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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Disappointed’

59 replies

Senzi · 27/05/2023 09:30

Do you use this word with your children? Do you think it can have a really negative impact later in life creating feelings of low self worth and esteem if used frequently?
Is it ok or does it lead to feelings or never being good enough?

I don’t mean very young children who’ve misbehaved, more about children making choices which don’t meet your expectations.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 27/05/2023 11:03

bobotothegogo · 27/05/2023 10:25

There has been a trend with the most recent generations where parents have been encouraged to never show their anger or disappointment with their children's behaviour.

As a teacher, I am more frequently seeing children with no resilience, who cannot handle gentle criticism or being told that their effort or attitude isn't good enough. Children who expect to sit and do bugger all and get praise and rewards. Children who seem genuinely confused or even outraged at others daring to question their actions when they have hurt or let down others.

To some extent this practice is seeping into schools too, where children are given rewards without expectation and never sanctioned, and anger and disappointment is never expressed to them.

Now, obviously, there are appropriate times and limits to how and when you express disappointment in children, but in order to raise children up to be decent, diligent, compassionate adults, they need to have expectations placed upon them. Children need to know that their actions and choices can affect not only themselves.

Yes! I’m a T.A. and see this too.

MrsAvocet · 27/05/2023 11:03

Disappointed about something - yes.
Disappointed in them - rarely. * *

FeelingOverwhelmedAgain · 27/05/2023 11:07

I said it will be disappointing if he doesn't bother to revise and then doesn't do well in the end of year tests. Like many children his age revising is boring for him but a little needs to be done if he wants to get the grades he enjoys getting.

I don't expect him to get good grades in everything always. I know this won't be possible. He likes to and I'm pleased he has this attitude. It may all change when we hit the teen years.

averythinline · 27/05/2023 11:13

i never ever use it......its awful emotionally manipulative/damaging word

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/05/2023 11:22

Senzi · 27/05/2023 10:11

What about things like not doing well in school (and not trying or putting in any effort) or not wanting to attend church with you and follow your faith, or eating foods which you don’t approve of.

Effort is the focus for us at school. Not every child can get great grades. If they weren't working hard and trying I might say I was disappointed then, but not for grades. Faith and food I wouldn't use that language around no. Behaviour like hitting your brother, yes I'm disappointed if they fight physically or say mean things to each other on purpose. I always flag that it's the behaviour that I'm disappointed by.

DM said this a lot when we were kids and I think you do have to be careful how it's said and how often, it hit me hard at times. DM being disappointed always got to me, anger not so much, if she yelled I yelled back, if she was disappointed my heart sank. I do feel she used it too much and I'm too much of a people pleaser and have no self esteem left anymore, but the later is more about my stbxh then my DM parenting.

FatCatBum · 27/05/2023 11:23

Well I would say that disappointed would be an appropriate word to use if they haven't tried or put in effort because you should try your best. It would be inappropriate if they have tried their best but not got the result that was hoped for (although it depends on the context, disappointed for them is different to they have disappointed you)

Seriously though, if hearing that their parents are disappointed is going to mess someone up for life, they probably need to work on their resilience because life can be negative and unfair, and we can't get rid of any slightly negative language around children in case it affects their self esteem in later life

Original poster
Senzi · 27/05/2023 11:30

I think it’s fine for teachers to use in a school setting where appropriate but not so much for parents to use as children are far more likely to worry about what their parents think of them rather than a teacher

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 27/05/2023 11:33

Senzi · 27/05/2023 11:30

I think it’s fine for teachers to use in a school setting where appropriate but not so much for parents to use as children are far more likely to worry about what their parents think of them rather than a teacher

Sometimes kids make disappointing choices and they let themselves down, it’s ok to tell them that.

bobotothegogo · 27/05/2023 11:38

Senzi · 27/05/2023 11:30

I think it’s fine for teachers to use in a school setting where appropriate but not so much for parents to use as children are far more likely to worry about what their parents think of them rather than a teacher

There needs to be consistency and cohesion between school and home. Expectations should be similar in the two environments. And children should be encouraged to care about what their teachers think of them!

WandaWonder · 27/05/2023 11:44

Can you just tell us what you asking and please stop the drip feeding?

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2023 11:50

bobotothegogo
I notice that too. Some parents seem to think that their role as parents is to prevent their children experiencing anything other than positive emotions and to prevent their children having anything other than praise. It's noticeable how much more some students rely on external motivation than internal motivation. I don't think it's a coincidence that the trend for lavishing praise and shielding form criticism has happened at the same time.

I'm for giving out praise, but I also want my DC to have intrinsic motivation and a sense of what's right and wrong. Tiptoeing around constructive feedback, honest and fair conversations about behaviour and attitude isn't going to teach them what's ok and what isn't. It's going to lead to them performing whatever behaviour they think will get an adult to praise them or reward them.

knitpicker · 27/05/2023 12:06

as a previous poster said - disappointed in a behavior, fine. Otherwise I prefer the term - you’re better than this. It communicates that you still hold them in esteem but they should hold themselves to a higher standard

bobotothegogo · 27/05/2023 12:10

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2023 11:50

bobotothegogo
I notice that too. Some parents seem to think that their role as parents is to prevent their children experiencing anything other than positive emotions and to prevent their children having anything other than praise. It's noticeable how much more some students rely on external motivation than internal motivation. I don't think it's a coincidence that the trend for lavishing praise and shielding form criticism has happened at the same time.

