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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to ask ex for money?

68 replies

CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 09:24

Ex isn’t overly involved but does speak to the kids on the phone on messages (but rarely sees them) and doesn’t pay maintenance, often my kids will ask for money for things but I can’t afford to keep buying things so I will have to tell them no sometimes, I’ve suggested they ask their father for money for things sometimes rather than just asking me but then I wondered if that was ok or should I not be suggesting they ask him for money? (They are reluctant to ask him)

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 27/05/2023 09:28

You have chosen not to force the issue of maintenance though? Just why isn’t he paying?

get cracking with CMS

abstractplantpot · 27/05/2023 09:28

I think if they are his children he should be paying maintenance and i would have zero guilt about allowing them to ask him for mine.

abstractplantpot · 27/05/2023 09:29

*money

DysmalRadius · 27/05/2023 09:31

It's hard asking an uninvolved parent for money. Having been in your kids' shoes, I do question whether it would be better for the maintenence situation to be resolved rather than them being responsible for ad hoc requests.

Waitingforsummer75 · 27/05/2023 09:34

How old are the children?
My ex is the same, sporadic contact at best, no maintenance, DS asks him for money for petrol etc but he's, obviously, an older teen.

Chowtime · 27/05/2023 09:36

Depends how old they are

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 09:39

Actually I think YABVU.

It’s your job to go to CMS and get maintenance. I don’t think it’s fair to absolve yourself of that and just pass the buck to your children.

Unless there’s some huge back story/drip feed.

Sometimeswinning · 27/05/2023 09:41

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 09:39

Actually I think YABVU.

It’s your job to go to CMS and get maintenance. I don’t think it’s fair to absolve yourself of that and just pass the buck to your children.

Unless there’s some huge back story/drip feed.

This was my first thought! How old are your children?

Divorcedalongtime · 27/05/2023 09:44

This is hard and I’m in the same boat. I did go the child support route but he is self employed and declares not enough so there is nothing they can take and give to me.

I’ve some times said for my kids to ask their dad and sometimes I have asked him but mostly I have to say no or just find the money myself

FloweryName · 27/05/2023 09:45

Your children have given you the answer to this by telling you they don’t want to ask him. Don’t put pressure on them to ask, it is completely unfair on them.

SeasonFinale · 27/05/2023 09:46

I agree sort out maintenance then you may be able to afford the things that you are asking them to ask him for.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 09:47

I’m with cms there are no payments. It’s mainly my son that asks and he is 11.

OP posts:
HouseWonders · 27/05/2023 09:47

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 09:39

Actually I think YABVU.

It’s your job to go to CMS and get maintenance. I don’t think it’s fair to absolve yourself of that and just pass the buck to your children.

Unless there’s some huge back story/drip feed.

I agree with this.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 09:48

FloweryName · 27/05/2023 09:45

Your children have given you the answer to this by telling you they don’t want to ask him. Don’t put pressure on them to ask, it is completely unfair on them.

I’m not putting pressure on him he hasn’t asked yet because he was worried he will say no but I say no and it doesn’t stop him asking me

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 27/05/2023 10:22

I completely understand why you'd want to say this to your son but I don't think it's fair. If you, an adult, are unable to extract any money from the ex to help raise his own children how will an 11 year old manage it? Not to mention the extra painful blow of having his own father say point-blank that he'll refuse to help him.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 10:26

He would not refuse to him. He has sent money for games before to him (he initiated it my son didn’t ask for games) I wouldn’t tell him to ask if I knew he would say no.

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 27/05/2023 10:38

CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 10:26

He would not refuse to him. He has sent money for games before to him (he initiated it my son didn’t ask for games) I wouldn’t tell him to ask if I knew he would say no.

Ah fair enough then, I'm pleased to be wrong!

I suppose I assumed he's just feckless all round as he doesn't pay any maintenance.

Changechangechanging · 27/05/2023 10:46

You have chosen not to force the issue of maintenance though? Just why isn’t he paying?

after 8 years of no payments, many hours lost waiting in phone queues, time spent trying to gather sufficient evidence that my Ex had a significant income…..I didn’t sign up for the CMS when the CSA system closed down. The money owed to that point was written off by the CSA. I cannot explain how freeing that was, and how much easier it made my life. I made a choice to bring up my children as best I was able and be satisfied that they would know he did sod all. No bitterness, no constant reminders of the injustice of it all, just me doing me.

Sometimes, letting things go is all we have. The system is utter shite and places an unfair burden of evidence on the PWC. Many, many petitions demanding reform later, nothing changes. Women and children are not the priority of any government.

Divorcedalongtime · 27/05/2023 10:58

Changechangechanging · 27/05/2023 10:46

You have chosen not to force the issue of maintenance though? Just why isn’t he paying?

after 8 years of no payments, many hours lost waiting in phone queues, time spent trying to gather sufficient evidence that my Ex had a significant income…..I didn’t sign up for the CMS when the CSA system closed down. The money owed to that point was written off by the CSA. I cannot explain how freeing that was, and how much easier it made my life. I made a choice to bring up my children as best I was able and be satisfied that they would know he did sod all. No bitterness, no constant reminders of the injustice of it all, just me doing me.

Sometimes, letting things go is all we have. The system is utter shite and places an unfair burden of evidence on the PWC. Many, many petitions demanding reform later, nothing changes. Women and children are not the priority of any government.

This wholeheartedly….

RelaxingClassics · 27/05/2023 11:07

Please don't put your child in this situation. Children should never be used as messengers or to communicate things that the adults don't feel comfortable talking about. If YOU don't want to ask the ex for money anymore then why would an 11 year old. It feels like you are doing it to show your ex up or to damage his relationship with your child/ren. Which I can completely understand. But there is so much research that tells us that being involved in this kind of parental conflict is very damaging for children.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:08

RelaxingClassics · 27/05/2023 11:07

Please don't put your child in this situation. Children should never be used as messengers or to communicate things that the adults don't feel comfortable talking about. If YOU don't want to ask the ex for money anymore then why would an 11 year old. It feels like you are doing it to show your ex up or to damage his relationship with your child/ren. Which I can completely understand. But there is so much research that tells us that being involved in this kind of parental conflict is very damaging for children.

No I’m not , he is their father why shouldn’t they ask him for money they ask me

OP posts:
NotmykingEatCake · 27/05/2023 11:10

My mum did this to me. It was horrible. I still remember all the issues it caused.

Sort money out with the other grown adult.

tenterden · 27/05/2023 11:10

Why isn’t he paying maintenance? Then you wouldn’t have to deal with all this nonsense.

RedHelenB · 27/05/2023 11:12

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 09:39

Actually I think YABVU.

It’s your job to go to CMS and get maintenance. I don’t think it’s fair to absolve yourself of that and just pass the buck to your children.

Unless there’s some huge back story/drip feed.

This. Don't put the kids in the middle.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:16

tenterden · 27/05/2023 11:10

Why isn’t he paying maintenance? Then you wouldn’t have to deal with all this nonsense.

He doesn’t have to, so kids can ask mum for money but not dad?

OP posts: