‘Disappointed’

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Do you use this word with your children? Do you think it can have a really negative impact later in life creating feelings of low self worth and esteem if used frequently?
Is it ok or does it lead to feelings or never being good enough?

I don’t mean very young children who’ve misbehaved, more about children making choices which don’t meet your expectations.

Iv only used it in context of incredibly bad behaviour when they have been under someone else's supervision.

Exactly this. I’m a churchgoer - my DC stopped going at about 10 - I would not have dreamed of guilt tripping them.

Being bone idle though - that’s different. But I don’t say I’m disappointed, I tell them they will probably be disappointed with themselves at some point.

Absolutely. I've said the same re internal and external motivation so many times over the past 5 years - more so than than previous years in education.

Pupils seem to think sitting and working and producing something they can that matches the level they can should be rewarded with an all singing and dancing response
Agreed.
What I've found really interesting is when I've sat down with students, including those who display poor behaviour, they KNOW when praise is deserved, when it's not, and when it's not.

It's no surprise to me that the teachers who are sincere with praise and have high expectations tend to have good behaviour in their classes, and the teachers who are handing out stickers for completing the bare minimum at best are always on the back foot. The students themselves have told me that they know who expects what, so if staff don't expect them to do much why would they bother.

I knew I'd made it as a teacher when my classes told me they'd never act up for a supply teacher because they knew I'd be disappointed. I don't think it's a bad thing to have standards.

My father told me he was 'disappointed' with my O level grades when I was 16. I did my best.
Although we have a good relationship, those words have always stuck with me, they made me feel shit and a failure.
I make sure I never say I'm disappointed in my children.

I've said I'm 'disappointed in your behaviour'

There are all kinds of words to describe how you feel; disappointed, angry, frustrated, mad, sad, confused, embarrassed…. Use them as you see fit, nothing wrong with letting kids know their actions and behavior has consequences.

Equally there’s all the good stuff; happy, pleased, proud, grateful…

My mother never had to use the word, because the wieght of her expectation was enough for me to fully understand her feelings when that expectation was not met.

With my son - I've always told him to live his life the best way he can and I will help him achieve that. From the earliest age. Hence not making him participate in sports day!

He once asked me if I would ever be disappointed in him and I said "if you did something like be a serial killer, I would be disappointed in myself, not you. Because for you to disappoint me, I would need to have expectations of you, and I don't."

I work on myself to stop myself having those expectations. Alas, his father uses the 'disappointment' card aplenty.

Disappointment only ever says anything about the person who is disappointed. That's what I tell my son.

I think it's horrible personally. Exdp's parents use it all the time to him, usually when he doesn't do what they want him to or expect of him. He has a whole host of issues as an adult because he so desperately wants to avoid 'disappointing' them he does virtually anything they ask so I suppose from their point of view it's served its purpose.
My own mum has her faults but has never told me she is disappointed in me despite me doing some pretty shitty things when I was younger, including getting arrested. I'm sure she was disappointed but her verbalising that would just have made me feel even worse and not helped my situation. I think saying you're disappointed can make your child's behaviour about you and not them, so they'll try to behave solely to avoid a negative reaction from you rather than because they developed a moral compass.

What about things like not doing well in school (and not trying or putting in any effort) or not wanting to attend church with you and follow your faith, or eating foods which you don’t approve of.

I think that saying you're disappointed in your child for not going to church or following your faith is appalling tbh. Ditto with the food thing.

As for not making an effort in school,I don't think making them feel ashamed by telling them you're disappointed in them is the best way to make them try harder. Pointing out the likely consequences of not working hard at school, and bring encouraging and suggesting ways to improve, would be much more helpful.