told something they'd done had disappointed a parent, I'd think there was much more going on in the background than just that.

Original poster
Senzi · 27/05/2023 10:11

What about things like not doing well in school (and not trying or putting in any effort) or not wanting to attend church with you and follow your faith, or eating foods which you don’t approve of.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 27/05/2023 10:14

Not trying in school is disappointing if they’re not putting any effort in … it’s not about grades but doing the best they can, whatever that may be.

Church/faith when they get a bit older is their choice not ours.

Food , same really.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/05/2023 10:14

What age are we taking about here?

Original poster
Senzi · 27/05/2023 10:15

FrenchandSaunders · 27/05/2023 10:14

What age are we taking about here?

Any age from 9 or 10?

OP posts:
MaMisled · 27/05/2023 10:17

Apparently I have a " disappointed look" and grown up DC say it slays them every time. 🫤

Opaque11 · 27/05/2023 10:19

What's wrong with telling your dc that you are disappointed? Now we should shield them from anything negative too? HmmI tell that to my dc if they have done something that I know they shouldn't have done.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 10:19

Senzi · 27/05/2023 10:11

What about things like not doing well in school (and not trying or putting in any effort) or not wanting to attend church with you and follow your faith, or eating foods which you don’t approve of.

I wouldn't use disappointed in those circumstances.

In fact (I've told this story many times on Mn) at 6yo I stopped taking my ds to church. This was after the pastor in family service asked the children if they had any questions.

Ds' hand goes up.

He asks "why do you keep saying god events the world when we all know it was the Big Bang and dinosaurs ruled before we came along"

I wasn't in the slightest bit disappointed in his opinion. Or disappointed he asked the pastor (in a room full of people 🫣). I was proud of him. But it was clear church wasn't something for him after that 🤣🤣

However I would be disappointed if he stole something. He knows better than that. He knows he can ask for anything he wants and although he's not guaranteed to get it we will discuss ways it could happen or make a plan. I would listen to why he did it first and empathise with why he felt trapped into this being the best way forward. But I'd be disappointed he chose that path and he'd absolutely know about it Grin

MissyB1 · 27/05/2023 10:20

I would tell my 14 year old I was disappointed if he made a stupid choice behaviour wise, or if I thought he wasn’t making any effort at school. It’s not about grades for me school wise, it’s about effort and behaviour.
Luckily I haven’t had to say it, but if needed to I would.

TeenLifeMum · 27/05/2023 10:20

I told dtds I was disappointed when they lied recently. They’re 11 and damaged the house then hid it and lied for hours. The damage was annoying but the lying disappointing. That was appropriate.

grades, I’m not ever going to say I’m disappointed although I’d feel disappointed if they didn’t try.

alwaysmovingforwards · 27/05/2023 10:22

Making sure the language is targeted. To be disappointed in a person is very holistic. To be disappointed in a specific behaviour is different.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 10:22

With grades at school I've always told ds it's horrid to feel disappointed in a grade. Sometimes that disappointed isn't avoidable.

But he has to decide whether he wants disappointments in the grade and to be disappointed in himself because he knows he could have made more effort and done better.

If he can handle being lazy, not getting the grade he wants - or even needs for what he wants to do next - then that's on him.

Better to learn at 15/16/18 the lesson that rewards requires effort than at 50 where it's much harder to have the time and opportunities to turn it around positively.

Okshacky · 27/05/2023 10:23

It’s fine so long as the child is allowed to voice their disappointment in the same way.

bobotothegogo · 27/05/2023 10:25

There has been a trend with the most recent generations where parents have been encouraged to never show their anger or disappointment with their children's behaviour.

As a teacher, I am more frequently seeing children with no resilience, who cannot handle gentle criticism or being told that their effort or attitude isn't good enough. Children who expect to sit and do bugger all and get praise and rewards. Children who seem genuinely confused or even outraged at others daring to question their actions when they have hurt or let down others.

To some extent this practice is seeping into schools too, where children are given rewards without expectation and never sanctioned, and anger and disappointment is never expressed to them.

Now, obviously, there are appropriate times and limits to how and when you express disappointment in children, but in order to raise children up to be decent, diligent, compassionate adults, they need to have expectations placed upon them. Children need to know that their actions and choices can affect not only themselves.

FinallyHere · 27/05/2023 10:30

not doing well in school definitely not

not trying or putting in any effort, might be worth it as a one off, but helping the child understand how they are only really damaging their own results would be better, if it can be done alongside working his what is stopping them from doing well and getting that sorted.

Not trying is about not wanting to fail, which is understandable.

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 10:33

I don’t think anyone can answer this definitively.

It’s a word. It’s appropriate to use sometimes. Sometimes it is not appropriate. I am sure some parents could use it as a way to shame their children. If it wasn’t disappointed it would be any word.

I think most use it appropriately

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 10:47

bobotothegogo · 27/05/2023 10:25

There has been a trend with the most recent generations where parents have been encouraged to never show their anger or disappointment with their children's behaviour.

As a teacher, I am more frequently seeing children with no resilience, who cannot handle gentle criticism or being told that their effort or attitude isn't good enough. Children who expect to sit and do bugger all and get praise and rewards. Children who seem genuinely confused or even outraged at others daring to question their actions when they have hurt or let down others.

To some extent this practice is seeping into schools too, where children are given rewards without expectation and never sanctioned, and anger and disappointment is never expressed to them.

Now, obviously, there are appropriate times and limits to how and when you express disappointment in children, but in order to raise children up to be decent, diligent, compassionate adults, they need to have expectations placed upon them. Children need to know that their actions and choices can affect not only themselves.

Excellently put.

FeelingOverwhelmedAgain · 27/05/2023 10:53

I've told DS(12) that it will be disappointing if he gets poor grades in the end of year exams. I guess this is saying I will be disappointed with him?

This is because he's a clever boy who has done well in tests all year and is very able to revise.

I don't see the issue here?

It's different from saying if you don't get into X university (for example) as there are other factors at play out of his control.

Can someone explain why I shouldn't use this term please.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 11:00

FeelingOverwhelmedAgain · 27/05/2023 10:53

I've told DS(12) that it will be disappointing if he gets poor grades in the end of year exams. I guess this is saying I will be disappointed with him?

This is because he's a clever boy who has done well in tests all year and is very able to revise.

I don't see the issue here?

It's different from saying if you don't get into X university (for example) as there are other factors at play out of his control.

Can someone explain why I shouldn't use this term please.

Why did you say it'll be disappointing?

Is it because he's not been applying himself as much as he can/should?

You've had reports of silly behaviour and lack of focus in school?

It just seems odd that you'd say out of nowhere it'll be disappointing if you've no reason to believe the grades he gets won't reflect the ability he has.

Because if you just want him to get good grades always in everything you may have to manage you're personal expectations.
Secondary school is totally different and their strengths and weakness's come to light because the focus is no longer just in a limited range of core skills.