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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP annoyed at me for taking 90 mins to reply

77 replies

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:25

It's been a tough month. Various things have happened and I've had DS with no overnight contact with his Dad. Me and DP don't live together and haven't been seeing each other as much but try to when we can and call and text etc.

Yesterday one of the school mums suggested going to the pub after school. It's a local village so just a walk from school. There's a child's play park there too. There was 4 school mums in total and DS got to play with his friends and I got some adult company which I don't really get in the evenings or most of the day atm. I had a soft drink as I was driving and it wasn't about going out and getting drunk just socialising really. I was there for a total of 2 hours and DS was having a lovely time. For those 2 hours I didn't look at my phone as was obviously busy. DP had text me a few times with just pics of her and DD at the park. When I hadn't replied for a hour and a half I got hello? So I replied sorry I've been at the pub after school and hadn't a chance to look at my phone. She replied "oh you're one of those parents are you"
I replied and said one of what? One that has a soft drink whilst speaking to friends and my DS enjoying himself with friends. I reminded her what a tough time I've had recently and thought she would be happy that I'm out rather than in alone.
Then she said we'll you took ages to reply. I reminded her that sometimes she can take 2 or 3 hours after school to reply but apparently I'm not thinking of her and ignoring her.

Aibu to be annoyed and refuse to apologise? I feel like I've done nothing wrong

OP posts:
greennotepad · 27/05/2023 07:27

YANBU and it’s a bit worrying that you have to ask.

Is she always this possessive?

OneTwoThreeShake · 27/05/2023 07:27

If somebody sends me a text I assume it doesn't need a timely response, because they'd ring if it were important. I couldn't be doing with having deadlines imposed on me to reply to messages. You're absolutely not being unreasonable but you need to nip this in the bud.

SchoolShenanigans · 27/05/2023 07:29

How petty of her. I wouldn't have time for that and I'd expect an apology.

Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 07:29

That's not good. By the sounds of it, it wasn't even something that required an answer! Don't like that at all tbh.

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 07:29

Yanbu. There’s no obligation to reply to a text instantly.

The real issue is that she didn’t like you socialising. People who expect immediate replies don’t like when your attention isn’t focussed on them or waiting for them to get in touch.

If I am honest I would have had non of it with the ‘you are one of those parents’. She isn’t happy you weren’t sat at home and so had a dog at your parenting.

Even as a one off, I wouldn’t have that.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 07:29

Of course you've done nothing wrong. She is being controlling. You are, of course, allowed to not look at your phone for two hours.

pictoosh · 27/05/2023 07:30

Ocht no...tell her where to go. You're not her fucking employee.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 27/05/2023 07:30

Is your DP actually a partner, or someone you've only recently met? If you can get rid easily then I would. More hassle than it's worth and will only end in abuse, which will suit neither of your children.

GracePalmer33 · 27/05/2023 07:32

Controlling. Doesn't like you doing things without her so for this one is using weird shaming tactics (one of "those parents") to deter you from doing it again in future.

StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 27/05/2023 07:32

Yanbu she sounds quite controlling. Straight in with the judgemental comment about you being "one of those parents" as well! That's quite nasty

morbidd · 27/05/2023 07:33

YANBU, to be honest it all sounds a little concerning.

How was she with you later on? Is she still upset by this?

pictoosh · 27/05/2023 07:33

I agree that her nose was out of joint because you were busy with other people and the wee dig at your parenting was to pour cold water over it.

She sounds bloody awful.

QuintanaRoo · 27/05/2023 07:37

I hope you’re going to tell her exactly what you think. How long have you been together? She doesn’t get to be so needy and controlling k she doesn’t get to put you down, she doesn’t get to have a go at your parenting. I’d be furious.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/05/2023 07:40

It sounds like a lovely afternoon exactly what you would wish for on a sunny Friday when you are normally alone with your dc for the evening. Ones that happen unexpectedly are the best. Shame it was ruined! You are allowed to have a life and her putting you down straight off is not on.

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/05/2023 07:41

Time to end this relationship...

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:47

We have been together 2 and a half years. Hasn't been plain sailing throughout that time. I'm currently going through a court battle and pressing charges against my extremely abusive ex (we split 6 years ago) which she is all well aware of how it is effecting me.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to tell her things or that I'm doing things because I know that she would have this reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:48

Also I did tell her this morning that I'm not apologising as I have done nothing wrong

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 27/05/2023 07:51

Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 07:47

We have been together 2 and a half years. Hasn't been plain sailing throughout that time. I'm currently going through a court battle and pressing charges against my extremely abusive ex (we split 6 years ago) which she is all well aware of how it is effecting me.
It's getting to the point where I don't want to tell her things or that I'm doing things because I know that she would have this reaction.

That point about not telling for fear of reaction is the crux of it. It's really REALLY not good. You shouldn't ever be afraid to tell your partner something. You can anticipate a bad reaction to something sure, but you shouldn't ever be afraid.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 07:53

Op, gently, if this relationship is doing you no good, you don't have to be in it.

Original poster
Sparkleandsequin · 27/05/2023 08:04

We were actually talking about the pub the day before. I had said that I used to be that child dragged to the pub whilst my parents and their friends got drunk for hours in the evening and that I hated it. So I think that's where the "oh you're one of those parents" comments came from. However, I wasn't getting drunk and we stated max. 2 hours. DS didn't complain about being bored and enjoyed himself too. So the two are not comparable.

I can find so many examples of her not replying for hours sometimes. I never comment anything judgey or make her feel bad!

OP posts:
Changingplace · 27/05/2023 08:11

Red flags all over the place here OP! :(

Controlling/possessive tendencies, you can’t share details with her for support, judgy ‘one of those parents’ snide comments…

I’d be looking at all of this as a whole and questioning whether this relationship is working for you, you’ve done nothing wrong here & she’s making you question that, it’s not good at all :(

Pippylongstock · 27/05/2023 08:13

I’m sorry this sounds like a really problematic relationship. Just because you didn’t reply for 2 hours she brought up your childhood trauma. That is isn’t okay, especially if you are in a very difficult headspace with your ex. She should have been happy to hear you were having some carefree time connecting with other people. I know it’s really hard but stepping away from this relationship might be one of the best decisions. If you have had a relationship with someone in the past who was abusive, you do need to think about whether your boundaries are the best. Have you done the freedom programme? That might be one to investigate if you haven’t. I’m so sorry you are going through so much. You need a partner who supports you not bullies you. Good luck.

SallyWD · 27/05/2023 08:16

Awful behaviour from her. What's she usually like?

pictoosh · 27/05/2023 08:21

I don't want to write an essay about how many BIG RED FLAGS she is flying. I'm sure other people will fill the gaps anyway.
She is controlling, manipulative, selfish and callous. There you have it.
Anyone who uses your vulnerability as a weapon is a bad fucking sort.
End of.

billy1966 · 27/05/2023 08:23

A nasty reply.

Time to rethink this relationship.

She sounds nasty and it sounds like you have another nasty partner on your hands.

Time to walk away.