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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to ask ex for money?

68 replies

CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 09:24

Ex isn’t overly involved but does speak to the kids on the phone on messages (but rarely sees them) and doesn’t pay maintenance, often my kids will ask for money for things but I can’t afford to keep buying things so I will have to tell them no sometimes, I’ve suggested they ask their father for money for things sometimes rather than just asking me but then I wondered if that was ok or should I not be suggesting they ask him for money? (They are reluctant to ask him)

OP posts:
VickyInTheVipersNest · 27/05/2023 11:19

Why doesn't he have to pay maintenance though? Is he unemployed? That is rough but I don't imagine he has any money if that is the case! Crap of him though and I wish it was possible to make parents work and pay for their own kids (assuming they are able to)

Theunamedcat · 27/05/2023 11:23

Kids should feel comfortable asking both parents for money its unfair that the burden is solely on your shoulders

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:26

VickyInTheVipersNest · 27/05/2023 11:19

Why doesn't he have to pay maintenance though? Is he unemployed? That is rough but I don't imagine he has any money if that is the case! Crap of him though and I wish it was possible to make parents work and pay for their own kids (assuming they are able to)

He is unemployed yes but he gets money through other means

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 11:27

Sure they can ask him for money off their own bat, but you shouldn't be telling them to ask him when you're not willing to ask yourself. He sounds awful btw 😥

Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 11:28

What's 'through other means'? Sounds dodge.

whynotwhatknot · 27/05/2023 11:29

report him to hmrc then if hes working cash in hand or whatever it is

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:32

Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 11:27

Sure they can ask him for money off their own bat, but you shouldn't be telling them to ask him when you're not willing to ask yourself. He sounds awful btw 😥

i did in the past years ago but he refused. He wouldn’t say no to them directly though

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:32

Not reporting him…

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 11:35

I see your dilemma but really it's not right to put kids in that position. Why can't you do CMS?

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:39

I have a case and have for 6 years there are no payments and never have had any

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 27/05/2023 11:42

LOL at the posts suggesting CMS are the problem solvers Grin

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:46

Sux2buthen · 27/05/2023 11:42

LOL at the posts suggesting CMS are the problem solvers Grin

Exactly if only it was that simple. Cms have told me they can’t take any money off him and they can’t force him to pay. Their words.

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 27/05/2023 11:46

AIBU? - YES

Child doesn't want to ask so stop forcing it

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:50

twoandcooplease · 27/05/2023 11:46

AIBU? - YES

Child doesn't want to ask so stop forcing it

I’m not forcing anyone it was a suggestion he doesn’t have to ask but needs to stop asking me then which he doesn’t have a problem with

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/05/2023 11:51

CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 09:48

I’m not putting pressure on him he hasn’t asked yet because he was worried he will say no but I say no and it doesn’t stop him asking me

Show quote history

You're both his parents yes, but he has very different relationships with you and his Dad. Getting a no from a parent you have a secure attachment with and know you are loved by isn't a big deal. Getting a no from a parent who is barley involved and who the child has an insecure attachment with can feel like a rejection and as a kid you don't want to take those chances when the no would have such a big impact. He feels safe in your relationship so he can ask. It's. It the same at all asking his Dad.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:52

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/05/2023 11:51

You're both his parents yes, but he has very different relationships with you and his Dad. Getting a no from a parent you have a secure attachment with and know you are loved by isn't a big deal. Getting a no from a parent who is barley involved and who the child has an insecure attachment with can feel like a rejection and as a kid you don't want to take those chances when the no would have such a big impact. He feels safe in your relationship so he can ask. It's. It the same at all asking his Dad.

Show quote history

That’s fair enough but his father would not say no

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 11:55

CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:52

That’s fair enough but his father would not say no

Show quote history

That's irrelevant tbh. Your child doesn't want to ask so don't put them in that position. Sorry your ex is such a prick though, it must be awful dealing with someone like that.

Divorcedalongtime · 27/05/2023 12:45

CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 11:46

Exactly if only it was that simple. Cms have told me they can’t take any money off him and they can’t force him to pay. Their words.

Show quote history

People are clueless and I think giving you an undeserved hard time. Saying “I can’t afford this right now but maybe ask dad” is in no way putting the child in the middle.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 12:50

Divorcedalongtime · 27/05/2023 12:45

People are clueless and I think giving you an undeserved hard time. Saying “I can’t afford this right now but maybe ask dad” is in no way putting the child in the middle.

Show quote history

Thank you, I don't see the big deal either i am just letting him know that it's OK to ask his father... not forcing or pressuring him to just reminding him he has another parent. I'm not asking him to ask for maintenance im past the point of caring about that its for robux completely his own thing which he has asked for constantly despite me saying no

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 13:44

Also I don't see how its putting them in the middle I pay for everything I am not asking them to ask him for maintenance money simply if they want robux they can ask their father who will send them some money for it and won't say no. This is not maintenance money, its basically pocket money!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 27/05/2023 13:53

I can see why you would do this but I don't think it's fair to put them in that position as you've said your son is worried he will say no.
asking you is different,they have a close and loving relationship with you.
if you feel strongly that they should ask him as he is the father then perhaps write him an email saying what the dc want and can be pay as you can't afford it.
it's so unfair they don't pay for their dc!

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 17:21

Thank you but I will never ask my ex for money again. I won't suggest it again but he needs to stop asking me once I've said no that's the only Reason why I restored to saying ask your father as there are two parents not one.

OP posts:
RelaxingClassics · 27/05/2023 18:15

But that's a completely different issue. Your child should be able to ask for something, be told no and then not ask again. If there was no other parent or if both parents are together this would still be an issue. If he keeps asking after you've said no then that's a behavioural issue that you need to address and asking him to ask his dad IS putting him in the middle. It's also risking you being the parent who supports him completely financially and allows dad to swan in and pay for fun stuff.

Don't suggest he asks his dad. A simple "you can ask all you want but I don't have the money to give you" on repeat is all that's required.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 27/05/2023 18:29

It wouldn't be the same if we was together as he would be asking both of us? My ex already is the one that sends them money for fun stuff he's sent him money for a game and for takeaway he just didn't ASK him for that my ex offered. My kids are too old to see him as a Disney fun dad and he isn't as he barely sees them! Last saw them a month ago my kids don't consider him fun Disney dad trust me.

OP posts:
RelaxingClassics · 27/05/2023 18:44

I'm not sure why you posted.