I'm for giving out praise, but I also want my DC to have intrinsic motivation and a sense of what's right and wrong. Tiptoeing around constructive feedback, honest and fair conversations about behaviour and attitude isn't going to teach them what's ok and what isn't. It's going to lead to them performing whatever behaviour they think will get an adult to praise them or reward them.

Yes, we're effectively giving into "negative attention seeking" as it used to be called.

I think the current trend of angry and violent children in schools is in part due to them never seeing anger or disappointment being expressed in a healthy way. Some are exposed to extreme anger and violence of course, sadly, but in many "good" families, it's being suppressed and never communicated in a safe, appropriate way.

The same with shame and shaming people. I understand why we have moved away from using shaming language and are careful of not shaming people, but isn't it important to understand the feelings of guilt and even shame? Aren't these feelings what make us grow and better ourselves?

Fandabedodgy · 27/05/2023 12:25

Yes I do. Better than being angry. More effective.

I also find it effective with DH, colleagues and line reports.

MargaretThursday · 27/05/2023 12:40

What are you suggesting someone uses instead?

I was negatively pleased?

Or are you suggesting that nothing that could be seen as a criticism should be said to a child? I don't think that's helpful to anyone, least of all the child.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 27/05/2023 12:46

Totally agree withbobo.
I tell DD I am disappointed if she has disappointed me. I am trying to raise a well rounded adult, not a wet lettuce who thinks I'll stroke her hair and fix all her problems. She fucks up, I'm disappointed. And I'm not talking food or religion, I'm talking school mostly, but some bad choices socially too. She'll be considerably more damaged as an adult by those things than by her mum who adores her expressing disappointment.

Fairislefandango · 27/05/2023 12:50

No. I have never used it with my dc and I don't use it as a teacher either. I find it emotionally manipulative. Judgment of whether the child's behaviour is ok or not shouldn't really be based on my feelings (unless the bad behaviour involved them saying something horrible or deliberately hurtful to/about me personally).

(I've told DS(12) that it will be disappointing if he gets poor grades in the end of year exams. I guess this is saying I will be disappointed with him?*

I don't think that's the same as saying 'I am disappointed in you'. But in any case, ideally it's himself he should be aiming to avoid disappointing, not you.

Sigmama · 27/05/2023 12:51

No I don't say it to them and no one's ever said it to me, but I do tell them if they've done something wrong, just the word disappointed is a bit wanky

UsingChangeofName · 27/05/2023 13:13

FrenchandSaunders · 27/05/2023 10:03

I think it’s very effective if used in the right context … as @Iwrotethissong .

I was far more likely to think about my behaviour when my mum said this than if she’d shouted and ranted.

Agree with this, both from being a child and hearing it, and about my (now adult) dcs' reaction or response if I've had call to use it with regard to any of their behaviours.

What about things like not doing well in school (and not trying or putting in any effort) or not wanting to attend church with you and follow your faith, or eating foods which you don’t approve of.
Well, I wouldn't use it for not attending Church with me or for foods (not sure I have foods I don't approve of, but...).
Not putting in effort, and not doing well are 2 different issues.

Agree with all those saying being disappointed in a choice they have made or a behaviour is not the same as being disappointed in the child.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 13:14

FeelingOverwhelmedAgain · 27/05/2023 11:07

I said it will be disappointing if he doesn't bother to revise and then doesn't do well in the end of year tests. Like many children his age revising is boring for him but a little needs to be done if he wants to get the grades he enjoys getting.

I don't expect him to get good grades in everything always. I know this won't be possible. He likes to and I'm pleased he has this attitude. It may all change when we hit the teen years.

Personally I see that as fine. As you said the disappointment is in the not bothering because that'll affect the outcome.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 13:17

Sometimes kids make disappointing choices and they let themselves down, it’s ok to tell them that.

Oh yea. I remember the "you've let yourself down" bit being the sentence that let you know you'd gone too far.

Growing up I'd have rather been screamed at that be told that immortal line by my parents or teachers Grin (especially when said so calmly in a low slow manner.)

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/05/2023 13:17

I remember the one occasion on which my dad used it of me, nearly 50 yeas ago. It dd not make me change my behaviour, or feel bad about what I was doing. It changed my view of him.

MissyB1 · 27/05/2023 13:19

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 13:17

Sometimes kids make disappointing choices and they let themselves down, it’s ok to tell them that.

Oh yea. I remember the "you've let yourself down" bit being the sentence that let you know you'd gone too far.

Growing up I'd have rather been screamed at that be told that immortal line by my parents or teachers Grin (especially when said so calmly in a low slow manner.)

Ha ha yes it used to be “You’ve let yourself down and you’ve let me down”

Not words I ever wanted to hear, but on a couple of occasions I definitely deserved it.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 13:20

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2023 11:50

bobotothegogo
I notice that too. Some parents seem to think that their role as parents is to prevent their children experiencing anything other than positive emotions and to prevent their children having anything other than praise. It's noticeable how much more some students rely on external motivation than internal motivation. I don't think it's a coincidence that the trend for lavishing praise and shielding form criticism has happened at the same time.

I'm for giving out praise, but I also want my DC to have intrinsic motivation and a sense of what's right and wrong. Tiptoeing around constructive feedback, honest and fair conversations about behaviour and attitude isn't going to teach them what's ok and what isn't. It's going to lead to them performing whatever behaviour they think will get an adult to praise them or reward them.

Absolutely. I've said the same re internal and external motivation so many times over the past 5 years - more so than than previous years in education.

Pupils seem to think sitting and working and producing something they can that matches the level they can should be rewarded with an all singing and dancing response.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2023 13:23

Missy 🤣🤣🤣 so true.

I always got "you've let me down. But importantly you've let yourself down"